Friday, August 26, 2011

PS1 - Destruction Derby

Haiku-Review:

crude smash 'em up fun
packed in a next-gen racer -
"you've blown your engine!"

Additional Comments:

I remember when I first got my PS1, two of the first games that came into my possession were Formula 1 (which was, and still is a fantastic racing sim in my opinion - besides, it was based on the '95 season, which I'll admit didn't have the pizzazz of preceding seasons with the likes of Senna and Prost; it stirred up some fantastic battles between Benetton and Williams - oh, to see Williams in its prime again, but alas, that's all for another day) and Destruction Derby 2. Having always enjoyed racing games, I was ecstatic when I found a game based around the concept of, well...demolition derbies - reminded me of when I used to go watch Figure-8 races as a kid. Not only could I race around some interestingly designed tracks, but I could also violently ram my opponents and watch the parts fly as they spin around mercilessly. Fantastic! Of course, nowadays with franchises like Forza and Gran Turismo, car modeling couldn't look better, the racing couldn't get any better (well, it could, but I digress), and with Forza introducing crash damage; these old-timey racers are just so horribly outdated now. The graphics and 3D modeling are puke, the tracks leave much to be desired and the opponent AI is damn near absent - although, at least it's not as bad as Mario Kart AI - sheesh, talk about some awful stuff. But just like any other game of yore, those games that were great are going to continue to shine for one reason or another, no matter how much they look like a pile of crap compared to today's standards.

But then there's Destruction Derby. Based on my initial reaction to Destruction Derby 2 back in the day, I'm pretty confident that this game would have had the same effect - after all, we're talking about an overall upgrade from the measly offerings of arcade-style racers or driving sims we had available to us; stuff like Out Run, F-Zero, Virtua Racing, or heck, Super Mario Kart. Well, truth be told, none of those games are measly - they're all fantastic! Come on, Virtua Racing? I remember dropping a wealth of quarters anytime I saw one of those twin machines at an arcade. As far as driving/racing games went, that game was the bomb! Nevertheless, the next-gen consoles forever changed the world of racing games. Sure, Virtua Racing was using 3D models, but compared to some of the next-gen stuff, it was obvious that 3D was still in its infancy. To me, playing Destruction Derby today, while the game isn't the greatest (which I'll get into why in a bit), there's this real sense of control (and/or lack of), speed and realism, despite that realism being nothing more than shards of quadrilateral polygons flying across the screen compared to today's games. Of course, I haven't played Virtua Racing since the mid 90s, so my argument could be completely bogus. But I'm not here to talk about the king of arcade racing, so moving on....

I have to be honest, it's hard to admit that the game is inherently great, because compared to its sequel, it's a piece of shit. However, erasing all prior knowledge and experience of its sequel, I have to default to the game's graces. It's a game based around real pedal-to-the-metal racing, crash-based spin-those-suckers-out racing and classic arena style derbies, and it delivers on all fronts. The racing is great (although I'd have to call shenanigans on Rookie mode), and the crash 'em, smash 'em action is a blast, well almost - the arena battles can become a bore and the idea of including six rounds of the same arena in championship mode is a snooze fest. But again, this can almost be attributed to knowing how the sequel handled it. So then, are the arena championships actually a dud? Eh, I'm still gonna say yes.

Looking at the different modes, Stock Car has always been my favorite, despite the game focusing on and awarding those who perform the biggest wrecks. While Wreckin' mode is a lot of fun, I've always liked trying to cross the finish line in first while total chaos ensues around the track. In Wreckin' mode, laps and/or position just doesn't really matter and you can tank the entire race, ramming others incessantly for points. Yea, that's the point of Wreckin' mode, but it really defeats the "racing" aspect of the game that I'd like to think should still remain a part of it. But what I enjoy about Stock Car mode is that the "crash" aspect isn't negated. Everyone's still out to spin you into oblivion and you can drop from first to last at the drop of a hat if all goes wrong, but that's part of the fun. And unlike games like Mario Kart where the same scenario can have you throwing remotes and swearing at the TV, this game never instills that brand of frustration thanks to the division brackets.

