The 10 of '10

And with that, 2010 is done. Through the course of five months, I've beaten a whopping measly 32 games. Crap. At this rate I shall never beat all games. :(

Oh well, perhaps 2011 will prove to be a more fruitful year. I know I have a lot of games lined up that I'm really looking forward to, and I still have about 15 games I'm in the middle of. Anyways, now that the end of the year is here, I thought I'd look back at those 32 measly games and pick out my personal favorites from the bunch - those that really stuck out and screamed fun and excitement. Despite what my ratings may state, this list is based on overall fun and potential replay value - games I know I'd enjoy if I went back and played them again.

10. Hotdog Storm
-Short but sweet, this game just outright surprised me in every way possible.

9. Disney's Aladdin
-Just a straight up awesome platformer, 'nuff said.

8. Chrono Trigger
-As much as I hated Lavos/Lavos Core, this is still probably one of the best games ever made.

7. Milon's Secret Castle
-I seriously wouldn't be surprised if there's still a ton of stuff I've yet to uncover in this game.

6. Crash Bandicoot
-From the very beginning I could just feel that this game would own, and it did, bringing platforming to all new dimensions, even if they were just pseudo-dimensions.

5. Illusion of Gaia
-I've always loved action-adventure games, and with a storyline built around a strange mystical history so akin yet so different from our own, what's not to love?

4. Magical Chase
-Along with the various Touhou games, I found a newfound love for STG's thanks to this game.

3. Banjo-Kazooie
-Despite my deep-seeded hatred of the Nintendo 64, this game is brilliant and proved that even a shitty system can have amazing games.

2. The Bard's Tale
-There's far too much I could talk about regarding why this game's awesome so just go read the post.

1. New Super Mario Bros. Wii
-Five words: New Super Mario Bros. Wii - discussion over.

Arcade - The Lost Castle in Darkmist

Haiku-Review:

ever endless loop
where strategy is questioned -
is there strategy?

Additional Comments:

Well, with the closing of the year, I wanted to see if I could knock out one more game beaten. I knew any attempt to finish any of the games I'm currently in the middle of was pretty hopeless, so I figured I'd pick something quick and easy, but at the same time, something remarkably different. Hmm, I thought, arcade games are usually pretty short, but which one shall I play? After doing some quick research online regarding the few arcade games I currently have access to, Lost Castle sounded intriguing. So I decided to give it a whirl.

Holy crap, I certainly got what I was looking for, something remarkably different. This is one of the most unique games I've ever seen. The best way I can describe this game is that it's the long forgotten bastard hybridization of an old school, top-down hack n' slash and a fantasy STG, except when it comes to gameplay, it unfortunately got the short end of the stick, on both counts. And therein lies the problem. Because of its funky DNA jamming up what could potentially be a fantastic game, this game is a confusing mess that is hard as fuck. Seriously, this is one of the hardest games I've ever come across - harder then some of the modern day Danmakufu-born STG's. Off the bat, I played this game for a good 20 minutes or so before I could really even grasp what the heck was going on. And being that there is literally zero information regarding this game on the net, it made it all the harder.

Eventually I got the hang of the game, but I was still lucky to make it through one or two levels tops before loss of life - and oh yea, you only get one of those. Thankfully, being an arcade game, I could keep it well fed with a heaping pile of theoretical quarters, and damn, did I ever go through a lot of them. Even still, I was pretty confused as to the nature of the game. In one hand, you face level after level of auto-scrolling STG madness, albeit I use the term STG ever so lightly since your main weapon is a freakin' sword - that's right a melee weapon in a shooter. What!? Yea, you have a magic shot, but in my opinion, it's pretty useless except when fighting the Grim Reapers since you want to keep your distance from those guys. But then, in the other hand, you have these non-scrolling death labyrinths filled with hordes of nearly invincible creatures that easily sap over half your energy in a single hit. The yellow-gem lightning shield is your best hope for tackling these areas - too bad they only last about ten seconds. But that's not all - every now and then you'll come across a town replete with shops and a church where you can heal, but there's a catch: they auto-scroll. You have got to be kidding me!

Anyways, the next thing that struck my curiosity was regarding the game's length. After fighting my way through hordes of enemies, I was greeted with my prize - which I can only assume was the lost castle itself. However, there was no Staff-Roll to follow, just another level. But it was a whole new level. Huh? I began to suspect foul play was afoot, something akin to an endless game loop common to most early era, score-based arcade games, especially after the second lost castle, followed by a third. How many lost castles are there in Darkmist? But every new challenge I faced was visibly different: new settings and new, more powerful enemies, so this couldn't be the case. And then, a fourth lost castle emerged. Please let this be the end, I cried. Dammit!!! Another level!!! But wait, this one looks familiar. Finally, the game looped, and so my original suspicions proved fruitful. So it appears this game has no formal end. That's a shame, but I suppose it should have been expected.

