NES - Jaws

Haiku-Review:

jellyfish, stingrays-
your bellies full of conch shells
the funds for Jaws' death?

Additional Comments:

Yet another old NES game I often played, or attempted to play, as a kid. I remember my cousins had this game, and every now and then we would pop this game in (it seemed when we became bored with Rad Racer or Excitebike, this was one of our go to games - not really sure why). Anyways, I remember never getting anywhere in this game. Every time Jaws would pop up, it'd lead to a fairly quick Game Over. Fast forward to today - I beat the game in probably 20 minutes. What the hell?

What's funny is that during the course of this blog, Sven and I have had several conversations about how our gaming skills must have just sucked when we were kids. Either that, or our practical thinking skills were nil to none when it came to problem solving gaming scenarios way back when. Whatever the case, I find it a bit embarrassing when I come across a game where I barely ever made any headway - seriously, as a kid I'd probably knock off about four life bars tops off of that blasted shark, and now, in one take, he's dead.

Ok, but it's not just that. This time through, everything just made so much sense - and I'm not just talking about the simple shoot and dodge maneuvers. I don't think I was ever aware that you could return to your home port to receive power upgrades, or that there was a sub which offered up extra hit protection. No wonder I struggled with this game so much. I feel the better part of a fool to have never realized these things, especially when the world map is as depressingly small as it is.

But what's even more ridiculous is that for what little ground I ever achieved in my original playthroughs, I was only ever one creature away from beating the game. I just can't get over how short this game is. It's a slap in the face honestly, but then again, we're talking about an LJN product, so I suppose it should only be expected. And the final boss, is this a joke? Unlimited time combined with the fact that Jaws can't even hurt you - how the hell is this even a boss? Oh, because you have to perform a pixel-perfect boat attack in order to kill him. Hey, LJN: that's not difficulty - that's bad game design!

There's nothing redeeming in this game - literally nothing. From the pointless back-and-forth on a very limited overworld to the droll shoot em' up sequences in the main action areas to the Air-Sea Battle style bomb-the-jellyfish bonus scenes to the facepalm boss battle, this game sucks balls. It's not the worst game I've ever played, but it's probably the most unnecessary game I've ever played.

Whatever, here's some music: the Ending Theme.

Nano-Rant:

Oh! So, you remember that scene in Jaws where Brody, Hooper and Quint dropped a plethora of bombs on a fluther of jellyfish from an airplane? Or that incredibly dramatic climax where they killed the shark by stabbing it with the bowsprit? Because I sure don't. Maybe they're in the DVD extras - who knows?

Rating: 1 jellyfish ballet out of 5