XBLA - Monday Night Combat

Haiku Review:

Gladiators meets
NBA basketball meets
Team Fortress 2...Yes.

Additional Comments:

So I'm at my friend's house, we're eating pizza and playing some videogames, when he asks me if I'd heard of MNC. He tells me a brief rundown of what it's all about, and, in theory, it sounds amazing. And as I state in the haiku review, it's exactly like that. Only with co-op. So, we download the demo to see how it plays, and we are having a blast. The co-op is engaging, the stylistic aesthetic is cool, the challenge is welcome, and the controls are decent. There's even a tower defense aspect of the game, because the main game type pits you against rushes of robots trying to overwhelm your money ball. To keep them away, you can shoot 'em, use your abilities on 'em, or buy turrets and set them up at designated spots so they can shoot 'em. We finish the one level that we were allowed to play on the demo, and we reiterate that we just have to download this game right away. So I drive home after a fun day with my friend, download the game, try my hand at playing it solo, and...I beat the entire game in twenty minutes. Apparently there's only one level to this game. Honestly, I don't know why I had such high hopes for an XBLA game. It's just a downloadable title, and if we're really honest here, we all know that they're like the retarded step-child of the gaming world. The games you really want to play all have discs and plastic boxes and cost $60 a pop (my GOD they're so expensive!).

Now, granted there are a couple other games modes here. I believe there are 3-4 total. But honestly, there's such little variety in the gameplay and level design that it might as well be the same dadgum thing. You have six characters to play with, only three of which are useful. Those being the Tank, Gunner, and Assault class. The Support is useless when playing by yourself or online (typically), the Sniper isn't very fun to play with and has a weak gun, and the Assassin has high and low points, but her health is so weak that she's not fun to play with. The presentation of this game is absolutely stellar, and that's probably the best part about this game. For a downloadable title, it is very polished in its design, and it actually took me aback when I first played it. Now, controls for a shooter are super important, and this game has decent controls, but it seemed like they just tried to cram too much into the abilities, and it seemed a little sluggish to me. The HUD is a mess and is really confusing. Also, whenever some of the enemies hit you, there's almost no indication that you're being hit. No vibration, no sound, and if I'm not mistaken, not even much of a response on the HUD. So you think you're doing great when all the sudden you randomly die without warning. The online play is a freakin' joke. The characters are WAY unbalanced, and the most popular character to play is the Gunner, and he's pretty much unstoppable. The online play has made me the maddest I think I've ever been with a game. Ever. I died so quickly and so often that it literally made me scream. And I'm talking one of those creepster, maniac, psycho screams that makes you think about going to therapy for professional help.

I've read that the creators are working on some of the issues of balancing and are adding new levels. Apparently they're going to add a couple of other things here and there and are giving away the first "expansion". I might download it. I'm still seriously pissed at this game. I almost doubt that they'll get it right. Man, I had such high hopes for this game, too. This is one game that proves that great graphics mean absolutely nothing when the gameplay has huge flaws.

Rating:  2.5 acronyms out of 5

Nano-rant:   This game owes me 1000 microsoft points.

DS - Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story

Haiku Review:  

Bowser steals the show,
Each Bro has his own button,
In a pinch, press both!

Additional Comments:

Man, I love the DS. When a game is done right on that system, it such a treat. This is definitely one of those games. This is my first Mario and Luigi title, though I'm very familiar with Mario RPG, which is its progenitor, so playing an RPG with the Bros. isn't exactly foreign to me.

First off, let me say that this is one of the best DS games that I've played. Though I can't give this game a perfect score, this game uses the DS's capabilities in really fun ways, like when you have to blow into the microphone for Bowser to blow fireballs, or when you have to turn the DS vertically in order to fight off a castle (yes, you really do!). The story is typical Mario zaniness, and it makes no sense, but it completely works because you know right away what you're getting into when you play this game. It's really about the fun factor and polish and not about the emotional resonance you get from a game like Mass Effect. I also really like that you use Bowser so much in the game. Basically what happens is that Boswer sucks up a whole town and Mario and Luigi happened to be there when he did, so you're inside Bowser's body most of the time. Most of the exploration (until later in the game) is done by Bowser, and when trouble comes along, and he can't go it alone, Mario and Luigi do something inside his body that effects some change, like making Bower super strong so he can pick up a boulder or increasing his metabolism so he can lose weight after getting fat from engorging himself.