The idea of divisions is another aspect I've always like about this series. Although you're racing nineteen other drivers on course, in reality, you're only racing three other drivers for championship contention at any one time. But to win the overall championship, you have to win each division and work your way up the league ladder. And to help ease the idea of having to race five separate divisions one after another just to win the overall, each division pits you against a unique set of tracks. While the sequel made better use of this idea (no surprise), the original game did manage to switch up the tracks for each season enough to alleviate any potential boredom. Each location remains constant, but the track layouts consistently change with each new season with the exception of Crossover (ok, there is a slight change but it's ever so slight). But come on, who's going to complain about a track that gives you twenty chances per race to t-bone your opponents dead on? This is what Wreckin' racing is all about! Although, damn, does that track suck ass in Stock Car mode.

The tracks themselves aren't the greatest, but they get the job done. There's really only two types of layouts: ovals (or tri-ovals) and narrow street courses. While they're nothing to lick your lips over, they work for the style of racing the game offers: close-quarters, paint-grinding, fender-bending action. Some of the tracks however, especially Ocean Drive or the crossover version of Cactus Creek, are a nightmare to throw your car around when you're behind the wheel of the Pro machine. Some of those right-angled corners are just stupidly tight and you have a higher chance of blowing your engine from ramming the barrier than some of the other louts out there - looking at you Learner Driver.

In addition to the aforementioned Rookie and Pro modes, there's also an Amateur mode. I suppose these can be labeled as difficulty modes, however I've never really viewed them that way. For one, Pro has always been my favorite mode in DD2, and I think it's safe to say that it's also the case here. Pro really frees up the car, to the point where you literally have no control when zipping around corners and performing tight radius turns, while much easier to pull off, can turn into an unwanted spin real fast But despite this total lack of control, in a way, you actually have more control over cornering - it's a bit hard to explain. Sure, speed is more apparent in the latter modes, but outside of Rookie, speed means very little. Unfortunately, the lack of speed in Rookie makes Rookie the hardest mode to handle, especially when doing Stock Car racing. I think the other reason Rookie comes off as the "hard" mode to me is that it seems that the AI doesn't really change between difficulty modes. The only thing truly affected is the physics of the car. Oh, and because of Pro's lucid control, the arena matches do become a bit livelier.

I'm not completely sure what was the first game that introduced me to a rather "alternative" take on video game music, but I know DD2 was one of the first. Despite it's completely non-vgm style soundtrack, I liked it. I was glad to hear that the original game also had a similar approach to its soundtrack. Compared to your average video game, this stuff is just...strange, but damn is this music great. Typically, I hate game soundtracks that have a more rock/techno edge or similarly styled radio-friendly aesthetic - thinks Sonic Heroes and other Crush 40 bullshit - or even use commercial music, although Summer Song somehow seemed fitting in Formula 1. Anyways, a couple of tracks worth noting are Aftershow and Hardhitter.

Overall, the game's good, but great? Eh, based on my original impressions of DD2, it could have been, but we'll never know for sure. Unfortunately, as I've said, it's not the one I started out with, and compared to the sequel it falls horribly short so my perception of it is highly skewed. It's a mixed bag for me. I know the material presented is worthy, but knowing the potential of what was to come - it's like trying to explain why Super Mario Bros. is such a great game when you know all and well that compared to its successors, it just sucks balls.

Nano-Rant:

The Skum is an asshole!

Rating: 2.5 Smoothies out of 5

Friday, August 19, 2011

Tears of Joy

Today, or more appropriately, yesterday, Beat All Games has turned the final page of its annual calendar. That's right, one year had passed since I started this mess - though technically, that page was turned late last month. Personally, I'm amazed I've stuck with this, even if I have slowed down considerably in the last few months and we haven't heard wind of Sven. Sadly, the amount of games beaten is few, but so what? I've had fun, and like I said in the beginning, I'm doing this all purely for my own amusement, so who cares? And if someone pops their head in and reads a few of these things; has a chuckle or the urge to give me the bird, all the better!

