C64 - Burger Time

Haiku-Review:

what is with this chef?
please call the health inspector -
he walks on the food!

Additional Comments:

First off, I know what you're thinking: silly gamer, you can't beat Burger Time. True, although I'm fairly certain the NES version does have an end - are there any other ports that do? Anyways, yea, you can't beat Burger Time, however, I've been acquiring a number of retro games that are points-based that I've been wanting to play through nonetheless. The problem is determining when I feel that I've played enough of the game to consider it "beaten." While attempting the 2600 version of Crystal Castles for Beat All Games, I thought of using a minimum score that must be reached, but then I determined that was a poor way to do points-based games. Instead, I opted for the idea of reaching a loop point. The problem with Crystal Castles is that it's a bit hard to determine when exactly the game loops, especially since I've read differing opinions regarding this. On the other hand, Burger Time seems to have a very definitive loop point, albeit this loop point may vary among the various ports since the levels don't seem to follow exact specifications across the board, but whatever. The point is, for the Commodore 64 version, after Level 8, the game seems to fall into an infinite 4-Level loop from there on out (although, more accurately, you could say the loop starts after Level 7 since Level 4 is the first level to contain two Eggs and three Sausages, which becomes the norm from there on out, and since there's only four level layouts, well, you get the picture).

With my half-assed, points-based completion explanation out of the way, let's talk Burger Time. I've never played this game before, although I have poked fun at this game on numerous occasions, mostly because of the name and idea behind the game. I know Sven and I have often touted this game as the epitome of gaming silliness over the years. But now that I've actually played it - well, it's still remarkably silly, and certainly by today's standards: pointless and most likely mind-numbing. In its day though, like any other points-based game, I can see it presenting an endless challenge of frustration to bag the high score, along with some bragging rights to boot. And to this end I have to say, you know, as much as I've criticized this game, it's really not that bad of a game, and is well representative of gaming's early years. In a strange sort of way, the game reminds me a lot of Wrecking Crew, though far more primitive. Essentially, you're fumbling around a set of ladders and girders to complete an appointed task while staying clear of some everyday items gone horrible awry - in this case, eggs and sausages - ah, breakfast, how I loathe thee. Of course, unlike Wrecking Crew where your task is to destroy, in Burger Time your task is to build...well, burgers. And we're talking about some serious burgers too - they're freakin' huge!!. However, I am a bit disturbed that in order to accomplish his culinary feat, Peter Pepper must walk across the buns, meat and what can only be lettuce. Seriously, that has got to be infringing on all sorts of health code violations.

It's hard to judge difficulty on the game. Once you get to Level 4 and you're dealing with two Eggs and three Sausages, the difficulty can almost be attributed to luck more than anything. Sometimes, no matter how hard I tried, I would die countless times trapped in a corner and out of pepper (Level 7 being the worst - it took me an ungodly amount of attempts to finally make it past that level). Other times, the enemies would all congregate together on the far side of the screen, allowing for easy passage throughout the entire level. However, and I don't know if its the game itself or due to my joystick, but you have got to be pixel perfect to climb those ladders, and a lot of my deaths were related directly to faulty ladder grabbing. I have read that the Commodore 64 port suffered from this issue, but whether or not there's any truth behind it, I can't say for certain since I refused to play using the keyboard and see if it differed at all.

As far as the various ports, I can't possibly say which is the best, though I would assume the original arcade version is. I've read that the Commodore 64 port is fairly decent, at least better than a number of other ports, but really, any personal opinion would be based purely on hearsay. But I have to admit, I didn't choose the Commodore 64 version for any sort of quality assurance. I chose it because, well, I needed something to find out if I can properly get some games running on the system and Burger Time just so happened to be the first game I grabbed. After some initial tests, I just decided to go ahead and do an actual playthrough of the game. Why not? After all, according to Beat All Games' mission statement, we're to beat all games!

Rating: 2 pepper shakers out of 5

SNES - Flashback: The Quest for Identity

Haiku-Review:

is it B to jump?
wait, I press Up? but that's just
a vertical leap...

