GBA - Hello Kitty: Happy Party Pals

Haiku-Review:

cakes, shopping, dress up:
keys to a perfect party;
also - recycling?

Additional Comments:

A momentous occasion is upon us! With Hello Kitty turning 40 on November 1st, it seems only proper to prattle on about some childish filler staring the now certifiable cougar. Are you fucking kidding me!?

Er, confession time. My playing and beating such a ridiculous game has absolutely nothing to do with Miss Kitty White's coincidentally landmark birthday. Instead, my desire to play Happy Party Pals - a Hello Kitty title picked completely at random mind you - was first kicked about as a potential Beat All Games addition as a joke after an amusing name drop in one of Sven's old posts - Enslaved if I'm not mistaken. Hmm, Sven. Whatever happened to him? Anyway, he said something along the lines of Enslaved possibly not garnering the attention it should have which in turn may have affected numerous critical reviews negatively due to various other big hitters that came out at the same time sopping up all the acclaim. One particular title, which he facetiously slipped into the vast array of blockbusters, was Hello Kitty Party. Don't know anything about the game; don't care to, but I couldn't resist plugging the game's potential laurels yet further. And the more I thought about how ridiculous a hypothesis that Hello Kitty Party may have helped to nudge Enslaved from critics' top picks, the more a brilliantly foolish scheme began to blossom within my head.

From a fledgling little seed, I could only see pure lunacy in attempting such a game in the flesh as opposed to just making a hollow claim. Well, lunacy along with absolute boredom, embarrassment, and quite possibly the butt of all well-deserved heckling. Sounds worthy of the risk just to take a stupid, meaningless quip to the next level. Only, we're talking Hello Kitty and there was no way I could bring myself to actually purchase this drivel. Next best option, and a free one at that - time to comb various ROM dumps to see what I can dig up. And voilà: Hello Kitty: Happy Party Pals for the Game Boy Advance. Ugh. Am I really going to play this thing?

I'm willing to play just about any game. Sometimes, the crappier the game, the more I enjoy it. I've never been big for AAA titles, at least in the last decade. Doesn't mean I don't play them - I do. They're just usually not my first port of call. Instead, I tend to navigate towards neglected games or those that have been deemed unworthy by most, if not all, of the celebrated reviewers out there. I love perusing YouTube, forums, or various other sites looking for those games. There's just something about the uncelebrated that cries out, "Play me! They may not understand, but you'll understand." Often times, they were right. These games are given the cold shoulder for good reason. But then, I've come across some real gems this way. Could Happy Party Pals turn out to be one of those rare gems?

No. It's not a gem - not even close. Should that be any surprise though? Not at all. But believe it or not, it's not exactly a bottom feeder either. Sure, I dragged my feet for months as I invited Kitty's family and friends to a plethora of parties handing out gifts, making small talk, and spinning the latest tune on my little kitty-shaped boombox. This game is so mundane, so repetitious, so...pointless. I imagine Happy Party Pals to me is a horrifically watered down version of the barest essentials of social interaction that might be found on something like the Sims - though it's only a guess as I've never played a Sims title. Chat with Kitty's schoolyard chums, talk a stroll through the park or out along the beach, or take in the local arcade or some modest shopping. Can never have enough party balloons, I suppose.

The core of the game becomes a chore, especially once you finish the primary party objectives and move onto the bonus parties where the goal is to achieve 100% on what I assume is three different settings to obtain all of the bonus items. I can only assume this as I had to complete bonus parties inviting six guests, seven guests, and eight guests before I got my hands on what I believe is all the bonus items on offer. With little to no information floating around the web, I had to make a judgement call that the game contained eight bonus items. Fortunately, I at least found a site that verified the eight items I unlocked and saw no mention of any more. In my book, that's enough to consider the game complete. And given the tedious, unwavering nature of the game - hallelujah!

What's curious about Happy Party Pals' patterned gameplay however is that while it's apparent from the start that there's not much variety in terms of accomplishing the required goals - disregarding mini-games and Kitty's bountiful haul of presents to be - you're at least having to learn the ropes when it comes to Kitty's friends' likes and dislikes. For the first few parties, unless you're prepared to lug around several metric tons worth of treats, party favors, and gifts - from pretzels to seaweed salad, science books to golf balls, or even trampled aluminum cans - oh wait, I was meant to toss those in the nearest litter bin - the likelihood of scoring a perfect party is nil to none. Therefore, it's time to initiate conversation around town and learn about the perfect gift or invest in numerous rounds of memory; hoping the matched pairs will give some insight into what will turn Kitty into the hostess with the mostest. You can't always be the town darling serving Kitty cakes in the playroom while listening to down tempo oldies.

