GB - Nail 'N Scale

Haiku-Review:

occupation Q:
I've a pocket full of nails;
carpenter, I'm...not?

Additional Comments:

Along with Super Mario Land, Super Mario Land 2, and Tetris, Nail 'N Scale is one of my all time favorite Game Boy games. Part of my original collection as a kid, I remember long car trips giving these four games intensive play time - far, far more than the other few games I had, although I recall putting my fair share of time into NBA All-Star Challenge as well. I always enjoyed early era Basketball games. But that's another story, though if I ever get around to commenting on David Robinson's Supreme Court, I may just get a chance to tell it. Ah, memories.

Unlike either of the SML titles, I never made the headway in Nail 'N Scale that I did in the other two as a kid, at least nothing to boast about. Although, gaining access to Wario's castle but failing to finish it was never anything to boast about, so touché. Nevertheless, I never let the daunting task of facing Nail 'N Scale's harsh realism of one life to live do me in. Never give up! Never surrender! (Wait. Why do I know that quote from a lame, lame Tim "the Toolman" Allen movie? Ugh.) Still, the man does speak the truth. Except, eventually after having to repeat the first few levels for the nth time as you continue to try and figure out the best route in one of the later levels only to die from a combination of frustration, exhaustion, and stupidity, such sentiment is meaningless. I'll damn well give up if I choose. Hold the boat. There's a stage select ability? Why am I only just now realizing this some twenty-something years later? And of all places, I find out about it in the manual, something I know I looked at time and again years' past as I was one of those humdrum types that always found delight in leafing through the manuals. Chalk that one up to gross oversight. Sheesh.

Two larger than life railroad spikes and an affinity for high jumps (or frustratingly close but no cigar jumps in 1P Hard) is all our hero needs to scale these impossible towers. In many ways, Nail 'N Scale reminds me of Milon's Secret Castle - a good deal of navigating simplified, yet difficult block puzzles littered with one hit beasties that resurrect after a few short seconds. I've never liked the concept of enemies that can resurrect on screen like that. It's always felt like a lazy approach to difficulty, especially when you're trying to line up a jump or javelin throw only to die from an enemy suddenly coming back to life. It's annoying. I wouldn't say it's unfair, as it's never exactly unfair, but there is definitely aggravation under certain situations lest you keep moving.

Also like Milon's Secret Castle, Nail 'N Scale has a large focus on destroying blocks in order to advance, although often is the case in this game, you don't want to destroy the blocks. This calls for either clever hoarding and usage of white spikes or incredible fleet of foot. In 1P Easy, this isn't so much the case as you can afford to take your time and strategize. 1P Hard doesn't allow for such luxuries with a 3 minute timer and, especially in the late game stages, the timer really hammers on the pressure to make quality jumps on your initial attempts. Stages that specifically call for climbing inverted slopes or staircases are pure misery. That 3 minute timer isn't helping anybody as you really need to be on your A game with button presses to make those impossible jumps in quick succession. Oh, and as I mentioned before, your jump height has been nerfed in 1P Hard, so yea.

Point was, destroying blocks, and there's a lot of puzzles built specifically around this gimmick. Some involve creating staircases out of solid walls. One particular late stage has a number of hard blocks interspersed throughout the wall which makes overall wall destruction a true test. I still have no idea what the proper solution is and relied on hoarding exploding spikes from previous stages. Other stages consist of puzzles where you carefully have to navigate mimic-like blocks and figure out the proper pattern of block to destroy in order to advance. I found these stages to be the most devious, yet the most enjoyable.

Overall, the game is a typical action/puzzle game with a very bouncy, and if it wasn't limited to Game Boy's gray-scale color scheme, I'd imagine beautifully vibrant feel. It's also a lost gem, in my opinion at least. I rarely, if ever, see the game brought up in Game Boy game discussions and it's a shame. For me, it's up there with the best of the best as far as Game Boy titles are concerned and a definite recommended play for anyone who's into action/puzzle games. If anything, it damn near exemplifies the block puzzle/platforming genre. But it's not without its faults. It is, however, accompanied by an expected bouncy soundtrack. with tunes like Stages 1-9 or Stages 21-29. Looking back on my youth, I must have had that first tune ingrained in my head given how many time's I'd have to restart the game from the very beginning. And that is the game's true flaw, except for that damnable stage select that managed to escape me all these years.

