This One Goes to Eleven

Another year come and gone yet only 34 games pounded into submission. That's only two more than last year! And "last year" was only five months long in regards to Beat All Games! Good grief.... I'd hope for more come 2012, but I already tried that last year and you can see the results. Perhaps I should just ring in 2012 as a hopeful year of gaming disasters. Huzzah!!

Well, with another year gone, it's time to reflect on the past 365 days of games beaten and see which of those stayed on my good side. Honestly, despite such a small list, or perhaps a result thereof, I had a tough time coming up with this year's list of solid performances. I found it unfortunate that I couldn't manage to squeeze a few more titles in there that were definitely deserving of top honors. With the amount of fantastic games I played over the past year, what do you expect? Again, this is a list showcasing those titles that really grabbed me and/or I'd go back and play in a heartbeat due to their unbelievable fun factor and replayability. Previously marked ratings really have no bearing here.

11. Sunset Riders
-While it's by no means a great game, it's one of those rare games that's just a hell of a lot of fun to play and has that classic Konami feel to it.

10. StarTropics
-Sure, it could be touted as the lesser known cousin of the original Legend of Zelda, but there's always been something indefinably enjoyable about this game, despite it's various shortcomings in comparison to the former.

9. Final Fantasy
-Merely for the fact that this game made my opinion of RPG's perform a complete 180°, and that's including my sour predisposition towards turn-based battle systems thanks to Final Fantasy IV (or FFII for those who are still stuck in the foolhardy US interpretation of the FF series), this game easily garnishes a win.

8. Disney's Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers
-Yes, it's an incredibly easy and simple game, but it's also a whole lot of fun, and along with DuckTales, Chip n' Dale showcases the topnotch gameplay produced by the marriage of Capcom and Disney during the late '80s/early '90s.

7. ToeJam & Earl
-Anytime a game offers randomized level design is a win in my book, and while I'm not the biggest fan of multiplayer in video gaming, this game nails the concept so perfectly that it always makes me wish I had a compatriot around whenever I fire it up.

6. The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
-To me, this game is very much an anomaly in the Zelda franchise, which can be both a good and bad thing, but it's distinct LttP style and somewhat questionable approach to common Zelda devices quickly made it one of my favorites among the various Zelda titles.

5. Mega Man 2
-It's not my all-time favorite Mega Man title - just barely squeaked out by Mega Man 3 - but it's by far the most approachable title in the series, clearly defining the groundwork for the Mega Man franchise.

4. Blazing Lazers
-For someone who's never been the biggest fan of STG's, I've been finding some real gems on the TurboGrafx that have made me rethink the genre as a whole and just like Magical Chase, this game was just pure fun all the way to the end.

3. Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken
-I don't know if it's the clever usage of incredibly simplistic, yet thoroughly enjoyable level design, or the fact that it's so aesthetically unique compared to typical stateside platformers of the day, but this game managed to grab me unlike any other SNES platformer has.

2. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
-The Zelda franchise as a whole is a terrific gift to games, but there's something wholly special about A Link to the Past - perhaps because, in my opinion, it's the most creatively designed of the series, or perhaps it's because it's sort of the "Last of the V8's," if you will, before the 3D revolution took over (disregarding the handheld titles).

1. VVVVVV
-There's not a whole lot I can say other than this is hands down one of the best games I've ever played, well...ever.

NES - Super Mario Bros. 2

Haiku-Review:

gone are the Koopas,
Goombas, more - herewith justice
by vegetables thrown

Additional Comments:

Crazy Nintendo, we want kids to embrace vegetables, not throw them at warty toads. Ah well...

I've always been torn over this game, and I imagine that's how most people feel - or so I'd like to imagine. I know there's a lot of general disgust over this game, but at the same time I know there are people who enjoy its quirky departure from traditionalist Mario. When you think about it, it's a tad humorous to discredit the game over Mario purism since there was really only one Mario Bros. title before this one (discounting Mario Bros. itself), so the idea of a traditional format sort of falls on deaf ears. It's eerily similar to the constant downplay of Zelda II because of how different that game is from the first. So what? You can't lay down the law of tradition after a single title anyway. That's just absurd. (Or can you? After all, it seems I've found myself locked in a tradition of posting Mario titles on Christmas Day.)

Ok, the loss of what we came to embrace in the first game was tough. Everything that was carried over from SMB1 could probably be counted on one hand - maybe two. Let's see: Mario, Luigi, Peach (er, Princess), Toad, and then you've got your Mushroom, Star and a shoddy facsimile of a Koopa shell, (It doesn't ricochet? Bullshit!!). Anything else? Maybe, but nothing I can readily think of off the top of my head. But you know, I think that's where the game made missteps. It's one thing to break "tradition," but to wipe the slate clean? That's where you run into trouble. Heck, even Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. have more in common with each other than this followup to Nintendo's smash hit of '86, and those two games are worlds apart.

Let's disregard the fact that what we're actually dealing with here is a slipshod reskin of a widely unknown Famicon title called Yume Koujou Doki Doki Panic - although once it was leaked that the States got shafted when it came to SMB2, Doki Doki Panic became a household name among gamers. From a purely "Mario" point of view, we're not just presented with a whole new game, but we're stripped of nearly anything and everything that's even remotely Mario related. While the case can easily be argued that it's not that big of a deal, removing any sense of familiarity can skew an opinion quickly. Sure, it has Mario, but am I really playing Mario? I don't know.

To embellish on a few of the nuances that make this game so incredibly different, let's see what we're dealing with. First, we have a whole new roster of enemies. New enemies are nothing to complain about, in fact most anyone will relish new foes to battle, but to completely sack the original lineup is ridiculous. I know that wasn't with purposeful intent on the programmers' part, but again, I'm disregarding that we're actually dealing with a reskin here. The wrath of the Koopas are nothing more than a distant memory. Instead, Mario must contend with strange, masked creatures, really pissed-off sets of floating masks that are way too overprotective of their keys, some cute little porcupines, a bomb-throwing mouse and an egg-spitting...uh...what is Birdo supposed to be anyway? And presiding over them all is a huge toad that has a nasty derision towards vegetables, yet for some reason has decided to build a machine that manufactures vegetables right inside his lair. Not sure what that's all about.

Next up, we are given a choice of four characters to use for each level. Four? But there's only Mario and Luigi? Yea, somehow Peach and Toad joined in on the action too. And so started the abominable idea of Toad as a playable character - all thanks to a game that's not even a Mario game to begin with. Ugh. So not only do we have four characters to choose from, each one of them has their own unique physics - hint, they all suck. Ok, Peach's float ability is pretty cool, but honestly, every time I've played this game, I've only ever used Mario. But there's more. Not only are we given new jump physics, but we have an overall revised moveset which sort of ties in with my next subject of change: powerups.

Gone is the ability to torch our foes with an onslaught of fireballs. Instead, Mario's decided to fight dirty, throwing anything he can get his hands on, which unfortunately seems to be a vast field of leeks and pumpkins. Sigh. Nothing says danger like a handful of vegetables. SMB2's remaining stock of powerups isn't all that more tantalizing. Save our old friend, the invincibility star, there's a timer and a mushroom that serves little to no purpose - yea, it increases health which is important, but the whole small/big thing is lost in translation. Seriously, is there even an advantage to small Mario's 16x16 hitbox? Is it even 16x16, because it sure as hell doesn't seem to be? I just kept getting creamed by Birdo's egg no matter what - ducks for nothing!!!

I could go on and on listing differences, but I think I made my point. For me, there's too much of a departure from the first game. Going back to Zelda II, while the prominent action-based scenes dumped the top-down view - which threw everyone up in arms - the world and denizens of Hyrule followed suit with those of the previous title. Enemies like Octorok, Leever, Stalfos, and Armos still gave Link the runaround as he tried to navigate the fantastical countryside and maze-like dungeons. Heck, even Keese and Gel make reappearances, though under new names: Ache and Bit respectively. Other comparative features include items such as the Candle, Raft or Whistle, or even Link's hunt for additional Heart Containers. The point is, despite the radical change in format, everything was still very familiar between the two titles and like the title or not, Zelda II was still very much a Zelda game. Could I say the same for SMB2? Honestly, no, but with a but.

The reason I'm so iffy on SMB2's case is that at the time, and I distinctly remember when this game came out, the game was so wildly different that there was a real inherent risk in purchasing it. Who wants a Mario game that is obviously not a Mario game? I never acquired the game as a kid - I didn't want it. I recall playing it once at a friend's house and clearly disliking it. However, as the years have passed, Nintendo desperately tried to mask their mistake by slowly integrating SMB2 content into later titles. Pokey, Bob-omb, and even Shy Guy eventually found their way into other Mario titles. Birdo's in nearly every non-platforming Mario title, most notably the Mario Kart series. And I really think that helped save the sinking ship that was SMB2. Nintendo found a way to make SMB2 feel at home among the Mario-verse, and I'm glad they did. Yea, I didn't like the game as a kid, but over the years it has grown on me. It still isn't one of the better Mario titles in my opinion, but it has its merits and is a lot of fun to sit down with every now and then. What's more, I'd rather play this SMB2 than the Japanese SMB2 any day of the week. I think the best way to put it is as a Mario game, it's mediocre at best, but as a generic platformer, it's fantastic. It's got everything you need for a great platformer, but nothing you want for a good Mario platformer, even after all the sneaky integration over the years.