While Sven hasn't been seen around these parts, I still chat with him about games pretty regularly and we often have a laugh about this site, mostly in regards to how the site grew from an idea of shooting off a couple comical lines about either our fondness or disgust of a game we've recently beaten into full-length critical essays tearing the games apart from both a player's perspective and a technical perspective if and when possible. Not sure how that happened myself, but it's interesting nonetheless that such an evolution even took place - although I'm fairly certain I can attribute that to the fact that both of us are writers at heart. Heck, even now I'm probably writing far more than I should be just to say "Happy Anniversary, Beat All Games!"

And so, with the passing of a year, I look at the almighty lists. Drat! I've managed to rack up only 61 games beaten, with 84 standing as the total between Sven and myself. I'd say it's a tad on the short side, but then, this isn't a competition. It's something done completely at our leisure, for our leisure, so again, who cares? I still have a large number of games in process, though I don't really want to divulge anything. And I might have a new partner in crime hopping on board who has recently had the desire to run through a lot of computer games, both new and old. It seems he's got some stuff on his mind he'd like to say about some of those games, so why not? Besides, it helps me out by not having to play them myself, since I'm not the biggest fan of computer games.

Anyways, enough chit chat. I thought I'd post my top 5 favorite and least favorite games that I played over the past year. Be aware that I'm posting these games pretty much at the tip of a hat, so I'm likely overlooking some fantastic games and/or lurid atrocities. And if that's the case, well, then maybe they didn't deserve to be in the list to begin with, because obviously I couldn't remember them under pressure of a snap decision. So, without further ado I present my five's, in descending order; each number showcasing a favorite and not-so-favorite:


5. Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken
-I'm a bit guilty that I might have picked Do-Re-Mi Fantasy because it's one of those hidden Japanese gems that I would have never known about were it not for the world of emulation. But then, the game is just fantastic. It's one of those games that shines because of its simple nature. They didn't fluff it with needless crap. Everything in the game serves its purpose and serves it well.

5. Drakkhen
-While I don't think this game deserves to be so down-voted - it had so many great ideas with serious potential - there were just way too many flaws in this game. Seriously, this game was a total and complete mess from start to finish, and that's just sad.


4. The Bard's Tale
-I still think this is a very underrated game. Ok, maybe it's not the greatest hack 'n slash out there, but for me there's something about this game where all the pieces just fall into place. Heck, I really had to dig to even find anything to complain about.

4. Mario Pinball Land
-Like I've said numerous times already, I have a strange affinity for console-based pinball games, but this game was just far too luck-based and unfair in stage design for my tastes. While it's a fun game for about five minutes, it quickly delves into tedium for anything more.


3. New Super Mario Bros. Wii
-I feel like an idiot fanboy for plugging this game, but I'm sorry, it's awesome. Sure, this game is nothing more than a gimmick hog, but you know, sometimes gimmick hogs are simply a lot of fun. I certainly don't want to come across as someone who's easily bought in by such an approach to game design. That'd be as shallow as someone who's bought in purely by the latest and greatest graphics. But sometimes that's just the way it is.

3. Sonic the Hedgehog 2
-You don't know how much it pains me to have to include a Sonic game in my worst 5, but the level design in this game was so disgusting. This is one of those game that makes me wonder how on earth it made it past the cutting room floor. This game was equivalent to playing any number of YouTube grade user-made levels - cheap design, sketchy spritework and slapped together architecture. Just shoot me now....


2. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
-Well, it's not my favorite Zelda, but it's definitely up there. But not only that, it's up there as one of the best games ever made. Unlike most Zelda games, and what I feel really sets this one apart, is the replayability factor. For such an ability to even exist in a puzzle game speaks volumes in my book, so yea.