Nano-Rant:

There is, however, one other flaw that really got on my nerves - something I never experienced as a kid because, well, I just never made it far enough into the game to know. The latter bosses have some really questionable hitboxes. A couple of them, namely the final boss, Lore, left me confused during my initial playthrough on 1P Easy. Apparently, I was taking the wrong approach to the boss despite it working...technically. Though painfully slow, my plan of action was entirely based on hitting a collision box from the wrong angle that apparently appeared on certain frames as nothing more than a pixel or two in width. It wasn't until 1P Hard, several battles in, when I finally realized how you're actually supposed to defeat him - that my directional focus was entirely incorrect. I only learned the proper way because the 3 minute timer forced me to try alternate methods.

But the bosses alone don't suffer from questionable hitboxes. There are a couple enemies here and there that also felt cheap or slightly off when it came to perceivable hit compared to actual hitbox. This mostly involved movement and may have been more a limitation of the Game Boy itself in regards to rotational figures where the hitbox appeared to be slightly ahead of the sprite by a few frames. Regardless, I never found it aggravating, just unfortunate on a few occasions. The hitboxes on a couple select bosses though...that's a different story.

Nano-Win:

Finally getting past the beginning section of Stage 39 after which seemed countless attempts. That's win enough.

Relying on a strategy that is used literally nowhere else in the game. Ugh.

Rating: 4 Mojo Jumps out of 5

GB - The Smurfs

Haiku-Review:

they're three apples high,
but they're as big as a cat?
must be Hokuto's

Additional Comments:

I'm well aware of all Smurf related proportion discrepancies. Having been a fan of the wee blue creatures since I was myself a wee creature, I've had my fill of questioning Smurf perspective. But on a more interesting note, and a more relative note, the Smurfs hold a special place in my video game heart. The very first video games I ever played and cherished were from the storied Atari 2600, and among those treasured memories are games like Frogger, River Raid, Pac-Man, Combat, Asteroids, and Smurf: Rescue in Gargamel's Castle. Like the others mentioned, I remember loving Rescue in Gargamel's Castle and playing it endlessly. Sadly, it's the one 2600 title I've yet to replace. I vaguely recall trying it on a emulator a few years back, but it just wasn't the same. Without that stiff joystick feel, it's a mere fraction of the true Atari experience.

But that's all just an unrelated yarn in regards to the game in hand other than they both share the same roots: Smurfs. If only the Game Boy's take on the fungal-dwelling Smurfs carried the same joy as Rescue in Gargamel's Castle. Before I go any further, that one statement should speak volumes, but I'm going to say I'm erring on the side of nostalgia against The Smurfs for the Game Boy because nostalgia has a funny way of pulling at our heartstrings. Consider it a crux, I suppose.

The Smurfs is a simple platformer containing short, concise levels. Considering it's a Game Boy title, it's hard to condemn the narrow-minded approach of each level. Gimmicks are straightforward and focused, so much so that nearly nothing else exists within each level. Any other system, namely consoles, and I'd find the overall design lacking, but somehow it works here. The only time I was left wanting more would likely be The Cliff, but the gimmick itself is impressive for the Game Boy, so I can overlook its incredibly short stretch of real estate.

However, I would criticize some of the more claustrophobic moments on levels like The Old Gold Mine. There's a particular dip in the track about two-thirds of the way in where the cart and a falling boulder approach it at the same time but the ceiling is so low that it's damn near impossible to jump the boulder without getting hit. I think I only managed to get past that boulder once damage free out of a good twenty times or so. The Sarsaparilla Fields has its moments with those reflecting fuzzballs, though I'd pin that down to faulty collision tactics.

I hardly call that case for concern though as the levels are solid enough to shrug off some of the more devious slip-ups. I'd probably accredit the sheer variety of level builds to my upturned snootiness towards solid, but realistically sub-par design. It reminds me of a watered-down Little Nemo as far as general level construction is concerned, but then, a Game Boy version of anything is going to be a watered-down version of its former glory. So, why complain? But seriously, what will they throw at me next in Hefty's grand adventure? Whether rafting down a river, flying on the back of an old trustworthy stork, or shredding snow on a sledge - eh, sledges don't exactly invoke snow shredding capabilities -  The Smurfs certainly can't be disparaged for stale level design.

