What Happened? Where's the Games?

In lieu of my month-long absence, I thought I'd poke my head in here and calmly advise on the behalf of both of us: Don't Panic! (As if anyone is - *looks at minuscule follower's element* - sigh) We're still pointing our fingers at all those nasty little games that need to be beaten, and surely there's more than enough to still go around. It's just that we both needed a bit of a break from gaming for a little bit, get our minds on something else before our heads exploded from video game overexposure. Well that, and, I can't really speak for Sven, but I've just gotten busy with other stuff that's taken me away from gaming at the moment. However, I can say that I have about 10 different games that I currently have save/check points of some sort or another as I work them towards 100% completion. All I can say is that more "games beaten" are in the pipeline.

XB360 - Fallout New Vegas

Haiku Review:  

A truth: Fallout is
the nexus between sci-fi
and Cracker Barrel.

Additional Haiku:

In dystopia,
the future will make caps cash, 
clipboards plentiful.

Additional Comments:

I should probably start this by telling you my reaction to Fallout 3 a couple of years ago. I'd heard about the game--I mean how could you not, since it was on every forum, commercial, and game site--so I got it for my PC (since I didn't have a console at the time), and right away, I started getting less sleep. I played and played and PLAYED that game so much. And truth be told, I think that was one of the finest games I've ever played. Sure there were tons of bugs in the game, the story was iffy, and the characters and graphics weren't that good, really, but the world, environment, feel, music, VATS, decision-making, and so many other things made a phenomenal game--I would dare say it was a work of art.

Fast-forward to October of this year, and I get a gift on my birthday of the pre-ordered New Vegas game. I may have screamed like the Nintendo 64 kid. FALLOUT NEW VEGAAAAAAAS!!!  Got the game at midnight, played the crap out of it for two straight weeks, and, to my chagrin, though it is good, it is not as good as Fallout 3.

It's an unfortunately thing when you have to make a sequel to such an amazing game. Most of the time, it's impossible to make a good follow-up. What gets me the most is why they didn't just make Fallout 4. They had the time and resources. Surely they had the demand. Instead what we get in New Vegas is little more than a giant DLC. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it left me scratching my head, asking, "Why?"

They did do a lot of things in the game that improved upon Fallout 3. First, the faction system is really great, I think. They streamlined the menus for your companions, so you don't have to hold conversations with them in order to store stuff. You can actually have 2 companions (one robot and one human) at a time--not to mention other people you can hire or summon, which leaves you with a possible 5 person party. There are fewer skill books (thank GOD!), but the books you do find give you more points. There are skill magazines which temporarily raise a specific skill. There are better perks. There's a pretty neat crafting system in the game. There are a ton of quests--even more than Fallout 3. And there are companion quests, which I thought were the best quests in the game. There's iron-sights on your guns, which a great touch for those familiar with FPS's. They added "hardcore mode" which isn't a difficulty, but is a way of playing that is more challenging. In hardcore, you have to regularly drink water, eat, and sleep, your stimpacks heal over time, and your ammo has weight. And there's Wayne Newton as "Mr. New Vegas", probably the coolest character in the game. I've beaten the game several times now. I saved the game at a critical point where you have to decide which faction you want to continue till the end with. What I've found most impressive is how ambiguous each side is. I picked one side because I saw them as inherently good, but when you progress through the game, they're not quite as good as I'd thought. And the "bad" side actually has some positives to it. Each faction has its own motives for changing the region, each something noble and ignoble. That actually impressed me quite a bit.

So what are the downsides? Well, first of all, you aren't in Washington D.C. That may sound like a small thing, but the genius of Fallout 3 is that even if you've never been to D.C., you still know what it looks like, and the architecture has a certain resonance all its own. Plus, being in an urban environment is great for condensing game content in a smaller radius, making the game feel like there's something around every corner. In New Vegas, you have desert. There are only a couple of noticeable features, but even then, it never seems as cool or as epic. I mean, in a nuclear war, why would Las Vegas be targeted at all? It makes a lot more sense in D.C., for gameplay, story, and emotional resonance. Also, the music isn't that great. This was one of the things I was looking forward to the most. With Fallout 3, I didn't think I would like the music of the 40s, but it grew on me. And while playing the game, I actually fell in love with the genre and its stars. In New Vegas, there are some good hits here and there, but mostly I thought it fell flat. There are several very annoying songs in the game, and fewer songs in general. I found myself just turning off the radio and listening to the ambient soundtrack, which is decent. The genre of music changed to country western, and though it did convert me to a fan of the genre in general, I still hated this soundtrack. The worst was Johnny Guitar. Oh God. Another thing I didn't like about the radio is that, though I really found Wayne Newton's character of Mr. New Vegas charming and likable, overall the radio broadcast didn't quite have that epic feel that Fallout 3 had. For instance, in Fallout 3 if you do something good or bad, the DJ of Galaxy Radio notices what you did and will report that on the air, telling everyone that there is some "Messiah of the Wastes" or "Wasteland Marauder" or something like that. In New Vegas, the idea is still there, but it's watered down to just a footnote in the broadcast. Mr. New Vegas doesn't even know (or care) that it's one person out there who is dramatically changing the balance of power. So when you do something good, it's told as "some third party contractor did so-and-so." Lame. Also, the karma system is back in this game, but I don't know what it does. It seems like it does nothing at all. The faction system is really what you're going to be paying attention to. The story is pretty dumb. It's so bad that you don't even care what happens in the game. Actually, I kind of wondered what the whole point of this game was to begin with. In Fallout 3, you search for your dad--probably not original, but arguably a timeless story. In this game, you're a courier. Big freakin' deal. Who the heck even cares? The whole story in this game is that you deliver a package. Yes. That's it. Hardcore mode wasn't really that hardcore. My friends think I'm a glutton for punishment for playing games at their hardest setting, but this was extremely easy. You can even set the difficulty on very easy and still play on hardcore if you wanted. With as much food and drink available, eating and drinking weren't hard to do. Sleeping wasn't hard since you get three (yes, three) places to live. The fact that stimpacks healed over time wasn't that big of a deal, since food does that anyway. Sure, ammo has weight, but if you have companions what's the big deal? You use them as pack mules and there's no problem. But the worst part is that there are so many bugs in this game. More than I had to deal with on Fallout 3. I saw a radscorpion made from wooden planks. I saw a guy grow his fingers out like Lady Deathstrike. I even saw a person flee from me in horror, only to run into the ground, so it looked like half of a torso was skimming atop the sands. And the freezes. Good God, man. The game froze up more times than I can count. And that's what bothered me the most. It wasn't that bad since the game as a great auto-save function, but when you have to physically turn off the console when you really just want to relax and play a game--that's annoying!

I hate to sit here and write about how this compares to Fallout 3, but ultimately I have to, since it looks and feels more like a DLC than a sequel. Though I have said a lot that it does wrong, this game really is quite good. And if you liked Fallout 3, you'll enjoy this game.


Rating:  4 wooden scorpions out of 5

Nano-rant Review:

Caravan, you are the strangest, hardest, dumbest card game to ever be in a videogame. Also, stop freezing, game!!!!!!!!!!!!

XBLA - Monday Night Combat

Haiku Review:

Gladiators meets
NBA basketball meets
Team Fortress 2...Yes.

