SNES - A Super Mario Thing

Haiku-Review:

the mantras of Rao-
spake thee of equines...Viva!
La Revolución!

Additional Comments:

I believe this was one of the last, if not the last game I completed before I started Beat All Games. Doesn't count.... Damn!

Where to begin on this madness. I've always felt like ASMT is the Rolling Stones to SMWCP's Beatles - raw, drunken rock 'n roll that appears to be going nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. Quite possibly, ASMT is nothing more than a group of hoodlums mashing together a giant maelstrom of creativity. Trying to wrap your head around some of the abstract reconstructions of simple platforming is no better than trying to make sense of the bizarre guitar riffs and drumming techniques used by the Stones. Their music is so simple yet so baffling, exactly as it is with this game, er hack. I suppose the same could be said for any of the other initial entries among the various community hacks, but they've never felt as creatively rambunctious as Talkhaus' budding candidate.

For those outside the know, A Super Mario Thing, or ASMT, is exactly that - in the words of Raocow - a thing. There's really no better way to describe it. But if I've got to knuckle down and spell it out, it's yet another community hack of everyone's favorite SNES game, Super Mario World. Much like SMWCP or the various VIP and Walls, ASMT is a full blown reinvention of the wheel; in this case 'the wheel' being Super Mario World. Everything from basic Mario platforming to outrunning Gutsdozer to facing off against a danmakufu inspired Touhou boss and ducking a runaway subway can be found within. However, there's a catch. Mario's nowhere to be found. Neither are any of the known fauna of Dinosaur Land, or heck, the Mushroom Kingdom. Well, that's not entirely true. There are a few known miscreants thrown in there; most importantly the Yoshis and the various Chucks, er Charlies. But then their essential given the game is based on Raocow lore as opposed to Mario lore. In many respects, that may be the hardest pill to swallow of all - the fact that there is enough Raocow lore spat out from his endless gaming non sequiturs on YouTube or elsewhere that an entire game can be crafted. And unfortunately, if you're unfamiliar with Raocowology, as the game puts it, absolutely everything will either fly right over your head or sound like nothing more than a bunch of verbose and/or ill-written cheese.

Despite not being part of Something Awful, Talkhaus, or any other corner of the net Raocow may inhabit, I've seen enough of his stuff on YouTube to understand the silliness that is Raocow lore. It is that lore which has set the foundation for ASMT, and I find there is one defining aspect that is the glue that holds it all together: nonsense. Pure and simple nonsense - but not in a Dadaist aspect or a Pythonesque aspect even, but in his own fantastical realm of perverse gobbledygook. And so we have ASMT, and Demo, an alien cyclops on her quest to obtain vegetables for her impatient overlord only to find herself deep in the turmoil of war between dinosaur and footballer. We will trek across plains, through forests, deserts, monochrome chalk drawings, abstract tapestries of color, and Kanji-shaped structures the size of mountains. It all sounds perfectly reasonable. Wait, how did we get from Mario to this?

As far as collab hacks go, ASMT is my favorite based on creative out-of-the-box thinking but struggles to retain such laurels as emulation tools become a de facto necessity throughout. While the difficulty easily cripples the game from shining as a perfect gem, a majority of the levels are a marvel to experience. However, I can only point towards the innovation within the levels, but not the level design itself, which unfortunately suffers from a lot of claustrophobia, pixel perfect jumps, and flat out unfair setups. With each successive level, it's a guessing game as to what the next gimmick may be, and nearly everything taken from Super Mario World is open to interpretation. Of course, some ideas may have been brilliant on paper but somehow translated poorly. An Echoing Call comes to mind - love the idea, and rather like the look of the level, but the overall cramped conditions defeat the novel approach to precise physics. Not to mention, after the hundredth time being interrupted mid-jump by that stupid speaker box, the level loses all its charm.

Interestingly, the first time I played the game, I loved it, though I was incredibly frustrated at times - especially the Yoshi h4xor area in the final level that rings reminiscent of Rampage, not to mention various puzzles throughout the desert world. It was one of those games that after finishing it, I could only breathe easy that it was finally done. Whereas something like Kaizo Mario squeezed all of its frustration and agony into a few short levels, ASMT spread it out across a whole game and refused to let up. Still, my lasting memories of the game were high which more than anything drove me to return for inclusion in Beat All Games. I regret my decision markedly.

While I knew attempting the game toolless was a venture in futility, I had to know how far I could manage. Not very. What a pathetic player I am. But seriously, while I hate abusing tools in emulated play, I feel no remorse using tools on ASMT as nearly 100% of the level design is asinine when it comes to balancing appropriate difficulty. It's flat out stupid at times. But I think a lot of the difficulty could have been more than acceptable if the game made use of more checkpoints. Only issue is I'm fairly certain the ability to set up multiple checkpoints wasn't available at the time, so not exactly an option.

