XBLA - Marvel vs. Capcom 2

Haiku Review:      


Hundred point combos
are easy, choosing Iron Man
and mashing buttons.

Additional Comments:

When I first talked to Sir Iain about beating this game, he was under the impression that this was called "Shark vs. Capcom". Which I thought was pretty hilarious and epic-sounding. That sounds like one tough shark to have all of Capcom pitted against it.

I actually played this game a lot when my friend had this on the Dreamcast (RIP). And even then this game was both awesome and ridiculous. Nothing's changed really, save for some updated graphics and online play. For the most part, this is exactly the same as I remember. What I forgot was how easy this was to make hundred-point combos and how hard the last couple of matches are. Granted, I probably really suck at this game. But the best part about it is that all my friends suck equally as much or even more than I do, so it seems like I'm great at this game.

The premise of this game is really cool (and obvious): many of the characters from the Marvel Comic universe against many of the characters from Capcom games. I remember when I first heard about this, I thought it was a kind of strange mix, but it works. The problem is that, with so many characters, there are a LOT of characters that are foreign to me. Chiefest being Amingo (who is that guy??). But there are many others that they don't need at all. For instance, on the Capcom side, you need all or most of the Street Fighter cast, you need Megaman, Roll, Jill Valentine, and Strider. But who is Amingo and B.B. Hood, and Ruby Heart? On the Marvel side, you need the cast of the X-Men, X-Force, and the Avengers (and enemies). But why Spiral and Silver Samurai and Blackheart and Shuma Gorath? And why two Wolverines? It almost seems like there are characters in here just for the sake of having characters. Many of those ancillary characters aren't even worth playing with because they suck so bad.

When playing this game, you honestly don't need much of a tutorial, really. Pretty much all you have to do is know the buttons for the super combos, because if you have that down, you are pretty much going to win. I'm sure there is probably strategy and such, but if you just mash buttons, you'll be all right.

We're going to start a 10 point rating system (on a five-point scale with half-point increments), so here it is:



Rating:  4 comic hotties out of 5



Nano-rant:

Wait...there was a MvC 1 ??


Nano-win:

WHOA!!  Rogue is SO HOT!!

Arcade - Hotdog Storm

Haiku-Review:

what a misleading
name for a sweet STG -
but where's the turbo?

Additional Comments:

From its quirky name to its surreal title card, there is surprisingly a nicely done STG tucked away inside, albeit it felt to be on the short side. Whatever the storyline or whatever the heck is going on, it doesn't even matter because the game manages to deliver exactly what it needs to: shooting down planes, tanks, spacecraft and other strange, flying apparatuses just for the fuck of it. However, by the time I really got into the groove of the game - properly handling bombs, dodging bullet spray and learning the various boss patterns, the game was over. Dammit, and I was just starting to really enjoy the game. And on top of that, it seemed as though that it sucked up a rather minimal amount of credits. Well, that's more money in my pocket (yes, even pocketing theoretical money is a plus).

Aside from the feeling that the game was over before it even began, my biggest gripe was a lack of turbo fire. Having to consistently punch the fire button in a non-stop canon-fodder STG is bullshit. Now, if there was a turbo fire option available without having to remap the controls, then I guess it's my own stupidity for overlooking it. But nevertheless, considering a release of 1996, I would think that the genre would have been around more than long enough for a game company to realize that on any form of STG, turbo should just be standard, if not an easily applied option. But what do I know, I'm just a player.

All in all, a cool little shooter that's unfortunately marred by a lack of turbo, though I suppose it is fortunate that the screen isn't amassed with countless thousands of enemies at all times so you are able to sneak in a rest here and there - for about a quarter of a second. Maybe in that short span of time you can enjoy some of the soundtrack, or you can just listen to Stage 1 here. Oh, and one last thing, not sure why, but I just loved the interesting landscapes that the early stages contained.

Nano-rant:

Did I mention no turbo = bullshit!?!?

Rating: 3 credits out of 5

XB360 - Gears of War 2

Haiku Review:  


Better than first game!
Call me a Locust,
because I am blown away

Additional Comments:

In presentation, this is very similar to the first game. But unlike the first game, the story is a little tighter and more emotional, there are more fun add-ons, better checkpoints/saves, even better graphics (thought the first game was very pretty), more rail levels, more guns, more difficulty levels with more a better feel of the difficulty on each level, better multi-player--really, it's better in every way. I don't if I have much else to say about it. This game is so much like the first game in the good ways, that I don't want to repeat myself from the review of the first game. Many of my minor gripes were fixed or addressed. The difficulty of Hardcore mode is a lot more manageable and is a lot less like Insane mode, which was one of the flaws from the first game. I really got sucked into this game. On the first night, I played it from 11 p.m. till 3 a.m.! They manage to control the tension of the game and story by breaking up the "normal" third-person shooter moments with more rail-shooter moments. The only downside is that they do this so many times that it borders on tedium. Plus, some of the rail moments are so hard! And after playing this game, I realize that I was actually right about my opinion that these are space marines, since the story in the game explains that this is on another planet called Sera and these Locust are possibly an alien race and not a terrestrial species. The multiplayer is so much better in this game and the achievements seem a lot more attainable. One thing I don't  like about the achievements is that this game assumes that you are just going to buy all the map packs and DLCs and so includes the achievements of those maps and DLCs on the game. Annoying. Man, the story is so much better in this game. So much better. It ends like the first in a "to be continued..." moment, but it's not that bad. It really makes me want to play the third game. Can't wait! And Horde mode is awesome!