Additional Comments:

So I'm at my friend's house, we're eating pizza and playing some videogames, when he asks me if I'd heard of MNC. He tells me a brief rundown of what it's all about, and, in theory, it sounds amazing. And as I state in the haiku review, it's exactly like that. Only with co-op. So, we download the demo to see how it plays, and we are having a blast. The co-op is engaging, the stylistic aesthetic is cool, the challenge is welcome, and the controls are decent. There's even a tower defense aspect of the game, because the main game type pits you against rushes of robots trying to overwhelm your money ball. To keep them away, you can shoot 'em, use your abilities on 'em, or buy turrets and set them up at designated spots so they can shoot 'em. We finish the one level that we were allowed to play on the demo, and we reiterate that we just have to download this game right away. So I drive home after a fun day with my friend, download the game, try my hand at playing it solo, and...I beat the entire game in twenty minutes. Apparently there's only one level to this game. Honestly, I don't know why I had such high hopes for an XBLA game. It's just a downloadable title, and if we're really honest here, we all know that they're like the retarded step-child of the gaming world. The games you really want to play all have discs and plastic boxes and cost $60 a pop (my GOD they're so expensive!).

Now, granted there are a couple other games modes here. I believe there are 3-4 total. But honestly, there's such little variety in the gameplay and level design that it might as well be the same dadgum thing. You have six characters to play with, only three of which are useful. Those being the Tank, Gunner, and Assault class. The Support is useless when playing by yourself or online (typically), the Sniper isn't very fun to play with and has a weak gun, and the Assassin has high and low points, but her health is so weak that she's not fun to play with. The presentation of this game is absolutely stellar, and that's probably the best part about this game. For a downloadable title, it is very polished in its design, and it actually took me aback when I first played it. Now, controls for a shooter are super important, and this game has decent controls, but it seemed like they just tried to cram too much into the abilities, and it seemed a little sluggish to me. The HUD is a mess and is really confusing. Also, whenever some of the enemies hit you, there's almost no indication that you're being hit. No vibration, no sound, and if I'm not mistaken, not even much of a response on the HUD. So you think you're doing great when all the sudden you randomly die without warning. The online play is a freakin' joke. The characters are WAY unbalanced, and the most popular character to play is the Gunner, and he's pretty much unstoppable. The online play has made me the maddest I think I've ever been with a game. Ever. I died so quickly and so often that it literally made me scream. And I'm talking one of those creepster, maniac, psycho screams that makes you think about going to therapy for professional help.

I've read that the creators are working on some of the issues of balancing and are adding new levels. Apparently they're going to add a couple of other things here and there and are giving away the first "expansion". I might download it. I'm still seriously pissed at this game. I almost doubt that they'll get it right. Man, I had such high hopes for this game, too. This is one game that proves that great graphics mean absolutely nothing when the gameplay has huge flaws.

Rating:  2.5 acronyms out of 5

Nano-rant:   This game owes me 1000 microsoft points.

DS - Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story

Haiku Review:  

Bowser steals the show,
Each Bro has his own button,
In a pinch, press both!

Additional Comments:

Man, I love the DS. When a game is done right on that system, it such a treat. This is definitely one of those games. This is my first Mario and Luigi title, though I'm very familiar with Mario RPG, which is its progenitor, so playing an RPG with the Bros. isn't exactly foreign to me.

First off, let me say that this is one of the best DS games that I've played. Though I can't give this game a perfect score, this game uses the DS's capabilities in really fun ways, like when you have to blow into the microphone for Bowser to blow fireballs, or when you have to turn the DS vertically in order to fight off a castle (yes, you really do!). The story is typical Mario zaniness, and it makes no sense, but it completely works because you know right away what you're getting into when you play this game. It's really about the fun factor and polish and not about the emotional resonance you get from a game like Mass Effect. I also really like that you use Bowser so much in the game. Basically what happens is that Boswer sucks up a whole town and Mario and Luigi happened to be there when he did, so you're inside Bowser's body most of the time. Most of the exploration (until later in the game) is done by Bowser, and when trouble comes along, and he can't go it alone, Mario and Luigi do something inside his body that effects some change, like making Bower super strong so he can pick up a boulder or increasing his metabolism so he can lose weight after getting fat from engorging himself.

The battle system is very fun and should be familiar to most veterans of RPGs. You basically have all the basics, just with a Mario twist. You have basic attacks (jumps), alternate attacks (hammer), special attacks, and items. And in all of these (except for items) you can do extra damage if you time the attack right and press the corresponding button on time. The enemies are really fun, and they play differently when you fight them with the Bros. or with Bowser. Each enemy has a "tell" that shows what they'll do when they attack, and you can either escape damage all together or lessen damage by timing your button press as you do in the attack options. The special attacks are really cool and are almost mini-games of a sort. The only problems I had with the special attacks was that only a couple of them seemed useful, you really get too many of them, and some of them were just way too hard to pull off.

The music in this game is awesome. I think most Mario games have awesome music, but this has some of the best Mario music around, in my opinion. A couple of my favs: Toad Town, Bumpsy Plains, Plack Beach, and Dimble Wood. I found myself humming and whistling these songs while playing--even while not playing. They're just so darn catchy.

My biggest complaint about this game is something that some will like more than me. Too me, this game was way too long for what it was. I enjoy long games (heck, right now I'm playing Fallout New Vegas!), but at 35 hours, you can only take so much Mario. Some people will obviously disagree with me on that, so it just comes down to personal taste, but to me, it seemed way too long and really dragged toward the end. The other thing is that there really is no need to find everything in this game. The last enemy doesn't really even fight the Bros., so there's no point in finding the rare gear for them. And the last fight, though challenging, isn't a slug match with each side throwing blows at each other. Rather, it's almost a puzzle to find the perfect way to evade danger and KO the bad guy--which reminds me of Shadow of the Colossus. The other thing I wish the DS (or Wii, for that matter) had is achievments of some sort. Those always make the game more enjoyable for me, and it would be a welcome gimmick for Nintendo.

Rating:  4 mushrooms out of 5

GG - The Lucky Dime Caper Starring Donald Duck

Haiku-Review:

a Lucky Dime crime
pens a tale of wanderlust
for a pantsless duck

Additional Comments:

There's very little to say about this game. Basically, what appears to be Sega's dumbed-downed version of DuckTales, this game is nothing more than a basic platformer that can easily kill an hour or two. It certainly isn't a spectacular game in any account, but it's not the worst platformer out there either. It's just a mildly okay 8-bit platformer using the same old tricks and gimmicks seen elsewhere.

A rather peculiar quirk in the game, which kept me guessing, was that one of the BGM's had a strange beeping sound that would show up every now and then. It sounded so much like a timer countdown that I either expected a Time-Up or something to suddenly explode. Now, from what I understand, the SMS version of the game has a timer for all of the levels except for Stage 1, however, the timer is absent in the Game Gear version - which definitely allows for better analyzation of each new obstacle. So I knew there was no timer to worry about, but it still confused me. Even late in the game when that particular BGM popped up, I still expected the worst. What a bizarre composition.

I also have a sneaking suspicion, based on what I've read, that the SMS version allows for two way level scrolling whereas the Game Gear version is restricted to one way level scrolling à la SMB. Not necessarily an issue, but the way some of the later levels are set up, allowing for exploration, it would definitely be a nice feature to have. I guess it's a fair trade-off though: disabling the timer, but suffering a locked level scroll. Oh well....

Rating: 2.5 dimes out of 5

Happy 25th NES!!!