Levels aside, and the sad truth that of all the Smurfs to be rescued, Brainy has to be one of them - nobody likes Brainy, nobody - there is a sizable transgression enacted by two of the three bosses. All three bosses are decent ideas, in fact, I think Gargamel is rather clever - simple, but clever. Unfortunately, both the dragon and Gargamel are poorly designed in practice. There is absolutely zero room for error in either battle. Essentially, there is only one way to defeat each of these bosses and if you make even the slightest misstep, consider yourself smurfed. Even on Easy, I suffered numerous deaths on each of these bosses, though I think the dragon infuriated me more. Really, it's the stupid one tile wide platforms that are perfectly placed to cause the greatest level of annoyance that brings the dragon's battle to a grinding halt. But that's also a matter of Hefty's ambiguous jump physics. Am I really gaining x acceleration if I suddenly hit the B button mid jump or is my mind just playing tricks on me. I swear I accidentally overshot some jumps because of this weird momentum anomaly. The real question though: why do game's with iffy jump mechanics rely so heavily on one tile wide platforms? Somehow game designers decided that's the perfect marriage of fuck all to piss gamers off to no end. Bravo! But I'm off point. Funny enough, it wasn't until my playthrough on Hard where I finally understood the necessary jump pattern to defeat the dragon without succumbing to a dastardly placed flame. Likewise, I killed Gargamel on my first attempt on Hard while I failed continuously on the easier difficulties. What irony.

The sudden spike in difficulty from easy-peasy levels to unforgiving bosses is the true culprit preventing this game from being a noteworthy platformer from the old grey brick. Considering the simpleness of the levels though, gaming mediocrity is really all it hoped to ever achieve. It did manage to sneak a few catchy tunes in there such as The Swamps or The Flight of the Stork. Both of those tracks stir up thoughts of some of the more amazing Commodore 64 or Amstrad CPC music.

It's worth a try for Game Boy enthusiasts, I suppose, but nothing more. For fans of platformers, consider it a miss. And for fans of the Smurfs, well I still prefer Rescue in Gargamel's Castle even if I'm living under the pretense of nostalgia goggles. I'm sure others might share the same sentiment for this game over other Smurf games, and I'm sure most, if not all, would disagree with me regarding the old 2600 classic. Like I care.

Rating: 2.5 evil Smurfs out of 5*

*Wait. Who are these evil Smurfs? Did Gargamel mold more twisted decoys out of clay? I figured after the Smurfette failure, Gargamel would give up on that particular plan of attack.

GB - Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins

Haiku-Review:

erase what we know-
no princess rescuer here;
time to save your home

Additional Comments:

Whether or not it's actually the case, it's always seemed to me that the Game Boy Mario titles got a bit of a bad rap as either straying too far from canon or simply being perceived as kiddie games thanks to their simplistic play and ease of difficulty. But, to be fair, aren't all Mario games guilty of difficulty erring on the side of leisure as opposed to edge of your seat turmoil? Well, at least the 2D titles. I can't exactly speak for any of the 3D stuff, because frankly, I just don't care for them.

I love the Game Boy Mario titles, though I've never played beyond 2. Of course, they're really no longer Mario titles as they are Wario titles by that point. Super Mario Land was a delightful departure from the original Mario games, yet somehow felt familiar enough to prove, in my eyes, a better sequel than Super Mario Panic...er, 2 on the NES. And Super Mario Land 2 was a fantastic reinvention of Super Mario World for the small screen - at least, that's how I always viewed the game thanks to its basic layout. Not unlike Super Mario Land, Super Mario Land 2 was a dramatic deviation from Mario's console titles. Sure, he still jumped his way through fantastic landscapes filled with a myriad of beasts of all shapes and sizes either meeting their fate by Mario's own foot or a fiery flower-induced sphere of pain. Again, there's a certain familiarity to everything, despite exploring the insides of a whale, a giant house - or at least it appears giant to our now miniaturized hero - the moon, or even a nearby star. Surely, these are unknown landscapes for our intrepid plumber, but seeing how Mario games have come to follow a very distinct formula: grasslands, deserts, ice lands, mountains, forests, and volcanic wastelands, I welcome these unique domains with open arms. Even if it is a tad disturbing, I'll gladly navigate the interior workings of a giant whale.

There's still more than enough similarities, even if we aren't on the usual princess rescue mission for the nth time, to merit Super Mario Land 2 as a true to heart Mario game. We're still popping mushrooms out of conveniently placed question blocks and kicking koopa troopas to an untimely demise - though markedly fewer in population it appears. But then, there's the irregularities that sets the game apart as an inside tip for quirkiness and blatant disregard for well known Mario dogma. From Mario's humble beginnings as simple plumber magically warped into the strange Mushroom Kingdom out to liberate the ever so unlucky Princess Toadstool, we've been indoctrinated that 100 coins equates to a 1-up. Ok, ok, Super Doki Bros. Panic already turned our mindsets upside-down by introducing a health system and other such nonsense, but I've never considered that game a proper Mario platformer anyway. Blame laziness on the parts of Nintendo for creating a vast pool of uncertain vagaries muddling up what should be proper Mario mechanics. But that's not the point. Here, the developers chose to drastically change everything we've ever known about Mario's resurrection system. Just because you fancy yourself a coin collector doesn't mean they're going to give out backup lives willy-nilly. No. Instead, life's an investment. You need to save that hard earned cash and gamble it all away much like any poor schmuck throws away a quick hundred on twenty. Then again, you proffer 99 lives for a mere 999 coins - any other Mario game would delegate 9 measly lives for such wealth. So, what's wrong with gambling now?