There is one thing this game did nail as a Mario game though, despite its roots residing elsewhere. The music was catchy and memorable, just like any good Mario music of yore. The NES Mario trifecta pulled this off without fault. The songs in each of these titles are clearly unmistakable, and just like SMB1 and SMB3, I can likely hum some of SMB2's melodies at the drop of a hat, especially Character Select, Overworld, and perhaps even Underworld if you catch me on a good day.

So, in the end, while Yume Koujou Doki Doki Panic selflessly lent itself as a model for what was at the time a terrible Mario game, there was a lot of good that managed to come out of it as well. Who would have thought that some obscure Famicon title would manage to push and develop the Mario franchise, especially when there was no real intent of continuity behind the title - that it was nothing more than a rush job to capitalize on a lot of game-hungry children who were already head-over-heels over the first SMB title and rake in the dough. Funny, isn't it?

Rating: 3.5 rocket ships out of 5

Flash - Don't Shit Your Pants

Haiku-Review:

a practical slant
on one of life's dilemmas -
pray, don't shit your pants

Additional Comments:

While 99.9% of all Flash games out there just don't deserve the time of day - at least in long-winded, commentary prone to dissect every aspect of the game, there are those rare gems and oddities that make you crook an eyebrow and say to yourself, "Hold on. What's this?" Flash games for the most part are juvenile time-killers that may potentially pack in a whole lot of fun in a neat (well, maybe neat's not the best adjective) little package or even a barrel of laughs if you're lucky. For me, Don't Shit Your Pants has fun, laughs, and the ability to move eyebrows. I remember Sven told me about the game over the phone and I was already laughing just listening to his own take-away. Shortly thereafter, I headed on over to Kongregate and checked it out myself.

Ok, the game is absolute stupidity all the way through to its very core, but it's also fabulous in its presentation and execution. From the incredibly poor Microsoft Paint graphics to the fact that your trying to hammer in commands while the timer counts down to impending doom, you can't help but not laugh and enjoy the experience. It's so easy to hate and love at the same time. Everything about it barks "I'm a shitty game," yet it teeters on that fine line that screams "Play me," despite its obvious crudeness, ugly presentation, and total lack of gameplay, even for a text-based adventure game.

There's a certain something about this game, much like Super Press Space To Win Adventure RPG 2009, that makes it stand out above other banal Flash excursions into gaming. I could say it's the concept of "simplify, simplify," but there's more to it than that. I think it's the fact that it plays on the absurdity of what a simple game is or could be, even in a text-based format which is about as basic as you can get. In a time when game designers continually push to make the most complex, convoluted gaming worlds that they can possibly think up, here we are presented with a simple screenshot of a man, a door, and a very real problem. He's crowning and there's only one solution. Actually, there's ten, but they all pretty much result in the same steamy achievement.

Nano-Win:

Any game where you can lose, er...win before you even start is a-ok in my book.

Rating: 4 pairs of soiled pants out of 5

NES - Final Fantasy

Haiku-Review:

forth Light Warriors!
on an epic, Final quest -
er, "Final"...not so

Additional Comments:

Where do I even begin with Final Fantasy. Hmm, having a mixed relationship over the years of turn-based RPG's, or hell, RPG's in general, it's hard to say. As I've stated ad nauseum, RPG's were never my thing as a kid. For me, it was all about side-scrolling, platforming action; crude road and track arcade-style racers and brain-busting puzzlers. I distinctly recall my first encounter with a turn-based RPG: Final Fantasy IV, or as those of us in the States have always known it: Final Fantasy II. A friend of mine and I had swapped systems for a week - he took on my SNES while I got to bask in the glory of the Genesis. I remember he rented FFIV...er, FFII during that time and he wanted to show the game off to me. While I guess I could say it was mildly intriguing, I was grossly turned off by the battle system. Now, outside of early text-based computer adventure games - the likes of Zork - I was damn near oblivious to RPG's at the time and unfortunately Final Fantasy IV...er, II left a sour taste in my mouth. Unfortunate being a key word here because the game didn't only disparage my view of the "great" Final Fantasy franchise, but of RPG's as a whole and I don't remember picking up any kind of RPG again until the late 90s/early 2000s when I began to mull over a number of recommended SNES titles. Otherwise, it was back to text-based MUDs like Medievia or the then-new MMORPG world of Ultima Online. I also recall watching footage of what I believe was Final Fantasy VIII at a friend's house. I was genuinely curious to see what had become of the franchise since my last encounter so many years before. Bleaggh!!! Final Fantasy, let it be known that you and I just don't get along.

And again, like so many other games, that was then and this is now. Truth be known, during a period in the early 2000s when I started collecting a number of NES cartridges, I picked up a copy of Final Fantasy, more so out of respect for those titles that could be tipped as classics of the 8-bit era. And while I had little to no desire to play the game, I popped it into my NES and lo and behold, I was hooked. After sitting on hot coals for so many years, a fury burning over turned-based fighting, I was loving this game, so much so that I couldn't stop playing - even with the amount of mind-numbing grinding that I had to put in. I remember long nights going on for a few weeks hacking away at nothing but Trolls, Giants and Pedes, desperately trying to achieve a comfortable enough level to once and for all tackle the ills of Gurgu Volcano. Ugh, the pains of point-based RPG's. For as long as VG-based RPG's have existed, I can only assume it's a natural side effect that everyone has just come to accept no matter how many complaints the system registers. Even I, for as much as I've cursed the incredibly ridiculous concept, I've accepted that it is what it is. Besides, there's something gratifying about watching your characters' numbers slowly climb as you whack the same enemies to pieces hour after hour, day after day. Sad when you think about it, isn't it? Meh... And that's how it works - we shrug our shoulders and carry on, hoping that today is the day that we'll finally make it through the necessary dungeon, kill the boss, and retrieve the required treasure, or in this case, restore the Orbs. And if it isn't our day, back to the killing fields to slaughter some mindless spawn so that our level can increase by a solitary point. Wait, why exactly is this game fun again?

I certainly don't want to harp on the grinding process since it's such a go-to target, but it's only natural to whine. What's interesting is that while this was my third playthrough, albeit my first to completion, Gurgu Volcano still threw up its same impenetrable defenses. Every time, I'd always hit a wall when it came to character level versus dungeon level at this point in the game. With the exception of my latest playthrough, I'd have to drone on and on around the waters of Crescent Lake before I could dare the fiery inferno. The only reason I didn't suffer quite the same damnable process this time around is that I decided to take a different approach to the game. Instead of grinding all of my characters (by the way, I've always used a Fighter/Red Mage/White Mage/Black Mage setup - the Thief and Ninja, well they're just pointless to me) to a respectable level, I instead opted to kill off all my mages and plunge through as much of the game as I could using only my lone Fighter. My plan: to boost his level, and thus his Attack and Hit Points, at an exponential rate because let's face it, that guy's an unstoppable fortress of power once he starts utilizing 3x/4x attacks. And seriously, there's practically nothing other than a few rare breeds of monsters that can even manage more than a single point of damage against him. After Earth Cave, I brought my mages back on full time and managed to tackle Gurgu Volcano with so much more ease, though it still put up an arduous battle. I suppose in a way I was still grinding, but it didn't feel like grinding this time around which helped increase the overall fun factor this time through.

But what's even more interesting than Gurgu Volcano consistently giving me the bird is that the game got progressively easier thereafter. What? Well sure, after spending time building up my character(s) and filling my spellbooks and backpack, why wouldn't it? Still, I expected a steadily increasing threat as I advanced further into the game. Sure, there were some real heavy hitters like Ankylo, Gas Dragon or Sentry, but they never felt as life threatening as the first time I faced the perils of Gurgu and it's stupid maze of health-depleting lava floors and armies of Red Gargoyles. Damn, do I ever hate those things - quite possibly more than the inane Coctrice/Perilisk setups. Seriously, I have to face a multitude of these fuckers in a single round of combat; all of which have the capability to destroy any one of my heroes at the drop of a hat, be it turning someone to stone or just rubbing someone out of existence? Talk about a quality setup.

But yea, my point remains. Sea Shrine, Mirage Tower and so forth all felt like a cakewalk compared to the first half of the game. Even while trekking through the final dungeon, other than its incredible length and boss gauntlet, with the items and abilities in hand by this point, there's not much to fear. It's more of an annoyance than anything if you have to leave for any reason (low health?), and that's only because of how many floors you have to consistently revisit. And again, I can thank my items and abilities. Granted, heroes should become powerful entities as an RPG pushes on, but the ease that I could handle the worst of the worst made me question the integrity of the end game. With unlimited heals in the form of a Heal Staff and Heal Helmet, you never have to waste potions or spells, and heck, since nearly everything seems to have certain invulnerability to damn near every spell by the end of the game, I never found spell exhaustion to ever prove problematic. My Red Wizard and Black Wizard were melee fighters for the greater part of the game, and that just makes no sense - even my White Wizard when he wasn't busy using the Heal Staff. Couple the above with Exit and an airship that can literally land you on Coneria's Inn's front lawn for the cheapest lodging rates known and the amount of immediate threat is reduced to mere rubble. None of this is meant to be a complaint by any means, and certainly I embrace the notion of raw power flowing through my heroes as they're continually decked out with the strongest of weapons, magic and armor, but it is slightly discouraging that the difficulty of the game began to give way which has yet to seem the case in any of the other Final Fantasy's that I've attempted.