Nano-rant Review:

DUDE!  SO MANY RAILS!!!

Rating: 4 strange new Locusts out of 5

SNES - Super Mario Kart

Haiku-Review:

how many other
games do I recall shouting
"I've got winner!" ...none

Additional Comments:

When Super Mario Kart first came out, this had to be the greatest game on the market. I can't even remotely remember how many hours I spent ditching banana peels or chucking red shells, be it on the 1-player mode or dishin' it out against friends on the 2-player mode. Nintendo just did an absolutely bang up job with this game, so much so that a lot of the latter era Mario Karts have had trouble competing, in my opinion. Now, I'm not saying that the latter era ones are crap, far from it, in fact I think Double Dash is probably my favorite one of them all, but all of the Mario Karts that followed, through the introduction of new game design, presented just as many flaws as they did cool features. Of all the games in the series, the first one is the only one where all of the pros vastly outweigh any cons that may even be present - and those that are are damn near negligible. Yea, maybe I could gripe about the rubber-banding, but we're also talking about the SNES here and what was feasible within a 16-bit game world. Besides, the problem of rubber-banding within Mario Kart appears to have grown exponentially over the years with each passing game - which makes no sense at all. Anyways, the point is that this is the only one in the series that I pretty much consider perfect.

Yea, it might be hard to imagine I could label such as game as "perfect" when all the tracks have no elevation or nifty gimmicks, but at the time, that didn't matter and I still embrace its simple nature - especially the Battle Mode tracks. If there's one area that Nintendo has not been able to match since the series' inception, it's the Battle Mode tracks. Ok, Mario Kart Super Circuit and Mario Kart Wii have some good battle tracks, but still, they just don't compare to the original four. To me, the original four served up the perfect intensity when getting together with friends and spending an afternoon knocking each other out of contention; be it through a combination of red shell tosses and tight cornering techniques on Course 4 or wearing a shit-eating grin while waiting for your opponent to get nailed by a wandering green shell while you watched from the safety of a shallow pool on Course 2.

All in all, this game is awesome - everything about it. So in closing: Koopa Beach, the greatest theme/track locale in the game.

Rating: 4 red shells out of 5

GBA - Mario Party Advance

Haiku-Review:

board game amusement
is not so amusing with
only one player

Additional Comments:

Personally, I like the Mario Party series - call it a guilty pleasure - but the games are really only enjoyable with two or more players. Yea, they have story modes, which obviously is what I played through here, but it still feels so weird to play a Mario Party game by yourself. It's like playing a round of Monopoly by yourself - what's the point?

The game's not that bad, though a bit toilsome - does there have to be that many bonus dice mini-games that need to be played? Really? Ugh... Anyways, on the face of things, the graphics are rather nice and some of the music is...well, surprising. Two tunes in particular really grabbed my attention and I was rather pleased that one of them was attached to the mini games. The song that really caught my ear though has got to be the Mystery Quest theme.

There's really nothing else to say about the game. I suppose it's alright as a time killer - if you're twelve - but otherwise, a Mario Party game on the GameBoy Advance? It just seems pointless.

Nano-rant:

Are you fucking kidding me!? All other Gaddgets aside, Faux Flame and Breeze Buddy are the biggest wastes of programming I've ever come across in any game.

Also, I found out that I'm only 26% compatible with myself on the Compat-I-Com. Damn, what's that going to do to my self-esteem?

Rating: 2.5 Gaddgets out of 5

SNES - Megaman X, X2, and X3

Haiku Review:

21XX:
Megaman fights crazed Mavericks
yet still dies from spikes.

Additional Comments:

I absolutely love Megaman. If Megaman were a Megawoman, I'd pretend to be evil Grapple Man, and get into a wrestling match with her. But seriously, I love Megaman. Again, another franchise that reminds me of my gaming youth, it just never gets old to me. But though I love Megaman, I love Megaman X even more. The X series seems like an even more futuristic version of the Megaman series, with allusions to the now deceased Dr. Light and your previous version which needed to "mature" in a stasis pod until the right time. Which I guess is a hundred years from the normal Megaman universe (?). Really, it's the same as Megaman except for a few important distinctions: 1) Dr. Wily isn't the main boss, another android/virus caled Sigma is, 2) all the enemies are named after animals, 3) no more E-tanks, this time it's refillable Sub-tanks (which I prefer), 4) the music is all guitar driven, as interpreted by a keyboard player (sounds better than you'd think), 5) you have a "brother" named Zero, and 6) you can upgrade Megaman!!

When I was first exposed to these games as a teen, I don't know if I ever beat them, but I know that I played and loved ever single one. When I picked them up to play and beat once and for all, I just decided to play the SNES trilogy as a whole and comment that way instead of one at a time. And playing them back to back, I definitely have strong opinions about which is the best and why.