The battle system is very fun and should be familiar to most veterans of RPGs. You basically have all the basics, just with a Mario twist. You have basic attacks (jumps), alternate attacks (hammer), special attacks, and items. And in all of these (except for items) you can do extra damage if you time the attack right and press the corresponding button on time. The enemies are really fun, and they play differently when you fight them with the Bros. or with Bowser. Each enemy has a "tell" that shows what they'll do when they attack, and you can either escape damage all together or lessen damage by timing your button press as you do in the attack options. The special attacks are really cool and are almost mini-games of a sort. The only problems I had with the special attacks was that only a couple of them seemed useful, you really get too many of them, and some of them were just way too hard to pull off.

The music in this game is awesome. I think most Mario games have awesome music, but this has some of the best Mario music around, in my opinion. A couple of my favs: Toad Town, Bumpsy Plains, Plack Beach, and Dimble Wood. I found myself humming and whistling these songs while playing--even while not playing. They're just so darn catchy.

My biggest complaint about this game is something that some will like more than me. Too me, this game was way too long for what it was. I enjoy long games (heck, right now I'm playing Fallout New Vegas!), but at 35 hours, you can only take so much Mario. Some people will obviously disagree with me on that, so it just comes down to personal taste, but to me, it seemed way too long and really dragged toward the end. The other thing is that there really is no need to find everything in this game. The last enemy doesn't really even fight the Bros., so there's no point in finding the rare gear for them. And the last fight, though challenging, isn't a slug match with each side throwing blows at each other. Rather, it's almost a puzzle to find the perfect way to evade danger and KO the bad guy--which reminds me of Shadow of the Colossus. The other thing I wish the DS (or Wii, for that matter) had is achievments of some sort. Those always make the game more enjoyable for me, and it would be a welcome gimmick for Nintendo.

Rating:  4 mushrooms out of 5

GG - The Lucky Dime Caper Starring Donald Duck

Haiku-Review:

a Lucky Dime crime
pens a tale of wanderlust
for a pantsless duck

Additional Comments:

There's very little to say about this game. Basically, what appears to be Sega's dumbed-downed version of DuckTales, this game is nothing more than a basic platformer that can easily kill an hour or two. It certainly isn't a spectacular game in any account, but it's not the worst platformer out there either. It's just a mildly okay 8-bit platformer using the same old tricks and gimmicks seen elsewhere.

A rather peculiar quirk in the game, which kept me guessing, was that one of the BGM's had a strange beeping sound that would show up every now and then. It sounded so much like a timer countdown that I either expected a Time-Up or something to suddenly explode. Now, from what I understand, the SMS version of the game has a timer for all of the levels except for Stage 1, however, the timer is absent in the Game Gear version - which definitely allows for better analyzation of each new obstacle. So I knew there was no timer to worry about, but it still confused me. Even late in the game when that particular BGM popped up, I still expected the worst. What a bizarre composition.

I also have a sneaking suspicion, based on what I've read, that the SMS version allows for two way level scrolling whereas the Game Gear version is restricted to one way level scrolling à la SMB. Not necessarily an issue, but the way some of the later levels are set up, allowing for exploration, it would definitely be a nice feature to have. I guess it's a fair trade-off though: disabling the timer, but suffering a locked level scroll. Oh well....

Rating: 2.5 dimes out of 5

Happy 25th NES!!!

On this day, 25 years ago, the greatest device to hit the video game market was introduced to a small, limited market in New York City. Although, technically, the Famicon was released in '83, it wasn't until June of '85 when North America got its first glimpse of the system and October 18th when we could first get our hands on one. And so, a tip of the hat to what is still my favorite video gaming console of all time.

Myself, I was first introduced to the system sometime in late '87 or early '88, if I recall correctly, through my cousins. I was completely blown away, being introduced to titles like Super Mario Bros and Rad Racer. And if my dates are correct, I would have gotten my system in the autumn of '88, and I still remember hooking it up to a tiny little TV stashed in the corner of my room and playing Super Mario Bros for the first time on my own system. Such wonderful memories....

Now, for the NES's 25th, I thought I'd list my 25 favorite games. These are games that, for me, hold incredible replay value and through the years have been just as fun and exciting to play as the first time I played them.