On this day, 25 years ago, the greatest device to hit the video game market was introduced to a small, limited market in New York City. Although, technically, the Famicon was released in '83, it wasn't until June of '85 when North America got its first glimpse of the system and October 18th when we could first get our hands on one. And so, a tip of the hat to what is still my favorite video gaming console of all time.

Myself, I was first introduced to the system sometime in late '87 or early '88, if I recall correctly, through my cousins. I was completely blown away, being introduced to titles like Super Mario Bros and Rad Racer. And if my dates are correct, I would have gotten my system in the autumn of '88, and I still remember hooking it up to a tiny little TV stashed in the corner of my room and playing Super Mario Bros for the first time on my own system. Such wonderful memories....

Now, for the NES's 25th, I thought I'd list my 25 favorite games. These are games that, for me, hold incredible replay value and through the years have been just as fun and exciting to play as the first time I played them.

25. Double Dragon II: The Revenge
24. Tecmo Bowl
23. Little Nemo: The Dream Master
22. Battletoads
21. Dr. Mario
20. Super Dodge Ball
19. Excitebike
18. Mega Man 4
17. Spy Hunter
16. Contra
15. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
14. Legend of Zelda
13. Super Mario Bros. 2
12. Batman
11. StarTropics
10. Final Fantasy
9. Milon's Secret Castle
8. DuckTales
7. Mega Man 2
6. Micro Machines
5. Faxanadu
4. Gauntlet
3. Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers
2. Mega Man 3
1. Super Mario Bros. 3

PS3 - Killzone 2

Haiku Review:

Where are we? Helghan. 
What do we do? Kill Helghast.
Is that it? Uh...yeah.

Additional Comments/Flame War Rant:

I actually beat this game some time ago, but I thought it would be a good idea to put it on here since it's still fresh in my mind, for one, and also to show that I don't only play Xbox 360 games. Here at Beat All Games, we're really system agnostic. We really don't care about the flame wars over which system is better or not, because there's no point in arguing since every system is awesome in its own way. I may have a personal preference if I have to decide between having a game on the 360 or PS3, but it's only preference on petty creature comforts that I may like a little more with one system than another (e.g., controller ergonomics, friends, achievements/trophies, etc.). Rant over.

Now, I like shooters. And this was one of the most hyped-up shooters in recent years that I can think of. Did it live up to the hype? Well, yes. Mostly. First, let me say that this game looks INCREDIBLE. This is probably the best-looking game that I think I've ever played thus-far. And this game came out a few years ago! The setting and presentation of this shooter is also jaw-dropping--something dark, moody, and unique in its own right. It completely nails the setting of a bleak warzone. Really, it kind of felt like a futuristic WW2 game in some ways. The first mission is a landing on a beach front, the side you're on seems much like the Allies, the weapons even have a certain throwback to that era (even your standard default assault rifle is a lot like an American M4), and the enemies even look kind of like Nazis. But it's in the future. I think. At least...it's on another planet. So, even if it may seem like a ripoff, they completely pull it off.

The story...eh...don't buy it for the story. Buy it for the killing of Helghans. The story isn't anything new or interesting, really. It just takes you from point A to point B. And the squad that you're with are pretty unlikable guys. My friend quit playing this game for that reason alone. (Pretty strange reason, I must admit.)

The controls are a major point of contention in this game. Supposedly, the developers wanted to have a feel of weight to your character, so the controls are a little sluggish and the guy doesn't really run fast at all--kind of like he's weighed down with thirty pounds of gear. There was a pretty big outcry about this, so the developers made a patch that apparently fixed the problem, allowing you to turn the sluggishness on or off via a menu function. I tried it both ways and I honestly can't tell a difference. But I left it off just in case. Yeah, it's still pretty sluggish--not nearly as fluid as, say, Halo--but I didn't really mind. I adapted fairly quickly.

The multiplayer is decent, but I didn't fall in love with it. It had sparks of genius here and there with their class system, but you had to unlock everything and it meant that you just have to grind to get to the point where you can actually play what you want. By then you're sick of playing and don't give a crap.

But the biggest thing that I hated about this game is that most of the trophies are only attainable through multiplayer. GRRRRR. And since the multiplayer didn't blow me away, I only got about a quarter of the available trophies. And since I'm a trophy/achievement whore, I cried. Then I got ANGRY!

Rating:  3.5 Nazi helmets out of 5  (great presentation and the action is great, but the multiplayer was lacking for me, personally)

Nano-rant:

Only 25% of the effin' trophies!!!!!!!!

SMS - Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Haiku-Review:

where art thou Sonic?
for a phony I'm certain
treads this 8-bit land

Additional Comments:

I'll just come out with it then: this game is a grave disappointment! And what really tears me here is how hard it is for me to say that concerning any early Sonic platformer. After all, like I stated in the review for Sonic the Hedgehog, the Sonic series is my favorite platforming series, but this game makes me ashamed to admit so. Thankfully, the Master System games are little known. But seriously, this game feels cheap and outsourced. All the charm and imaginative use of 8-bit technology is just...absent. Whereas in the first SMS Sonic, where I delighted in venturing through the game, despite its quirky oddities and limitations; here, as soon as I hit Aqua Lake, I was really beginning to loathe the game and felt it had become nothing more than meaningless and toilsome drudgery. From the lazy design, to stiff control and almost total lack of speed, I wondered what the hell I was even playing - some sort of half-assed platformer with graphic swaps is my theory. You're not even battling Dr. Robotnik in this game (well, at least not until the very end), but instead the boss battles consist of bird eggs and a pig that looks like some sort of deformed Wolverine. What the fuck is going on here!?

Before I rant endlessly about this game, I suppose I should point out some, or what little highlights there are. There are some interesting gimmicks presented that are a step up from the first SMS title and seem to be imitating similar gimmicks found in Sonic the Hedgehog for the Genesis such as the spinning, sticky gears/discs. This game also introduces vehicles, however, they're either pointless or infuriating due to their shitty control. Although clever in concept, they should have been left out. I'd much rather have used Sonic's own speed and roll down the hills as opposed to using an uncontrollable mine cart, but that's just me. Of course, since Sonic doesn't even seem to have his trademark speed in this game, the mine cart's probably the better choice in this situation. Well, there you go, I can't even talk up the good points without laying into this game.

So what else - ah, the music. For the life of me, I don't even know what the music sounds like in this game. Ok, Underground Zone had some good music, but the rest of the game lacked the musical pizazz or "oomph" that so many early Sonic games contained. All around, this game was just depressing. Do yourself a favor and be sure to leave this game be. If you want to preserve the magic of what a Sonic platformer should be, or experience a Sonic game for the first time, steer clear of this undeserving presentation. It flat out sucks!

Nano-rant:

Fuck that pipe-maze bullshit in Scrambled Egg Zone! Also, fuck the countless occurrences of blind leaps of faith over spike-laden valleys (looking at you Green Hills Zone)!! This game has some of the worst level design I've ever seen - flat out, fuck this game!!!

Rating: 1.5 rings out of 5

PS1 - Crash Bandicoot

Haiku-Review:

a gem collecting,
box smashing cyclical route -
I missed a box? Damn!