Of course, I could go on whining about this or that, but I think I've already at least hinted at most of my petty issues with the game. But the thing is, outside of grinding, which as I said, is pretty much inevitable in any RPG, especially turn-based RPG's, the game is fantastic. Ok, so the game is blatantly broken with some of its spells or weapons, but so what - this is the game that finally gave me faith in the RPG genre as a whole and revealed the Final Fantasy franchise as what it really is...or perhaps I should say was. Sure, I came about it a bit late in the running, but still, I'm glad I (eventually) bought this game and put forth a solid effort. I've enjoyed this game every time I've popped it in - so much so that this is easily one of my favorite NES games of all time.

And lest we forget the music? Obviously, music has always been a delight in the Final Fantasy franchise, but it's always a joy to hear how some of those songs originated, namely Prelude or Battle. But the tunes that I've always enjoyed would have to be Overworld and Sailing or perhaps even Matoya's Cave for honorable mention. Unfortunately, as great as the music is in this game, it becomes rather grating after hours of gameplay, especially the battle theme (it's funny how refreshing the overworld theme sounds after the victory march). But then, that's the limitations of the hardware we're dealing with - only so much can fit in a cartridge. Continuous gameplay will certainly sour the tunes, but take a break and come back, and classics like Sailing will never grow old.

Nano-Win, er...wait:

Is it just me or is the White Wizard giving the recently deceased the bird after every victory? What a disrespectful asshole!!

Rating: 4.5 Farmers out of 5

PC - Super Mario Bros. X: The Invasion 2

Haiku-Review:

ok, so let's see:
Mario, Luigi, and Peach -
Toad and...who's that? Link!?

Additional Comments:

I had first learned about the SMBX engine some time ago - well before redigit removed all traces from the net - but at the time, I never gave it much thought. After all, it fell into that cesspool that is known simply as "fan games." Bleaghh!! Additionally, coming from a romhacking background, I suffered from this pang of guilt that I should stick with my guns in the so-called haxors-vs-fanboys arena of war. Just more "bleaghh" if you ask me. But then, after some time had passed, I had to ask myself, who cares? A game's a game...s'a game. So I finally decided to download the engine and see what all the hubbub was about. Unfortunately, my decision couldn't have come at a worse time; coinciding with all the mystery and confusion shrouding SMBX's sudden exile from the internet. Dammit!!

But for me, the rash web of lies and intrigue strewn across a vast network of forums, blogs and other bastions of strongly opinionated remarks via posts of unconfirmed rumors, twisted and wrongly regurgitated statements supposedly sourced straight from the developer himself, and more often than not, outright flaming hatred - well, it made me all the more curious in what exactly this engine/game contained. Lucky for me, I managed to sleuth out a copy and gave the game a spin. Of course, the designer in me wanted to check out the editor first. Eh, it's...interesting...but nothing to raise an eyebrow over. Besides, I'm here to talk about the game itself and not the engine's editor, so I'll leave all of that squabble to someone else's unsolicited scrutineering.

Ok, here's the thing. This game surprised me; pleasantly at that! Yes, it has it's problems, namely the physics. They're just awful - rough grit sandpaper awful. They're supposed to resemble SMB3 physics, or so I've read and so it seems, but they're really rough around the edges which I cannot emphasize enough. I never felt confident with a lot, or really, any of my jumps, even by game's end. I was still cringing as Mario leapt into the wild blue yonder, wondering if I had built enough momentum and/or whether or not I'd be able to nail the landing. If only Mario wasn't so damn fat and purposed to be a svelte gymnastics enthusiast I might have some hope. In Super Mario Bros. 3, while the physics could be berated as jerky, I never felt uncomfortable with them - in fact, I rather liked them. I knew what my limits were and I knew what I was capable of performing, even under pressure. Here, I constantly misjudged jumps by mere inches, and no matter how much play time I put in, I just couldn't get a grasp on it. This was also an ancillary factor in why I kept with one character the entire game - Mario.

Speaking of character swaps, despite my lack or will to swap characters, I have to say that I was fairly impressed with the system. I at least tried out every character in a test run to witness the subtle and not-so-subtle differences between each of them. Of course, I've never been a big fan of playing as any other character outside of Mario, especially given that their most popularized physics are based around SMB2 - which I should mention, I rarely if ever swapped characters in that game too. Here, as expected, the extra characters retain most of their SMB2 instruction, although I think Toad plays a tad different. Honestly, I think I only put about five seconds of playtesting into Toad as I will never understand why he's ever been offered up as a playable character in any Mario game outside of the Mario Kart series or any of the Mario Party/sports-themed games. And even in those games I don't like him. And then you have Link. Huh?

Now this is an intriguing concept. Link, à la Zelda II, with the ability to turn into a fairy for a brief time and retain his various sword thrusts. I think it's a radical move to include someone from beyond the Mario universe, however purpose-built levels for Mario-style platforming just don't translate too well with Link's abilities. There's a few sub-levels here and there that seem to have been designed with Link in mind - namely any of the Zelda II level clones, but with such a small amount of tailor made levels, Link is nothing more than a tacked-on gimmick. I got the same feeling with the Metroid-based levels, but unfortunately Samus Aran wasn't a playable character. Unlike most good Mario romhacks that use alternate graphics ripped from a variety of sources such as the Metroid series, the Mega Man series, the Castlevania series etc., those games still build levels keeping in mind that Mario is the protagonist; not Samus, Mega Man or Simon Belmont. But here, it seems these out-of-the-box levels were designed with the original series' hero in mind. It's not necessarily a bad thing if the idea is to stay true to the original game's design; presenting it as a sort of culmination of the various video game worlds colliding together and not purposefully designed around our beloved plumber as if to say all worlds exist solely for one man. But it's a Mario game with Mario physics and should be designed as such...in my opinion. Fortunately though, these levels are few and far between and come as a rather accepted change of pace, so the fact that they aren't exactly built with Mario in mind is of no consequence. The only one I'd likely complain about is the palace section in The Lost Woods.

As far as the levels themselves, I thought there were some well developed ideas in there. However, there were a lot of lulls thrown in there too, especially near the end of the game. I felt like the game hit its peak with The Rawest Forest and then stretched into an uninspired plateau of design from Wet Water Zone on. The end game was a bitter disappointment compared to the first half, especially The King of Koopas. Hate to give away spoilers, but the final level was a total letdown. Sure there were a few interesting levels mixed in there to keep the panache of the preceding worlds, most notably Hardmode Tanks - what a bitch of a level by the way - but all in all, the final two worlds left me with a sour taste in my mouth as I powered my way through just hoping the game would come to a close. Unfortunately, the point at which it did, it's hard to decide if it was appropriate or not - let the game end before it dies a miserable death or try to drag it on for a bit longer praying some inspiration will hit. Meh, in this situation, it probably chose the better route. Maybe it dragged on for too long already.

Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun playing the game - far more than I expected really. Despite it's deplorable control and increasing sensation of mediocrity near the end of the game, I found enough imagination and interest throughout the game to keep me going. There was this certain feeling of "what next?" that I got that I never really experienced with any of the SMW-based romhacks. While I've seen some exemplary things come out of the romhacking world, a lot of it has also been almost...expected? Here, this vague sense of the expected is the unexpected continually pushed the game along. While there wasn't really anything I had never seen before, it still captured this ideal that I truly hadn't seen that before, and the only reason I think I can explain this is because at heart, the SMBX engine is nothing more than a fan made engine, which in my eye is low man on the totem pole in the world of gaming. If anything, this game gave me a new found appreciation for fan games - well, to at least curb my acidic disposition towards them and give them a fair chance before I criticize them with biased remarks.

Rating: 3.5 Billy Guns out of 5

Hello

Hello!
My name is Markus Cone. Recently I’ve been invited to take part in the task of beating all games!! Since the other two members on this site focus primarily on consul games, my primary focus will be computer RPG’s from the 80’s, 90’s, and early 2000’s. This does not mean that I do or will avoid reviewing consul games though. Most of my childhood was spent playing and beating numerous games on the Nintendo and Super-Nintendo gaming systems.
Perhaps I should explain a little about myself. When I’m not gaming I’m playing music. Also I when not gaming I am involved in a role-playing group that plays good ole fashioned Dungeons and Dragons!
Upcoming reviews – Icewind Dale, Morrowind, and Super Castlevania 4,

PS1 - Destruction Derby

Haiku-Review:

crude smash 'em up fun
packed in a next-gen racer -
"you've blown your engine!"

Additional Comments:

I remember when I first got my PS1, two of the first games that came into my possession were Formula 1 (which was, and still is a fantastic racing sim in my opinion - besides, it was based on the '95 season, which I'll admit didn't have the pizzazz of preceding seasons with the likes of Senna and Prost; it stirred up some fantastic battles between Benetton and Williams - oh, to see Williams in its prime again, but alas, that's all for another day) and Destruction Derby 2. Having always enjoyed racing games, I was ecstatic when I found a game based around the concept of, well...demolition derbies - reminded me of when I used to go watch Figure-8 races as a kid. Not only could I race around some interestingly designed tracks, but I could also violently ram my opponents and watch the parts fly as they spin around mercilessly. Fantastic! Of course, nowadays with franchises like Forza and Gran Turismo, car modeling couldn't look better, the racing couldn't get any better (well, it could, but I digress), and with Forza introducing crash damage; these old-timey racers are just so horribly outdated now. The graphics and 3D modeling are puke, the tracks leave much to be desired and the opponent AI is damn near absent - although, at least it's not as bad as Mario Kart AI - sheesh, talk about some awful stuff. But just like any other game of yore, those games that were great are going to continue to shine for one reason or another, no matter how much they look like a pile of crap compared to today's standards.