But truth be told, despite life's riches in comparison to a typical Mario game, the gambling hall feels awkward. Even the poor man's casino offering fire flowers and carrots seems inappropriate, especially considering Super Mario World's start+select feature is carried over. Not only that, on the whole, lives are very easy to come by; surprising considering the 100 coin / life conversion ratio is lacking. Following in the footsteps of the original Super Mario Land, Super Mario Land 2 carried over the bonus game, now tradition, upon level victory. You've got to ring a bell to guarantee eligibility, but that's the least of Mario's worries when it comes to any sort of difficulty. Nearly half of the bonus game bells are practically in Mario's preferred trajectory. Play a few bonus games, obtain a few hearts, and before you know it, Mario is hauling around a sizable trunk of donor hearts should he ever fall victim to a wee beastie or an ill-fated leap to his doom. In some respects, with perhaps the exception of Super Mario World itself, or the New Super Mario Bros. series, Super Mario Land 2 is one of the easiest games to farm lives without even trying.

Another interesting quirk includes altered physics. Perhaps this isn't that phenomenal when you consider something like, say the Frog Suit in Super Mario Bros. 3 which suddenly negates Mario's swim physics, but then again, that's alteration by powerup. Super Mario Land 2, with its epic journey taking Mario into the dark unknown depths of space, alters Mario's ability without the use of aids. But is it really that odd, or unsuspected? After all, science tells us that gravity is lessened on the moon, therefore it only makes sense that Mario bounds without care across the cratered surface. It's the attention to detail that I love, but it's Mario's weird floaty behavior in The Star that makes one question the mechanic. I suppose it's not so much the general floatiness, but how it's controlled. I can't help but feel something more akin to SMB3's frog suit mechanics would have worked better. Instead, the controls lack confidence. It works when Mario is trapped in the hippo's bubble, but it just feels off in the far reaches of space.

Overall, though, the game is a blast. I loved the game as a kid when it first came out, and I still find it to be one of my favorite Mario games. Sure, the game errs on the easier end of the difficulty spectrum, but interestingly enough, for the purpose of Beat All Games, this is the first time I've ever beaten the game. Despite long car trips allowing me to soldier on through this mysterious new world, I time and again faltered upon reaching Wario's castle. For one reason or another, that level got the better of me. I think Mario's wonky jump physics and general slipperiness is to blame for the most part. I know for a fact that the fourth propeller lift on the second floor ended a majority of my attempts. Others - most likely short-lived out of stupidity. Even now, that one sprite bested me a few times, but it turned out the crushable skull platforms proved to be my bane this round. Dubious jumping be damned and carrots a godsend. Sadly, the third floor was an anticlimactic run to victory guarded by what appeared to be a rather threatening boss but turned out to be a three phase letdown when you consider those who preceded him, namely Tatanga and the Three Little Pigheads - neither of which are worthy of the term difficult; perhaps more so annoying. I think though, knowing what has come to be Wario's bag of dirty tricks, I expected more from his battle. I know it's his first appearance, but I didn't expect obesity to be the only trait traced back to his origins. Oh well.

One last note I must make. I never knew the game had an alternate Easy Mode. The game's already easy enough. Was this really necessary? I find this to be one of the most bizarre departures taken by the developers. Of course, there isn't exactly a sizable list of comparisons to draw upon - Super Mario Bros. and Super Mario Land both offered B Modes once the game was completed which equated to an extra generous helping of evil denizens for Mario's stomping pleasure. With Super Mario Land 2's Easy Mode, however, the levels become near vacuums devoid of all life. The amount of sprites stripped from the game is simply astounding, to the point where I felt foolish playing it. Stranger still, there's no options prompt letting you know such a mode exist. This can be normal in regards to harder difficulties, especially on older games where those in the know were privy to the truly challenging, but to hide away a less challenging variant is just...perplexing.

Nano-Win:

Star Maze. That is all.

Rating: 4.5 J Sons out of 5

GB - Kirby's Block Ball

Haiku-Review:

a test of patience;
trigonometric study-
blast my fucking luck!

Additional Comments:

Yep. Backlogs and such...