It wasn't until I finished my primary objectives and reached the bonus parties that I realized how painfully dull this game really is. Forget talking to anyone, recycling the town's garbage, memorizing preferred gifts, or really any aspect of the game. Other than all the required decorations, there's only one key item Kitty needs to obtain to throw a perfect party - the guitar. And best of all, we need to venture no further than the party store; an already required errand. Well, that's not entirely true because for some unknown reason, the party store doesn't carry the tablecloth. Instead, Kitty will have to bounce back and forth between the park and town hoping the goddamn tablecloth will magically spawn. Therefore, I present Happy Party Pals in six easy steps:

• Step 1: Send invitations - tedious part the first.
• Step 2: Obtain balloons, banner, and enough guitars equal to the number of invited guests by playing several rounds of Shop Hop - tedious part the second.
• Step 3: Force spawn the tablecloth in order to collect the last required decoration - tedious part the third.
• Step 4: Start the party and immediately chat everyone up to boost their happiness as high as possible. Thankfully, this is the least tedious portion of the run.
• Step 5: However, it's time to follow that with the most monotonous, laborious bullshit in the game. Play the stupid Guitar Hero imitation mini-game for each guest. Be sure to pop one of the victory discs into the boombox before time runs out to ensure total party immersion. Even grandpa will get down to that latest techno record. Who knew?
• Step 6: Congratulations!!! 100% party!!!

Fuck that stupid Guitar Hero game. It pretty much guarantees you a 50% happiness boost, but my god is it ever boring. If the mini-game at least offered a slight challenge or, you know, had a sense of syncopation between the song's rhythm and the required button presses. Worst of all, the scoring makes no fucking sense whatsoever. After two minutes of accurate taps, I misjudge the timing and suddenly I'm sitting at 71%? The math just doesn't add up. Considering I played this stupid music game at least a couple dozen times, I was never able to make heads or tails of the blatantly broken scoring system. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Thankfully, the accompanying music is halfway decent. Short, bouncy, and tolerable enough to listen to over and over, especially the techno tune which reminded me of something from an old Commodore 64 or Amiga game.

All that being said, I reiterate my original stand that Happy Party Pals is not a terrible game. There is some merit in there. However, it's all to be found in the mini-games. The core game is just...so...pointless. Even from the perspective of a pre-teen girl, I'd have a hard time imagining this game to be truly enjoyable on any level. But then, I found meager satisfaction in Gift Grab - a simple color match mini-game that feels like a mix between Puyo Pop and Candy Crush Saga. Additionally, I found some enjoyment in Bouncing Balloons, a simple Bust a Move style clone. Of course, all of the mini-games were clones or imitations in the simplest form and if I truly wanted to enjoy these games, then I'd just play the original games. However, these mini-games added a much needed boost of actual gameplay into a game that otherwise makes little coherent sense of the words "game" or "play."

But I have to give Happy Party Pals kudos for managing to keep my attention span long enough to finish the game; even if it was done in intermittent spurts over several months. Still, that's better than some honest to god games have managed to do - games like Morrowind that have been sitting on my unfinished list for what seems like years now. But then, maybe I just wanted to wipe anything Hello Kitty related from my list, ashamed for introducing it to my ledger of worthy titles to begin with. What ever was I thinking?

Truth be told, I'm sure I could run down a laundry list of issues with Happy Party Pals. But why bother? Outside of gamers with an unquenchable curiosity for the ludicrously stupid, like myself, I doubt anyone would ever willingly pick this game up and say to themselves, "Now here's a game worth playing." Only other sensible scenario would perhaps be some Hello Kitty zealot  in which case it doesn't matter what I think. Consider it fanboyism at its purest just like those with Zelda, Sonic, or any other top franchise that just can't do any wrong. In case you're wondering, they can. Perhaps if I had a further hankering for Hello Kitty entertainment, I'd find that Happy Party Pals totally delivered. I doubt it, but I understand what the game was attempting and I can envision the idea working quite well. Otherwise, I'm sorry Kitty, but even your darling, kawaii nature can't save you here.

Nano-Rant:

Can someone please explain why Kitty's subject to sanitation duty? To what end does garbage collection have anything to do with anything? I think there's far better ways to teach children that littering is frowned upon in the real world than by shoehorning some pointless mechanic into a video game.

But it makes the townspeople sad and Kitty's out to lift everyone's spirits.