Additional Comments:

First and foremost: this game is bullshit!! Ok, now that's out of my system, let me elaborate on my seemingly avid rage regarding this game. And to do that, I must recollect my own personal history with this game. A good number of years ago, an infamous (infamous to Sven and I, at least) disc of ROM's fell into our hands. This was our first experience with ROM's and game emulation. Although neither of us were necessarily interested in playing emulated forms of games at the time - again, knowing very little of the scene, we were intrigued by the various titles that we had never played and here they were suddenly in our grasp. Of course, beyond putting in about 10 minutes worth of gaming on a title or two, the disc passed into obscurity, only to pop up every now and then over the years.

Anyways, one game I recall being on that disc was Flashback. I knew nothing of it and so, wanted to try it out. Well, a few years back, this disc popped up again and I decided to give the game a go. I was with another friend of mine who instantly recognized the game and explained that it was actually a ported computer game. Hmm, strike 1 - those are never good. But whatever, I proceeded - for about one screen. And therein lies the problem with ROM's: no instruction booklet. What the hell are you supposed to do in this game!? How the heck do you do, well, anything!? These controls suck some serious balls!!!

First off, any game where you have to press Up to jump is completely worthless in my opinion - strike 2. However, Up only causes you to perform a vertical leap. So how the fuck do you get across gaps? Needless to say, I think I spent about a week figuring out all of the controls for this game. Basically, I'd learn a new ability that would allow we to advance a couple screens until I came to a new obstacle that I couldn't pass because I didn't know the proper button configuration you had to press to bypass it. For me, this is strike 3. I will never understand SNES games (or really, games of any console) that force you to use button combos to perform moves when the controller has more than enough buttons to perform said functions without interfering with other moves. I mean, the X, L and R buttons are not even used in this game at all - so why am I having to press extraneous two and three button combos? Anyone? I can understand having to do this for the Genesis port, but come on - the buttons are there  - use them!!!

So already, this game had struck out for me. I gave up and walked away. Here it is a few years later and I located another copy of the game and decided to give it a run for its money once and for all. The game had hit that threshold of being so terrible that I just had to beat it, purely for the bragging rights alone. Sonuvabitch, within the first couple of screens, I was already crying bloody murder trying to figure out the controls all over again. I think the first time I attempted the game, I made it up to Level 3, Cyber Tower, and it took me days upon days of frustration to even make it that far. This time around, although I still struggled with the controls, I was a lot more in tune with what I had to do and made it up through Level 3 and beyond with minimal issues. In fact, other than the final level, the game was pretty easy going this time around.

Easy mode down, I proceeded to Normal. (I should mention about a month passed between my completion of Easy mode and when I started Normal mode and yet again, I forgot how to perform some of the more complicated moves - ugh.) Between Easy and Normal, there is a definite spike in difficulty, mostly through an increased number of sprites, However, I noticed that the difficulty increase between Normal and Expert was minimal at best. The only place where it really felt apparent was at the very end of Level 4 where you have to do a series of running jumps over bombs and toxic pits while staying ahead of some mobile toxic gas and kill a Flybot to open a locked door - whew! And really, the only reason this proved arduous is because of everyone's increased health in Expert mode, which in my opinion doesn't make Expert mode any harder than Normal, just far more annoying. Overall, I think the game is only as difficult as you make it out to be. True, both Normal and Expert have more sprites than Easy, but once you realize that each screen is about carefully calculating your moves, you find that the modes themselves don't really mean anything.