To say I regret my decision markedly may be a tad harsh though, or at least misconstrued. Yes, the level of frustration throughout the game is through the roof, even with tool abuse. But it's the Dark Cloud or Faxandu syndrome all over again. My original experience appears to have been exaggerated by time. Levels I once thought were fun quickly became strolls down abominable lane. More often than not, as I entered a level, I was suddenly smacked with the realization of, 'Oh crap! This level." I had to mentally prepare myself for certain levels. Levels like Overly Hot Beach, CURRENTS, Over There..., and Trial of Iron, especially the Gutsdozer room and the h4xor room sapped all of my mental energy. Seriously, fuck those two rooms in Trial of Iron! I had to question how I ever managed them in the first place.

It's next to impossible to argue the difficulty in this game, however, I believe I placed far more emphasis on difficulty than necessary for this playthrough. Since I always include dragon coin collecting in my SMW 100% stipulations, the challenge of completing the game is definitely increased. Compared to my first playthrough, I know there were several levels that turned up the heat once dragon coins were involved. That's still not to say my abusive use of tools would have subsided had I decided to neglect the quintuple set of tokens spread throughout each level.

I don't think it's worth discussing any of the music at length as a majority of it is ported from other games. However, the music choices are phenomenal and is definitely one of the highlights of the game. Something I do want to point out though is two "jokes" that really ruined the tone of the game. First, the Cat Planet paroxysm - I get it, I understand why it's there, but it serves no purpose. As far as so-called easter eggs pointing out Raocow themed folklore, his overjoyed excitability regarding Cat Planet just seems so out of place. Maybe it's just me. Probably is.

Nano-Rant:

But wait, didn't you say there were two disconcerting jokes? Ah yes, so I did.

The second "joke" is one of those eye-rolling moments - no, it's more than that. It's one of those moments that made me think the maturity level in this game just dipped below the lowest of the lows. It's the type of moment that makes you question if it's even worth playing any more as you have no desire to support such juvenile idiocy used purely for a cheap laugh. Why, oh why, is there a blatant drug joke? Why? ...? I'm lost for words over stupidity like this. It adds absolutely nothing to the game, especially in a game that has zero correlation to said joke to begin with. I'm...fuckin' aghast....and that's all I can say.

Rating: 4 reasonably priced pantsuits out of 5*

*Tough to grade but creativity pushed the numbers more than anything.

PS2 - Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance II

Haiku-Review:

"The Oceanic
Urn is an aquamarine-
studded golden urn."
                         -Jherek

Additional Comments:

I can't exactly pinpoint the reasoning, but that one line spoken by Jherek has stuck with me more than any other line, or heck, anything from the entire game.  It just sounds so ridiculous - so matter a fact, so blatant. Yet his descriptions of the other artifacts never sounded so captivating; rather dull and boring. I'd rather kick my feet through the dust in hopeless lethargy than quest for the Orb of Thunder, Jade Octahedron, or Brazier of Eternal Flame, but speak the legends of the Oceanic Urn....

Anyway-

Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance II is yet another title that's been on my backlog of games started and then pushed under the rug for several years. Unlike several games on that list, Dark Alliance II's shelving was both voluntary and legitimate. One of the first games I decided to tackle during Beat All Game's infancy, due to personal enjoyment, and well, I had never beaten the game before, though I came damn close. However, shortly after plowing through Easy and about a third of Normal, I finally came across a copy of the first game, Dark Alliance. It was only natural I play the games in order, as I try to do as best I can, when I can. The original plan was to jump into the sequel once Dark Alliance was done, but unfortunately for the series, the lovable Katamari series beguiled me with it's overtly quirky charm. And so the years rolled on. But as my PS2 collection grows, and I find myself antsy to play some new and truly intriguing titles that have found their way into my hands, I feel I should dust off some of the lingering unfinished titles first.

As a long time fan of Dungeons & Dragons, I was always fascinated by D&D licensed games, yet was far too skeptical about their overall fun factor. Knowing the world of D&D to be enshrouded by cheesy, cliché drivel, I was overpowered with the idea that all D&D related games would be a horrible programming mess and as such avoided them at all costs. I can't exactly describe what I expected these games to be, other than hours of butthurt and fantasy abortions, but I think Advance Dungeons & Dragons: Heroes of the Lance for the NES sums up my original uneducated guess as to what these games were all about.