2. Jaws
-Despite playing this quite a bit as a kid, I guess I was just too ignorant to realize how bad it was. But the thing is, this could have been a good game. I think there's actually some potential hidden away in this game if the designers actually had an interest in designing something that was worthwhile and fun to play. Instead, we got this piece of crap. Oh well.


1. VVVVVV
-Who would have thought a no name indie game with Commodore-style graphics and incredibly simple game design would have been so goddamn fun to play? Like I said in my post, this was one of those games where I just had a blast from beginning to end. The last time that happened with a virgin game experience...honestly, I don't know. Even as much as I love NSMBW, I had lapses where I wanted to put the game down either out of boredom or frustration. With this game, that just never happened.

1. Where's Waldo?
-I don't even want to talk about this game. It's nothing but a grotesque piece of shit that should have never been made.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

GB - The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

Haiku-Review:

hold on a second -
Yoshi, dog food...who's Christine?
what am I playing?

Additional Comments:

Obviously, I've been on a Zelda kick. As soon as I finished A Link to the Past, I immediately picked up Link's Awakening, which is doubly rewarding because of how similar the two games are in play style, and well, I love LTTP so why wouldn't I love this particular title? Now, I first picked this game up about a year or so ago, and the game really confused me. Never mind all the Mario references, it took me about an hour or so before I figured out how to get the sword. Huh? Add to that the misery I faced trying to deal with the second dungeon and I eventually put it down, sort of forgetting all about it. Well, as I said, after my LTTP run I couldn't help but not pick this game up again, and boy am I ever glad I did. This game totally delivers and really impressed when you think about it - we're talking about a GameBoy game here. This is one hell of a game for that little grey brick!

Playing through it the second time, I still faced slight adversity trying to get the sword - I don't know why I keep forgetting that you can push items with the shield. And sure enough Bottle Grotto immediately gave me the bird again. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was I had to do to continue past wherever it was that I kept getting stuck. But there were two things that absolutely stumped the hell out of me: obtaining the dog food and the bird. And you know what's sickening about the whole affair is how incredibly obvious both solutions were. I spent hours, even days interacting with every single thing I could find in every single way I could imagine. Seriously, I dug holes across every square inch of the land looking for solutions - especially for that damned canned item that Sale wanted. I slashed at everything I could. I picked up rocks galore and ran into just about every obstacle I could find. Why can't I just grab the bananas straight off the crate, or better yet, knock some out of the tree? Just what is the purpose of that monkey next to Sale's house? For the longest time, I though he might be part of the key. Arrghhh!!!!

Ok, ok, so Link has access to a wizened old coot, Ulrira, via telephone who likes to drop hints. While the hints seem incredibly blatant regarding your next move, they couldn't be further from the truth. It's amazing, given how obvious they are in context, they are actually of little help. At first I questioned the developers decision to put in what can essentially be regarded as a hint and/or cheat guide, but in the end, he's nothing more than a nuisance stating what we already know. Eh, I guess he's helpful in some circumstances. After all, if it wasn't for him, I would have never tried to hunt down a can of dog food so I can obtain a bunch of bananas. Wait, this is a Zelda game, right? Why am I performing such arbitrary tasks? It's like I'm given a grocery list: dog food - check, bananas - check, a new broom - ugh. What happened to good old action adventure?

This game definitely made me scratch my head at times. So yes, for some reason, there's a long succession of trades that must be made in this game. What better may to enliven an already proven game design than with an endless chore of fetch quests? Seriously, why does this exist? I probably wouldn't mind the whole ordeal if it wasn't so pivotal to the primary story line - looking at you mermaid scale and bananas. As a side quest for perhaps a leveled item or even something like the boomerang, whatever, but with the ultimate goal being the directions through the Wind Fish's egg, I've got to question it. Now don't take all this the wrong way, it's not bad. It's just, rather tedious and seems a bit out of character for a Zelda game. Yes, I know fetch quests exist in Zelda games, but to this extent? This is stretching it a bit if you ask me.