Despite my anger with this game, during my course of play, I did come to respect and enjoy various aspects of it. First of all, the artwork is great. I love the backgrounds and foregrounds. The sprites, however, are a different story. They just look badly drawn in my opinion, and despite the clean animation supposedly being one of the selling points of this game, it's just not doing it for me. The cutscenes, though appreciative and fairly impressive for their time as far as console games go - they come across as slow and a bit choppy. Next, the music - although limited to the end credits and some sort of mood piece that pops up every now and again - I think it's fantastic. There's something about the Ending Theme that reminds me of the great 80s Sci-Fi/Thriller movie themes. (Yea, I'm aware that link is for the Genesis port, but I can't seem to find a link for the SNES version that doesn't also spoil the ending - but you know what, I'm really diggin' that chunky synth-bass going on in that version. :P)

Additionally, I really came to respect some of the puzzles presented in this game, especially in some of the latter stages. A lot of what initially irked me came to grow on me as I found myself looking for the best solution to pass certain areas. All in all, I think this game could have been great, but there are some serious flaws that hamper it far too much. Perhaps on the Amiga or PC, this game was brilliant, but here, on a console, it lacks the real playability that console games have or should have. The biggest offender, other than the controls, is having to wait out each animation, presenting a sense of sluggish control and overall minimal maneuverability. I think if that wasn't such a crippling factor, I could probably deal with the shitty control configuration just fine, and honestly, the game would be a pretty decent Sci-Fi platformer. It's a bit sad too, because the more I played the game, the more potential I saw in it, but unfortunantely, for me, the bad far outweighs the good.

Nano-rant:

Holy Mother of God, I didn't even know you could release Left or Right while running to perform a running leap until my playthrough on Expert mode. Are there still some moves I don't know about?

Rating: 1.5 unknown trajectories out of 5

GEN - Quackshot Starring Donald Duck

Haiku-Review:

fearing neither death,
danger, nor Daisy to quest
the Great Duck Treasure

Additional Comments:

Another Genesis title that I loved when I was younger and still do. As much as I've always enjoyed DuckTales for the NES, Quackshot lifted the treasure-hunting premise centered around the feathered community of Duckburg to a whole new level. And once again, like most of the other Disney titles on the Genesis, Sega presented a nearly flawless Disney-based platformer without Capcom's branding.

The biggest difference between DuckTales and Quackshot, although Quackshot is really the big brother of the Lucky Dime Caper released on the Master System and Game Gear, however, is that Donald has taken the reins of the protagonist, and as much as I like Scrooge playing the part in the NES game, Donald just seems to fit the bill so much better. Of course, there are some peculiarities present such as Donald's weaponry: plungers to stun your enemies or popcorn/bubblegum to kill your enemies - huh? - but I've got to say thumbs up for the Temper gauge. Not only does the idea of Donald blowing his top just work so perfectly with his persona, but it's a really clever take on the common invincibility gimmick used in so many platformers. Come on, Donald bursts into a fit of rage, swinging his fists like a mad cyclone, knocking everyone off their feet. Now that's awesome! Additional win: the gauge transfers from level to level.

Another thing I've always like about this game is that although it's a completely linear game, it doesn't necessarily have a linear feel since you have to travel between locations to collect items to open passages in other locations. Of course, if you know what you need from the start, you're prone to take the path of least resistance, but to someone playing it for the first time, they might feel compelled to explore the various locales at their own pace, opening up the door for a more thorough non-linear playthrough. For me, I played the straightforward route, although Maharajah did trip me up a bit - after all, it has been a number of years since I've played this. I remember being able to that stupid door maze with no issue. I don't know how many times I found myself back in the first room this time around. Oh well.

Anyways, I have to admit, I've never actually beaten the game in the past - at least, I'm pretty certain I haven't. I know I've at least made it as far as Pete's Gang's Hideout. Beyond that I don't have much recollection. Some of the stuff on Great Duck Treasure Island looks familiar, as does the Guardian, but seriously, I do not remember that battle against Pete - so, who knows? Either way, it's beaten now, so the past is moot. And as I said, I relished playing through the game now just as much as I ever had, and for me, this game is yet another title that proves why the Genesis was a force to be reckoned with during its heyday.

And finally, I've got to say something about the graphics and music. I love the graphics in this game - all of the backgrounds are so beautifully drawn, although some of the multi-scrolling in the backgrounds, especially in Mexico, looks rather awkward - as if they didn't properly prepare their tilesets to handle said scrolling, but whatever. And then there's the music. Simply put, it's fantastic; some of my favorites being the Map Screen, Maharajah, Transylvania and Room 2.