The interesting thing about this game though: it could have been a truly stellar game. It definitely has potential, and you can see faint glimmers of this potential everywhere you look, but somewhere along the way the wires got crossed and fried any hopes of an amazing game from fully emerging. But, at the same time, it's not a bad game either. It's got some cool graphics, especially considering it's from '86, and some pretty catchy music. The controls are fairly descent and although there's no turbo feature, being an STG and all, it doesn't even matter. However, the in-game mechanics are a tad funky. Although, if you didn't have to rely on the sword so much, it'd probably be a different story. And the fact that the game is as unique as it is definitely makes it an interesting play.

Nano-Rant:

Besides having an STG where your main weapon is of a melee nature, the other thing that really stuck in my craw was that it began to become apparent that the best strategy was to just avoid everything. Kill nothing until you get to the boss. What a stupid tactic for a shooter.

Rating: 2.5 Flying Sabers out of 5

GEN - Golden Axe

Haiku-Review:

war on a turtle
cast magic on an eagle
bring it on, Bringer

Additional Comments:

When it comes to some serious beat 'em action and hair-pulling, wall-punching, controller-throwing difficulty, this game delivers. Now, I've played Golden Axe II for the Genesis countless times, and I've only toyed briefly with Golden Axe III, but I'm not sure if I've ever played the first one, although I have played one of the Golden Axes in the arcade, and I want to say it might have been this one - not totally sure, but whatever.

This game definitely excels in difficulty compared to the second one. Despite the agonizing torture this game just put me through, it's still everything I remember and loved about the Golden Axe series and I enjoyed playing every minute of it - erm, almost every minute of it. The battle against Death Bringer is a different story entirely. I was fighting him for a good thirty minutes or so before I began to suspect that perhaps his skeleton guards are indestructible. Well, they're not, but they're pretty damn close to it and I blame all my frustration solely on them. Ok, the battle's really not that bad once you figure out the proper tactics on how to bring down the Bringer, but until then, it's hell.

I'm not entirely sure if there's a difference in HP and attack power for each sprite between Beginner mode and Arcade mode, but it definitely seemed to be a substantial jump in difficulty, but maybe that's just me. It's not so much that Arcade mode played that much harder, but that Beginner mode seemed to be too much of a breeze. Of course there's the game length differences, but that's beside the point. Duel mode, which I often enjoyed playing through in the sequel, is still just as enjoyable here. Though it definitely keeps you on your toes since you only get 8 life bars to play with through all 12 rounds whereas in the sequel I believe your life would get replenished.

All in all, the game is hard, but fun - the classic beat 'em up with a brilliant fantasy twist that is uniquely Golden Axe. It owned in the arcades, and it still delivers on the home console. But I have to ask this one question, is it just me or are the levels really short? Well, while the jury's out on that one, let's listen to some classic Golden Axe music with Wilderness.

Nano-Rant:

Oh my god, why does it always feel like the player character and enemy sprites are suffering some sort of magnetic repulsion? I go up, they go down. I go down, they go up. What the fuck are you guys so antsy about!? Arggghhh!!!!

Rating: 3 Longmoan's out of 5

GB - The Ren & Stimpy Show: Space Cadet Adventures

Haiku-Review:

what the hell is that?
is it going to hurt me?
can I jump on it?

Additional Comments:

Having owned this as a kid, I remember playing it quite a bit - or attempting to play it at least. Good grief, this game is balls hard. It was way back when, and it still is today. Now, other than the title screen and opening cut scenes, I remember almost nothing of this game. I thought I did, but as it turns out, I don't. So what the hell game was I thinking of, I wonder - some other ludicrously hard platformer where you're jumping over indestructible alien lifeforms I guess. About ten minutes into playing the game, I began to wonder if I was even playing the right game. Well, I think I can attribute my lack of memory regarding this game to some of its key issues.

First off, ninety percent of this game is made up of stuff that my haiku rightly described. I understand we're talking about a four-toned title on the GameBoy, but come on. That is one of the biggest problems with this game. There were a couple points where I didn't know what to do because I didn't realize that that wall was not really a wall but just a part of the background design or that you could stand on door/window frames. And what about all the stuff that can hurt you?. Basically, if an object has animation, not just movement but a palette animation as well, you're going to lose health. And by god, the shit's all over the place. This game is more about precision jumping in far more circumstances than necessary.

My next issue is that the levels are too damn long. I'm all for long levels, but the designers have to do them up right - packing as much fun and entertainment out of them as they can every step of the way. Here, it's nothing but waves of infantile level design and rampant aggravation, especially since I'm constantly trying to figure out what sort of interaction an object should have on the fly. Also, this particular issue of length is what really wracks my brain regarding my personal memories of the game. All these years I always thought the spaceship held the entirety of the game with each room being its own level. There's three more fucking levels of this crap!!