I know the music can sometimes sound cheesy, but I love it--especially in the first game. C'mon, Storm Eagle?!  That's awesome! And Zero's theme, Spark Mandrill?!!!  Yes! And I think I like the music from the first game the best, though the third game was a little better than the second in its musical score. Such as Blizzard Buffalo, Gravity Beetle,  and Toxic Seahorse. 

The upgrades are far better on X3, and seems like Capcom really paid attention to fans or game mechanics or both, because the powerups are just great. Though I love the first game, only two of the X powerups are of any use: the gun and chest. The other two are just lazy upgrades.

Overall, I think X2 is the best of the trilogy as far as everything combined. There are things I like more in X and X3, but it seems to me that X2 just had the right mix.

Of course, I have complaints, but they're really just minor nit-picky things. The thing that I think is the funniest thing about almost every Megaman game is that the first enemy on any stage is either jumpy or flying. Usually jumpy with shooty added for effect. The games are pretty tough for Megaman games, I think. And X3 is the hardest. With as many cool additions in X3 like the upgrade chips, gold armor, playable Zero, and acquiring Zero's beam sabre, the thing I hated the most was that you had to do everything JUST right to get the things that you really wanted, which just so happened to be the things that killed Sigma the easiest. Plus, I know there's a Megaman X Collection for the PS2, but since I didn't have that available, I just played the SNES versions. Which is good and bad. I kind of wish I had the Collection just for the extras and the cutscenes.

If you haven't played this series, you really need to. It's, in my opinion, some of the best Megaman games out there--even some of the best SNES games!

Megaman X, you just got beat!

Rating: 4.5 sub-tanks out of 5

GEN - The Lion King

Haiku-Review:

from cub to adult,
a well done adaptation
from movie to game

Additional Comments:

Another Genesis title I had growing up; I think outside of the NES Capcom era of Disney games, this is one of the best - and not only that, I'd probably rank this as my 4th fave Disney Game, just behind Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers, Duck Tales and just only being squeaked out by Aladdin. On top of that, perhaps other than Toy Story, this is probably one of the best movie to video game adaptations out there, which is saying something when you think about the 8-bit/16-bit gaming era and the stereotype, which sadly is true, that movie adaptations make for the worst games. Well, not here. The game is not only an incredible platformer, but also has a rather unique gameplay style since you play as a lion.

The game follows the movie fairly close, starting with young Simba and of course ending with adult Simba fighting Scar. However, one thing I found rather odd, especially concerning young/adult Simba, is when it came to the three different difficulty modes. Now, it may just be that I got use to it, but it seems the difficulty modes only affect young Simba since the Hyenas and Vultures appear to be the only creatures that follow any sort of difficulty curve (1 additional hit per). If the difficulty did indeed affect adult Simba in any fashion - well, you've got me.

On the topic of difficulty, as a kid, I never actually beat this game because I could never figure out how to kill Scar. Come to find out, you can maul - huh, I don't think I ever knew that. Well, that's what happens when you don't have the manual and wonderful places like GameFAQs don't exist. Nevertheless, Scar's still a tough son of a bitch, but that's mostly because I really didn't grasp the maul/throw technique until the third playthrough on Difficult mode.

I chose to play this on the Genesis as opposed to the SNES for two reasons: one, I grew up playing this game on the Genesis, and two, when it comes to cross-platform games, I typically always prefer the Genesis version because of Sega's sound engine. The thick, chunky basses and raw, growling synths always won my heart over the smoother, more presentable instruments of the SNES.

Be Prepared (Genesis Version)
Be Prepared (SNES Version)

It's no contest - the SNES version, to me, just sounds like garbage - and really out of tune at that.

Rating: 3.5 bugs out of 5

NES - Adventures of Tom Sawyer

                                                   

Haiku Review:

Once upon a time
this game kicked my family's butts.
Now I kicked Sawyer's.

Additional Comments:

So...I don't know anyone else who has ever played or heard of this game. But my family and I had this when I was very young, and it was one of the hardest games we'd ever played. At that time at least. It was also one of our favorites. Basically it's just a side-scrolling platformer with Sawyer going through various levels with his slingshot. There are even some top-down curtain shooter moments in the game, as you travel on the Mississippi on a log raft. And I absolutely love the music. Every time I hear it, it takes me back in time. There's really not so much I can say that's negative about this game. Even though it's not the best game in the world, I can't find anything at fault with it. Maybe I'm remembering it with my perspective as a kid and still judge it in that light. And, I really hadn't played this game in decades. So I picked the game up again, and, lo and behold, this game is easy. haha. Like, WAY easy. In fact, I beat this game in twenty minutes or something. For some reason, my family and I just could never get past the fifth level. Maybe growing up with games all my life has honed my gamer skills to perfection (probably not), or maybe we just really sucked back then (yeah...). Either way, this is a fun game that reminds me of my childhood--all the good moments. And that's what I love the most about good games. Childhood replayed. Game beaten.

Nanorant Review:

The only negative I can say about this game: way too short!