Rating: 4 BOOM's out of 5

PS1 - Megaman X5

Haiku Review:

Now spike resistant,
X makes his best game so far,
now with more armors!

Additional Comments:

What a game! After playing the previous game, I was a little reluctant to play another in this series, because, in my mind they'd reached rock bottom with X4--even though I didn't hate the game. But, right away, this game shows you that it's not like X4. In fact, this really is the best in the series. From what I understand, this was made soon after the release of X4, and because of the timing, was made by another developer. THANK GOD. This time around there are no anime cutscenes, no cheesy voiceacting, and best of all, a lot of great ideas for the franchise. The first great idea is that you start off with X's completed armor upgrades from X4--what a brilliant idea! I've always thought how stupid it was that X always reverted to a weakened state in between the games. And...these are supposed to be episodes in a story, so why would he just lose the armor? So that's a great idea. The next great idea was that you can choose between X and Zero on any level. That means that you don't have to play the game twice to see how Zero plays. Again, brilliant! The story employs a different structure than previous games, which is a good thing. The absence of cutscenes actually improve the quality of the story, in my opinion. It keeps it simple and straightforward, like all Megaman games, and cuts the fat by eliminating confusing and cheesy character arcs. The next great new thing is the addition of new armors--similar to the white armor pieces you normally collect. This time you have a Gaea armor and Falcon armor, which you can select before the beginning of the level. Zero even gets an armor upgrade, which is awesome. The Gaea armor makes you more resistant to damage, impervious to spikes (finally!), and able to destroy stronger blocks you find in levels. It's major drawbacks are that it's offensive power is very weak and short, and you can't use any enemy weapon powers. The Falcon armor gives you the ability to fly, but doesn't have much defense or offense. Though you really don't need the armors for much, which is a negative, the positive side is that you do need them if you want to collect all the heart pieces. And if you really want to beat the game, you absolutely need all the heart pieces. Though I wish the armors were more useful, having to get them for heart pieces is very interesting and adds more gameplay than your standard playthrough. Also, it's very hard to get some of these pieces. It took me FOREVER to get one of the Falcon armor pieces.

This game also had a lot of throwbacks to the X series. There were Sigma levels that copied levels from Megaman 2 and Megaman X. There were a lot of musical throwbacks from previous bosses in the franchise. And I liked these. The music was really great. In fact, it is the best in the franchise thus far. Some of my faves being the character select screen, Squid Adler, Izzy Glow, The Skiver and the Mission Report. In fact, I enjoyed almost all of the tracks. They really did a great job with the guitar sound. I don't think it's actual guitar recorded, but a keyboard synthesizing the guitar. And if I'm correct, they did a darn good job at hiding the tell-tale signs of keyboard to guitar synthesizing.

They also had a timed aspect of the game for the story mode. While I don't normally care for that, they did a decent job with it here. It adds some dramatic tension while throwing something new into the fray. They also have a strange Guns N Roses obsession in this game. All the bosses save for Sigma are named after someone in GNR. Strange...

They even deviate somewhat from the standard Sigma pattern. Normally, the final boss, Sigma, has three parts to defeat. I hate this normally because Sigma is so dog-gone hard that in the last version, you basically have little to no spare energy in the E-tanks, so  you almost have to be flawless in your fight. On top of that, they usually change Sigma's tactics after taking down half his energy. Well, in this game, there are only two versions of Sigma, but the second version has twice as much energy as the first. So, while technically it's similar, you only have four tactics to beat instead of six--which is a godsend!

But the best parts about the game are these: crouch and a game difficulty choice. Awesome!

All in all the best Megaman X game in the franchise. It seems a little dated, but not it's too bad. 

Rating: 4.5 new armor pieces out of 5

Nano-win: The Crouch!!!!