No. Fuck all that. If roadside trash is such a weight on everyone's mind to the point that they walk around in a depressed stupor lest Kitty enliven their disposition through a bevy of gifts there's something seriously wrong. Kitty's generosity is being markedly abused as well as her eagerness to please by being the only one willing to lend a hand in community cleanup. She's just a fucking child, people! Clean up your own goddamn messes! No, wait. Better yet, quit cluttering the town with your filthy refuse and make use of the proper receptacle yourself. Quit relying on Kitty's good will to do everything for you. And you dare call her out on throwing a mediocre party? For shame, on all of you.

Maybe next time, Kitty should hock up a few hairballs and pass those out as gifts, you bunch of ungrateful sods.

Rating: 2 Stephen Hawking factoids out of 5

GBA - Pokémon Pinball: Ruby & Sapphire

Haiku-Review:

Pokédex how-to:
catch 'em and evolution,
then rinse and repeat

Additional Comments:

It's only taken me three years, but I've finally completed my Pokédex. Ok, obviously that's blatant exaggeration as I had put Ruby & Sapphire aside a couple years back while I tackled its predecessor: Pokémon Pinball, on the Game Boy Color and unfortunately let the game slip into a miasma of forgotten works-in-progress - a personal gamer's limbo if you will. In the hopes to clear a few games off said list, much like Al-Qadim, I returned to Ruby & Sapphire imagining it wouldn't take too long to put the game to bed, especially considering I had already racked up roughly 150+ of the vast plethora of cutesy, dopey, or outright silly creatures culled from the second generation of pocket monsters. If only Kecleon had already graced this list, but alas, it wasn't to be and little did I realize how this would come to pass as unforgiving misery. Ah, sweet ignorance....

With the completion of the original Pokémon Pinball, I've already recounted why I dared such a loony game to begin with. Good old fashioned console-based pinball is to blame, and if some children's fad of yesteryear need be attached for marketing purposes, so be it. Then again, considering the Black/Whites and now X/Y, can it really be labeled a fad? No. Pokémon, like Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, and other reputable Nintendo franchises can easily be labeled an institution. Besides, at least their name has been attributed to not just one, but two proper representations of console-style pinball constructs, unlike Mario and the abomination that is Mario Pinball Land. Bleagh.

Thing is, if the collection mechanic didn't exist, I imagine this game would grow stale at an unbelievable rate. While the boards are an impressive improvement over those found in the original Pokémon Pinball, they're still pretty static, condensed, and seemingly vacuous of wild bumper to bumper action. Essentially, the action packed aspect of what makes pinball a joy is left more to the imagination. Then again, the same could be said for most any console pinball game, but then when you consider brilliance like Alien Crush, it's not exactly a proper excuse.

Therefore, while on the surface it's a game of pinball, at it's core it's all about adding entries to your Pokédex by catching and evolving whatever the hell these strange little creatures are. When I first started this game some three years ago, I easily amassed 150+, like I said, and enjoyed it. After returning to the game, I found that most of my missing prospects were the shy recluses that refused to show their face. Much like Pinsir in the original game, I hate these assholes because they're not even proper rares according to their collection methods and instead rely on a bullshit RNG. I'd love to look through the tables in the game's code to see how some of these guys are called. Jirachi, on the other hand, should be impossible to find much like Mew, yet just like Mew, was incredibly easy to pick off because there's a very concise methodology on how to capture him. The same can be said for Groudon, Kyogre and Rayquaza, though honestly, I think one attempt through their bonus rounds should be more than sufficient - especially Groudon's. His bonus round is just the worst. I'm unsure what's the bigger nemesis here: the timer or those blasted falling rocks.

Surprisingly, even Latias and Latios proved easier to find than a couple particular isolationists and they're subject to a 1% chance of appearing in catch 'em mode. I'll admit, that 1% chance made them a chore to collect as well, but in my hunt for Pichu and Kecleon, I came across a vast assemblage of these rare and mysterious dragons. Hmm, not so rare after all it seems. Yet why is it so goddamn hard to hatch a Pichu? I must have spent two or three hours alone on continuously cycling through hatch mode; all to no avail. Finally, it came down to Kecleon, who I already spent several hours hunting on Sapphire's plains. I decided to try my luck on the Ruby board and bounced around for another unmarked amount of time. Where the hell is this fucker? I know the coy bastard is mocking me every time I stumble into his bonus zone. Fuck you, Kecleon!! (to be continued...)

All in all, Ruby & Sapphire is an enjoyable time killer, much like it's predecessor. The one advantage it has over it's predecessor, however, is that the boards better resemble actual pinball tables and play the part, despite their obvious console-like shortcomings already mentioned. Still, it's not a game I'd recommend to anyone, especially given its Pokémon oeuvre, but as a console pinball game plays far superior to its original. And again, like all Pokémon games, the music falls flat, yet somehow becomes mildly addictive over time. A couple songs that managed to catch my attention include Pokédex and Poké Mart - both quaint little piano riffs.