Rating: 3.5 slingshots out of 5

NES - Mega Man

Haiku-Review:

where it all began
for the Blue Bomber and the
devious Wily

Additional Comments:

Growing up, I think I played the hell out of Mega Man 2 and 3 - so much so that I know those two games like the back of my hand. Eventually, 4, 5 and 6 snuck in there too, but for some reason, the origin somehow always eluded me. Not until I bought the Mega Man Collection for PS2 did I finally get to play the original Mega Man. My hopes were high, really high in fact, mostly because the game had become harder and harder to track down (and I wasn't willing to pay the ridiculous prices eBayers were asking for). Well...crap. All my hopes were dashed.

The two things I had always heard about this game: it's amazing and it's hellaciously difficult. I think I'm going to have to disagree with both of those statements. Yea, the game is good, not sure I would call it great or amazing - ok, perhaps for its time, but I just don't think it stands up against any of the sequels, except for maybe MM6 (but we'll get to that when we get there). I think for me, it's the arcade-style points system that gives this game such a questionable feel, but then again, I also started with MM2 and MM3, so I wasn't use to the idea that Mega Man should be based around points as opposed to just an overall victory. And really, that's where the difficulty presents itself, but the thing is, when it first came out, I have to assume that this faux difficulty didn't really exist since no one was even introduced to the concept of all enemies dropping energy pellets of one sort or another. Other than that, I can't figure out why people whine so much about how hard this game is. To me, there were three, maybe four distinct situations that proved hair-raising: Fire Man, Elec Man, Yellow Devil and maybe the lift section of Guts Man's stage. However, if I played Mega Man games the way most people do and actually use the special weapons (that's right, I use the M-Buster on everything unless absolutely required - ie, Wily in MM2. Why? It just presents an additional challenge that I've always enjoyed.), then Fire Man and Elec Man wouldn't even make the list. So then, there we have it - Yellow Devil, you are my bane. And is he ever too. He was so much easier in MM3.

Still, hopes dashed, it's still a good game, and a classic shooting platformer to boot. Besides, it started one of the best video game franchises out there. So...there you go.

Oh, and lest we forget: Cut Man, for your enjoyment - go!

Nano-rant:

From my experience, it's completely feasible to do all of the bosses without taking a hit, but what the hell is up with Fire Man!? His attack sucks balls!!

Rating: 3.5 Metools out of 5

PS3 - God of War 2 (from GoW Collection)

Haiku Review: 

Series improving.
More of the same. Wait...did I
just kill every god?

Additional Comments:

I forgot to add this to the blog after I wrote the review for the first God of War game. I bought the God of War Collection game which has the first two with improved graphics and other little extras. As a whole, I think I like the series somewhat, but it doesn't blow me away. I do really enjoy the greek mythos explored in these games, and the gameplay and presentation is pretty tight, but I really have to say it again: I hate puzzles in action games. I understand that's it's thing and I'll never be able to get away from it in any of the other GoW games, but still. I'd rather just skip the puzzles and go straight to the slicin' and dicin' of skeletons and such. Or even progress the story some! Maybe it's just the adult tone that makes me hate the puzzles so much, because I like puzzle games, and I even don't mind puzzles in the Zelda games. But in this series, it just seems...unimportant.

Other than that, this game is really fun. In any Xbox or PS3 game, I always try to get as many of the achievements or trophies as I can, and I came pretty close, but there are some that I just can't do. The challenges at the end of the game are especially tough, and I got close to beating the challenges on the first game, only to mess up and thus rage quit. The action is typical GoW fare, mindless, button-mashing awesomeness. The story is pretty cool, though I think I just killed almost every god. So I'm not sure who's left to kill in the third game. The new weapons are awesome and all serve an important role. Some of the extras in the game are kind of strange. Of particular note is the feature to wins new skins for Kratos, the silliest being a fish suit--or the, I kid you not, "Cod of War" *chuckles*.  *ahem*

Nano-rant:

Puzzles. Ugh.  *facepalm*

Rating: 3.5 random boobs out of 5

SMS - R-Type

Haiku Review:

So many bullets!
Rage quit once. Here's my tip: don't
die. Not even ONCE.

Additional Comments:

This was kind of a silly game to play, just because I really never wanted to play it until we started Beat All Games. I had heard of the R-type games, and was familiar with the SNES version, but I don't think I ever played Super R-type during the SNES era. But when I played, beat, and reviewed Super R-type for the blog, we got an amazing response from people all over the world! So, I learned one thing after playing the series: apparently the world is concerned with R-type. Though I'm not sure why.

As a curtain shooter, it's exactly what you'd expect. Space ships, bullets, power-ups, bullets, bad guys, bullets, bullets, and bullets. Also, IGN ranked this game as #7 on their Top Ten of hardest games to beat. And, man, it's tough. You pretty much have to stay alive the entire game in order to beat it, because if you die just once, you're thrown back into the fray powerless, without any gun power-ups, that extra gun-ship thingy, and you're slow as balls. That wouldn't be all that bad if the game didn't still throw everything at you at once. Man. I don't know how I beat this game, but I did it. Phew!  Game beaten. Barely.