NES - Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

Haiku-Review:

the series' black sheep
throws intense difficulty
at every turn

Additional Comments:

Ah, the infamous Zelda II, spurned by so many Zelda fans for its rampant deviations from a typical Zelda game. I first played this game sometime in the late 90s on the NES and then again a few years back on the Game Cube's Legend of Zelda Collector's Edition. On my first playthrough, I made it as far as the River Devil; completely stumped on how to get past. Thinking back, I believe I may have never uncovered the over water passage to the Palace on the Sea, thus never acquiring the flute to scare away the bugger. On my second playthrough, I made it all the way up to the second mountain pass before the Great Palace. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not muster enough energy to survive the gauntlet from either Nabooru or New Kasuto, depending on what town I used as a home base to regenerate health and magic. And so, I gave up - yet another Zelda game that would sadly go down as unbeaten. Sigh, I have far too many of those.

Anyways, for Beat All Games, it was time to tackle it once again, and finally take it down. Even three or four years since my last contact, I had already forgotten how tough this game is. Right from the get go, this game is relentless, and it only gets harder as you progress. However, what I find so odd is to what ends that this difficulty exists. Unlike most Zelda games, where difficulty is emphasized through the use of complex puzzles, Zelda II creates difficulty with typical NES projectile sprites in which the projectiles are nearly impossible to dodge. To me, this game embraces the legendary "NES difficulty" that is often attributed to a number of early shooter/platformers. That combined with the lack of puzzles (which I'm sure people would be quick to argue - but honestly, the "puzzles" in this game aren't really puzzles, but more of an off-the-beaten-path walkabout to acquire an item) is what really sets this game apart from a typical Zelda game. I know a lot of people will usually point fingers at the lack of overworld play and the questionable side-scrolling sections as the culprits of a bad Zelda game, but for me, they're not to blame. Lack of puzzles and "NES difficulty" is to blame.

But don't think I'm slamming this game just like any other avid Zelda fan. As a Zelda game, yea, it's my least favorite of the ones I've played (hmm, maybe Faces of Evil is worse, but really, I haven't given my all yet with that game, so I'll have to get back on that one). But as I played this game through for the third time, and finally finding victory, I came to realize if you view the game as a generic RPG sidescroller, it's not that bad of a game. It's still tough as balls, but it's a pretty decent NES game that just so happens to share some name/character similarities to Legend of Zelda. That's all. Seriously, once I stepped outside of the "Zelda" box, I came to appreciate the game tenfold. I began to see it as something akin to Faxanadu, but with an early Ultima style overworld attached. Unfortunately, the game still doesn't hold a finger to Faxanadu itself, but I can definitely say the game is nowhere near as horrible as I once made it out to be.

Well, now that all of the controversial stuff is out of the way, I'd like to point out a few grievances specific to the game. I've already touched on the "NES difficulty" and the needless sidetracking, so I'm not going to echo either of those points again. But one very important point I feel must be made: why are there scenarios where you need an item to correctly pass an area, yet said item is after said area? Fortunately, the two glaringly obvious situations where this occurs are both easy, but still, why is this game mechanic even present? The two situations I'm talking about is the tunnel to Parapa Desert, in which you need the Candle, and the plains between the dock and Nabooru Village, in which the Fire spell is certainly a help. However, the Candle is hidden in Parapa Palace and the Fire spell is in Nabooru Village. What the hell, man!?

I'd also like to talk about advance sprite AI - where some of the enemies seem to know your next move before you even know what your next move is. Well, technically, that's not true, nor possible with such primitive coding techniques, but it certainly feels that way. The biggest offenders are obviously the various colored Iron Knuckles and Lizalfoses, but with patience, they can easily be defeated, either by Down Thrusting the Lizalfoses or faking out the Iron Knuckles, but come on, Dark Link is just ridiculous. Other than through the usage of a proximity bug with the left side of the screen, I have no idea how you're supposed to even score a hit. I don't know how many times I attempted Dark Link before I realized you can prove victorious with a no-hit defeat using the aforementioned bug. And with that in mind, the total number of hits achieved before I found said bug: a big fat zero!! Talk about some serious bullshit....