25. Double Dragon II: The Revenge
24. Tecmo Bowl
23. Little Nemo: The Dream Master
22. Battletoads
21. Dr. Mario
20. Super Dodge Ball
19. Excitebike
18. Mega Man 4
17. Spy Hunter
16. Contra
15. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
14. Legend of Zelda
13. Super Mario Bros. 2
12. Batman
11. StarTropics
10. Final Fantasy
9. Milon's Secret Castle
8. DuckTales
7. Mega Man 2
6. Micro Machines
5. Faxanadu
4. Gauntlet
3. Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers
2. Mega Man 3
1. Super Mario Bros. 3

PS3 - Killzone 2

Haiku Review:

Where are we? Helghan. 
What do we do? Kill Helghast.
Is that it? Uh...yeah.

Additional Comments/Flame War Rant:

I actually beat this game some time ago, but I thought it would be a good idea to put it on here since it's still fresh in my mind, for one, and also to show that I don't only play Xbox 360 games. Here at Beat All Games, we're really system agnostic. We really don't care about the flame wars over which system is better or not, because there's no point in arguing since every system is awesome in its own way. I may have a personal preference if I have to decide between having a game on the 360 or PS3, but it's only preference on petty creature comforts that I may like a little more with one system than another (e.g., controller ergonomics, friends, achievements/trophies, etc.). Rant over.

Now, I like shooters. And this was one of the most hyped-up shooters in recent years that I can think of. Did it live up to the hype? Well, yes. Mostly. First, let me say that this game looks INCREDIBLE. This is probably the best-looking game that I think I've ever played thus-far. And this game came out a few years ago! The setting and presentation of this shooter is also jaw-dropping--something dark, moody, and unique in its own right. It completely nails the setting of a bleak warzone. Really, it kind of felt like a futuristic WW2 game in some ways. The first mission is a landing on a beach front, the side you're on seems much like the Allies, the weapons even have a certain throwback to that era (even your standard default assault rifle is a lot like an American M4), and the enemies even look kind of like Nazis. But it's in the future. I think. At least...it's on another planet. So, even if it may seem like a ripoff, they completely pull it off.

The story...eh...don't buy it for the story. Buy it for the killing of Helghans. The story isn't anything new or interesting, really. It just takes you from point A to point B. And the squad that you're with are pretty unlikable guys. My friend quit playing this game for that reason alone. (Pretty strange reason, I must admit.)

The controls are a major point of contention in this game. Supposedly, the developers wanted to have a feel of weight to your character, so the controls are a little sluggish and the guy doesn't really run fast at all--kind of like he's weighed down with thirty pounds of gear. There was a pretty big outcry about this, so the developers made a patch that apparently fixed the problem, allowing you to turn the sluggishness on or off via a menu function. I tried it both ways and I honestly can't tell a difference. But I left it off just in case. Yeah, it's still pretty sluggish--not nearly as fluid as, say, Halo--but I didn't really mind. I adapted fairly quickly.

The multiplayer is decent, but I didn't fall in love with it. It had sparks of genius here and there with their class system, but you had to unlock everything and it meant that you just have to grind to get to the point where you can actually play what you want. By then you're sick of playing and don't give a crap.

But the biggest thing that I hated about this game is that most of the trophies are only attainable through multiplayer. GRRRRR. And since the multiplayer didn't blow me away, I only got about a quarter of the available trophies. And since I'm a trophy/achievement whore, I cried. Then I got ANGRY!

Rating:  3.5 Nazi helmets out of 5  (great presentation and the action is great, but the multiplayer was lacking for me, personally)

Nano-rant:

Only 25% of the effin' trophies!!!!!!!!

SMS - Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Haiku-Review:

where art thou Sonic?
for a phony I'm certain
treads this 8-bit land

Additional Comments:

I'll just come out with it then: this game is a grave disappointment! And what really tears me here is how hard it is for me to say that concerning any early Sonic platformer. After all, like I stated in the review for Sonic the Hedgehog, the Sonic series is my favorite platforming series, but this game makes me ashamed to admit so. Thankfully, the Master System games are little known. But seriously, this game feels cheap and outsourced. All the charm and imaginative use of 8-bit technology is just...absent. Whereas in the first SMS Sonic, where I delighted in venturing through the game, despite its quirky oddities and limitations; here, as soon as I hit Aqua Lake, I was really beginning to loathe the game and felt it had become nothing more than meaningless and toilsome drudgery. From the lazy design, to stiff control and almost total lack of speed, I wondered what the hell I was even playing - some sort of half-assed platformer with graphic swaps is my theory. You're not even battling Dr. Robotnik in this game (well, at least not until the very end), but instead the boss battles consist of bird eggs and a pig that looks like some sort of deformed Wolverine. What the fuck is going on here!?