Nano-rant:

Did I mention don't die?????????

Rating: 3 non-essential laser beams out of 5

PC - Shannara

Haiku-Review:

point and click your way
through another cliché tale
care of Terry Brooks

Additional Comments:

Having grown up purely on console gaming, I sort of missed out completely on the PC world of gaming. I could probably count the number of computer games I've played since my childhood on a single hand - seriously. Let's see: Zork, King's Quest (not sure which one), Zany Golf, Morrowind, and um...Civilization. I'm not even kidding. However, it seems as though so many of my friends enjoyed the PC world - but did I really miss out on anything? Yea, there's some PC games out there I'd love to play, but really when it comes down to it, the PC world of gaming has just never looked as impressive to me.

Well, a friend of mine recently got back into a number of old DOS games and told me I should check out Shannara. Already having reservations based purely on the fact that it's called Shannara - dare I even bother with anything that has that hack's name attached to it? Fuck it, why not? Truthfully, I was curious as I had never played one of these VGA-based point n' click adventure games other than what vague memories I still held from one of the old King's Quest games. Amazingly, I was pleasantly surprised. The game was rather enjoyable, although I can see the game retaining no replay value whatsoever. Reason being, it is so ingrained in the most convoluted puzzles; the first time around they are such a headache, yet entertaining enough to figure out, but once you learn the solutions, you could probably plow through the entire game in 20 minutes.

Knowing little of PC games, I really can't properly compare graphics, although I do think they were well drawn. The music is likely the real highlight of the game. I just love listening to the opening theme, and I never thought I'd say such a thing regarding anything with the name Shannara attached to it. Heh... The likelihood of me finding any music to showcase is pretty slim though, so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

Remarkably, I really have nothing bad to say about the game - although I could go days on end about Terry Brooks and his cliché, fantasy muck-ups. I do have this to say though: because of this game, I now know how to properly pronounce Shannara. And I know I can put that to plenty of good use. [/sarcasm]

Nano-rant:

I still don't have a fucking clue how to pronounce Wolfsktaag!!

Rating: 3 Elfstones out of 5

TG16 - Magical Chase

Haiku-Review:

fabulous curtain
shooter proves the TG's worth -
damn, rough kicked my ass

Additional Comments:

I think growing up, I got to play on a TurboGrafx-16 two, maybe three times over at a friend's house. Other than Bonk's Adventure, I really can't recall what I might have played on those rare but special occasions. Well, having always wanted to revisit the system, I came across this gem of a game. Now, I'm not the biggest fan of curtain shooters, although the Touhou series has certainly turned my opinion around, but this game is freakin' incredible. I think this is hands down, one of the funnest games I've ever played (yea, that's right, the enjoyment level was high enough that I dared the word "funnest"). When I first started playing this game, I just couldn't put it down. And now, well it sucks that I'm completely done with it, because I still want to go back and play it, but alas, I must move on to new games.

What really grabbed me about this game, considering my normal distaste of shooters, is that it didn't stumble into the typical pitfalls befouling normal shooters regarding game environments: either deep space or the Pacific Theater. Instead, you're a witch flying around on a broom, which in a sense, much like the Touhou series, has that certain Japanese aesthetic - although, yea, all of the enemies are just as absurd as any other shooter, if not more so. On top of that, the levels and included gimmicks, if applicable, are all just beautifully done, and a lot of it, in a strange way, made me think of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 or Sonic & Knuckles (think Sky Chase or Flying Battery Zones).

The music in the game is decent, nothing really memorable. Besides, if it is memorable, you don't even really pick up on it since, like in most shooters, you're just spamming bullets the whole time which sort of overpowers the music. But nevertheless, a tune: Second Seal.

Final thought: this is one of those games that rather disheartens me that NEC didn't manage more of a dent in the US market than it did because this game deserves far more recognition than it's mustered to date.

Rating: 5 brooms out of 5

XB360 - Gears of War

Haiku Review: 

Lots of bugs(?) to kill,
mindless, needless, violence,
space(?) marines = awesome.

Additional Comments:

I think that it is generally agreed, and rightly so, that Gears of War and its sequel(s) are games that every gamer needs to play. Especially if you own an Xbox. Really, it's not that this is one of the best games ever (it's not), but that the presentation of Gears is so polished that this is how every game needs to look and feel. The story is nothing special. You've seen and heard it before. Bug-like aliens have invaded Earth or some other home world, and it's up to the gruffest, meanest, rootin'-tootinest space marines to get the job done. Which means you'll be blowin' their alien brains out. What really amazes me the most is that there is so little story here, I still don't know what's going on--and I just beat the game. Granted this isn't the type of thing most gamers would love for this type of game (and I honestly think that this game appeals to the most basest of caveman instincts in us men, which usually means that douchebags LOVE this game), but a little more explanation here and there would be helpful. Especially since there is a Gears of War 2 and a forthcoming 3, and the story continues into those games. Essentially this game is something you've already played before. If you've played Resistance or Resistance 2 or Killzone 2, it's almost just like those. But the presentation of this game is just awesome. And the gameplay is still very fun and enjoyable. The multiplayer is decent, with cool maps and all the usual multiplayer modes or variations of the modes. And I can't say enough about how great this game looks, and it's been out for several years now. The Unreal engine is simply the best-looking game engine out there, bar none. Man, I now I need to get the sequel!