True, Kirby's Block Ball has been on the same backlog that's occupied much of 2014's victories, but I've also been playing the game off and on for quite some time. Why so long? Between the sheer test of luck, hopefully bestowed by the gaming gods, and the unforgiving Border Lines in the latter stages, this game is one agonizing take on everybody's favorite block buster, Breakout. Get it? Blockbuster? Oy vey, twas such a bad pun...

It appears Kirby has befallen the same curious quandary that has stricken the Pokémon franchise. That is to say, both series have been introduced into the world of Beat All Games with one of their odd spin-offs. Although, I will attest that I had the fortune of being formally introduced to each representative party in video game format via Super Smash Bros. Melee. Still, it's odd to complete a spin-off before one of the franchise's primary titles, though it must be said my first encounter with Kirby outside of SSBM was playing through a few levels in Kirby's Dream Land 3 some years back on an emulator. Sadly, my experience was negatively impacted by ZSNES's shitty coding and it's inability to properly render the translucent effects on layer 3. Yet my first Pokémon experience outside of SSBM? Pokémon Snap. o_O

I can't really explain why I've overlooked the Kirby franchise for so long - and still have. It's a brilliant platformer series. But there you have it. So what's so special about Kirby's Block Ball that it managed to break my mold of neglect? To be honest, it's an odd story stemming from my SMW hacking days. When the ability to add custom music was first introduced, one of SMW's hacking elite, FPI, ported some of the first custom tracks available and one of the tracks was a delightful port of Kirby's Block Ball's Stage 1 Theme. It's so jaunty - the song immediately grabbed me and from that point forward I always wanted to play the game from which it was sourced. Very rarely has a song led me to the desire of tracking down the original game. Then again, most video game tracks I wholeheartedly enjoy come from games I'm familiar with. Kirby's Block Ball, other than being yet another entrant in the Kirby universe, was pure conjecture on my part regarding game style. For the longest time, I kept confusing it with Kirby's Dream Course and was rather surprised when I found out it was a Breakout clone - and not pleasantly at that as I'm not a huge fan of the ball and paddle block buster.

Finally tracked down a copy of the game in a local store only to have my hopes dashed when I found out the battery was dead. Ugh! Why does it seem that battery replacement has become a common theme as of late? A short soldering session later, and away I go. Like I said, I'm not the biggest fan of Breakout - it's ok, but it's a little too steeped in luck for my liking. Fortunately, Kirby's Block Ball adds a number of interesting gimmicks and strategic nuances. Utilizing certain abilities, such as stone or needle, the gameplay is greatly enhanced and strategy easily overcomes luck as a mechanical priority, especially when trying to achieve some of those deviously high Border Lines in the latter stages. Still, luck plays a major role when attempting to clear a swathe of through blocks in hopes of acquiring maximum bonus potential, hopefully pushing the point's total withing 50k before squaring off with a stage's given boss.

On my initial run, I gave little to no heed to the Border Lines; thinking them to be nothing more than bragging rights. Little did I realize they were required achievements in order to meet Dedede in a final showdown. This information came after a few weeks of on and off play. A shame really, though in the past couple of years I've been pretty adamant about making sure I get manuals with any purchased games of yesteryear. Therefore, since I lacked the appropriate information on my original playthough, I enjoyed the game for what it is: a delightful re-imagining of Breakout. The overall experience felt so casual - in a way mirroring my interpretation of Kirby games in general. I took my time with the game, allowing myself to soak in the abundant gaiety throughout. Even the boss fights rang of cheerful exuberance as Kirby bounced from one side of the arena to the other. And I was given free reign to experiment with Kirby's various abilities at my leisure, impacting by appreciation for this new mechanical twist melding the world of Kirby and...er, brightly colored blocks, or as the Game Boy would present it: four shades of green. Sigh.

But wait, I must clear those contemptible Border Lines if I'm to open up Stage 11 and finish the game properly. It was time to shelve my casual play. Maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on devilish tricks when it comes to outshining the required scores as the first five or six stages played fairly equivalent to my original run. While the early stages necessitated bonus rounds à la through block accumulation just as much as the latter stages, there was minimal reliance on pure luck. I felt relatively in control of Kirby's trajectories through the early stages, especially if I had the stone ability. The latter stages, even with needle's ability to more or less reset Kirby's point of origin, caused rampant hair pulling as luck became more invasive in my game play tactics. Stage 9 proved to be a nightmare as its lone bonus chance fell on deaf ears, er, hands. Whereas the early stages offered appropriate amounts of wiggle room, Stage 9 pulled the net from under you. Then again, we're talking about one of the final stages so it should only be expected, but it felt like there was a dramatic shift from Stage 8 whereas prior there was a gradual increase in difficulty requiring Kirby's various abilities to garner as many points as possible before facing the boss. Still, it wouldn't be a point of focus if Stage 11 wasn't so easy to attain Border Line status in comparison. On my first run through Stage 11, I managed to come up just shy of the Border Line by a measly thousand points. Stage 9, however, took a fair share of attempts to masterfully complete thanks to its dreadfully annoying bonus run, of which there was only one and was damn near impossible to muster a halfway decent score on - rather similar to the shitstorm disguised as a cleverly designed bonus round in Stage 3-2. At least they had the courtesy to offer multiple options for obtaining some of those much needed points elsewhere throughout Stage 3.