Before I rant endlessly about this game, I suppose I should point out some, or what little highlights there are. There are some interesting gimmicks presented that are a step up from the first SMS title and seem to be imitating similar gimmicks found in Sonic the Hedgehog for the Genesis such as the spinning, sticky gears/discs. This game also introduces vehicles, however, they're either pointless or infuriating due to their shitty control. Although clever in concept, they should have been left out. I'd much rather have used Sonic's own speed and roll down the hills as opposed to using an uncontrollable mine cart, but that's just me. Of course, since Sonic doesn't even seem to have his trademark speed in this game, the mine cart's probably the better choice in this situation. Well, there you go, I can't even talk up the good points without laying into this game.

So what else - ah, the music. For the life of me, I don't even know what the music sounds like in this game. Ok, Underground Zone had some good music, but the rest of the game lacked the musical pizazz or "oomph" that so many early Sonic games contained. All around, this game was just depressing. Do yourself a favor and be sure to leave this game be. If you want to preserve the magic of what a Sonic platformer should be, or experience a Sonic game for the first time, steer clear of this undeserving presentation. It flat out sucks!

Nano-rant:

Fuck that pipe-maze bullshit in Scrambled Egg Zone! Also, fuck the countless occurrences of blind leaps of faith over spike-laden valleys (looking at you Green Hills Zone)!! This game has some of the worst level design I've ever seen - flat out, fuck this game!!!

Rating: 1.5 rings out of 5

PS1 - Crash Bandicoot

Haiku-Review:

a gem collecting,
box smashing cyclical route -
I missed a box? Damn!

Additional Comments:

When the Nintendo 64 first came out, I was completely unimpressed and miserably let down. Therefore, I decided to forgo the system and await the promising Sony Playstation, and still to this day, looking back, I'm glad I did. Now, I remember when I got the system, it came with a demo disc showcasing two to five minute demos of new and upcoming releases. One of the games showcased was Crash Bandicoot and from what little I was able to make of the game (a playthrough of the second level: Jungle Rollers, with gem intact - also happens to be one of my fave tunes) I was in awe. To date, it was the most impressive platformer I had ever seen. But sadly, I never came to own a copy of the game - and I don't really know why. The only reason I can possibly come up with is that I took full advantage of the fact that with the Playstation, there was finally a system that was worthy of the racing genre (which after platformers, is my second favorite gaming genre).

Anyways, here it is so many years later, and I finally got to play this game. Wow, this game is exactly what I always suspected it of being - a marvelous platformer which, despite it's interesting 3D perspectives, still contains the feel of a traditional 2D platformer. In fact, this is probably the only 3D (or technically quasi-3D) platformer that I've come across that still plays like a platformer should, without relying on tricky camera repositioning and having to put in the guesswork of lining up your character regarding strange perspective jumps - a lot of which really irked me in some of the N64 games. The levels are well designed, beautifully depicted (considering the age of the game), contain interesting gimmicks and the difficulty ramps at a nice even pace. However, everything echoes with an eerie similarity to a series I've played somewhere before. *coughDKCcough*

It's curious - when I first started up a new game I found myself looking at a map a bit reminiscent of Donkey Kong Country's map. At least, it was enough to invoke some questioning chin-rubbing. Let's investigate further, shall we: familiar jungle backdrops and rhythms, fruit collecting, hmm.... It felt as though I was playing Sony's answer to Rare's classic series. Of course, that's not to say the game can't hold its own - it certainly can, and does so in impeccable style.

I do have one question though. Why the heck is Crash tweaking so much? I'm beginning to suspect that Dr. Cortex is nothing more than a pusher running some sort of maniacal meth lab with his accomplice, Dr. Brio. No wonder Crash is so eager to get back into that castle. I don't think he was out to save Tawna after all, otherwise, why not just escape with her after a bonus round? Eh?

