SNES - Super R-Type

Haiku Review: 

Lots of bullets here,
and... cyborgs? Beat this game in
forty-five minutes.   :-(

Additional Comments:

Not much to say, really. I do like curtain shooters, but this seemed weaker than most. The story sucked, but I'm not even sure why they bothered with a story at all. The weapons kind of sucked. They reminded me of Contra in the way that weapons drop and you really don't always want to pick every one up because some suck. This did that. I prefer it when the weapons are upgrades and the guns get better and better (like Gradius 3). The one cool thing was the detachable ship/gun thing. And, yes. This game was seriously short. And, yes, I did beat the game in 45 minutes.

Nano-rant Review:

OMG why do all curtain shooters need enemies that are cyborgs!  The last boss was a cyborg baby!

Rating: 3.5 borgs out of 5

XB360 - Mass Effect 2

Haiku Review:

Space Operas rock hard--

especially when you try

to bang all the chicks

Additional Comments:

Probably the best RPG franchise out there, in my opinion. From the visuals, to the story, to the soundtrack, and gameplay, this game and its predecessor is spectacular. If you have a 360, you need this game. Plus, anytime there's a scifi game, I pretty much have to play it. Being able to import your character with all their moral choices and consequences into the second game, and have the consequences continue on even to the third (and future) game, is INCREDIBLE!

 Nano-rant Review:

What the heck is up with that last boss??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Rating: 5 space pimps out of 5

N64 - Banjo-Kazooie

Haiku-Review:

item hide and seek -
for completion, fart the eggs
into Jinjo's hole

Additional Comments:

For being as anti-Nintendo 64 as I am, I've always believed Banjo-Kazooie to be an amazing game, and still do. I think what made this game work was the fact that it wasn't originally based on a franchise that started in the world of 2D side-scrollers, unlike Mario, Donkey Kong, Castlevania and whatever else the N64 ruined. But I'm not here to throw stones at that piece of shit console and its side-scrolling defiling guerrilla tactics - though I do have a pile o' plenty just waiting to be thrown. No, I'm here to talk about the greatness that is Banjo-Kazooie.

To me, this is one of those games where you sit back and think, "Sheesh, where do I even begin?" Everything in this game just felt so new, so original. The worlds themselves are unlike any others I've ever seen. Yea, you have a swamp, and a desert complete with pyramids, an ice world, and so on, but they are such incredibly fresh takes on each one of these ideas, especially Click Clock Wood - that world was just brilliant - that this game just stamped its authority all over the books of awesome gaming. And then you have the music - what is it with Rare and knowing how to put together an unbelievable soundtrack that just comes completely out of left field? There's so many options to choose from as an example, so I'll just pick one at random: Freezeezy Peak.

Really, there's just so much I could talk about regarding this game, so much so that I could probably turn this post into a rather lengthy essay, but I'm not going to. I'll just finish up by saying that Rare pulled off a total gem with this game, so do yourself a favor and go play it if you haven't already. And if you have, then play it again!

Rating: 5 Ice Keys out of 5

GBA - Mario Pinball Land

Haiku-Review:

if you want to play
a good non-pinball pinball
game - Sonic Spinball!

Nano-rant:

...oh, and I'm not kidding either.  This game is so focused on luck of the draw it makes me want to punch a baby!!  Seriously, chuck this game and go play the far superior Sonic Spinball and you'll see exactly what a pinball/platformer hybrid should be.

Additional Comments:

Now that that's out of my system, let me clear the air.  When I first got my hands on this game, it made for a fun little time-killer.  But, good god, try and take this game to the next step - trying to beat it - and you'll start pulling your hair out over how skill-less this game is.  Take it even further and try to accomplish the 100% finish to attain the alternate ending, well....  And what really bothers me is that the game isn't even hard, it's just so frustratingly luck based, it's insane.  Case in point: second King Tut battle.  I had to have spent somewhere between 30 and 45 minutes battling that son of a bitch.  Why?  Well first off, his room is circular the second time around, and hitting the obelisks is damn near impossible due to Mario's interaction regarding the flippers and circular design often resulting in skirting the room's perimeter at top speed.  And when you finally do hit the obelisks, it's even more impossible to hit King Tut himself before you're shrunk back down to size.  The only other boss battle I can recall that even remotely stretched on for such a ridiculous amount of time was Galbalan in Ys III: Wanders from Ys, but that's because he seemed to suffer from the 2 million hp syndrome.

Really, I didn't expect much from this game to begin with, but to have Mario in the title, I did expect something a little better than this.  Oh well...

Music?  Sadly, I can only find music from the boss battles, and in my opinion, the boss battle themes just aren't as good as the stage themes, which truthfully, I enjoyed quite a bit, especially the Snowy Stage.  And in my opinion, the music is the only highlight of the game.