Overall, I found the game enjoyable, but not exactly entertaining enough to ever return. Perhaps in my younger days while playing Game Boy on long car trips, as I did, I'd probably have the will to return, but in today's world of gaming, Kirby's Block Ball has its own certain unique charm, but that's about it. Sure, the game further develops the basic Pong-like block busting relay into a vast assortment of interesting, and at times, frustrating arenas, but now that I'm done; looking at the game as a whole...? Well, it's Breakout, but so much more, yet...somehow muddled as though the core fundamentals of the original game got swept up in the ether. In fact, even the paddle physics seem to have gotten lost in translation as the ability to judge a desired angle is purely speculative. Every time I thought I understood that frustrating bar of trigonometric evil, it suddenly defied all logic. Essentially, what it all comes down to is that I had very little confidence in the game's physics. I'd blame my lack of confidence on the controls, as they were a bit dodgy themselves, but I really think the misunderstanding of basic angular theorem is at fault. And the only reason I bring it up is on the few versions of Breakout that I have played over the years, I've always felt confident with the ball's rebound direction - at least far more confident than I felt here. Perhaps if the game better instilled a sense of confidence in its workings, I'd have no reason to fault anything - even when the game was at its worst regarding its luck-based endeavors.

Still, Kirby's Block Ball is a decent time waster and offers enough enjoyment as a casual play. Anything more, however, just isn't worth the trouble. Great music though!

Nano-Rant:

I've already mentioned Stage 3-2 and its ridiculous bonus setup, though the whole stage is of horrid design. Already having to rely on capricious angle physics, trying to get Kirby inside either of the two shelving units is a test of patience - and a lot of it. But worse still is Stage 11-5. Who designed this bullshit stage!? I may have spent upwards of twenty or thirty minutes both times I played the area because of those stupid crevices off to either side that are damn near impossible to enter thanks to the long overhangs of solid blocks. If there was ever an act of futility, this is it.  11-5 exemplifies Kirby's Block Ball's wish to be nothing more than a game of chance. Strategy? What strategy? It's not a frustrating stage like 3-2 or 9-3 - two stages whose difficulty is culled mostly from their respective bonus games - but instead is a trial by utter boredom.

Rating: 2.5 apples out of 5*

*How do ya like them apples?

GB - The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

Haiku-Review:

hold on a second -
Yoshi, dog food...who's Christine?
what am I playing?

Additional Comments:

Obviously, I've been on a Zelda kick. As soon as I finished A Link to the Past, I immediately picked up Link's Awakening, which is doubly rewarding because of how similar the two games are in play style, and well, I love LTTP so why wouldn't I love this particular title? Now, I first picked this game up about a year or so ago, and the game really confused me. Never mind all the Mario references, it took me about an hour or so before I figured out how to get the sword. Huh? Add to that the misery I faced trying to deal with the second dungeon and I eventually put it down, sort of forgetting all about it. Well, as I said, after my LTTP run I couldn't help but not pick this game up again, and boy am I ever glad I did. This game totally delivers and really impressed when you think about it - we're talking about a GameBoy game here. This is one hell of a game for that little grey brick!

Playing through it the second time, I still faced slight adversity trying to get the sword - I don't know why I keep forgetting that you can push items with the shield. And sure enough Bottle Grotto immediately gave me the bird again. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was I had to do to continue past wherever it was that I kept getting stuck. But there were two things that absolutely stumped the hell out of me: obtaining the dog food and the bird. And you know what's sickening about the whole affair is how incredibly obvious both solutions were. I spent hours, even days interacting with every single thing I could find in every single way I could imagine. Seriously, I dug holes across every square inch of the land looking for solutions - especially for that damned canned item that Sale wanted. I slashed at everything I could. I picked up rocks galore and ran into just about every obstacle I could find. Why can't I just grab the bananas straight off the crate, or better yet, knock some out of the tree? Just what is the purpose of that monkey next to Sale's house? For the longest time, I though he might be part of the key. Arrghhh!!!!