Whatever, the game is done and in the end, despite what I've always thought about it, I rather enjoyed playing through it this time around. It's still a pretty bogus Zelda game that reeks of B-team quality, suffering the same consequences that many popular NES titles suffered when it came to producing a sequel, but it's an incredibly engaging RPG sidescroller nonetheless. And with that, I'm satisfied, because let's face it, there's not that many games to be found in this awkward, little sub-genre, so I'll take what I can get.

And finally, although the music isn't necessarily up to snuff compared to other Zelda games, the music is still quite enjoyable. Both the Overworld and Palace themes are fantastic, and each one is definitely befitting of the environments in which they play.

Nano-Rant:

Fuck those undodgeable, unblockable bullshit projectiles!!!!

Rating: 3 Spell spells out of 5

PS1 - Megaman X4

Haiku Review:

X, Zero, next gen,

OH MY GOD, THE VOICES SUUUUUUCK!
but...nice try, Capcom.

Additional Comments:

Heeeeeey...I played a game! And beat it. After a long hiatus of reading (God forbid), I finally played a game that I think I never beat. Everyone knows I'm a Megaman fan, and that I have a particular affection toward the X series. When I was younger, and I first found out about Megaman X4 for the Playstation, I was beyond excited. I was under the impression that Capcom was only going to release the Megaman franchise to Nintendo, and since I never saw anything for the N64 outside of Megaman Legends (stupid!), I thought Capcom was finished with the series. I picked up the game, played it with my brother, and immediately nutted myself because I could play as Zero. ZERO! He's got a SWORD! And LONG HAIR! He's RAD! My brother played as X, and we both found out what the game was like on either side of the story. But the thing I remember most about this game was that my brother beat the game and I didn't. In fact, I remember this game being hard as BALLS! So what did I find out from playing this over a decade later?

This game is hard as balls! Well, really X's story isn't too hard. His side of things is actually pretty vanilla--a little boring, to be honest. You don't really need to use any of the powers that often, unless it's for a boss fight, and the powers are pretty lame. His story is so generic, too. But Zero, on the other hand. Oh. My. God. Zero's playthrough is friggin' tough. The first problem you see with Zero is that he only has a sword. No charged shot or long distance blast, just a short sword. That means that you have to get within a couple of paces of the enemy to just initiate a fight. Contrast that with X, who has a charged shot and who is exclusively long distance, you can keep enemies at arm's length. With Zero, you have to hug them. Then, Zero's powers are a little strange. You still get powers after you beat a boss, as with X, but with Zero, you get "moves". So, what I mean is that, say you beat Slash Beast. What you get from him is a move that allows you to slash while dashing. As a move, you don't need to select them as weapons or get weapon refills for weapon energy; you just do the move. Do it as often as you like, whenever you want. That's a cool idea, but in a Megaman game, it has a lot of limitations. Because of this, Zero's playthrough is like playing the game on Hard mode.

It's hard to say if this game succeeded as a sequel or not. I didn't like the music. Hated it, actually. The only track I enjoyed was Frost Walrus. And that's probably because it reminded me of Super Mario 64. The presentation was real hit-or-miss. The graphics look great, and as far as a graphical style, I think this is the logical next step to the X series. But then they added anime cutscenes. And I'm really fine with that idea. Chrono Trigger for the PS really did it right. But this game does it wrong. Very wrong. The animation is lackluster to begin with, and on top of that, they spent probably $20 total on the voice acting. It's atrocious. It's the worst voice acting I've ever seen or heard. Now, if you're wondering whether or not the v-sync on that video is off, it isn't. The voice acting is just that bad.

So. What to say, what to say. I liked the game, but probably only because I'm a Megaman fan. If I played this game as an outsider, I'd probably have to make fun of this game for the rest of my life.

Rating: 3 Zero cries out of 5.

Nano-rant: "No this isn't happening! There's no reason for me to go on! What...what am I fighting FORRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGHHHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!