And so, this game is a fun little treat for about 20 minutes and then nothing but a frustrating she-bitch of a game from there on out.  Don't play it!

Rating: 1 star out of 5

GEN - Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle

Haiku-Review:

paper, rock, scissors
is the route to victory.
what a bizarre game!

Additional Comments:

Being that this is the first Alex Kidd game I've ever played, I really didn't know what to expect, other than the music, which I already had a fair knowledge of, and knowing that Alex Kidd himself appeared to be some sort of monkey-kid hybrid, having previously come across the Alex Kidd sprite in an SMW hack.  Well, turns out, this is one of those games where you basically have to throw everything you know about platformers out the window and start from scratch, because this game just makes less and less sense at every turn - the paper-rock-scissor boss battles and shop/gambling houses leading the way.  But if only they touted some of the story at the beginning of the game instead of saving it all to the end, then perhaps we would know that Alex Kidd ventured to Planet Paperock, therefore making this silly finger game appear at every turn not seem all that ridiculous after all.

Other than that, the game has some nice, early style 16-bit graphics thrown in there and it is fitted with a rather upbeat and joyous soundtrack, ie: Desert Theme

Nano-rant (Macro-rant?):

Ok, I'm going to be surpassing the "nano" measure by quite a bit, but two things I just have to mention:
1. The aforementioned bouts of Janken replacing boss battles just feels so cheap.  You work your way through a level only to come to a guardian which you can pass by throwing a single winning hand of paper-rock-scissors.  What's the point of even having a boss?  Well, I suppose you get rewarded with an actual battle with the end boss, but ooh, not so fast - first you must beat me in two rounds of Janken.  Are you shittin' me?  Gah!
2. Oh wait, we're not done yet, you know that final boss you just defeated?  Come to find out he was just your long lost father's servant.  He was just a little lonely and wanted to play a game.  And to top it off, your father's rather happy living on Paperock.  Then what the hell did I even go through this adventure for!?  I should have just called him on the phone, or has Paperock replaced all phones with pathetic games of Janken?

Congrats, Alex, you have received a macro-rant.....  But don't let that fool you, despite my gripes, this was still a pretty clever and fun little platformer.  Definitely not the greatest, but nonetheless enjoyable due to it's quirky features.

Rating: 3 pedicopters out of 5

GB - Super Mario Land

Haiku-Review:

by submarine and
airplane to rescue...Daisy?
but shhh...don't tell Peach

Additional Comments:

Always a personal favorite in the Mario catalog due to its bizarre uniqueness, yet still familiar due to very similar gameplay like that of SMB1.  It's almost as though this was a more fitting sequel than both SMB2 and/or SMB2J (read The Lost Levels) ever was.  I think more than anything, it was just cool seeing all of the enemies carry their original Japanese names instead of suffering through some dire translation, although I always wondered what was up with Chicken.

...and here's two final thoughts to share.
1. Muda had some great music.  Well, really the whole game had pretty great music.
2. This game also spawned, in my opinion, she whom eventually came to be the more attractive of the two princesses in Mario's life. And don't tell me you've never thought about which princess reigns supreme. So there...

Rating: 3.5 Chicken's out of 5

NES - Bad Dudes

Haiku-Review:

save the president
from predictable ninjas.
as always: "I'm bad!"


Additional Comments:

The one thing I've always taken from this game is the unique auto-scrolling levels (Stages 2&5: Tandem Trailer Truck and Freight Train - hey look, the best music in the game too!!). Playing this game so many years ago, those two levels always stuck out in my mind, even more so than the deafening "I'm bad!" proclaimed at the end of each stage. And now, having just pressed through this game again, those two stages still stand out from the crowd.

Yea, I guess that's about it - deafening proclamations of self badness, interesting level scrolls, and oh, lest me forget when we finally save the president?

"Hey Dudes thanks, for rescuing me. Let's go for a burger.... Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

-the president

*facepalm*

Rating: 3 burgers out of 5

Kicking the Old Nugget Around

Just a fews things I thought I'd share:

1: I made a page showing all beaten games. Sadly, Batman's rather lonely at the moment. However, he's got some friends coming as I slowly post the remaining titles so far beaten since I started this foolish experiment.

B: I'm going to be posting all titles in chronological order regarding dates of victory here on the main page. Under the list, they will be separated by gaming system.

Q: (shh...don't tell anyone, but I actually started this experiment on July 30th and not on August 1st as I claimed.)