Ok, ok, so Link has access to a wizened old coot, Ulrira, via telephone who likes to drop hints. While the hints seem incredibly blatant regarding your next move, they couldn't be further from the truth. It's amazing, given how obvious they are in context, they are actually of little help. At first I questioned the developers decision to put in what can essentially be regarded as a hint and/or cheat guide, but in the end, he's nothing more than a nuisance stating what we already know. Eh, I guess he's helpful in some circumstances. After all, if it wasn't for him, I would have never tried to hunt down a can of dog food so I can obtain a bunch of bananas. Wait, this is a Zelda game, right? Why am I performing such arbitrary tasks? It's like I'm given a grocery list: dog food - check, bananas - check, a new broom - ugh. What happened to good old action adventure?

This game definitely made me scratch my head at times. So yes, for some reason, there's a long succession of trades that must be made in this game. What better may to enliven an already proven game design than with an endless chore of fetch quests? Seriously, why does this exist? I probably wouldn't mind the whole ordeal if it wasn't so pivotal to the primary story line - looking at you mermaid scale and bananas. As a side quest for perhaps a leveled item or even something like the boomerang, whatever, but with the ultimate goal being the directions through the Wind Fish's egg, I've got to question it. Now don't take all this the wrong way, it's not bad. It's just, rather tedious and seems a bit out of character for a Zelda game. Yes, I know fetch quests exist in Zelda games, but to this extent? This is stretching it a bit if you ask me.

Enough bickering about the trading game, although I will say it really helped me to test the extreme limitations of the overworld. Much like Link to the Past, the overworld is cleverly built - seemingly designed with both obstacle and required item to overcome said obstacle constantly on the designer's mind. And while the overworld proved frustrating at times, I found myself really enjoying the overall layout. If I had to nitpick anything, it would be some of the harder obstacles that you couldn't overcome until very late in the game that led to treasure rooms that only contained a multiplied rupee. For being as late in the game as it was, it came across as a disappointing treasure. Other than having to purchase some bomb replenishment every now and then, once the shovel and/or bow is bought, the store is, well...useless. And if you can manage to steal the bow, then the store is even more useless.

Overall, Link's Awakening was fantastic. It really surprised me. Honestly, a GameBoy Zelda game - I didn't have the highest of hopes the first time I had picked up the game. This time through, I was aware of its LTTP similarities, so I expected to at least get some satisfaction out of it, but I still didn't imagine it was going to be this enjoyable. Quirkiness aside - shout outs to the Mario-verse, the fetch quest trading game, other oddities - the game is pure Zelda through and through, well at least in the form of mechanics, and really made its mark in regards to what the GameBoy was capable of producing. Another quirk worth mentioning: the music. First of all, this game has some brilliant music, especially Mysterious Forest, but there's something about it that sounds so out of place for a Zelda game. It's reminiscent of the Earth Area (Day) theme from Drakkhen - you can't help but groove while listening to it, but you also can't escape that giant question mark floating just over your head. Other great tunes include Face Shrine, Southern Shrine, or even just the basic House tune. Yet even as fitting as these songs are to the adventure, they too are just an odd curio in the full scope of the Zelda universe.

But there's one final peculiarity that I must investigate. I was chatting with a friend of mine about the game, explaining its similarities to Link to the Past. Well, similar, yet wholly different. There's a noticeable absence of some very important elements: Ganon, the Triforce and heck...Zelda! So, how is it a Zelda game, I was asked. I think what I really liked about this game is that it didn't fall into the same old trap of most Zelda games. It took familiar ideas and mechanics and wrapped it around a whole new story enveloped within a [spoilers]dreamscape[/spoilers] which I think is brilliant. There was something about this game that reminded me a lot of Wind Waker in that it was a completely fresh approach to a Zelda game. Sure, the basic mechanics were akin to LTTP, but the game on a macro scale felt wholly different. I think if it held true to form and more or less was nothing but a LTTP clone, both in mechanics and story, the game would be nothing more than an advancement of play for those who truly enjoy LTTP as opposed to a game unto its own. Although, yea, it is a bit weird that the fundamentals of a Zelda game are lost somewhere on the cutting floor.

Nano-Rant:

Now then, let me talk about items. And to properly talk about items, I must talk about the Nightmare. While I faced a dubious amount of untimely deaths against the final boss, I place most of the blame on item guesswork as opposed to the creature's immediate threat. The boss itself, other than Dethl's form, was a breeze - well, once you figured out what items each form required. Fortunately, some were easy, such as Agahnim's form, other's not so much, such as Ganon's form. I pretty much fell into a pattern with this boss: try item, failure, try item, failure, try item, failure, death. Rinse and repeat, except after a few deaths I'd eventually find the right item; after which I could move on to the next form and start the whole cycle all over again.