But then there's Destruction Derby. Based on my initial reaction to Destruction Derby 2 back in the day, I'm pretty confident that this game would have had the same effect - after all, we're talking about an overall upgrade from the measly offerings of arcade-style racers or driving sims we had available to us; stuff like Out Run, F-Zero, Virtua Racing, or heck, Super Mario Kart. Well, truth be told, none of those games are measly - they're all fantastic! Come on, Virtua Racing? I remember dropping a wealth of quarters anytime I saw one of those twin machines at an arcade. As far as driving/racing games went, that game was the bomb! Nevertheless, the next-gen consoles forever changed the world of racing games. Sure, Virtua Racing was using 3D models, but compared to some of the next-gen stuff, it was obvious that 3D was still in its infancy. To me, playing Destruction Derby today, while the game isn't the greatest (which I'll get into why in a bit), there's this real sense of control (and/or lack of), speed and realism, despite that realism being nothing more than shards of quadrilateral polygons flying across the screen compared to today's games. Of course, I haven't played Virtua Racing since the mid 90s, so my argument could be completely bogus. But I'm not here to talk about the king of arcade racing, so moving on....

I have to be honest, it's hard to admit that the game is inherently great, because compared to its sequel, it's a piece of shit. However, erasing all prior knowledge and experience of its sequel, I have to default to the game's graces. It's a game based around real pedal-to-the-metal racing, crash-based spin-those-suckers-out racing and classic arena style derbies, and it delivers on all fronts. The racing is great (although I'd have to call shenanigans on Rookie mode), and the crash 'em, smash 'em action is a blast, well almost - the arena battles can become a bore and the idea of including six rounds of the same arena in championship mode is a snooze fest. But again, this can almost be attributed to knowing how the sequel handled it. So then, are the arena championships actually a dud? Eh, I'm still gonna say yes.

Looking at the different modes, Stock Car has always been my favorite, despite the game focusing on and awarding those who perform the biggest wrecks. While Wreckin' mode is a lot of fun, I've always liked trying to cross the finish line in first while total chaos ensues around the track. In Wreckin' mode, laps and/or position just doesn't really matter and you can tank the entire race, ramming others incessantly for points. Yea, that's the point of Wreckin' mode, but it really defeats the "racing" aspect of the game that I'd like to think should still remain a part of it. But what I enjoy about Stock Car mode is that the "crash" aspect isn't negated. Everyone's still out to spin you into oblivion and you can drop from first to last at the drop of a hat if all goes wrong, but that's part of the fun. And unlike games like Mario Kart where the same scenario can have you throwing remotes and swearing at the TV, this game never instills that brand of frustration thanks to the division brackets.

The idea of divisions is another aspect I've always like about this series. Although you're racing nineteen other drivers on course, in reality, you're only racing three other drivers for championship contention at any one time. But to win the overall championship, you have to win each division and work your way up the league ladder. And to help ease the idea of having to race five separate divisions one after another just to win the overall, each division pits you against a unique set of tracks. While the sequel made better use of this idea (no surprise), the original game did manage to switch up the tracks for each season enough to alleviate any potential boredom. Each location remains constant, but the track layouts consistently change with each new season with the exception of Crossover (ok, there is a slight change but it's ever so slight). But come on, who's going to complain about a track that gives you twenty chances per race to t-bone your opponents dead on? This is what Wreckin' racing is all about! Although, damn, does that track suck ass in Stock Car mode.

The tracks themselves aren't the greatest, but they get the job done. There's really only two types of layouts: ovals (or tri-ovals) and narrow street courses. While they're nothing to lick your lips over, they work for the style of racing the game offers: close-quarters, paint-grinding, fender-bending action. Some of the tracks however, especially Ocean Drive or the crossover version of Cactus Creek, are a nightmare to throw your car around when you're behind the wheel of the Pro machine. Some of those right-angled corners are just stupidly tight and you have a higher chance of blowing your engine from ramming the barrier than some of the other louts out there - looking at you Learner Driver.

In addition to the aforementioned Rookie and Pro modes, there's also an Amateur mode. I suppose these can be labeled as difficulty modes, however I've never really viewed them that way. For one, Pro has always been my favorite mode in DD2, and I think it's safe to say that it's also the case here. Pro really frees up the car, to the point where you literally have no control when zipping around corners and performing tight radius turns, while much easier to pull off, can turn into an unwanted spin real fast But despite this total lack of control, in a way, you actually have more control over cornering - it's a bit hard to explain. Sure, speed is more apparent in the latter modes, but outside of Rookie, speed means very little. Unfortunately, the lack of speed in Rookie makes Rookie the hardest mode to handle, especially when doing Stock Car racing. I think the other reason Rookie comes off as the "hard" mode to me is that it seems that the AI doesn't really change between difficulty modes. The only thing truly affected is the physics of the car. Oh, and because of Pro's lucid control, the arena matches do become a bit livelier.

I'm not completely sure what was the first game that introduced me to a rather "alternative" take on video game music, but I know DD2 was one of the first. Despite it's completely non-vgm style soundtrack, I liked it. I was glad to hear that the original game also had a similar approach to its soundtrack. Compared to your average video game, this stuff is just...strange, but damn is this music great. Typically, I hate game soundtracks that have a more rock/techno edge or similarly styled radio-friendly aesthetic - thinks Sonic Heroes and other Crush 40 bullshit - or even use commercial music, although Summer Song somehow seemed fitting in Formula 1. Anyways, a couple of tracks worth noting are Aftershow and Hardhitter.

Overall, the game's good, but great? Eh, based on my original impressions of DD2, it could have been, but we'll never know for sure. Unfortunately, as I've said, it's not the one I started out with, and compared to the sequel it falls horribly short so my perception of it is highly skewed. It's a mixed bag for me. I know the material presented is worthy, but knowing the potential of what was to come - it's like trying to explain why Super Mario Bros. is such a great game when you know all and well that compared to its successors, it just sucks balls.

Nano-Rant:

The Skum is an asshole!

Rating: 2.5 Smoothies out of 5

Tears of Joy

Today, or more appropriately, yesterday, Beat All Games has turned the final page of its annual calendar. That's right, one year had passed since I started this mess - though technically, that page was turned late last month. Personally, I'm amazed I've stuck with this, even if I have slowed down considerably in the last few months and we haven't heard wind of Sven. Sadly, the amount of games beaten is few, but so what? I've had fun, and like I said in the beginning, I'm doing this all purely for my own amusement, so who cares? And if someone pops their head in and reads a few of these things; has a chuckle or the urge to give me the bird, all the better!

While Sven hasn't been seen around these parts, I still chat with him about games pretty regularly and we often have a laugh about this site, mostly in regards to how the site grew from an idea of shooting off a couple comical lines about either our fondness or disgust of a game we've recently beaten into full-length critical essays tearing the games apart from both a player's perspective and a technical perspective if and when possible. Not sure how that happened myself, but it's interesting nonetheless that such an evolution even took place - although I'm fairly certain I can attribute that to the fact that both of us are writers at heart. Heck, even now I'm probably writing far more than I should be just to say "Happy Anniversary, Beat All Games!"

And so, with the passing of a year, I look at the almighty lists. Drat! I've managed to rack up only 61 games beaten, with 84 standing as the total between Sven and myself. I'd say it's a tad on the short side, but then, this isn't a competition. It's something done completely at our leisure, for our leisure, so again, who cares? I still have a large number of games in process, though I don't really want to divulge anything. And I might have a new partner in crime hopping on board who has recently had the desire to run through a lot of computer games, both new and old. It seems he's got some stuff on his mind he'd like to say about some of those games, so why not? Besides, it helps me out by not having to play them myself, since I'm not the biggest fan of computer games.

Anyways, enough chit chat. I thought I'd post my top 5 favorite and least favorite games that I played over the past year. Be aware that I'm posting these games pretty much at the tip of a hat, so I'm likely overlooking some fantastic games and/or lurid atrocities. And if that's the case, well, then maybe they didn't deserve to be in the list to begin with, because obviously I couldn't remember them under pressure of a snap decision. So, without further ado I present my five's, in descending order; each number showcasing a favorite and not-so-favorite:

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5. Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken
-I'm a bit guilty that I might have picked Do-Re-Mi Fantasy because it's one of those hidden Japanese gems that I would have never known about were it not for the world of emulation. But then, the game is just fantastic. It's one of those games that shines because of its simple nature. They didn't fluff it with needless crap. Everything in the game serves its purpose and serves it well.

5. Drakkhen
-While I don't think this game deserves to be so down-voted - it had so many great ideas with serious potential - there were just way too many flaws in this game. Seriously, this game was a total and complete mess from start to finish, and that's just sad.

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4. The Bard's Tale
-I still think this is a very underrated game. Ok, maybe it's not the greatest hack 'n slash out there, but for me there's something about this game where all the pieces just fall into place. Heck, I really had to dig to even find anything to complain about.

4. Mario Pinball Land
-Like I've said numerous times already, I have a strange affinity for console-based pinball games, but this game was just far too luck-based and unfair in stage design for my tastes. While it's a fun game for about five minutes, it quickly delves into tedium for anything more.

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3. New Super Mario Bros. Wii
-I feel like an idiot fanboy for plugging this game, but I'm sorry, it's awesome. Sure, this game is nothing more than a gimmick hog, but you know, sometimes gimmick hogs are simply a lot of fun. I certainly don't want to come across as someone who's easily bought in by such an approach to game design. That'd be as shallow as someone who's bought in purely by the latest and greatest graphics. But sometimes that's just the way it is.