Ducks: I thought I'd also mention to anyone who may be rather skeptical of the whole project, especially regarding any truth behind posted games actually being won, well...hmm, I guess you just have to trust me. Actually, I thought about posting end scene stills for each game beaten, although that really doesn't prove actual victory as I could probably wade through thousands of pics on the net and eventually find one. I don't know, I may still do that just for shits and giggles, but don't hold me to it.  Besides, what do I have to gain from lying about beating these games? Being able to add them to my list? Really, that's just childish - but then again, so is this whole project, so whatever. Truthfully, one of the main reasons for this whole project is being able to experience the countless games out there from beginning to end that I've either just never finished, or never even played to begin with. Also, it gives me a chance to replay so many beloved classics that I've always cherished. Posting the whole thing to a blog was just something I thought would add a little extra humor and uselessness to the whole ordeal.  So there.....

Toyota Corolla: Another fun little thing I thought about doing was adding a link to each "game won" post showcasing a particular track from that title.

PS3 - God of War

Haiku Review: 

Gods against a man,
a man wins. Puzzles, boobs, gore,
puzzles, and PUZZLES (?!)

Additional Comments:

Maybe I just expected more from one of the most acclaimed action/adventure romps of all time. This game is SHORT. And, although it has some interesting moments, I'm really glad I didn't pay full price for this game. Also, I played this on the Collector's Edition with both GoW and GoW2 on it.

Nano-rant Review:

I FREAKIN' HATE PUZZLES IN ADVENTURE GAMES!!

Rating: 3 red orbs out of 5

NES - Batman: The Video Game

Haiku-Review:

the greatest music!
and for best effect, always
use the boomerang

Additional Comments:

Seriously, Streets of Desolation, need I even say more?

Now, I've owned this game ever since it came out, but for some reason I just could never beat it. Well, actually, I know exactly why - those armored tanks always somehow got the better of me, sad to admit (perhaps because of my belief that the boomerang is the best weapon - use the gun instead while the tanks are stranded on the screen border, or glitch 'em out of existence by on-screen/off-screen hijinks). Nevertheless, I only felt it fitting that one of the greatest NES platformers be first on a list of what will hopefully become many in my quest to Beat All Games.

And finally, I thought I'd add a quick nano-rant, although even proposing the idea that anything should be ranted about in this game seems rather insane. After all, Sunsoft just hit this one clear out of the park!

Nano-rant:

The BatDemon is a freakin' weapon depletion fiend. So, fuck you, BatDemon!!

Rating: 4 boomerangs out of 5

We're not alone...

...even when it comes to beating all games. As you can see, I now have game beating comrades (well, just one I suppose), which can help serve a very tactical advantage in gaming victories. However, we will be following two very different gaming paths to cover as many games as possible.

Right now, I am slowly trekking through a vast mountain of retro games ranging from the Atari 2600 to the Sony Playstation and pretty much everything in between - though that is not to say that some next generation console games may not show up - who knows?

XB360 - Borderlands

Haiku Review:


RPG has sex
with shooter with loot and GUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sweet Jesus titty cin'mon!

Personal Opinions:

Though I don't consider this the best game that I've ever played, it is the most fun game I've ever played, and that counts for something. It really is as if an RPG and a shooter made a baby, with the shooter side of the family more prominent. Plus, you'll want to beat this game about a million times to get all the crazy--bazillion-guns-worth--loot.  Plus the co-op is the funnest I've ever played on any game, on any system.

Nanorant:

All my friends sold Borderlands!  Friends, you suck!!!!

Rating: 5 crazy midget head-shots out of 5

One more tidbit...

We're going to do our reviews in haiku form. Just to spice things up a bit.

And I'm just the opposite.

Hey, I'm Dave, and I'm not going to ONLY post reviews of games that I've beaten from August on, I'm going to try to review every game that I've beaten--that I can remember.

Because we want to beat all games!

Huh?

As the description states, I'm here to finish victoriously in as many video games as I can. Of course, I have already done just that in a number of games over the years, but I've decided that I will only be including those games that I've started since the beginning of August, 2010, only because I can keep a more accurate list of what has and hasn't been beaten. Also, it gives me a chance to replay some of the great games of old.

So what games are included? All Games! Yes, I will attempt games, picked rather haphazardly, from most any system as long as the game falls within one very specific guideline: there is a definitive end-goal that can be obtained. Beyond that, most anything flies from pretty much any gaming category. Of course, I don't have access to all games and/or all systems, so that will slightly hinder what games may be placed on the list, but of those games and systems I do have access to - well, let's just say there's more than enough games to keep me busy.

And just when is a game considered beaten? Well, I'm going to follow what may seem like a detestable grey area concerning game victories based on type and conditions allowable. First and foremost, the end credits must be obtained along with any end screen. In addition, all difficulties and game percentages must be completed if applicable. And finally, relevance to overall victory will be ascertained and a ruling will be judged on how relevant towards overall victory such conditions end up being. Beyond that, it should be fairly straightforward.