Additional Comments:

When the Nintendo 64 first came out, I was completely unimpressed and miserably let down. Therefore, I decided to forgo the system and await the promising Sony Playstation, and still to this day, looking back, I'm glad I did. Now, I remember when I got the system, it came with a demo disc showcasing two to five minute demos of new and upcoming releases. One of the games showcased was Crash Bandicoot and from what little I was able to make of the game (a playthrough of the second level: Jungle Rollers, with gem intact - also happens to be one of my fave tunes) I was in awe. To date, it was the most impressive platformer I had ever seen. But sadly, I never came to own a copy of the game - and I don't really know why. The only reason I can possibly come up with is that I took full advantage of the fact that with the Playstation, there was finally a system that was worthy of the racing genre (which after platformers, is my second favorite gaming genre).

Anyways, here it is so many years later, and I finally got to play this game. Wow, this game is exactly what I always suspected it of being - a marvelous platformer which, despite it's interesting 3D perspectives, still contains the feel of a traditional 2D platformer. In fact, this is probably the only 3D (or technically quasi-3D) platformer that I've come across that still plays like a platformer should, without relying on tricky camera repositioning and having to put in the guesswork of lining up your character regarding strange perspective jumps - a lot of which really irked me in some of the N64 games. The levels are well designed, beautifully depicted (considering the age of the game), contain interesting gimmicks and the difficulty ramps at a nice even pace. However, everything echoes with an eerie similarity to a series I've played somewhere before. *coughDKCcough*

It's curious - when I first started up a new game I found myself looking at a map a bit reminiscent of Donkey Kong Country's map. At least, it was enough to invoke some questioning chin-rubbing. Let's investigate further, shall we: familiar jungle backdrops and rhythms, fruit collecting, hmm.... It felt as though I was playing Sony's answer to Rare's classic series. Of course, that's not to say the game can't hold its own - it certainly can, and does so in impeccable style.

I do have one question though. Why the heck is Crash tweaking so much? I'm beginning to suspect that Dr. Cortex is nothing more than a pusher running some sort of maniacal meth lab with his accomplice, Dr. Brio. No wonder Crash is so eager to get back into that castle. I don't think he was out to save Tawna after all, otherwise, why not just escape with her after a bonus round? Eh?

Rating: 4.5 boxes out of 5

NES - Milon's Secret Castle

Haiku-Review:

bubbles everywhere,
umbrellas floating skyward -
damn Maharito!

Additional Comments Rant:

Oh boy - Milon's Secret Castle. Where to begin? Well, to even begin discussing this game, I first have to address a peculiar situation I've come to notice that has cropped up over the past few years regarding the "shittiness" of various games. Now, most games commonly regarded as bad games among the gaming populace are typically bad games. However, it seems a new movement of those who are eager to point fingers in snide derision have surfaced ever since the arrival of James Rolfe's humorous videos in the guise of The Angry Video Game Nerd. Don't get me wrong, I love his videos just as much as the next guy and am a regular follower of his game-related rants - and damn, they do crack me up, but my problem doesn't lie with AVGN. It's with all of those jack-asses out there flooding various gaming forums and whatnot that can't form their own opinions on what games suck and why. So what games suck, I wonder. Mysteriously, they all seem to be games that AVGN just so happened to make a video of. Strange that a single person can have such a monopolized stranglehold on the unveiling presentation of shitty games. Stranger still, the unabashed platitude that all these blowhards spew out mercilessly happens to be the very reasons expressed in James's AVGN videos. Well I'll be a sonovabitch....

Now, I don't want to hog this entire post with my anger over internet idiots and their inability to think for themselves, but to properly express my opinions on this game, I feel I must. As far as AVGN's review of Milon's Secret Castle - I respect it, but I totally disagree with it. (To me, Milon's Secret Castle is a fantastic puzzle game, whereas AVGN condemns it as a shitty platformer.) But because his video even exists here in cyberspace, time and time again I happen across the following in various "worst game" threads: "You never know what to do. Everything is hidden. Your weapon is a crappy bubble etc etc (basically all the same rigmarole stated in AVGN's video). Wow, all I'm really getting from these posts is our new worst-game regime harshly casting judgment on a game based entirely on hearsay and the "now" popular opinion of why this game supposedly sucks. It all just makes me want to smash my head against a wall. Come up with your own fucking opinions for once!

But wait, you're just angry because people are hating on this game.

No. If people don't like this game, that's fine. But to hate it just because a popular video series included it is ignorant. And like I said, due to the content of such slanderous remarks resounding so coincidentally with AVGN's remarks, it's hard to think otherwise. Same with games like Action 52, Superman 64, Link: Faces of Evil or even (dare I mention) Plumbers Don't Wear Ties. Yea, these games look horrible, and they probably are, but you know what - I haven't played any of 'em (and I highly doubt a lot of other people have too, ok Superman 64 is most likely an exception) so I really can't state any sort of opinion one way or the other. Sure, I could throw out an opinionated perception of the game, but I just can't give an honest opinion until I've played them. So maybe these are the worst, maybe they're not. Point being, play the game before you state an opinion - and if you still don't like it, then there you go, and at least now you'll have your own reasons why (or so I hope).

Additional Comments (for realsies this time):

Enough of that, let's discuss the game. Hands down, this is one of the absolute best NES game I've ever played - so much so that if it's not in my top 5 NES games, then it's definitely in my top 10. I remember renting this game all the time as a kid. In fact, I think the only other NES game I rented more often than this was Micro Machines. The game is a terrific puzzle-based sidescroller with platforming elements and reminds me of other titles like Solomon's Key or Nail n' Scale. And I really think that's the key to this game - if you perceive it solely as an action-based platformer, then yea, I can understand why one might whine about it, but if you look at it as a puzzle game - then it's fantastic and cleverly executed.

True, everything, and I mean everything, is hidden in the most obscure, convoluted places, but to me, that's the core of the game - what possible secrets could still be out there? I think as many times as I've played this game over the years, I know there's still some stuff hidden in there that I'm not aware of. The story, though a typical "save the princess," does have an interesting lead-in, especially regarding Milon's background and the musical world of Hudson. The music itself is very typical of early NES: bouncy and rather charming. One of my favorite tunes is the Well Theme.

Anyways, for as much as I loved this game, the one thing that always disappointed me was the lack of a sequel, or so I thought for so many years. About two or three years ago, I learned about the Japanese-only release for the Super Famicon, Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken. Holy Shit! That game is incredible! But I'll save all that praise for later.

Overall, Milon's Secret Castle is a great game that deserves a fair chance. And if you're playing it for the first time, or even for the nth time, you need to keep in mind what kind of game you're getting into. If you treat it purely as an action-platformer, you're going to end up discrediting it for all of the wrong reasons. Play it as a puzzle game and then discredit it for all the right reasons if you still don't like it. Otherwise, enjoy.

Nano-rant:

One other thing I should bring up, as I've seen numerous complaints regarding it, as mentioned some 5000 words ago - the usage of bubbles as a weapon. So what? Why is this such an issue to people? The last game I just reviewed, Illusion of Gaia, Will's using a flute, but no one seems to have any problem with that. Then again, I guess that's because he's thrusting it like a sword, but whatever....

Rating: 4.5 honeycombs out of 5

SNES - Illusion of Gaia

Haiku-Review:

a fascinating
twist on our Earth's history -
and the best places

Additional Comments:

I first encountered this game in the early 2000's when I had to purchase another SNES to replace my original one that had broken sometime in the mid-late 90s. The game came free, along with a few others, when I bought it off of eBay. I was curious, as I think up to that point, I may have only known the game by title, and in passing at that. Right off the bat, I loved this game and to this day it is still one of my all-time favorite SNES games and probably still my favorite game that has the Enix brand attached to it. I've just always enjoyed the action/adventure fighting style so much more then the unwieldy turn-based system that other Enix products had. But there's so much more reason then just that.