3. Sonic the Hedgehog 2
-You don't know how much it pains me to have to include a Sonic game in my worst 5, but the level design in this game was so disgusting. This is one of those game that makes me wonder how on earth it made it past the cutting room floor. This game was equivalent to playing any number of YouTube grade user-made levels - cheap design, sketchy spritework and slapped together architecture. Just shoot me now....

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2. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
-Well, it's not my favorite Zelda, but it's definitely up there. But not only that, it's up there as one of the best games ever made. Unlike most Zelda games, and what I feel really sets this one apart, is the replayability factor. For such an ability to even exist in a puzzle game speaks volumes in my book, so yea.

2. Jaws
-Despite playing this quite a bit as a kid, I guess I was just too ignorant to realize how bad it was. But the thing is, this could have been a good game. I think there's actually some potential hidden away in this game if the designers actually had an interest in designing something that was worthwhile and fun to play. Instead, we got this piece of crap. Oh well.

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1. VVVVVV
-Who would have thought a no name indie game with Commodore-style graphics and incredibly simple game design would have been so goddamn fun to play? Like I said in my post, this was one of those games where I just had a blast from beginning to end. The last time that happened with a virgin game experience...honestly, I don't know. Even as much as I love NSMBW, I had lapses where I wanted to put the game down either out of boredom or frustration. With this game, that just never happened.

1. Where's Waldo?
-I don't even want to talk about this game. It's nothing but a grotesque piece of shit that should have never been made.

GB - The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

Haiku-Review:

hold on a second -
Yoshi, dog food...who's Christine?
what am I playing?

Additional Comments:

Obviously, I've been on a Zelda kick. As soon as I finished A Link to the Past, I immediately picked up Link's Awakening, which is doubly rewarding because of how similar the two games are in play style, and well, I love LTTP so why wouldn't I love this particular title? Now, I first picked this game up about a year or so ago, and the game really confused me. Never mind all the Mario references, it took me about an hour or so before I figured out how to get the sword. Huh? Add to that the misery I faced trying to deal with the second dungeon and I eventually put it down, sort of forgetting all about it. Well, as I said, after my LTTP run I couldn't help but not pick this game up again, and boy am I ever glad I did. This game totally delivers and really impressed when you think about it - we're talking about a GameBoy game here. This is one hell of a game for that little grey brick!

Playing through it the second time, I still faced slight adversity trying to get the sword - I don't know why I keep forgetting that you can push items with the shield. And sure enough Bottle Grotto immediately gave me the bird again. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was I had to do to continue past wherever it was that I kept getting stuck. But there were two things that absolutely stumped the hell out of me: obtaining the dog food and the bird. And you know what's sickening about the whole affair is how incredibly obvious both solutions were. I spent hours, even days interacting with every single thing I could find in every single way I could imagine. Seriously, I dug holes across every square inch of the land looking for solutions - especially for that damned canned item that Sale wanted. I slashed at everything I could. I picked up rocks galore and ran into just about every obstacle I could find. Why can't I just grab the bananas straight off the crate, or better yet, knock some out of the tree? Just what is the purpose of that monkey next to Sale's house? For the longest time, I though he might be part of the key. Arrghhh!!!!

Ok, ok, so Link has access to a wizened old coot, Ulrira, via telephone who likes to drop hints. While the hints seem incredibly blatant regarding your next move, they couldn't be further from the truth. It's amazing, given how obvious they are in context, they are actually of little help. At first I questioned the developers decision to put in what can essentially be regarded as a hint and/or cheat guide, but in the end, he's nothing more than a nuisance stating what we already know. Eh, I guess he's helpful in some circumstances. After all, if it wasn't for him, I would have never tried to hunt down a can of dog food so I can obtain a bunch of bananas. Wait, this is a Zelda game, right? Why am I performing such arbitrary tasks? It's like I'm given a grocery list: dog food - check, bananas - check, a new broom - ugh. What happened to good old action adventure?

This game definitely made me scratch my head at times. So yes, for some reason, there's a long succession of trades that must be made in this game. What better may to enliven an already proven game design than with an endless chore of fetch quests? Seriously, why does this exist? I probably wouldn't mind the whole ordeal if it wasn't so pivotal to the primary story line - looking at you mermaid scale and bananas. As a side quest for perhaps a leveled item or even something like the boomerang, whatever, but with the ultimate goal being the directions through the Wind Fish's egg, I've got to question it. Now don't take all this the wrong way, it's not bad. It's just, rather tedious and seems a bit out of character for a Zelda game. Yes, I know fetch quests exist in Zelda games, but to this extent? This is stretching it a bit if you ask me.

Enough bickering about the trading game, although I will say it really helped me to test the extreme limitations of the overworld. Much like Link to the Past, the overworld is cleverly built - seemingly designed with both obstacle and required item to overcome said obstacle constantly on the designer's mind. And while the overworld proved frustrating at times, I found myself really enjoying the overall layout. If I had to nitpick anything, it would be some of the harder obstacles that you couldn't overcome until very late in the game that led to treasure rooms that only contained a multiplied rupee. For being as late in the game as it was, it came across as a disappointing treasure. Other than having to purchase some bomb replenishment every now and then, once the shovel and/or bow is bought, the store is, well...useless. And if you can manage to steal the bow, then the store is even more useless.

Overall, Link's Awakening was fantastic. It really surprised me. Honestly, a GameBoy Zelda game - I didn't have the highest of hopes the first time I had picked up the game. This time through, I was aware of its LTTP similarities, so I expected to at least get some satisfaction out of it, but I still didn't imagine it was going to be this enjoyable. Quirkiness aside - shout outs to the Mario-verse, the fetch quest trading game, other oddities - the game is pure Zelda through and through, well at least in the form of mechanics, and really made its mark in regards to what the GameBoy was capable of producing. Another quirk worth mentioning: the music. First of all, this game has some brilliant music, especially Mysterious Forest, but there's something about it that sounds so out of place for a Zelda game. It's reminiscent of the Earth Area (Day) theme from Drakkhen - you can't help but groove while listening to it, but you also can't escape that giant question mark floating just over your head. Other great tunes include Face Shrine, Southern Shrine, or even just the basic House tune. Yet even as fitting as these songs are to the adventure, they too are just an odd curio in the full scope of the Zelda universe.

But there's one final peculiarity that I must investigate. I was chatting with a friend of mine about the game, explaining its similarities to Link to the Past. Well, similar, yet wholly different. There's a noticeable absence of some very important elements: Ganon, the Triforce and heck...Zelda! So, how is it a Zelda game, I was asked. I think what I really liked about this game is that it didn't fall into the same old trap of most Zelda games. It took familiar ideas and mechanics and wrapped it around a whole new story enveloped within a [spoilers]dreamscape[/spoilers] which I think is brilliant. There was something about this game that reminded me a lot of Wind Waker in that it was a completely fresh approach to a Zelda game. Sure, the basic mechanics were akin to LTTP, but the game on a macro scale felt wholly different. I think if it held true to form and more or less was nothing but a LTTP clone, both in mechanics and story, the game would be nothing more than an advancement of play for those who truly enjoy LTTP as opposed to a game unto its own. Although, yea, it is a bit weird that the fundamentals of a Zelda game are lost somewhere on the cutting floor.

Nano-Rant:

Now then, let me talk about items. And to properly talk about items, I must talk about the Nightmare. While I faced a dubious amount of untimely deaths against the final boss, I place most of the blame on item guesswork as opposed to the creature's immediate threat. The boss itself, other than Dethl's form, was a breeze - well, once you figured out what items each form required. Fortunately, some were easy, such as Agahnim's form, other's not so much, such as Ganon's form. I pretty much fell into a pattern with this boss: try item, failure, try item, failure, try item, failure, death. Rinse and repeat, except after a few deaths I'd eventually find the right item; after which I could move on to the next form and start the whole cycle all over again.

But of all the forms, there's really only two that tripped me up: Ganon's and Dethl's. Why I didn't see the Pegasus Boots as a form of attack is beyond me. But Dethl - what a total dick! I spent an exuberant amount of time throwing everything I had at this bastard, and what pisses me off the most is that both the boomerang and arrows were the first two items I tried, since they weren't used up until this point throughout Nightmare's battle. But they were both reflected because the weapon to eye contact was a frame too early or late - the eye was considered half closed. As a result, I figured that neither weapon was meant for the job and moved on. What the hell, nothing worked! Many deaths were had and much swearing ensued. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how much bullshit his revolving arms manage to create. They are a total nightmare to avoid.

Anyways, after an hour of item testing, I finally inflicted pain with a lone arrow. Huzzah!  Twenty arrows later and the game came to an end. What really frustrates me though is that I could have taken him down with one solitary flick of the boomerang, but I didn't think it worked because the goddamn eye was considered to be half closed. Goddammit!!

Which speaking of, why is the boomerang so damn powerful!? Holy crap! Isn't the point of the boomerang to stun?

Rating: 4.5 cans of dog food out of 5

NES - Disney's Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

Haiku-Review:

rodent detectives
face cigar puffing Fat Cat -
watch out for ashes!

Additional Comments:

How is it that in the late 80s/early 90s, Capcom and Disney formed the perfect marriage? While I still haven't played them all, the Capcom/Disney games that I have played have always been pure gold. And what amazes me even more is that the levels found in these games are typically very simple in construction, but are just a blast to play. I don't know what Capcom had in their drinking water at the time, but with Disney by their side, they just consistently knocked 'em out of the park.

But I think what I really love about the Capcom/Disney collaboration was that the games were consistent with their accompanying theme - be it Chip 'n Dale, DuckTales, Darkwing Duck, whatever, the levels within the games made sense given the world, background, and general story line behind each show. They weren't train wrecks like LJN's video game adaptations of blockbuster movies which often left you wondering what movie they were watching when they sketched out an idea for the game. Come on, at least make them remotely comparable. Ugh. But we can all hate on LJN another time (and we all know we want to).