Additional Additional Comments:

I forgot to mention that the I played this on Hardcore mode, which for a normal game, is challenging but isn't frustrating. But on this game, Hardcore is brutal. I have no idea how someone can even attempt Insane mode. I think the most frustrating part of Hardcore mode was that the game saves far fewer than I really needed and I had to replay long stretches of the game upward of ten times in a row. That aside, I really liked this game just for awesome action. This is a cover shooter in third person, and the cover mechanics are really great. And needed. You really can't run-and-gun this game unless you want to die repeatedly. But I don't want it to sound like I'm picking this game apart. There are some issues here and there, and the story is...cliche to say the least, and if you play this on casual mode, you can breeze through this game in just a couple of days, but this game is just so awesome to play. The presentation and looks and controls are just there, man.

Nano-rant Review:

Why the heck is there always a commanding officer with a Texan accent?!!!!!!!!!!!!  ANNOYING!!!

Rating: 3.5 lost saves out of 5

Wii - New Super Mario Bros. Wii

Haiku-Review:

face gimmicks galore
in this platforming beast: cheers,
NSMB Wii!!

Additional Comments:

So long I had waited for this game, only to be teased by an original release to the DS. Dammit, what is it with Nintendo pushing all of their best platformers onto their handheld consoles? At the time, I was so furious that after years without a platform based game, when Nintendo finally comes out with one, that's what they present it on. And truthfully, I'm still furious that they continue to do so. Yea, maybe I could buy a DS, or even worse, the gimmicky 3DS that's coming out, but I shouldn't have to. There should be a way that handheld games can be ported to the main console - but, whatever, that's a whole other argument that I could go on and on about.

NSMB Wii - Hot Damn!! This game freakin' rocks. Each level feels so different from the last, and there is stuff packed into this game that continually made my jaw drop all the way up until the very end. Really, I hate to have to say anything disheartening about this game, but there are some issues I have with it. One, though minor, and you do get use to it - the NSMB style physics feel so loose to the point where it makes pit jumping all the more dangerous. Of course, over time, like any game, it becomes second nature, but being so ingrained in the SMW style physics (which in my opinion are some of the best platforming physics out there), it's pretty damn tricky to use. Secondly, as awesome as this game is, I think they could have done so much more but sacrificed a lot to be able to allow the 4-player co-op. Yea, the idea is cool, but the further I got into the game, the less likely the idea of 4-play co-op seemed feasible or even desirable. I just can't imagine doing some of the late-world levels using co-op mode.

Other than that, and maybe a few other minor grumbles, this game was just beautifully done, and from what I've seen and played of the DS NSMB, a definite improvement - though it may not necessary look like such. I also got a good sense of replay value from this game - like most good Mario platformers, and didn't mind having to replay levels time and again to collect the necessary Star Coins for 100% completion.

As far as music, hmm...  The music in the game is good: Volcano Theme for one, but there's something about it that keeps it a stone's throw from amazing or even slightly amazing. Unlike the music found in almost every other Mario game, the music here just doesn't seem to grab you. There's really nothing that's standout memorable. Yea, when I played the game, I thought the music was great, but as soon as I walked away from the game, it's as though the music just completely slipped my memory and succumbed to some sort of vacuum of mediocre melodies. Also, despite the clever and appreciative effect in-game, out of context, the choir stabs are just annoying.

Nano-rant:

Fuck you, World 9-7!!!

Rating: 4 Penguin Suits out of 5

SNES - Chrono Trigger

Haiku-Review:

an RPG with
time-travel; a frog swordsman -
CT for the win!!

Additional Comments:

This is the fourth time I've attempted this game, and finally I made it all the way through. Why four times? Was the game too hard? No. For an answer, let's look back at a quote from SMRPG.

"Although, at the time, I only played up through Nimbus Land and then quit playing - as I typically do with RPG's especially Square-Enix RPG's due to the repetitive nature of their games."

Ok, it's true that for a Square game, Chrono Trigger is not anywhere near as repetitive as other Square games, mostly due to the fact, in my opinion, that it uses more of an action/adventure gameplay element, while still retaining turn-based monster battles. But nevertheless, for me, turn-based monster battles become repetitive, and so for the first three tries - game over.

Well, here it is a fourth time, and finally I pushed my way through to the end. Despite my turn-based gripes, the game is fantastic. The story is fantastic, the graphics are fantastic, the music is fantastic (case in point: Zeal Palace) - even the twisting of the time fabric by accomplishing all of the side quests is well done. All in all, this is probably one of the best games ever made for the SNES. Oh, and did someone say multiple endings? Yup, it's got that too.

Now then, all my praise aside, let me go on to say why this game pisses me off to no end. Oh, and Spoiler Alert: I'm taking the "nano" out of "nano-rant".