Enough bickering about the trading game, although I will say it really helped me to test the extreme limitations of the overworld. Much like Link to the Past, the overworld is cleverly built - seemingly designed with both obstacle and required item to overcome said obstacle constantly on the designer's mind. And while the overworld proved frustrating at times, I found myself really enjoying the overall layout. If I had to nitpick anything, it would be some of the harder obstacles that you couldn't overcome until very late in the game that led to treasure rooms that only contained a multiplied rupee. For being as late in the game as it was, it came across as a disappointing treasure. Other than having to purchase some bomb replenishment every now and then, once the shovel and/or bow is bought, the store is, well...useless. And if you can manage to steal the bow, then the store is even more useless.

Overall, Link's Awakening was fantastic. It really surprised me. Honestly, a GameBoy Zelda game - I didn't have the highest of hopes the first time I had picked up the game. This time through, I was aware of its LTTP similarities, so I expected to at least get some satisfaction out of it, but I still didn't imagine it was going to be this enjoyable. Quirkiness aside - shout outs to the Mario-verse, the fetch quest trading game, other oddities - the game is pure Zelda through and through, well at least in the form of mechanics, and really made its mark in regards to what the GameBoy was capable of producing. Another quirk worth mentioning: the music. First of all, this game has some brilliant music, especially Mysterious Forest, but there's something about it that sounds so out of place for a Zelda game. It's reminiscent of the Earth Area (Day) theme from Drakkhen - you can't help but groove while listening to it, but you also can't escape that giant question mark floating just over your head. Other great tunes include Face Shrine, Southern Shrine, or even just the basic House tune. Yet even as fitting as these songs are to the adventure, they too are just an odd curio in the full scope of the Zelda universe.

But there's one final peculiarity that I must investigate. I was chatting with a friend of mine about the game, explaining its similarities to Link to the Past. Well, similar, yet wholly different. There's a noticeable absence of some very important elements: Ganon, the Triforce and heck...Zelda! So, how is it a Zelda game, I was asked. I think what I really liked about this game is that it didn't fall into the same old trap of most Zelda games. It took familiar ideas and mechanics and wrapped it around a whole new story enveloped within a [spoilers]dreamscape[/spoilers] which I think is brilliant. There was something about this game that reminded me a lot of Wind Waker in that it was a completely fresh approach to a Zelda game. Sure, the basic mechanics were akin to LTTP, but the game on a macro scale felt wholly different. I think if it held true to form and more or less was nothing but a LTTP clone, both in mechanics and story, the game would be nothing more than an advancement of play for those who truly enjoy LTTP as opposed to a game unto its own. Although, yea, it is a bit weird that the fundamentals of a Zelda game are lost somewhere on the cutting floor.

Nano-Rant:

Now then, let me talk about items. And to properly talk about items, I must talk about the Nightmare. While I faced a dubious amount of untimely deaths against the final boss, I place most of the blame on item guesswork as opposed to the creature's immediate threat. The boss itself, other than Dethl's form, was a breeze - well, once you figured out what items each form required. Fortunately, some were easy, such as Agahnim's form, other's not so much, such as Ganon's form. I pretty much fell into a pattern with this boss: try item, failure, try item, failure, try item, failure, death. Rinse and repeat, except after a few deaths I'd eventually find the right item; after which I could move on to the next form and start the whole cycle all over again.

But of all the forms, there's really only two that tripped me up: Ganon's and Dethl's. Why I didn't see the Pegasus Boots as a form of attack is beyond me. But Dethl - what a total dick! I spent an exuberant amount of time throwing everything I had at this bastard, and what pisses me off the most is that both the boomerang and arrows were the first two items I tried, since they weren't used up until this point throughout Nightmare's battle. But they were both reflected because the weapon to eye contact was a frame too early or late - the eye was considered half closed. As a result, I figured that neither weapon was meant for the job and moved on. What the hell, nothing worked! Many deaths were had and much swearing ensued. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how much bullshit his revolving arms manage to create. They are a total nightmare to avoid.