So what do we get with Disney's Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers? A story that initially revolves around a missing kitten. Already, I can think back to my childhood and reminisce about so many episodes of the cartoon and think, yep, I can see that happening. In fact, I'm certain there were a couple episodes about just that. And talking about game/cartoon comparisons, I've always loved that the scrub brush machine actually made it into this game as a boss - I still remember that episode (man, it's rather sad that I remember it so well too). Anyways, mission in hand, it's up to our two pint-sized heroes, with help from Gadget, Monterrey Jack and Zipper of course, to work their way through a heaping of fascinating levels. I've always loved Zone B where you have to turn off the water faucets. I don't know why, because looking at the gimmick today, it's incredibly simple and completely non-threatening - almost pointless, if you will. But still, there's just something about it that makes me think, how cool is this? Heh, were we ever suckered in by some of the simplest things back in the 8-bit era.

Where this game really upped the fun factor was when you played it two player, being one of those rare games that offered two player simultaneous co-op. And they offered this feature in an almost comical way, sort of playing off of the fact that while Chip and Dale are best of friends at heart, they will still always bicker till the very end. Such is the same here - under normal circumstances Chip and Dale work hand in hand, clearing the path of mechanical baddies or other goofy agents of Fat Cat such as the Tommy gun toting weasels. But then, if the mood strikes and there's even a sense of resentment because the other player stole a star out from under your nose, you can pick your co-hero up over your head and toss him over the ledge...well, if you're that much of an asshole I guess. Otherwise, it is quite the handy trick to quickly assail vertical sections without the worry that someone might fall victim to the bottomless void below.

Add to that, your typical happy, bouncy stage themes like Zone B, Zone D, or even the overworld's Map theme, and you've got yourself a joyous little romp through an oversized wonderland of fun. So if it isn't obvious by now, yea, I've always loved this game - it's one of my all-time favorite Nintendo titles - and probably still will for some time to come. Whether you're looking for something fun to kill a quick thirty minutes, or you just want to revel in some Capcom/Disney nostalgia, this is definitely a go-to game.

Rating: 5 Cola Cults out of 5 (oh wait, that's from the show...still, how great was that episode?)

SNES - ActRaiser

Haiku-Review:

these beautiful towns
exist thanks to me - Earthquake!
my level increased

Additional Comments:

One particular genre I've always enjoyed is geographical sims centered around creating and maintaining a complex infrastructure, be it on a world scale, like the Civilization games, or on a city scale, like the Sim City games. I think it's just part of my long fascination with geography, cartography and overall world-building. More outlets to build worlds and drool over maps? Count me in. And so it goes for some time until one day, a friend of mine tells me about this game that combines world-building simulation and side-scrolling action. Hmm, I was a bit apprehensive about the idea as I tried to visualize the two mechanics meshing together rather clumsily, but it sounded intriguing nonetheless. So he let me borrow the game and I went home and popped it into my SNES. My jaw dropped. This was not just some simulation/action hybrid. This was a proud warrior standing tall above a rabble of meek and aspiring titles, all to fall short of ActRaiser's incredible ability to mystify and entrance the player with gameplay never before experienced.

That was me then. Thing is, unlike some of those early games that tricked me with a splendor of "magnificent" graphics or kitschy gimmicks like Donkey Kong Country, that's still me today. Ok, maybe I don't think ActRaiser is the king of kings in video games like I once did, but it still is an incredibly remarkable game that managed to blend two wholly opposing game styles into something that not only worked, but worked well. I will admit, however, that on the basest of levels, neither element is great in its own right (comparing apples to apples), but as a whole, it's more than functional and the various faults or annoyances can easily be overlooked.

Faults? For me, the game's biggest faults lay in the action sequences. While fun, they're a bit too straightforward. I can't quite put my finger on it, but they come across as simple - not in difficulty, but in presentation. Sure, everything that's dished out is brilliant - beautiful music, incredible graphics, and some nice sprite and object usage, but there's this lingering lifelessness that seems to overlap the platforming elements. It's the same sort of feeling I get when I play a Castlevania game - I fully understand why people like these games, but to me, they feel empty, cold or distant. There's something there, or rather, not there, that's keeping me from fully enjoying the experience. Additionally, the controls range from questionable to deplorable. Again, reminiscent of the lack of fluidity found in the Castlevania games, the controls are sluggish and at the worst of times, feel downright unresponsive. This feels most prominent when quickly alternating between left and right movement with the purpose of attacking opponents on either side. And the unresponsiveness really kicks in when attempting to jump and attack - in fact, as many times as I've played this game, I'm still a little uncertain as to how jump attacks are best meant to be executed. But don't think I'm out to find ways in which I can rake this game over the coals. Honestly, for this style of action platformer, the controls aren't that bad. The problem is every once in a while, you'll come across small pockets where you're forced to contend with the more noticeable issues, or should I say, the issues become more noticeable. For instance, I especially found this to be the case in Northwall's Act 2 in regard to some of its narrower vertical sections.

Still, the action sequences accomplish their required goals. They present a worthy case: they are well representative of their respective worlds, fare well in difficulty, and are finished off with a formidable boss - although there are a couple that leave much to be desired such as the pitiful Antlion. But what of the simulation sequences? Uh, hmm.... To be honest, there's very little to complain about, if anything. Other than getting stumped if you let the population stall out far too early, the simulation mode is well made and fun to boot. It's so cool to watch those tiny people face adversity and build a bustling town, despite those giant floating skulls of gold that would love nothing more than to devastate the entire land with their telekinetic seismic powers. Be it in the burning heat of Kasandora, the balmy jungles of Marahna or even the frigid cold of Northwall, these people will stop at nothing to see their lands settled and their communities prosper. Well, almost nothing. You do have to help transform the land, making it suitable for growth, whether it's washing away the sands of Kasandora with rain or melting away the frozen tundra of Northwall with the sun. And with that, my one and only gripe emerges - that little cherub constantly having to state the obvious and request confirmation. Yes, I want to send a ravaging earthquake through these lands. Yes, I want to wash away the desert sand, just like I wanted to the other twenty-three times - are you freaking kidding me!? Why is there no ability to skip over any of this. Sure, I can increase the speed - which is laughable in itself, because seriously, who's going to willingly set their conversation speed to 1? But yea, a speed increase just isn't going to cut it.

So there it is, a game when taken as a cohesive unit, is just simply incredible, but when you break it down to its core parts, there are some grievances that begin to surface. But again, my criticisms are not meant to be taken too seriously. Sure, the controls piss me off in the action sequences, but on the whole, I can easily forgive them, because the bigger picture is simply fascinating. It's easy to sweep the unwanted debris under the rug and just sort of forget about them. Annoying cherub, what? Exactly. Forget about it. The simulation is a total joy and is perfectly intermixed with some eventful action scenes. And add to that an incredible score; heck, not only is the debris out of sight, it's out of mind, by miles.

And speaking of score, I could list the entire soundtrack. It's that good. But I'll just list a few, namely Birth of the People, Northwall, and Peaceful World. Typically, I'm a bigger fan of Sega's chunkier sound engine, but ActRaiser is one of those games that really made the Super Nintendo's sound engine shine. Video game soundtracks had never sounded so awe inspiring, so full of depth and emotion. Somehow, I almost think that there's been very few that have ever managed it since.

Nano-Rant:

Let this be my apology and admission to fraud. I have failed the very core of my mission statement in regards to ActRaiser - to complete these games in full. I must admit that this I have not done. Yea, I beat Tanzra (a joke of a boss if you ask me, although the rest of Death Heim - especially the first two bosses - we're of a different color). But then.... The end - and nothing but. Wait a minute, something's not right.

That's right, the game never looped, thus never allowing me to access Professional Mode. I stared at that end screen for at least twenty minutes; nothing. I strolled over to GameFaqs, just in case I was mistaken on how to access the secondary arcade-style mode. I found nothing that I didn't already know. What pisses me off the most about this is that this is probably the fourth or fifth time I've beaten this game in my lifetime and I still have yet to experience Professional Mode. I know I'm not missing much outside of an upgraded difficulty curve and lack of simulation mode, and based on my side-scrolling control aversion, I should be happy. But it's the principle of the thing. Not so much for Beat All Games, but for the fact that I should have a fully functional game. Argghhhh!!

Rating: 4.5 loaves of bread out of 5

GBC - Pokémon Pinball

Haiku-Review:

with luck will I find
these wee damnable creatures -
thank god for Savers!

Additional Comments:

What a ridiculous game. No, seriously, mixing pocket monster collecting with the age old scraps of arcades and bars - ye olde pinball machine. But alas, pinball in console form has always been weak tea at best. Pinball will never be pinball without the fast-paced, bumper to bumper, ball-spinning action, and without the ability to really throw your weight into the side of the machine, well tilting just isn't the same - just an embarrassing attempt at imitation. Nevertheless, I've always found myself attracted to console pinball games. Yea, I know they suck compared to the real thing, but still, it's pinball. There's just something about popping that ball through all of the clever contraptions and raking in the thousands upon millions of points. Hell, I remember playing Pinball on the NES way back when as a little kid and loving it. Talk about a crappy pinball mock-up, that game was awful, but it was fun and I was entertained for hours trying to bag the high score.