Nano-rant:

It saddens me that so many Square games piss me off, and all for the same reasons. Now, I already discussed Square's want to create end bosses that have 10 million hitpoints in SMRPG's rant, so I'm not going to talk about that here. Instead, I want to talk about Square's other enjoyment when it comes to end bosses: gauntlets and multiple forms. Ok, anyone who's played an RPG knows that the end of the game is going to throw everything it can at you, and that's fine. Yea, gauntlets and multiple forms are to be expected. But Chrono Trigger, on the other hand, appears to have taken both of these concepts to a whole new level.

Before I really get into it, let me say this: I'm not complaining because of any difficulty concerning Lavos or even Lavos Core - in fact, for end bosses, despite the usage of bullshit techniques and exponential hitpoint ratios in their favor, they were pretty easy, especially once you figured out exactly what you needed to do. Also, I should state that my rage would probably be halved if I decided to finish the game through the Bucket Warp or perhaps even through 1999, but instead I chose to dare the Black Omen, mostly because I wanted to see as much of the game as possible. If I chose the aforementioned paths as opposed to the Black Omen, yea, I'd only have to face Lavos (and his ten million impersonations - ok, maybe technically it's just one form) and Lavos Core. However, trudge through Black Omen and then Lavos - forget about it....  Talk about a serious gauntlet of bosses - this is fucking insane!!! Really, like I said, it's not so much Lavos alone, but the combined efforts of the Black Omen plus Lavos that really got me riled up. Come on, Queen Zeal, is there any form you can't take!? Truthfully, I think I threw more f-bombs at her than I did at Lavos/Lavos Core - although Lavos Core did cause a bit of a fit with a Spell/Crying Heavens combination that immediately killed my party after a long 20-30 minutes into the battle and having already taken a good 25,000 hitpoints off the Right Bit. #%$@!

An additional beef I have with this whole gauntlet/multiple forms technique often employed by Square is the letting up of hopes that you've beaten the game. It just never ends! Are you sure you've put enough bosses in there? How about a few more? Why not? It's like watching the movie Das Boot, which is a great freakin' movie, don't get me wrong, but you keep asking yourself "How can it get any worse than where we're at right now?" Oh, but it does - and does it ever....

Chrono Trigger - I both love and hate you at the same time. Congrats!!

Rating: 4 endings out of 5

SNES - Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island

Haiku Review:

The best boss battles!
Yoshi!!!  Thus begins babies
in Mariokart.   :-/

Additional Comments:

When I first played this game, I was pretty young. Probably just beginning middle school, still playing new games on the SNES. When I saw the title "Super Mario World 2," I think I may have wet my pants, because that was one of my favorite games of all time--still is. But my hopes were dashed when I realized that this really wasn't another Mario game. This was a new Nintendo game set in the Mario world, but not Mario World (*confusing*). I think at that time, my brother and I rushed through the game in one weekend and made fun of it the rest of our lives for having babies in it. We were a little bitter.

Then one day I hear that Sir Iain loves this game. Whaaaat? I thought, Is he out of his effin mind?!  Did we play the same game? 

So I gave it another shot, giving it the benefit of the doubt. And, lo and behold, I was blown away!  This is a great game!  Granted, you have to see this game as just another Nintendo game and not a Mario game to not get your hopes up, but it's still a great game! The music is classic Nintendo, the imagination is all there, the levels are freakin' amazing, and the boss battles are some of the best in any Mario/Nintendo game I've ever played. I love the collection aspect of it. You snag the eight red coins, grab five smileyface flowers, and make sure you have have thirty stars. My only gripes about this game--besides the fact that they wrongfully capitalized on the Mario name--was that there's no point in doing a hundred percent in this game. Sure, you get extra levels, but, man, those extra levels are brutal. After getting those...nuthin'. Plus, as I alluded to in my haiku review, this game started a bad trend in Mario Kart games where they felt the need to add babies as additional lightweight drivers. After baby Mario and Luigi, I don't see why they felt the need to add baby peach(?). Nevertheless, I'm converted. This game is dabomb.com.

Nano-rant Review:

I STILL WANT TO BEAT WORLD 2 EXTRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  TOO HARD!!!!!!

Rating: 5 speckled eggs out 5

NES - Double Dragon

Haiku-Review:

classic beat 'em up
that still will entertain, just
don't forget the doors

Additional Comments:

I recall my cousins (I believe) owning this game growing up, and it always made for some thrilling NES action. What was it about beat 'em ups on the NES? They just came at you from every direction with non-stop action unlike other NES games, and it was awesome.

Now, I haven't played anything in the Double Dragon series in god knows how long, so coming back around and replaying this classic, I was rather blindsided by a couple things. Truthfully, I'm shocked that I've forgotten that much in this game. Of course, I remembered a few basics such as avoiding Chin's boss battle by going back down the ladder, but I have to say that I now wear the badge of idiocy having forgotten that Mission 3 will endlessly loop - and you would think I would have learned my lesson in Area 1. Nope.

*facepalm*

Now, one thing I always found rather peculiar about this game: what the heck is going on with Linda's hair? Granted this game was made in the 80s, but still. Anyways, the game has some great music and it's hard to decide on a good theme to showcase. Missions 1-3 all have fantastic tunes, but I think I'm just going to take the easy route and post the Main Title.