Nano-Rant:

Ah yes, the continuing saga of Kecleon hunting. When it comes down to it, I'm not so sure if it's the game or the RNG or anything withing the programming that I should blame for trying to acquire this accursed chameleon. Instead, I have to blame the internet. Why? Because there doesn't seem to be a lick of agreement on where exactly this thing is. While hunting down this final prospect; given the amount of time I already spent chucking balls into either Ruby's or Sapphire's catch 'em mode while on the plains as that appears to be the common consensus for his whereabouts, I returned to the now untrustworthy internet and searched anew as to where this dipshit resides. Sadly, every page I came across held horribly conflicting information. Some pages proposed some really wacky theories on his whereabouts, yet at the same time seemed reasonably sound considering how certain other Pokémon are found - namely those found within bonus stages. Needless to say, I tried them all, and as expected, they all led to failure. Finally, I resorted to watching a few Let's Plays, which for certain games like RPG's or platformers is no big deal, but for a console pinball game is just ludicrous. I might as well watch a Let's Play of Minesweeper. Seriously, why do these even exist? I'll tell you why: to verify where exactly Kecleon can be found. Restarted a round on the Ruby board, ensuring that I started in the forest and on my second catch 'em attempt found Kecleon. Thank you, mindless Let's Play videos. Pokédex complete!

Rating: 3 Claydols out of 5*

*Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

GBA - Mario Party Advance

Haiku-Review:

board game amusement
is not so amusing with
only one player

Additional Comments:

Personally, I like the Mario Party series - call it a guilty pleasure - but the games are really only enjoyable with two or more players. Yea, they have story modes, which obviously is what I played through here, but it still feels so weird to play a Mario Party game by yourself. It's like playing a round of Monopoly by yourself - what's the point?

The game's not that bad, though a bit toilsome - does there have to be that many bonus dice mini-games that need to be played? Really? Ugh... Anyways, on the face of things, the graphics are rather nice and some of the music is...well, surprising. Two tunes in particular really grabbed my attention and I was rather pleased that one of them was attached to the mini games. The song that really caught my ear though has got to be the Mystery Quest theme.

There's really nothing else to say about the game. I suppose it's alright as a time killer - if you're twelve - but otherwise, a Mario Party game on the GameBoy Advance? It just seems pointless.

Nano-rant:

Are you fucking kidding me!? All other Gaddgets aside, Faux Flame and Breeze Buddy are the biggest wastes of programming I've ever come across in any game.

Also, I found out that I'm only 26% compatible with myself on the Compat-I-Com. Damn, what's that going to do to my self-esteem?

Rating: 2.5 Gaddgets out of 5

GBA - Mario Pinball Land

Haiku-Review:

if you want to play
a good non-pinball pinball
game - Sonic Spinball!

Nano-rant:

...oh, and I'm not kidding either.  This game is so focused on luck of the draw it makes me want to punch a baby!!  Seriously, chuck this game and go play the far superior Sonic Spinball and you'll see exactly what a pinball/platformer hybrid should be.

Additional Comments:

Now that that's out of my system, let me clear the air.  When I first got my hands on this game, it made for a fun little time-killer.  But, good god, try and take this game to the next step - trying to beat it - and you'll start pulling your hair out over how skill-less this game is.  Take it even further and try to accomplish the 100% finish to attain the alternate ending, well....  And what really bothers me is that the game isn't even hard, it's just so frustratingly luck based, it's insane.  Case in point: second King Tut battle.  I had to have spent somewhere between 30 and 45 minutes battling that son of a bitch.  Why?  Well first off, his room is circular the second time around, and hitting the obelisks is damn near impossible due to Mario's interaction regarding the flippers and circular design often resulting in skirting the room's perimeter at top speed.  And when you finally do hit the obelisks, it's even more impossible to hit King Tut himself before you're shrunk back down to size.  The only other boss battle I can recall that even remotely stretched on for such a ridiculous amount of time was Galbalan in Ys III: Wanders from Ys, but that's because he seemed to suffer from the 2 million hp syndrome.

Really, I didn't expect much from this game to begin with, but to have Mario in the title, I did expect something a little better than this.  Oh well...

Music?  Sadly, I can only find music from the boss battles, and in my opinion, the boss battle themes just aren't as good as the stage themes, which truthfully, I enjoyed quite a bit, especially the Snowy Stage.  And in my opinion, the music is the only highlight of the game.

And so, this game is a fun little treat for about 20 minutes and then nothing but a frustrating she-bitch of a game from there on out.  Don't play it!

Rating: 1 star out of 5