So, while perusing through some games, I had the desire to play some retro console pinball games. While looking through my NES games, I began wondering what some of the more modern updates might be like, so I delved into some GBA games (ok, maybe modern isn't the right term here, but figuring I mostly play stuff from the 8-bit/16-bit era, yea the GameBoy Advance is modern). I dug up a game called Pokémon Pinball: Ruby & Sapphire. Eh, did I really want to play more Pokémon stuff? Well, it was pinball so why not? Honestly, the game surprised me. It was really enjoyable and the addition of a collection element burgeoned a whole new dimension of fun that I just wasn't expecting. But after a while I got to thinking that there had to be a predecessor to Ruby & Sapphire, otherwise why add the parenthetical? After some digging around, I found exactly what I was looking for.

After collecting about 150 Pokémon, I disparaged over stepping away to play what would obviously be an inferior game, due to the evident limitations between the GameBoy Color and the GameBoy Advance. But as I've stated before, I would like to try and knock out a series in sequential order if and when possible. And my immediate impressions were just that; I was suddenly playing a lackluster title. After fumbling around both the Red and Blue boards for a bit and managing to collect a couple dozen Pokémon, I just wasn't experiencing the same level of enjoyment that I was with Ruby & Sapphire. And after finding out what I had to do to get Mew, forget about it. I mean, come on. The Mewtwo bonus stage is ridiculous enough as it is, but I've got to do it twice? You've got to be kidding me! Jirachi wasn't even this much of  a chore to obtain in the follow-up. But then, figuring that Mew is absolutely impossible to get outside of cheats or glitches in R/B/Y, I guess I should be happy that Mew is this easy to obtain.

Eventually though, the game started to grow on me. Maybe it was just time, after all I've been slowly playing this over the past few months steadily building up my Pokémon database. And for a while, I just enjoyed it for what it was at its core - a pinball game. I spent hours trying to tally an impossibly high score, which isn't all that hard to do by the way once you open up the Mewtwo bonus stage but purposefully fail to complete it. I already had Mew, so why bother? But then the time came where I just wanted to get it over with and finish compiling my Pokédex, which is no easy feat. Some of those rares are damn near impossible to find, especially Pinsir, but more on that later.

Anyways, what started as a simple bump in the road turned out to be a decent game. True, I don't see this as a title that I can sell someone on - one part Pokémon, two parts lame-ass console-based pinball - bleaggh!! But it managed to accomplish exactly what a console pinball game should be, and that's all that counts for me. Besides, add in a bit of a collection mechanic to make it carry a bit more merit than just simply a high score and I'm totally game. It's a time-killer really, and other than offering top score bragging rights, isn't that what pinball is all about?

As far as music? Well as usual, and just like the music from any Pokémon game, I found it wholly detestable upon first listen, but over time it somehow grew on me until I eventually realize that all Pokémon games actually have great music. However, I'm still suspicious that it's all just a dirty trick. Since nearly all Pokémon games last for an ungodly amount of hours, you're forced to listen to these themes for days on end, so it's only natural that you'll grow to like it...or shoot yourself somewhere along the way, praying for tinnitus to set in so you don't have to listen to this cheeky bullshit anymore. Then again, I've spent an unprecedented amount of time on both Morrowind and Oblivion and I still hate the title tracks in those games. Anyways, try out the Blue Field: Catch 'em/Evolution Mode or Seel Bonus Stage for your listening pleasure.

(a not so Nano)-Rant:

Now then, let's talk about Pinsir and what a rat bastard that insectoid, clawed fucker is. The amount of time I spent trying to find this asshole was completely unwarranted. First of all, Mew, who in theory, should be the hardest Pokémon to come by, I managed to capture before I even had 50 total in the database. The thing about Mew is that you have a very specific set of guidelines that need to be followed - beat these games, beat these games again, travel to Indigo Plateau and then you have a 1 in XX chance that it'll appear (XX supposedly ranging anywhere from 16 to 32). Beyond this, I've seen various other arguments for objectives that must be completed in order to catch Mew - I certainly can't vouch for the validity of anything else, although I will admit that I had a Master Ball when I caught Mew. And you know what, Mew was the third Pokémon I had appear after completing the prerequisites.

So, what do we have to do to get Pinsir? Well, other than sit around in Celadon City (or Safari Zone?) - a whole lot of rinse and repeat in regards to Catch 'em Mode and having a hell of a lot of patience. Goddamn, you need some patience to coax this guy into appearing. At this point, I had 150/151 Pokémon (note that my Pokédex actually read 150/150 because I hadn't even seen Pinsir yet). I only had one stupid little creature left to bag and what did I have to rely on? The worst fucking RNG in gaming I've ever seen!!! There it is - it's all on the table now. Random Number Generators: they're great when they work but damn, do they just suck all the joy out of a game when they don't. I don't know how many hours I spent, but it was a good three or four days by the time I picked off my 150th Pokémon until I finally said "Fuck this!" and decided to GameShark it. I had a real bad feeling that was going to be how it all came to an end, and I tried my damnedest to avoid the inevitable. But after three or four days of fighting with a pissant RNG, I just couldn't take it anymore.

Code in hand, I caught Pinsir and quickly gave the game screen the bird. Yea, a big FU will show that game who's boss. I let the rest of my balls trickle into oblivion so I could end this thing (which took forever in itself since I had racked up so many Again's by this point), and sauntered on over to the Pokédex to bask in my 151/151 glory. Wait.... What!? 150/151!?!?!? I saw Pinsir but didn't catch him? What the hell, man!? Well, I guess the game got the last laugh after all...or did it?

As infuriated as I was over the whole matter to begin with, I wasn't going down with this bullshit. No way.... But I also had no desire to wrangle the RNG either, so I entered the code once more, caught Pinsir and proceeded to level him through Evo Mode. Take that, you fucking game - 151/151!! Yea, maybe I had to cheat to take it down, but with an RNG that broken and stubborn, I feel no remorse.

(Hmm, I think I managed more expletives in this one rant than I have in the whole blog to date. [/over-exaggeration])

Rating: 3 damnable RNG's out of 5

SNES - The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Haiku-Review:

recall the adage -
keep in hand: Moon Pearls; don't turn
into a bunny

Additional Comments:

Having grown up with the NES, it is interesting to say that I managed to skip over the early games in the Zelda franchise without even so much as a wink of desire to play them. I know that's a pretty rare statement, but as I said in my post for the original Legend of Zelda, they just never really piqued my interest, especially since I was such a fan of games revolving around side-scrolling action. Then came along A Link to the Past, and my opinion of the Zelda games was completely uprooted. First it was the commercials. The "wow factor" tactics that the commercials utilized were incredibly effectual, and the stunning visuals just grabbed me. I still remember seeing those LTTP-style Hylian trees for the first time - their beauty just made you want to weep.

However, as amazing as those commercials were, I sadly did not come to own or play this game for a number of years. I guess their tactics were just an inch shy of perfection. Actually, with the arrival of Nintendo's shitbox - the Nintendo 64 - I jumped the fence without hesitation and became an avid consumer of Sony's new toy on the block, the PS1. With my dismay over the N64, I sort of lost touch with Nintendo's games, only bothering to play those favorites of my youth, such as Super Mario Bros. 3 or F-Zero. It wasn't until sometime in the late 90s, after discussing video games with a friend and mentioning how I had never played a Zelda game, he let me borrow A Link to the Past. As soon as I got home, I popped the game into my console and never looked back. Holy crap, I can't even begin to describe my initial impressions of the game - how incredible it was, how much fun it was...how...how much I couldn't believe this is what I was missing out on all those years. I spent every waking moment for the next three or four days trying to figure out puzzles, fighting Ganon's hordes of swarthy creatures and just generally exploring the beautiful Hylian countryside. My one and only trip up during that initial playthrough was when I had to dig up the ocarina. Somehow, I either missed or ignored the text explaining where I should dig, and ended up spending a few hours digging holes across all of Hyrule. Boy, did I feel like an idiot when I finally found it. Otherwise, discounting that single hitch, I managed the game rather easily on my first try and enjoyed every single minute of it; vaguely remembering the last time I had that much fun on an initial playthough of any game prior. And still to this day I'm not sure - SMB3 and Mega Man 3 are probably the only games I can genuinely think of in those regards.

Since that time, I've played and beaten LTTP numerous times and still love the game just as much. Interestingly, despite its "puzzle" mechanics, the puzzles never grow dull or tiresome. Although the solution is readily apparent, after years of play, I still enjoy figuring each and every puzzle out. Somehow, this game managed to make the puzzles timeless, which is definitely no easy feat. I can't explain how or why that is, but it certainly lends to its overall enthralling nature.

As far as the series is concerned, and out of those titles that I've actually put a concerted effort into playing, A Link to the Past is my second favorite of the series - just barely squeezed off the top step by Wind Waker. I know Wind Waker's a controversial pick, but for me, everything in that game is just spot on while managing to take a step back from the typical Zelda setting. But my thoughts on Wind Waker are for another time. However, despite being toppled by Wind Waker, the one element that I think LTTP managed to execute with absolute perfection is the item usage versus the overworld's puzzle architecture. True, most every game that followed LTTP handled overworld puzzles with near equal finesse, they never felt as genuine. To me, it seemed like the designers crafted LTTP's overworld with every single item in mind - knowing full well when items became available as well as when certain areas would/should become available. As such, they were able to create a complex overworld, as far as incorporating unique item puzzles, while still retaining an overall natural progression and feel throughout. Subsequent games, however, always felt like they had their overworlds designed first without any inclination as far as what might be included in the game outside of the common items seen throughout the franchise, like bombs or the hookshot. Then, once the game came into focus regarding the overall mechanics, the designers returned to the overworld and either modified small, congested areas in which they could place an item puzzle, or just outright tacked on an unnecessary element, thus discarding any sort of natural cohesion between landscape and puzzle.