Nano-rant:

I actually looped Mission 3.1 three times before I realized what the fuck you were supposed to do. What the hell, man!?

Rating: 2.5 jumpkicks out of 5

SMS - Sonic the Hedgehog

Haiku-Review:

emeralds in the
open and Scrap Brain - a maze?
oh, absent Spin Dash

Additional Comments:

First, let me start by stating that the Sonic series, in my eyes, is the best platforming franchise ever - period! Unfortunately, the series got all mucked up after Sonic CD as it too attempted the 3D revolution. Sigh. And so it goes. Anyways, having grown up on the 16-bit masterpieces, I never actually played any of the 8-bit predecessors - well, mostly because I never even knew about the Master System way back when (don't know how that system managed to slip by me.  Perhaps like every other kid, I was so tied up with the glory of the NES), and when I finally did come to know of the system, well I couldn't get my hands on one. But, like I said, having grown up on the 16-bit version, it's sort of strange to take a step backwards into the past and play this one through.

My haiku reveals all of the oddities that quickly stuck out to me - granted the Spin Dash didn't show up until Sonic 2, but still, it feels so strange to play without that ability. It's like playing the early Mega Man games before the slide technique was implemented (or even Mega Man 9 - what the heck, man!?). I actually had to play through this game twice since the concept of the Chaos Emeralds being placed right out in the open really threw me for a loop. I felt stupid that I just blasted past them all so willy-nilly, but of course, I didn't expect them to be in plain view either.

Nevertheless, the game is fantastic. Yea, it doesn't compare to its 16-bit brother, but that's not the point. The point is that this game really showcases what an 8-bit game is capable of when pushed to the limits, and it's pretty damn impressive.

Oh, and last but not least, we need some music, and much like my statement regarding the franchise as tops in platforming, so too was it in music. The 8-bit/16-bit Sonic games had some of the best soundtracks around. So, here you go, the charming sounds of Bridge Zone.

Rating: 3.5 Chaos Emeralds out of 5

There's Nano Way About It

It seems my grasp of "nano" is grossly inaccurate as my rants grow larger and larger with each beaten game bringing me only further and further frustration. But, who cares and what do I have to fear - the wrath of grammarians? Pshaw!!

SNES - Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars

Haiku-Review:

giant swords and forge
lords can best be defeated
with Bowser on board.

Additional Comments:

When this game first came out, I remember seeing commercials for it and thought that it looked amazing. However, I foolishly followed the advice of friends that the game sucked and so I never played it. Fast forward many years: I finally did play it, and I loved it. Although, at the time, I only played up through Nimbus Land and then quit playing - as I typically do with RPG's especially Square-Enix RPG's due to the repetitive nature of their games.  Then, under the guise of Beat All Games, I decided to give this game a go once again, this time, obviously, finishing it.

First off, the game is flat out awesome and basically opened the doors for one of my personal favorites in the Mario universe: the Paper Mario series. The idea of combining the Mario canon into an RPG style game just seems to work so well. On top of that, Square did a great job in keeping with the Mario universe and only mildly deviating with the likes of new creatures - most all of which seem fairly believable that they could potentially have appeared in prior Mario titles to begin with.

And I can't lend praise without mentioning the graphics or the music. The graphics were just beautifully drawn, especially when it came to the towns and each and every character/enemy design. Although, despite everyone's contention regarding Geno, I always thought he looked a little weird. Besides, I never liked using him anyways, preferring a group of Mario, Bowser & Peach (at least, that was my preferred group for Boss Battles). But enough of that, let's talk music. It seems that it is impossible for Square to make a game that doesn't have an amazing soundtrack. Now, for most, I would suspect that Forest Maze would be top choice in song picks, but I'm going to have to go in a different direction, skipping world themes altogether. One of my personal fave tracks, the Boss Battle Theme. This song makes me wish all of the normal battles had this theme instead of the rather bland track they do have (which I think is one of the weakest tracks in the game, and it just sucks that you have to hear it so much).

Nano-rant:

Wait, seriously? Yea, there's some shit that thoroughly pissed me off, but the one I really want to talk about is Square's belief that bosses, especially end bosses, all need to have 10 million hitpoints. Why!? All this does is create two unnerving situations.

One: latter game boss battles take way to goddamn long to do, so long that they just become boring, which in turn makes the game boring, which is exactly the reason why I typically stop playing Square-Enix RPG games - they become fucking repetitive and BORING!!

Two: it typically creates the situation where you absolutely have to use one of your characters for nothing but heals because the fight stretches on for so damn long. And then, which this is a biggie targeted directly at Super Mario RPG as opposed to common Square games, you can only carry a limited stock of supplies, causing you to use up all of your items in a heartbeat, especially in battles that take a minimum of 30 minutes to accomplish. But, for all you nay-sayers who questioned my use of Peach, especially in boss battles, now you know why, item-usage prevention.

Really what it comes down to is, as much as I love this game, the final world is so jacked that it nearly brought down my entire opinion of the game, and that's not good.

Rating: 4 Flower Tabs out of 5