Illusion of Gaia has one of the greatest stories I've come across - which, to me, presents a rather atypical ending and what's-to-come considering its roots in the strange history/fantasy mélange that supports it. What's more, the story takes you to some of the most fantastic places in our own history/mythology such as the Nazca Lines, Angkor Wat and even Mu. Are you kidding me? They went with Mu over Atlantis - that is fucking awesome!!

Also, both the music and graphics are superb. The dungeon themes, especially, are devilishly intense and really create a mood of danger, which I think helps give the dungeons the feeling that they're harder then they really are. But my favorite tune is probably the peaceful Itory Village.

I suppose if I absolutely had to make a complaint, it would probably be the total linear gameplay that the game incorporates. Although it really doesn't bother me, there is really no game deviation going on here, though if you can manage to find all 50 gems, you do get to visit a bonus dungeon known as Gem's Mansion. In my most recent playthrough, I was still unaware of this and only found out while researching some minor inconvenience on GameFaqs. Damn, I was already so close to the end too, did I really want to restart the whole game? You bet I did. Unfortunately, Gem's Mansion was nothing to brag about, though it did have a really cool Layer 1 effect going on with scrolling ghosts. However, the boss, Solid Arm, is much harder than Dark Gaia, which in my opinion is a fairly easy boss for an end boss. In fact, Solid Arm gave me more trouble than those dastardly Vampires in Mu - but that could be because I've finally gotten use to those two - though I certainly recall raging pretty badly the first time I ever fought them.

Oh, one other nit-picky concern is the game's use of Mode 7. As cool as the effect probably was in its time - I find it to be nothing more than unnecessary bling that really slows down gameplay. I love the map, but I think the whole Mode 7 bit could have been executed better.

Nano-rant:

Ok, I do have one other complaint. Kara is a fucking, stuck-up, prude little bitch who I want to punch in the throat repeatedly. Seriously, I don't think there is any other game character in the history of video games that I hate as much as her. She makes the raft scene an absolute chore to play through, and leaves me pleading with Will to just boot her into the ocean - let the shark's finisher her once and for all. And then, without want to give the ending away - WTF!?!?!?

Rating: 4.5 gems out of 5

XB360 - Halo: Reach

Haiku Review:

Somewhat okay tale
of Spartans and Covenant.

Get pwned by a teen! 

Additional Comments:

First I must admit something to you: this is the first Halo game I've really played. I have tinkered with the series occasionally at a friend's house, but I never really cared for the game. I tried to like it. But I noticed one glaring truth about Halo at large: many people who love this game--yes, those who are great at this game--are certifiable douchebags. It's a proven fact. And because I try my darnedest to try to not be a douchebag, Halo and I just never became friends. Also, while we're being completely frank, let's just admit that this is just another space marine story (*groans*). I will say that they did add an interesting twist with the ringworld or "halo" in the first game, but again, this has been done before. So if you like reading at all--which I admit that probably most of Halo's fanbase probably never reads anything beyond the drunken texts that their friends send them, replete with the words "Brah" and "duuuuude"--and especially if you are into sci-fi at all, then you've read the complete story in Starship Troopers by the revered Robert Heinlein and Ringworld (another classic) by Larry Niven. There it is. Halo. Don't even bother with the official Halo books or even trying to like the story, because if you've read any good sci-fi lit, then you're already a snob--I must admit that I'm that snob.

However. I also have to admit that though I went into this game with huge reservations and preconceived notions, this game really surprised me. I even...like...love this game! The story is still not good, and I still don't even know what happened, thought the ending was pretty cool I guess, but the presentation and controls are solid. The newer additions of the jetpack and powers are awesome. I first thought that the whole credit/experience system was going to be stupid, but I've already spent a lot of time refining the look of my Spartan, buying that one shoulder pad or the cool blue visor color. It seems like Bungie really wanted to up the ante and make Halo compete better with newer mega-hits, like Modern Warfare. They added a ton of awards that you can earn with give you more credits along with the obvious cool points. The online multiplayer is a friggin' blast. That was what I thought I would hate the most, but I actually love it the most. Every day there are new challenges that you can try to conquer that will give you additional credits and experience, and then there's also a harder weekly challenge that awards a hefty amount of creds. There are a few throwaway multiplayer types (like Infection and Invasion, where you either are a zombie trying to infect the rest, or you're trying to defend yourself against the infected. You can make a "Psyche Profile" which is just a way of saying what type of player you are. It seems like you are placed in matches where you actually have a chance, because I haven't rage quit yet. Although I will say that though you can tell the Psyche Profile that you hate trash talk and want to play silently, there is still that ONE fourteen year old that has a mic and constantly annoys the living bejeezus out of everyone.

Now, I'm admittedly an achievement whore, so I try to get all the achievements/trophies that I can in a game. Most of these are very attainable. I even beat this on Legendary difficulty to maximize my achievement whoring (350 points in that!!). And let me tell you, I'm freaking P-R-O-U-D of myself for actually being able to do it. Because Legendary made this the hardest game I've ever played. Thankfully the checkpoint system is really good in this game and even though you will die a lot, you make enough progress through the game where it's never frustrating. Actually, you almost revere every checkpoint to the point where you feel like it's a mini-birthday.


Rating:   Solid 4.5 douchebags out of 5


Nano-rant Review:

Get ready to die.

NES - Bigfoot

Haiku-Review:

tear up engines and
cut your opponent down - it's
monster truck mayhem!

Additional Comments:

Hmm, it's really hard for me to criticize this game in the slightest even whilst knowing it is a game that seems to face some serious derision by gamers. I grew up with this game and as a kid, I freakin' loved it. This game brought together two of my favorite things as a kid: monster trucks and video games. Hell, throw dinosaurs in there too, and then we'd really have something cooking. Of course, playing it now, ok, perhaps it's not the greatest of games - but you know what? Who cares? As a kid, this game delivered everything I wanted: car-crushing, mud-bogging, hill-climbing, tractor-pulling awesomeness with a badass title screen portraying Bob Chandler himself standing next to his masterful creation. Goddammit, this game owned and I played the hell out of it.

Now, it's been years since I've played this game, and in fact, I sort of forgot all about this game. Because of that, it helped give me a slightly fresh perspective on the game - though not by much as I quickly learned that I still knew this game inside and out, even after all these years. And? Ok, I'll bite - yea, the controls are still just as shitty as I remember, the music still scathes with its annoying single-tone, southern rock-styled monotony and I'm still shaking my head over the slap-in-the-face end screen. Yet, just as it was 20 years ago, these are still just minor annoyances that can easily be overlooked - yes, even the bullshit left/right turbo taps on the d-pad with the awkward gear shifts. Of course, for everyone else in the world, I could probably guarantee an opposing response. But that's them.... (And fortunate for you all - I will spare you the music of this game.)

So there it is. Yea, maybe to most, it's a shitty game, but to me, it was a cool game that I absolutely loved as a kid and to my surprise, still enjoyed on my most recent run-through.

Nano-rant:

Despite my cheers, yea, those side-scrolling controls are fucking ridiculous. Prepare to feel some serious pain within your thumbs.

Rating: 3.5 engines out of 5

XBLA - Marvel vs. Capcom 2

Haiku Review:      


Hundred point combos
are easy, choosing Iron Man
and mashing buttons.