And speaking of franchise comparisons, I know Ocarina of Time is often tagged as the most revolutionary of the Zelda games. Personally, beyond turning the series into a faux first person design, I disagree. Ok, there's more to it than that, and I admit that OoT did wonders for the series, but in my opinion, it was A Link to the Past that really set the stage for the fundamental mechanics of how a Zelda game should operate. Sure there's elements in LTTP that can trace their roots to the original Legend of Zelda, such as the boomerang or heart containers or the Master Sword etc., but I don't feel like they had any sort of inherent weight or meaning until LTTP came along. It's sort of hard to explain in words I guess, and I know my argument sounds hollow. Hmm, to put it another way: I sort of envision LoZ was created out of a mesh of random, undefined elements - sort of like a giant pile of "things," ie your dungeons, enemies, items, currency and so on. Basically, a lot of stuff that they eventually molded into a world, although rather haphazardly like a puzzle that doesn't quite fit together. Then came along Zelda II where it seems like they tried to remove that feeling of improvised creation, except they roughened up the edges around the rest of the game as a result - the puzzle pieces now fit, but for what purpose. With the third installment, suddenly everything just made sense. Everything had a clearly defined role and was well represented no matter where it appeared in the game. This is the big breakthrough that I think defined the series - not the eventual 360° total world interaction that OoT eventually introduced. I know it sounds odd to call that an innovation, or as I think of it, the innovation, but to me, this is the game that laid the proper groundwork for everything that was to follow - not the original LoZ and not OoT. Oh, and before anyone bothers bringing it up, no, my opinions of OoT are NOT influenced by my obvious hatred of the N64. Ocarina of Time is a fantastic game - it's the system that's a total letdown. In fact, I first played OoT on the GameCube with the Legend of Zelda: Collector's Edition disc, so yea, the N64 never even had a chance to influence my impression of the game. Hell, I didn't even see the game until I bought the GameCube edition.

Anyways, enough quibbling over which is the best or which is the most revolutionary. It's all conjecture when you come down to the nitty gritty I suppose. But that doesn't stop me from stating my belief that A Link to the Past feels like a near perfect game, not just in the scope of the Zelda franchise or within the SNES library, but in the vast video gaming empire in general. From the ease and fluidity of the mechanics, to the beautifully drawn graphics, to the enchanting soundtrack and the intricate, yet solvable puzzle design, this game just nailed it.

And yea, as far as music, who wouldn't love the soundtrack? Whether it's the charming Kakariko Village, the ominous Cave, or the snooty Hyrule Castle, the music is finely crafted and an absolute joy to listen to. No matter the location, the soundtrack properly represents the involved emotion or intended atmosphere.

Nano...what?:

Chris Houlihan room what?

Rating: 5 bunnies out of 5

TG16 - Blazing Lazers

Haiku-Review:

accepting lasers
as an admirable weapon
is it possible?

Additional Comments:

Wait, so there's actually an STG that has a decent laser? Incredible, but it's true!

What's funny is that a while back Sven and I were joking about how in most platformers or STG's, lasers, though cool by admission, are just completely useless weapons. True, their power is typically unmatched by any other weapon, but their speed, range, or rate of fire is just atrocious. Our conversation stemmed from an opinionated afterthought regarding Contra III by another friend of mine who believed that the laser was by far the best weapon in the game. Well, for me, the laser is the one weapon in that game that I will deliberately go out of my way to avoid, as if it were the plague. There is nothing that will bring that game to a sudden, grinding halt like attaining the dreaded laser - might as well just jump off a cliff and start the game over. Now, maybe I'm being a little harsh by grossly stereotyping the mass assembly of light-emitted weaponry, but let's face it, there's a definite commonality going on here - a slow-firing burst of absolute power - and for fast paced games, it's a guaranteed failure. I don't know, is the trade-off for power really warranted? As someone who will always choose speed or maneuverability over brute strength; that's a big emphatic no. Basically, what we're dealing with here is the Bowser or DK of the shoot 'em up world.

So what's all this about a decent laser if you're so quick to slander the thing? Well, I have to admit, not all lasers are created equal. Somewhere out there is a game that managed to turn the laser into an absolute badass of a weapon, and that game's name is Blazing Lazers. Heck, it's in their name! This game rewrote the book on laser mechanics in an STG. Not only is it an amazing weapon, it's quite possibly the best weapon! (Or damn near close - I have to admit, I still prefer the spread shot, which I'll explain my reasons later on.) So how can this possibly be? STG's, especially space shooters, typically contain the same set of weaponry, so even if you've only ever played one - like an R-Type or Gradius, you're still able to ascertain what kind of weapons will be available: a basic single shot gun and/or rapid succession variety, some form of spread shot, a shield, an assist, and possibly some sort of homing missile. Did I forget anything? Oh yea, a laser - and don't forget the disgust. Ugh....

With most shooters, I will usually grab the spread shot or homing missile and refuse to budge an inch regarding alternate choices. However, with Blazing Lazers, once I understood the weapon and upgrade system, I found the laser to be the prime choice since it too has somewhat of a spread effect. Sure enough, the rate of fire was down compared to the other weapons, but the way the lasers snaked across the screen, the slow ROF was barely noticeable, especially when paired up with a couple of assists. And who doesn't like assists? Myself, I try to use them as much as possible, that is until I realized the benefit of the firepower enhancement. Holy shit! Coupled with the laser and you've got yourself one badass mother. Firepower will turn the laser into a homing snake of evisceration that contains at least twice the firepower of any other weapon in the game. However, it does come with it's limitations. Unfortunately, firepower will return your laser to a single beam; therefore removing the illusion of a decent rate of fire. Back to the drawing board. Or is it?

My personal opinion, or at least what I found worked the best: the firepower enhanced laser works best for the first half of the game while a firepowered enhanced spread shot worked best for the second half, especially the last two stages. Seriously, I wouldn't recommend using anything but the spread shot for the last two stages, which I didn't realize until my playthrough on Hard mode. And despite Hard being far more difficult than Normal, the last two stages were a cakewalk as I blazed through them with the spread shot. Actually, on my first playthrough which was on Normal, Area 8 just frustrated and confused me to no end. There are sooo many bubbles! And they are everywhere!! During my Hard playthrough, I eventually found that you can pretty much ride the right edge the entire time and avoid everything - well, almost the entire time, and besides, the later difficulties chose to prove me wrong. But as far as Area 9 is concerned, sit at the top of the screen with a full power spread shot and you're golden - no matter the difficulty setting.

Ok, so Areas 8 and 9 turned out to be easy once I figured them out. Areas 3, 5 and 7 on the other hand - goddamn! Those levels are brutal!! Now, a sort of self-imposed challenge I've always tried to abide by in STG's is to complete the game without using bombs. Of course, it never works, and this game is no different. In these three stages, I found myself spamming bombs like there was no tomorrow. Seriously, without the aid of bombs, I don't know how or if you can even fight your way through them. Fortunately, Areas 4 and 6 were well deserved breathers where I could stock any lost weapons or bombs. In fact, I completely strategized my latter playthroughs around this knowledge - all my war efforts being geared towards Areas 3, 5 and 7. And I knew that once I completed Area 7, the rest of the game was gravy.

As far as music, it's usually hit or miss when it comes to STG's. For me, Blazing Lazers came through and had a fairly good repertoire of music. Some of my favorites were Area 5, Area 6 and Area 8 (heh, Area 8's  music just added to the general kookiness that is Area 8). And hey, the Ending Theme's not too bad either.

And finally, as a TurboGrafx-16 game, what can I say? The game is fantastic. Not only, that, but the graphics were amazing. I know I keep promoting the system in a more than favorable light, but the system just keeps astounding me, even with its mediocre titles like Legendary Axe. I'm curious to see how Blazing Lazers compares to its Japanese counterpart, Gunhed, though from what I understand, there's really no difference at all. Either way, Hudson managed to make a brilliant game.

Nano-Rant:

There is something that really bothers me about this game though. The lack of difficulty modes. Seriously, what kind of STG decides to forgo difficulty modes? But wait, didn't you mention various difficulty modes in your above comments? Ok, you got me.

Let me explain. After my first playthrough, I was sort of left questioning as too whether or not I ran the full gambit of the game. I found it curious that there was no options screen upon startup, but figured it was one of those situations where a new difficulty will open up after you beat the current mode. Nope. Well, I'll be damned. But then I find out you can access a hidden menu by mashing the I and II buttons repeatedly while holding Mode (or whatever NEC calls the Select button - wait, is it actually called Select? I forget) where you can set the difficulty between Normal and Hard. But wait, there's more. Inside the secret menu, you can  mash the same set of buttons while highlighting one of the aforementioned modes to bring up another, yet harder, mode - but you've got to do so for both modes if you want both of the additional "bonus" modes.

What the hell? Why is the difficulty menu such a pain in the ass to find? I can understand if you had to mash a bunch of buttons on the opening screens to find a debug menu or access some sort of cheat, but to make the game harder? Maybe I'm missing something. But then, what I really want to know: why can't you just press Run to exit the difficulty menu? Why do I need to press a combination of buttons!? Sure, it's only two, but come on, this is totally unnecessary. After finding out how to access the menu, I spent five minutes mashing buttons just trying to get out. Arrghhh!!!!!

Rating: 4.5 floating brains out of 5