Rating: 4.5 boxes out of 5

NES - Milon's Secret Castle

Haiku-Review:

bubbles everywhere,
umbrellas floating skyward -
damn Maharito!

Additional Comments Rant:

Oh boy - Milon's Secret Castle. Where to begin? Well, to even begin discussing this game, I first have to address a peculiar situation I've come to notice that has cropped up over the past few years regarding the "shittiness" of various games. Now, most games commonly regarded as bad games among the gaming populace are typically bad games. However, it seems a new movement of those who are eager to point fingers in snide derision have surfaced ever since the arrival of James Rolfe's humorous videos in the guise of The Angry Video Game Nerd. Don't get me wrong, I love his videos just as much as the next guy and am a regular follower of his game-related rants - and damn, they do crack me up, but my problem doesn't lie with AVGN. It's with all of those jack-asses out there flooding various gaming forums and whatnot that can't form their own opinions on what games suck and why. So what games suck, I wonder. Mysteriously, they all seem to be games that AVGN just so happened to make a video of. Strange that a single person can have such a monopolized stranglehold on the unveiling presentation of shitty games. Stranger still, the unabashed platitude that all these blowhards spew out mercilessly happens to be the very reasons expressed in James's AVGN videos. Well I'll be a sonovabitch....

Now, I don't want to hog this entire post with my anger over internet idiots and their inability to think for themselves, but to properly express my opinions on this game, I feel I must. As far as AVGN's review of Milon's Secret Castle - I respect it, but I totally disagree with it. (To me, Milon's Secret Castle is a fantastic puzzle game, whereas AVGN condemns it as a shitty platformer.) But because his video even exists here in cyberspace, time and time again I happen across the following in various "worst game" threads: "You never know what to do. Everything is hidden. Your weapon is a crappy bubble etc etc (basically all the same rigmarole stated in AVGN's video). Wow, all I'm really getting from these posts is our new worst-game regime harshly casting judgment on a game based entirely on hearsay and the "now" popular opinion of why this game supposedly sucks. It all just makes me want to smash my head against a wall. Come up with your own fucking opinions for once!

But wait, you're just angry because people are hating on this game.

No. If people don't like this game, that's fine. But to hate it just because a popular video series included it is ignorant. And like I said, due to the content of such slanderous remarks resounding so coincidentally with AVGN's remarks, it's hard to think otherwise. Same with games like Action 52, Superman 64, Link: Faces of Evil or even (dare I mention) Plumbers Don't Wear Ties. Yea, these games look horrible, and they probably are, but you know what - I haven't played any of 'em (and I highly doubt a lot of other people have too, ok Superman 64 is most likely an exception) so I really can't state any sort of opinion one way or the other. Sure, I could throw out an opinionated perception of the game, but I just can't give an honest opinion until I've played them. So maybe these are the worst, maybe they're not. Point being, play the game before you state an opinion - and if you still don't like it, then there you go, and at least now you'll have your own reasons why (or so I hope).

Additional Comments (for realsies this time):

Enough of that, let's discuss the game. Hands down, this is one of the absolute best NES game I've ever played - so much so that if it's not in my top 5 NES games, then it's definitely in my top 10. I remember renting this game all the time as a kid. In fact, I think the only other NES game I rented more often than this was Micro Machines. The game is a terrific puzzle-based sidescroller with platforming elements and reminds me of other titles like Solomon's Key or Nail n' Scale. And I really think that's the key to this game - if you perceive it solely as an action-based platformer, then yea, I can understand why one might whine about it, but if you look at it as a puzzle game - then it's fantastic and cleverly executed.

True, everything, and I mean everything, is hidden in the most obscure, convoluted places, but to me, that's the core of the game - what possible secrets could still be out there? I think as many times as I've played this game over the years, I know there's still some stuff hidden in there that I'm not aware of. The story, though a typical "save the princess," does have an interesting lead-in, especially regarding Milon's background and the musical world of Hudson. The music itself is very typical of early NES: bouncy and rather charming. One of my favorite tunes is the Well Theme.

Anyways, for as much as I loved this game, the one thing that always disappointed me was the lack of a sequel, or so I thought for so many years. About two or three years ago, I learned about the Japanese-only release for the Super Famicon, Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken. Holy Shit! That game is incredible! But I'll save all that praise for later.