Additional Comments:

When I first talked to Sir Iain about beating this game, he was under the impression that this was called "Shark vs. Capcom". Which I thought was pretty hilarious and epic-sounding. That sounds like one tough shark to have all of Capcom pitted against it.

I actually played this game a lot when my friend had this on the Dreamcast (RIP). And even then this game was both awesome and ridiculous. Nothing's changed really, save for some updated graphics and online play. For the most part, this is exactly the same as I remember. What I forgot was how easy this was to make hundred-point combos and how hard the last couple of matches are. Granted, I probably really suck at this game. But the best part about it is that all my friends suck equally as much or even more than I do, so it seems like I'm great at this game.

The premise of this game is really cool (and obvious): many of the characters from the Marvel Comic universe against many of the characters from Capcom games. I remember when I first heard about this, I thought it was a kind of strange mix, but it works. The problem is that, with so many characters, there are a LOT of characters that are foreign to me. Chiefest being Amingo (who is that guy??). But there are many others that they don't need at all. For instance, on the Capcom side, you need all or most of the Street Fighter cast, you need Megaman, Roll, Jill Valentine, and Strider. But who is Amingo and B.B. Hood, and Ruby Heart? On the Marvel side, you need the cast of the X-Men, X-Force, and the Avengers (and enemies). But why Spiral and Silver Samurai and Blackheart and Shuma Gorath? And why two Wolverines? It almost seems like there are characters in here just for the sake of having characters. Many of those ancillary characters aren't even worth playing with because they suck so bad.

When playing this game, you honestly don't need much of a tutorial, really. Pretty much all you have to do is know the buttons for the super combos, because if you have that down, you are pretty much going to win. I'm sure there is probably strategy and such, but if you just mash buttons, you'll be all right.

We're going to start a 10 point rating system (on a five-point scale with half-point increments), so here it is:



Rating:  4 comic hotties out of 5



Nano-rant:

Wait...there was a MvC 1 ??


Nano-win:

WHOA!!  Rogue is SO HOT!!

Arcade - Hotdog Storm

Haiku-Review:

what a misleading
name for a sweet STG -
but where's the turbo?

Additional Comments:

From its quirky name to its surreal title card, there is surprisingly a nicely done STG tucked away inside, albeit it felt to be on the short side. Whatever the storyline or whatever the heck is going on, it doesn't even matter because the game manages to deliver exactly what it needs to: shooting down planes, tanks, spacecraft and other strange, flying apparatuses just for the fuck of it. However, by the time I really got into the groove of the game - properly handling bombs, dodging bullet spray and learning the various boss patterns, the game was over. Dammit, and I was just starting to really enjoy the game. And on top of that, it seemed as though that it sucked up a rather minimal amount of credits. Well, that's more money in my pocket (yes, even pocketing theoretical money is a plus).

Aside from the feeling that the game was over before it even began, my biggest gripe was a lack of turbo fire. Having to consistently punch the fire button in a non-stop canon-fodder STG is bullshit. Now, if there was a turbo fire option available without having to remap the controls, then I guess it's my own stupidity for overlooking it. But nevertheless, considering a release of 1996, I would think that the genre would have been around more than long enough for a game company to realize that on any form of STG, turbo should just be standard, if not an easily applied option. But what do I know, I'm just a player.

All in all, a cool little shooter that's unfortunately marred by a lack of turbo, though I suppose it is fortunate that the screen isn't amassed with countless thousands of enemies at all times so you are able to sneak in a rest here and there - for about a quarter of a second. Maybe in that short span of time you can enjoy some of the soundtrack, or you can just listen to Stage 1 here. Oh, and one last thing, not sure why, but I just loved the interesting landscapes that the early stages contained.

Nano-rant:

Did I mention no turbo = bullshit!?!?

Rating: 3 credits out of 5

XB360 - Gears of War 2

Haiku Review:  


Better than first game!
Call me a Locust,
because I am blown away

Additional Comments:

In presentation, this is very similar to the first game. But unlike the first game, the story is a little tighter and more emotional, there are more fun add-ons, better checkpoints/saves, even better graphics (thought the first game was very pretty), more rail levels, more guns, more difficulty levels with more a better feel of the difficulty on each level, better multi-player--really, it's better in every way. I don't if I have much else to say about it. This game is so much like the first game in the good ways, that I don't want to repeat myself from the review of the first game. Many of my minor gripes were fixed or addressed. The difficulty of Hardcore mode is a lot more manageable and is a lot less like Insane mode, which was one of the flaws from the first game. I really got sucked into this game. On the first night, I played it from 11 p.m. till 3 a.m.! They manage to control the tension of the game and story by breaking up the "normal" third-person shooter moments with more rail-shooter moments. The only downside is that they do this so many times that it borders on tedium. Plus, some of the rail moments are so hard! And after playing this game, I realize that I was actually right about my opinion that these are space marines, since the story in the game explains that this is on another planet called Sera and these Locust are possibly an alien race and not a terrestrial species. The multiplayer is so much better in this game and the achievements seem a lot more attainable. One thing I don't  like about the achievements is that this game assumes that you are just going to buy all the map packs and DLCs and so includes the achievements of those maps and DLCs on the game. Annoying. Man, the story is so much better in this game. So much better. It ends like the first in a "to be continued..." moment, but it's not that bad. It really makes me want to play the third game. Can't wait! And Horde mode is awesome!

Nano-rant Review:

DUDE!  SO MANY RAILS!!!

Rating: 4 strange new Locusts out of 5

SNES - Super Mario Kart

Haiku-Review:

how many other
games do I recall shouting
"I've got winner!" ...none

Additional Comments:

When Super Mario Kart first came out, this had to be the greatest game on the market. I can't even remotely remember how many hours I spent ditching banana peels or chucking red shells, be it on the 1-player mode or dishin' it out against friends on the 2-player mode. Nintendo just did an absolutely bang up job with this game, so much so that a lot of the latter era Mario Karts have had trouble competing, in my opinion. Now, I'm not saying that the latter era ones are crap, far from it, in fact I think Double Dash is probably my favorite one of them all, but all of the Mario Karts that followed, through the introduction of new game design, presented just as many flaws as they did cool features. Of all the games in the series, the first one is the only one where all of the pros vastly outweigh any cons that may even be present - and those that are are damn near negligible. Yea, maybe I could gripe about the rubber-banding, but we're also talking about the SNES here and what was feasible within a 16-bit game world. Besides, the problem of rubber-banding within Mario Kart appears to have grown exponentially over the years with each passing game - which makes no sense at all. Anyways, the point is that this is the only one in the series that I pretty much consider perfect.

Yea, it might be hard to imagine I could label such as game as "perfect" when all the tracks have no elevation or nifty gimmicks, but at the time, that didn't matter and I still embrace its simple nature - especially the Battle Mode tracks. If there's one area that Nintendo has not been able to match since the series' inception, it's the Battle Mode tracks. Ok, Mario Kart Super Circuit and Mario Kart Wii have some good battle tracks, but still, they just don't compare to the original four. To me, the original four served up the perfect intensity when getting together with friends and spending an afternoon knocking each other out of contention; be it through a combination of red shell tosses and tight cornering techniques on Course 4 or wearing a shit-eating grin while waiting for your opponent to get nailed by a wandering green shell while you watched from the safety of a shallow pool on Course 2.