Anyways, after an hour of item testing, I finally inflicted pain with a lone arrow. Huzzah!  Twenty arrows later and the game came to an end. What really frustrates me though is that I could have taken him down with one solitary flick of the boomerang, but I didn't think it worked because the goddamn eye was considered to be half closed. Goddammit!!

Which speaking of, why is the boomerang so damn powerful!? Holy crap! Isn't the point of the boomerang to stun?

Rating: 4.5 cans of dog food out of 5

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

NES - Disney's Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

Haiku-Review:

rodent detectives
face cigar puffing Fat Cat -
watch out for ashes!

Additional Comments:

How is it that in the late 80s/early 90s, Capcom and Disney formed the perfect marriage? While I still haven't played them all, the Capcom/Disney games that I have played have always been pure gold. And what amazes me even more is that the levels found in these games are typically very simple in construction, but are just a blast to play. I don't know what Capcom had in their drinking water at the time, but with Disney by their side, they just consistently knocked 'em out of the park.

But I think what I really love about the Capcom/Disney collaboration was that the games were consistent with their accompanying theme - be it Chip 'n Dale, DuckTales, Darkwing Duck, whatever, the levels within the games made sense given the world, background, and general story line behind each show. They weren't train wrecks like LJN's video game adaptations of blockbuster movies which often left you wondering what movie they were watching when they sketched out an idea for the game. Come on, at least make them remotely comparable. Ugh. But we can all hate on LJN another time (and we all know we want to).

So what do we get with Disney's Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers? A story that initially revolves around a missing kitten. Already, I can think back to my childhood and reminisce about so many episodes of the cartoon and think, yep, I can see that happening. In fact, I'm certain there were a couple episodes about just that. And talking about game/cartoon comparisons, I've always loved that the scrub brush machine actually made it into this game as a boss - I still remember that episode (man, it's rather sad that I remember it so well too). Anyways, mission in hand, it's up to our two pint-sized heroes, with help from Gadget, Monterrey Jack and Zipper of course, to work their way through a heaping of fascinating levels. I've always loved Zone B where you have to turn off the water faucets. I don't know why, because looking at the gimmick today, it's incredibly simple and completely non-threatening - almost pointless, if you will. But still, there's just something about it that makes me think, how cool is this? Heh, were we ever suckered in by some of the simplest things back in the 8-bit era.

Where this game really upped the fun factor was when you played it two player, being one of those rare games that offered two player simultaneous co-op. And they offered this feature in an almost comical way, sort of playing off of the fact that while Chip and Dale are best of friends at heart, they will still always bicker till the very end. Such is the same here - under normal circumstances Chip and Dale work hand in hand, clearing the path of mechanical baddies or other goofy agents of Fat Cat such as the Tommy gun toting weasels. But then, if the mood strikes and there's even a sense of resentment because the other player stole a star out from under your nose, you can pick your co-hero up over your head and toss him over the ledge...well, if you're that much of an asshole I guess. Otherwise, it is quite the handy trick to quickly assail vertical sections without the worry that someone might fall victim to the bottomless void below.

Add to that, your typical happy, bouncy stage themes like Zone B, Zone D, or even the overworld's Map theme, and you've got yourself a joyous little romp through an oversized wonderland of fun. So if it isn't obvious by now, yea, I've always loved this game - it's one of my all-time favorite Nintendo titles - and probably still will for some time to come. Whether you're looking for something fun to kill a quick thirty minutes, or you just want to revel in some Capcom/Disney nostalgia, this is definitely a go-to game.

Rating: 5 Cola Cults out of 5 (oh wait, that's from the show...still, how great was that episode?)