But of all the forms, there's really only two that tripped me up: Ganon's and Dethl's. Why I didn't see the Pegasus Boots as a form of attack is beyond me. But Dethl - what a total dick! I spent an exuberant amount of time throwing everything I had at this bastard, and what pisses me off the most is that both the boomerang and arrows were the first two items I tried, since they weren't used up until this point throughout Nightmare's battle. But they were both reflected because the weapon to eye contact was a frame too early or late - the eye was considered half closed. As a result, I figured that neither weapon was meant for the job and moved on. What the hell, nothing worked! Many deaths were had and much swearing ensued. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how much bullshit his revolving arms manage to create. They are a total nightmare to avoid.

Anyways, after an hour of item testing, I finally inflicted pain with a lone arrow. Huzzah!  Twenty arrows later and the game came to an end. What really frustrates me though is that I could have taken him down with one solitary flick of the boomerang, but I didn't think it worked because the goddamn eye was considered to be half closed. Goddammit!!

Which speaking of, why is the boomerang so damn powerful!? Holy crap! Isn't the point of the boomerang to stun?

Rating: 4.5 cans of dog food out of 5

GB - The Ren & Stimpy Show: Space Cadet Adventures

Haiku-Review:

what the hell is that?
is it going to hurt me?
can I jump on it?

Additional Comments:

Having owned this as a kid, I remember playing it quite a bit - or attempting to play it at least. Good grief, this game is balls hard. It was way back when, and it still is today. Now, other than the title screen and opening cut scenes, I remember almost nothing of this game. I thought I did, but as it turns out, I don't. So what the hell game was I thinking of, I wonder - some other ludicrously hard platformer where you're jumping over indestructible alien lifeforms I guess. About ten minutes into playing the game, I began to wonder if I was even playing the right game. Well, I think I can attribute my lack of memory regarding this game to some of its key issues.

First off, ninety percent of this game is made up of stuff that my haiku rightly described. I understand we're talking about a four-toned title on the GameBoy, but come on. That is one of the biggest problems with this game. There were a couple points where I didn't know what to do because I didn't realize that that wall was not really a wall but just a part of the background design or that you could stand on door/window frames. And what about all the stuff that can hurt you?. Basically, if an object has animation, not just movement but a palette animation as well, you're going to lose health. And by god, the shit's all over the place. This game is more about precision jumping in far more circumstances than necessary.

My next issue is that the levels are too damn long. I'm all for long levels, but the designers have to do them up right - packing as much fun and entertainment out of them as they can every step of the way. Here, it's nothing but waves of infantile level design and rampant aggravation, especially since I'm constantly trying to figure out what sort of interaction an object should have on the fly. Also, this particular issue of length is what really wracks my brain regarding my personal memories of the game. All these years I always thought the spaceship held the entirety of the game with each room being its own level. There's three more fucking levels of this crap!!

I suppose I should be thankful there are no bosses in this game, as if you'd be able to hit them anyways. Yea, off all the enemies in the game, I think there's only about six different sprites that are actually killable. What a joke. Anyway, in lieu of end-level bosses, you have a timed section in which you must reach Ren, Stimpy or, in the case of the second level, a ladder. I say take the easy road - if you have full health, just let the shit hit you. Trust me, it's a lot less painful. Besides, you're health refills upon each new level.

I guess if there's any grace from this game, it's watching Ren slap Stimpy repeatedly during the end cut scene. What a stupid ending. But then, it somehow reeks of good ol' Ren & Stimpy, so I guess it's only appropriate.

Nano-Rant: (Haven't had one of these in a while):

I still can't get over the fact that I never even beat the first level as a kid. Fuck, this game is hard!!

PS, the music sucks.

Rating: 1.5 Powdered Toast slices out of 5

GB - Super Mario Land

Haiku-Review:

by submarine and
airplane to rescue...Daisy?
but shhh...don't tell Peach

Additional Comments:

Always a personal favorite in the Mario catalog due to its bizarre uniqueness, yet still familiar due to very similar gameplay like that of SMB1.  It's almost as though this was a more fitting sequel than both SMB2 and/or SMB2J (read The Lost Levels) ever was.  I think more than anything, it was just cool seeing all of the enemies carry their original Japanese names instead of suffering through some dire translation, although I always wondered what was up with Chicken.

...and here's two final thoughts to share.
1. Muda had some great music.  Well, really the whole game had pretty great music.
2. This game also spawned, in my opinion, she whom eventually came to be the more attractive of the two princesses in Mario's life. And don't tell me you've never thought about which princess reigns supreme. So there...

Rating: 3.5 Chicken's out of 5