Overall, Milon's Secret Castle is a great game that deserves a fair chance. And if you're playing it for the first time, or even for the nth time, you need to keep in mind what kind of game you're getting into. If you treat it purely as an action-platformer, you're going to end up discrediting it for all of the wrong reasons. Play it as a puzzle game and then discredit it for all the right reasons if you still don't like it. Otherwise, enjoy.

Nano-rant:

One other thing I should bring up, as I've seen numerous complaints regarding it, as mentioned some 5000 words ago - the usage of bubbles as a weapon. So what? Why is this such an issue to people? The last game I just reviewed, Illusion of Gaia, Will's using a flute, but no one seems to have any problem with that. Then again, I guess that's because he's thrusting it like a sword, but whatever....

Rating: 4.5 honeycombs out of 5

SNES - Illusion of Gaia

Haiku-Review:

a fascinating
twist on our Earth's history -
and the best places

Additional Comments:

I first encountered this game in the early 2000's when I had to purchase another SNES to replace my original one that had broken sometime in the mid-late 90s. The game came free, along with a few others, when I bought it off of eBay. I was curious, as I think up to that point, I may have only known the game by title, and in passing at that. Right off the bat, I loved this game and to this day it is still one of my all-time favorite SNES games and probably still my favorite game that has the Enix brand attached to it. I've just always enjoyed the action/adventure fighting style so much more then the unwieldy turn-based system that other Enix products had. But there's so much more reason then just that.

Illusion of Gaia has one of the greatest stories I've come across - which, to me, presents a rather atypical ending and what's-to-come considering its roots in the strange history/fantasy mélange that supports it. What's more, the story takes you to some of the most fantastic places in our own history/mythology such as the Nazca Lines, Angkor Wat and even Mu. Are you kidding me? They went with Mu over Atlantis - that is fucking awesome!!

Also, both the music and graphics are superb. The dungeon themes, especially, are devilishly intense and really create a mood of danger, which I think helps give the dungeons the feeling that they're harder then they really are. But my favorite tune is probably the peaceful Itory Village.

I suppose if I absolutely had to make a complaint, it would probably be the total linear gameplay that the game incorporates. Although it really doesn't bother me, there is really no game deviation going on here, though if you can manage to find all 50 gems, you do get to visit a bonus dungeon known as Gem's Mansion. In my most recent playthrough, I was still unaware of this and only found out while researching some minor inconvenience on GameFaqs. Damn, I was already so close to the end too, did I really want to restart the whole game? You bet I did. Unfortunately, Gem's Mansion was nothing to brag about, though it did have a really cool Layer 1 effect going on with scrolling ghosts. However, the boss, Solid Arm, is much harder than Dark Gaia, which in my opinion is a fairly easy boss for an end boss. In fact, Solid Arm gave me more trouble than those dastardly Vampires in Mu - but that could be because I've finally gotten use to those two - though I certainly recall raging pretty badly the first time I ever fought them.

Oh, one other nit-picky concern is the game's use of Mode 7. As cool as the effect probably was in its time - I find it to be nothing more than unnecessary bling that really slows down gameplay. I love the map, but I think the whole Mode 7 bit could have been executed better.

Nano-rant:

Ok, I do have one other complaint. Kara is a fucking, stuck-up, prude little bitch who I want to punch in the throat repeatedly. Seriously, I don't think there is any other game character in the history of video games that I hate as much as her. She makes the raft scene an absolute chore to play through, and leaves me pleading with Will to just boot her into the ocean - let the shark's finisher her once and for all. And then, without want to give the ending away - WTF!?!?!?

Rating: 4.5 gems out of 5

XB360 - Halo: Reach

Haiku Review:

Somewhat okay tale
of Spartans and Covenant.

Get pwned by a teen! 

Additional Comments:

First I must admit something to you: this is the first Halo game I've really played. I have tinkered with the series occasionally at a friend's house, but I never really cared for the game. I tried to like it. But I noticed one glaring truth about Halo at large: many people who love this game--yes, those who are great at this game--are certifiable douchebags. It's a proven fact. And because I try my darnedest to try to not be a douchebag, Halo and I just never became friends. Also, while we're being completely frank, let's just admit that this is just another space marine story (*groans*). I will say that they did add an interesting twist with the ringworld or "halo" in the first game, but again, this has been done before. So if you like reading at all--which I admit that probably most of Halo's fanbase probably never reads anything beyond the drunken texts that their friends send them, replete with the words "Brah" and "duuuuude"--and especially if you are into sci-fi at all, then you've read the complete story in Starship Troopers by the revered Robert Heinlein and Ringworld (another classic) by Larry Niven. There it is. Halo. Don't even bother with the official Halo books or even trying to like the story, because if you've read any good sci-fi lit, then you're already a snob--I must admit that I'm that snob.