Some time in early 2005, I found myself searching for a new game - something in either the RPG or hack n' slash category. Sadly, I found myself distanced from video games in general and no longer knew what the latest and greatest titles were; what was recommended and/or favored. A still lingering feeling of D&D equals gaming misery filled my thoughts, but for $20? Fuck it, let's give it a shot!

Deeply enthralled and amazed by the attention to detail regarding the Realms, its monsters and locales, I spent the next several nights killing baddies, retrieving artifacts and exploring extra-planar locations. I think my trips into the planes of Air, Earth, Fire and Water floored me more than anything despite finding the four areas to be rather lacking compared to other areas of the game. Still, I'm exploring the elemental planes! Are you shitting me? Why have I been so afraid to dive into a D&D title all these years? Is this what I've been missing? But then (Oh no! Spoilers ahead!), Randalla Brasshorn. What a bitch. She brought the game to a screeching halt. And so it stayed, unfinished, for so many years.

Thanks to the advent of Beat All Games, I finally returned to the game and finished it. Due to the rather long gap between finishing Easy and finishing the rest of the game, I no longer have any recollection of just how easy Easy is, so there's not much to say there. However, unlike the first game where Hard and Extreme felt like cake walks once certain items were acquired, Dark Alliance II really turned up the wick when it came to difficulty. In many respects, I enjoyed this - it no longer belittled the idea of difficulty. But in others, I found the way difficulty was handled to be frustrating and highly unbalanced. Extreme was by far the most unbalanced. The progression of difficulty was neither linear nor exponential but instead some sort of bizarre jagged line like the output from a seismic graph. Easy levels would be followed by even easier levels, only to be followed by hellish attempts at pure survival tactics, levels interspersed with one-hit magnates and glass tanks; again with the cakewalks through gumdrop lane, and merciless bouts of tactical merry-go-rounds as seen in the first game. What's worse is the unbalancing was no better than a blind guess as to what monsters would deliver pure evil compared to those who are merely an inconvenience - not so much in the idea that monster x should be more powerful than monster y, but based on the lesser difficulties and knowing what levels were combat hotspots, certain monsters seemed to diverge from their initial comparative difficulties. A few particular creatures of note who seemed to err on the side of weakness are trolls, bullywugs and ettins. I don't know. Maybe based on who I was using and perhaps knowing their strategies bent my perception, but then again certain creatures, namely those weird jellyfish/octopus things in the Plane of Water jumped through the roof in regards to difficulty. Seriously, what are those things? I'm pretty well versed on D&D creatures, but don't recollect seeing anything comparable in any of the Monstrous Compendiums. I'd wager they're some sort of elemental, but seems unlikely. Eh...

I think difficulty could have been better handled via populations instead of buffing all the monsters with damage multipliers. I'm not even sure if HP, AC and/or THAC0 was adjusted on anything. Though it was certainly apparent damage was upgraded by leaps and bounds. Outside of platformers, one-hit kills are completely uncalled for and the last few areas seem to run rampant with monsters possessing such power. Of course, if I bothered to use the workshop, I'm sure Extreme's difficulty would be akin to Extreme mode in the original game: a breeze. But as I've said before, in games that offer oodles of weaponry as treasure, including those with desirable magical abilities, I always forgo the shopping experience in favor of self-imposed challenges. Without spending a fortune that even Scooge McDuck would envy enchanting some +24 Ring of Fire or other such nonsense, you can still acquire some pretty amazing items throughout the game, especially in Extreme mode.

Interestingly, I attempted a few enchantments as I found my back against the wall once again when it came to Randalla à la Extreme. None of them worked. None of them and I tried a variety of weapons, armor, and rings. I easily dropped a cool half a mil trying out a variety of magical items. In the end, I retained my millions and defeated her with my original set of weapons - using stupid 'here we go round the mulberry bush' tactics. Dumb! If there's any consolation, it's that I finally remembered how she managed to grief me so bad back in 2005. I was wondering why I struggled with her so much as I found her to be just another easy boss up through Hard mode. Extreme jogged my memory and nearly defeated completion. Mordoc nearly accomplished the same feat though I was on to his circular stupidity after a couple rounds resulting in a hero's death. Fortunately, out of all the monsters in game, these two bosses were the only creatures that seemed to befall this irritating lack of combat intelligence that dominated the original Dark Alliance, and it only popped up in Extreme.

In comparison to the first title, there's obvious pros and cons with Dark Alliance II. The inclusion of a world map is greatly appreciated as it helps put a 'name to the face' if you will of the Western Heartlands, despite my deep-rooted knowledge of the area to begin with. It creates further interest in the locales and helps drive the story, even if the map interaction is negligible.