All in all, this game is awesome - everything about it. So in closing: Koopa Beach, the greatest theme/track locale in the game.

Rating: 4 red shells out of 5

GBA - Mario Party Advance

Haiku-Review:

board game amusement
is not so amusing with
only one player

Additional Comments:

Personally, I like the Mario Party series - call it a guilty pleasure - but the games are really only enjoyable with two or more players. Yea, they have story modes, which obviously is what I played through here, but it still feels so weird to play a Mario Party game by yourself. It's like playing a round of Monopoly by yourself - what's the point?

The game's not that bad, though a bit toilsome - does there have to be that many bonus dice mini-games that need to be played? Really? Ugh... Anyways, on the face of things, the graphics are rather nice and some of the music is...well, surprising. Two tunes in particular really grabbed my attention and I was rather pleased that one of them was attached to the mini games. The song that really caught my ear though has got to be the Mystery Quest theme.

There's really nothing else to say about the game. I suppose it's alright as a time killer - if you're twelve - but otherwise, a Mario Party game on the GameBoy Advance? It just seems pointless.

Nano-rant:

Are you fucking kidding me!? All other Gaddgets aside, Faux Flame and Breeze Buddy are the biggest wastes of programming I've ever come across in any game.

Also, I found out that I'm only 26% compatible with myself on the Compat-I-Com. Damn, what's that going to do to my self-esteem?

Rating: 2.5 Gaddgets out of 5

SNES - Megaman X, X2, and X3

Haiku Review:

21XX:
Megaman fights crazed Mavericks
yet still dies from spikes.

Additional Comments:

I absolutely love Megaman. If Megaman were a Megawoman, I'd pretend to be evil Grapple Man, and get into a wrestling match with her. But seriously, I love Megaman. Again, another franchise that reminds me of my gaming youth, it just never gets old to me. But though I love Megaman, I love Megaman X even more. The X series seems like an even more futuristic version of the Megaman series, with allusions to the now deceased Dr. Light and your previous version which needed to "mature" in a stasis pod until the right time. Which I guess is a hundred years from the normal Megaman universe (?). Really, it's the same as Megaman except for a few important distinctions: 1) Dr. Wily isn't the main boss, another android/virus caled Sigma is, 2) all the enemies are named after animals, 3) no more E-tanks, this time it's refillable Sub-tanks (which I prefer), 4) the music is all guitar driven, as interpreted by a keyboard player (sounds better than you'd think), 5) you have a "brother" named Zero, and 6) you can upgrade Megaman!!

When I was first exposed to these games as a teen, I don't know if I ever beat them, but I know that I played and loved ever single one. When I picked them up to play and beat once and for all, I just decided to play the SNES trilogy as a whole and comment that way instead of one at a time. And playing them back to back, I definitely have strong opinions about which is the best and why.

I know the music can sometimes sound cheesy, but I love it--especially in the first game. C'mon, Storm Eagle?!  That's awesome! And Zero's theme, Spark Mandrill?!!!  Yes! And I think I like the music from the first game the best, though the third game was a little better than the second in its musical score. Such as Blizzard Buffalo, Gravity Beetle,  and Toxic Seahorse. 

The upgrades are far better on X3, and seems like Capcom really paid attention to fans or game mechanics or both, because the powerups are just great. Though I love the first game, only two of the X powerups are of any use: the gun and chest. The other two are just lazy upgrades.

Overall, I think X2 is the best of the trilogy as far as everything combined. There are things I like more in X and X3, but it seems to me that X2 just had the right mix.

Of course, I have complaints, but they're really just minor nit-picky things. The thing that I think is the funniest thing about almost every Megaman game is that the first enemy on any stage is either jumpy or flying. Usually jumpy with shooty added for effect. The games are pretty tough for Megaman games, I think. And X3 is the hardest. With as many cool additions in X3 like the upgrade chips, gold armor, playable Zero, and acquiring Zero's beam sabre, the thing I hated the most was that you had to do everything JUST right to get the things that you really wanted, which just so happened to be the things that killed Sigma the easiest. Plus, I know there's a Megaman X Collection for the PS2, but since I didn't have that available, I just played the SNES versions. Which is good and bad. I kind of wish I had the Collection just for the extras and the cutscenes.

If you haven't played this series, you really need to. It's, in my opinion, some of the best Megaman games out there--even some of the best SNES games!

Megaman X, you just got beat!

Rating: 4.5 sub-tanks out of 5

GEN - The Lion King

Haiku-Review:

from cub to adult,
a well done adaptation
from movie to game

Additional Comments:

Another Genesis title I had growing up; I think outside of the NES Capcom era of Disney games, this is one of the best - and not only that, I'd probably rank this as my 4th fave Disney Game, just behind Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers, Duck Tales and just only being squeaked out by Aladdin. On top of that, perhaps other than Toy Story, this is probably one of the best movie to video game adaptations out there, which is saying something when you think about the 8-bit/16-bit gaming era and the stereotype, which sadly is true, that movie adaptations make for the worst games. Well, not here. The game is not only an incredible platformer, but also has a rather unique gameplay style since you play as a lion.

The game follows the movie fairly close, starting with young Simba and of course ending with adult Simba fighting Scar. However, one thing I found rather odd, especially concerning young/adult Simba, is when it came to the three different difficulty modes. Now, it may just be that I got use to it, but it seems the difficulty modes only affect young Simba since the Hyenas and Vultures appear to be the only creatures that follow any sort of difficulty curve (1 additional hit per). If the difficulty did indeed affect adult Simba in any fashion - well, you've got me.

On the topic of difficulty, as a kid, I never actually beat this game because I could never figure out how to kill Scar. Come to find out, you can maul - huh, I don't think I ever knew that. Well, that's what happens when you don't have the manual and wonderful places like GameFAQs don't exist. Nevertheless, Scar's still a tough son of a bitch, but that's mostly because I really didn't grasp the maul/throw technique until the third playthrough on Difficult mode.

I chose to play this on the Genesis as opposed to the SNES for two reasons: one, I grew up playing this game on the Genesis, and two, when it comes to cross-platform games, I typically always prefer the Genesis version because of Sega's sound engine. The thick, chunky basses and raw, growling synths always won my heart over the smoother, more presentable instruments of the SNES.

Be Prepared (Genesis Version)
Be Prepared (SNES Version)

It's no contest - the SNES version, to me, just sounds like garbage - and really out of tune at that.

Rating: 3.5 bugs out of 5

NES - Adventures of Tom Sawyer

                                                   

Haiku Review:

Once upon a time
this game kicked my family's butts.
Now I kicked Sawyer's.

Additional Comments:

So...I don't know anyone else who has ever played or heard of this game. But my family and I had this when I was very young, and it was one of the hardest games we'd ever played. At that time at least. It was also one of our favorites. Basically it's just a side-scrolling platformer with Sawyer going through various levels with his slingshot. There are even some top-down curtain shooter moments in the game, as you travel on the Mississippi on a log raft. And I absolutely love the music. Every time I hear it, it takes me back in time. There's really not so much I can say that's negative about this game. Even though it's not the best game in the world, I can't find anything at fault with it. Maybe I'm remembering it with my perspective as a kid and still judge it in that light. And, I really hadn't played this game in decades. So I picked the game up again, and, lo and behold, this game is easy. haha. Like, WAY easy. In fact, I beat this game in twenty minutes or something. For some reason, my family and I just could never get past the fifth level. Maybe growing up with games all my life has honed my gamer skills to perfection (probably not), or maybe we just really sucked back then (yeah...). Either way, this is a fun game that reminds me of my childhood--all the good moments. And that's what I love the most about good games. Childhood replayed. Game beaten.