However. I also have to admit that though I went into this game with huge reservations and preconceived notions, this game really surprised me. I even...like...love this game! The story is still not good, and I still don't even know what happened, thought the ending was pretty cool I guess, but the presentation and controls are solid. The newer additions of the jetpack and powers are awesome. I first thought that the whole credit/experience system was going to be stupid, but I've already spent a lot of time refining the look of my Spartan, buying that one shoulder pad or the cool blue visor color. It seems like Bungie really wanted to up the ante and make Halo compete better with newer mega-hits, like Modern Warfare. They added a ton of awards that you can earn with give you more credits along with the obvious cool points. The online multiplayer is a friggin' blast. That was what I thought I would hate the most, but I actually love it the most. Every day there are new challenges that you can try to conquer that will give you additional credits and experience, and then there's also a harder weekly challenge that awards a hefty amount of creds. There are a few throwaway multiplayer types (like Infection and Invasion, where you either are a zombie trying to infect the rest, or you're trying to defend yourself against the infected. You can make a "Psyche Profile" which is just a way of saying what type of player you are. It seems like you are placed in matches where you actually have a chance, because I haven't rage quit yet. Although I will say that though you can tell the Psyche Profile that you hate trash talk and want to play silently, there is still that ONE fourteen year old that has a mic and constantly annoys the living bejeezus out of everyone.

Now, I'm admittedly an achievement whore, so I try to get all the achievements/trophies that I can in a game. Most of these are very attainable. I even beat this on Legendary difficulty to maximize my achievement whoring (350 points in that!!). And let me tell you, I'm freaking P-R-O-U-D of myself for actually being able to do it. Because Legendary made this the hardest game I've ever played. Thankfully the checkpoint system is really good in this game and even though you will die a lot, you make enough progress through the game where it's never frustrating. Actually, you almost revere every checkpoint to the point where you feel like it's a mini-birthday.


Rating:   Solid 4.5 douchebags out of 5


Nano-rant Review:

Get ready to die.

NES - Bigfoot

Haiku-Review:

tear up engines and
cut your opponent down - it's
monster truck mayhem!

Additional Comments:

Hmm, it's really hard for me to criticize this game in the slightest even whilst knowing it is a game that seems to face some serious derision by gamers. I grew up with this game and as a kid, I freakin' loved it. This game brought together two of my favorite things as a kid: monster trucks and video games. Hell, throw dinosaurs in there too, and then we'd really have something cooking. Of course, playing it now, ok, perhaps it's not the greatest of games - but you know what? Who cares? As a kid, this game delivered everything I wanted: car-crushing, mud-bogging, hill-climbing, tractor-pulling awesomeness with a badass title screen portraying Bob Chandler himself standing next to his masterful creation. Goddammit, this game owned and I played the hell out of it.

Now, it's been years since I've played this game, and in fact, I sort of forgot all about this game. Because of that, it helped give me a slightly fresh perspective on the game - though not by much as I quickly learned that I still knew this game inside and out, even after all these years. And? Ok, I'll bite - yea, the controls are still just as shitty as I remember, the music still scathes with its annoying single-tone, southern rock-styled monotony and I'm still shaking my head over the slap-in-the-face end screen. Yet, just as it was 20 years ago, these are still just minor annoyances that can easily be overlooked - yes, even the bullshit left/right turbo taps on the d-pad with the awkward gear shifts. Of course, for everyone else in the world, I could probably guarantee an opposing response. But that's them.... (And fortunate for you all - I will spare you the music of this game.)

So there it is. Yea, maybe to most, it's a shitty game, but to me, it was a cool game that I absolutely loved as a kid and to my surprise, still enjoyed on my most recent run-through.

Nano-rant:

Despite my cheers, yea, those side-scrolling controls are fucking ridiculous. Prepare to feel some serious pain within your thumbs.

Rating: 3.5 engines out of 5