Other benefits include the workshop function, albeit I've never used it outside of the varying experiments surrounding my battle against Randalla. However, I see the merit in having it. One such benefit is reducing the likelihood of powerful magical items appearing as randomized treasure. Sure, they're still present, but not like the first game where you could be gifted a...what sort of preposterous item did I list? Oh yea, a Flaming Burst Adamantine Long Sword of Wounding +5. You'll be lucky to pluck up a +3 anything among the forgotten hordes of treasures littered across the lands here. It's a step in the right direction, and for that, I'm grateful. I know it sounds ridiculous to deride the idea of loot in any form, but it belittles the balance between in-game entrepreneurship, especially in regards to wide-eyed dwarven smiths running fanciful magic workshops, and free loot. There's a problem when every cache equates to a dragon's horde. Ok, maybe that's over-exaggeration, but at times, given the awards, this is what it feels like. Of course, particular treasure caches should hold great wonders, but not every instance within the game world. It makes you wonder, who's mass producing magical weapons and flooding the market to begin with?

One of the game's failings, however, is the way it begins to lose momentum as it progresses. The first chapter is wrought with thoroughly fleshed out ideas and dungeons in comparison to the latter half of the game. While the second chapter holds its own just fine, though it doesn't quite carry the complexity of intricately linked dungeon systems found in the preceding chapter, it's worlds ahead of the weak planar offerings found in the third. Even the excitement of monster variety seemed to dwindle, and compared to the first game, the whole database of monsters felt lackluster at best. Don't get me wrong, when I first played this game in 2005, I was floored to see the great denizens of Toril come to life. However, after playing the first game where such interesting creatures such as displacer beasts or a dreaded beholder dwell, some of the newly recruited beasts garner nothing better than bored yawns - troglodytes anyone? On the other side of the coin, I prized the bullywug's inclusion. Come on, bipedal frogs? They're just so...goofy. Besides, where else can you get some proper names utilizing a barrage of 'b's and 'p's? Ah! My mind now wanders to that of Bubblegloop Swamp.

As far as music goes; much like the first one, it's mostly a lot of atmospherics and the music that does exist is nothing special to speak of. They work in the context provided, but there's nothing in there that I'll find myself casually humming. Although, the track I pointed out from the first title made a return appearance and I still have that stupid little melody stuck in my head along with Kip's ode to technology. Meh.

Nano-Rant:

Name be damned, I actually have a couple issues, though one's on the lighthearted side, pulling jabs at a rather comedic aspect that's notably present in a lot of games but really seems to take center stage here. The other point, well, it was unfortunately one of my initial arguments against the design of the first game too.

1: Laughable Architecture
Most, if not all, games are meant to be digested with a grain of salt - their design at least. Out there in the gaming world is a multitude of games where reality as we know it is bent beyond reason and we are expected to suspend all belief. I admit, in recent years, this isn't so much the reality of game design anymore. However, in Dark Alliance II, you really need to let loose of any preconceived notions of what may pass for believable architecture. Both Bloodmire manor and Firewind manor are absurd in their design. The impossibility alone is enough to spark an endless tirade of WTF's, but then you start thinking about the actual floorplan. What sort of maniac designed these buildings? Perhaps Bloodmire manor is really the Winchester Mystery House in disguise. Hmm, now that I think of it, the maddening labyrinthine design isn't so far-fetched.

2: Superfluous Accolades
Once again, a game that offers awards after everything is said and done in hopes to prolong the game's lifespan in the form of Artemis Entreri. First off, and I'm not sure if it's sad to admit or in my best interest to lack this knowledge, but I don't know who Artemis is. But that's besides the point. Much like the first game, by the time I unlocked this secret character, I've completely burned myself out on the game and have zero desire to return. Frankly, that sucks because I'd like to see what Artemis is on about, but there you have it, much like Drizzt in the first game, although at least they afforded the ability to play as Drizzt during the gauntlet mode. I hate when games do this because it makes the replayability feel forced. Replayability should come natural based on the actual fun of the game. For instance, one thing I liked about Dark Alliance II over the original is that it offered five characters instead of three to not only broaden the player's options but to enhance replayability. Unfortunately, I had to forego two of the five characters: Vhaidra and Borador, as I had no intention to repeat any of the difficulties just to give either of them a go. But after trudging through the tedium of extreme mode, yea I suppose a worthy award is warranted, but I've also lost all interest in the game now...so what's the point? Not hating, still love the game - just properly annoyed.

Rating: 4.5 Oceanic Urns, that is to say, aquamarine-studded golden urns out of 5