Nanorant Review:

The only negative I can say about this game: way too short!

Rating: 3.5 slingshots out of 5

NES - Mega Man

Haiku-Review:

where it all began
for the Blue Bomber and the
devious Wily

Additional Comments:

Growing up, I think I played the hell out of Mega Man 2 and 3 - so much so that I know those two games like the back of my hand. Eventually, 4, 5 and 6 snuck in there too, but for some reason, the origin somehow always eluded me. Not until I bought the Mega Man Collection for PS2 did I finally get to play the original Mega Man. My hopes were high, really high in fact, mostly because the game had become harder and harder to track down (and I wasn't willing to pay the ridiculous prices eBayers were asking for). Well...crap. All my hopes were dashed.

The two things I had always heard about this game: it's amazing and it's hellaciously difficult. I think I'm going to have to disagree with both of those statements. Yea, the game is good, not sure I would call it great or amazing - ok, perhaps for its time, but I just don't think it stands up against any of the sequels, except for maybe MM6 (but we'll get to that when we get there). I think for me, it's the arcade-style points system that gives this game such a questionable feel, but then again, I also started with MM2 and MM3, so I wasn't use to the idea that Mega Man should be based around points as opposed to just an overall victory. And really, that's where the difficulty presents itself, but the thing is, when it first came out, I have to assume that this faux difficulty didn't really exist since no one was even introduced to the concept of all enemies dropping energy pellets of one sort or another. Other than that, I can't figure out why people whine so much about how hard this game is. To me, there were three, maybe four distinct situations that proved hair-raising: Fire Man, Elec Man, Yellow Devil and maybe the lift section of Guts Man's stage. However, if I played Mega Man games the way most people do and actually use the special weapons (that's right, I use the M-Buster on everything unless absolutely required - ie, Wily in MM2. Why? It just presents an additional challenge that I've always enjoyed.), then Fire Man and Elec Man wouldn't even make the list. So then, there we have it - Yellow Devil, you are my bane. And is he ever too. He was so much easier in MM3.

Still, hopes dashed, it's still a good game, and a classic shooting platformer to boot. Besides, it started one of the best video game franchises out there. So...there you go.

Oh, and lest we forget: Cut Man, for your enjoyment - go!

Nano-rant:

From my experience, it's completely feasible to do all of the bosses without taking a hit, but what the hell is up with Fire Man!? His attack sucks balls!!

Rating: 3.5 Metools out of 5

PS3 - God of War 2 (from GoW Collection)

Haiku Review: 

Series improving.
More of the same. Wait...did I
just kill every god?

Additional Comments:

I forgot to add this to the blog after I wrote the review for the first God of War game. I bought the God of War Collection game which has the first two with improved graphics and other little extras. As a whole, I think I like the series somewhat, but it doesn't blow me away. I do really enjoy the greek mythos explored in these games, and the gameplay and presentation is pretty tight, but I really have to say it again: I hate puzzles in action games. I understand that's it's thing and I'll never be able to get away from it in any of the other GoW games, but still. I'd rather just skip the puzzles and go straight to the slicin' and dicin' of skeletons and such. Or even progress the story some! Maybe it's just the adult tone that makes me hate the puzzles so much, because I like puzzle games, and I even don't mind puzzles in the Zelda games. But in this series, it just seems...unimportant.

Other than that, this game is really fun. In any Xbox or PS3 game, I always try to get as many of the achievements or trophies as I can, and I came pretty close, but there are some that I just can't do. The challenges at the end of the game are especially tough, and I got close to beating the challenges on the first game, only to mess up and thus rage quit. The action is typical GoW fare, mindless, button-mashing awesomeness. The story is pretty cool, though I think I just killed almost every god. So I'm not sure who's left to kill in the third game. The new weapons are awesome and all serve an important role. Some of the extras in the game are kind of strange. Of particular note is the feature to wins new skins for Kratos, the silliest being a fish suit--or the, I kid you not, "Cod of War" *chuckles*.  *ahem*

Nano-rant:

Puzzles. Ugh.  *facepalm*

Rating: 3.5 random boobs out of 5

SMS - R-Type

Haiku Review:

So many bullets!
Rage quit once. Here's my tip: don't
die. Not even ONCE.

Additional Comments:

This was kind of a silly game to play, just because I really never wanted to play it until we started Beat All Games. I had heard of the R-type games, and was familiar with the SNES version, but I don't think I ever played Super R-type during the SNES era. But when I played, beat, and reviewed Super R-type for the blog, we got an amazing response from people all over the world! So, I learned one thing after playing the series: apparently the world is concerned with R-type. Though I'm not sure why.

As a curtain shooter, it's exactly what you'd expect. Space ships, bullets, power-ups, bullets, bad guys, bullets, bullets, and bullets. Also, IGN ranked this game as #7 on their Top Ten of hardest games to beat. And, man, it's tough. You pretty much have to stay alive the entire game in order to beat it, because if you die just once, you're thrown back into the fray powerless, without any gun power-ups, that extra gun-ship thingy, and you're slow as balls. That wouldn't be all that bad if the game didn't still throw everything at you at once. Man. I don't know how I beat this game, but I did it. Phew!  Game beaten. Barely.

Nano-rant:

Did I mention don't die?????????

Rating: 3 non-essential laser beams out of 5

PC - Shannara

Haiku-Review:

point and click your way
through another cliché tale
care of Terry Brooks

Additional Comments:

Having grown up purely on console gaming, I sort of missed out completely on the PC world of gaming. I could probably count the number of computer games I've played since my childhood on a single hand - seriously. Let's see: Zork, King's Quest (not sure which one), Zany Golf, Morrowind, and um...Civilization. I'm not even kidding. However, it seems as though so many of my friends enjoyed the PC world - but did I really miss out on anything? Yea, there's some PC games out there I'd love to play, but really when it comes down to it, the PC world of gaming has just never looked as impressive to me.

Well, a friend of mine recently got back into a number of old DOS games and told me I should check out Shannara. Already having reservations based purely on the fact that it's called Shannara - dare I even bother with anything that has that hack's name attached to it? Fuck it, why not? Truthfully, I was curious as I had never played one of these VGA-based point n' click adventure games other than what vague memories I still held from one of the old King's Quest games. Amazingly, I was pleasantly surprised. The game was rather enjoyable, although I can see the game retaining no replay value whatsoever. Reason being, it is so ingrained in the most convoluted puzzles; the first time around they are such a headache, yet entertaining enough to figure out, but once you learn the solutions, you could probably plow through the entire game in 20 minutes.

Knowing little of PC games, I really can't properly compare graphics, although I do think they were well drawn. The music is likely the real highlight of the game. I just love listening to the opening theme, and I never thought I'd say such a thing regarding anything with the name Shannara attached to it. Heh... The likelihood of me finding any music to showcase is pretty slim though, so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

Remarkably, I really have nothing bad to say about the game - although I could go days on end about Terry Brooks and his cliché, fantasy muck-ups. I do have this to say though: because of this game, I now know how to properly pronounce Shannara. And I know I can put that to plenty of good use. [/sarcasm]

Nano-rant:

I still don't have a fucking clue how to pronounce Wolfsktaag!!

Rating: 3 Elfstones out of 5