I suppose I should be thankful there are no bosses in this game, as if you'd be able to hit them anyways. Yea, off all the enemies in the game, I think there's only about six different sprites that are actually killable. What a joke. Anyway, in lieu of end-level bosses, you have a timed section in which you must reach Ren, Stimpy or, in the case of the second level, a ladder. I say take the easy road - if you have full health, just let the shit hit you. Trust me, it's a lot less painful. Besides, you're health refills upon each new level.

I guess if there's any grace from this game, it's watching Ren slap Stimpy repeatedly during the end cut scene. What a stupid ending. But then, it somehow reeks of good ol' Ren & Stimpy, so I guess it's only appropriate.

Nano-Rant: (Haven't had one of these in a while):

I still can't get over the fact that I never even beat the first level as a kid. Fuck, this game is hard!!

PS, the music sucks.

Rating: 1.5 Powdered Toast slices out of 5

NES - Super Mario Bros.

Haiku-Review:

Oh! Mushroom Kingdom:
you're infested with turtles-
the plumbing's awry

Additional Comments:

(It was bound to show up sooner or later, so why not as a Christmas treat? Frankly, I'm surprised it took me this long to get around to SMB for Beat All Games.)

Having grown up on the NES, it's hard to talk about this game and not be nostalgic. Unfortunately, I no longer recall the exact specifics on how I acquired my NES, though it seems most plausible to associate it with my birthday, but I do recall hooking it up to my TV for the first time and inserting the cartridge for Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt. It truly was a glorious moment in my childhood. Albeit, I had an Atari 2600 up until this point (which I had to let go due to some BS-only-one-video-game-console-per-household rule that had been instilled on me; still infuriating me to this very day), and was quite familiar with the video gaming experience; the difference was just night and day. Watching that 8-bit plumber stomp Goombas on an 8 world quest through the Mushroom Kingdom to save the princess was something else. The experience was something that I really don't think anyone who has grown up on any of the later systems (except for maybe the N64 - as much as I hate that system, I do acknowledge the impact of the "next-generation" vision it tried to create) will properly understand or appreciate, much like how I will never fully appreciate how some of the original kingpins like Pong, Space Invaders or even Adventure may have affected those during the 70s.

But enough of that, let's talk Super Mario Bros. As a nostalgic piece, the game is tops and is one of those games that every gamer should try at least once in their lives. Even 25 years later, the game is still pretty phenomenal. However, as with any gaming franchise that has been spitting out title after title, the original is bound to fade into a pool of mediocrity compared to it's long line of successors at some point. And unfortunately, this is also one of those franchises where each successive title took monstrous strides, leaving it's predecessor in the dust. But that's not to say it's a bad game - it's anything but. It's just, if you want to play a genuine NES timepiece, play Super Mario Bros. - you're going to love it. But if you want to try your hand at a quality game from the Super Mario universe? Well, let's just say there's countless titles I would steer one towards before I'd suggest SMB.

Regardless, it's still an amazing game. But I have to admit, I haven't really sat down with this game in a long, long time. I've made a few minor attempts on the SMAS version over the past few years, but more out of boredom than anything. So, honestly, it's been at least a good 12 years since I really attempted a serious playthrough of the game. I've beaten the game numerous times in the past, attempted RTS's years before I would ever come to know the term, and glitched the hell out of it with a Game Genie more times than I can possibly recall. Basically, I learned every little secret I could. Amazingly, even after a decade's absence, it's still amazing what I can remember in this game. However, and I'm sad to admit, I completely forgot that there's a second quest. I don't think I can even express how shocked I am that I had forgotten all about it. Maybe it's because the second quest is exactly the same as the first, except for added/changed sprites. But what's funny, once I started through the second quest it suddenly hit me - I do remember this! Anyhow, I'm not entirely sure if I ever completed the second quest, and if not, well it's beaten now.

Despite it's purely 8-bit characteristics, I still love the design of the game, from the graphics to the music, but again, that may just be the nostalgia digging it's nails into me. However, stepping up from a 2600, it was amazing to see a game that had graphics that actually looked like stuff - and not just stuff, but lot's of stuff. And there was music, and it was catchy as hell. (I'd showcase some songs, but seriously, if you don't know any, or all for that matter, of the SMB tunes by heart, then you're on the wrong site.) And to top it all off, there was some serious freedom of movement compared to my early days of gaming. There were all sorts of impressive little movements you could make Mario perform.

Which brings me to my final thoughts: Mario's physics. Ah, the ability to play SMB as a virgin player is undoubtedly lost in time, and very nearly impossible for anyone nowadays. Having been one, I can recall how fluid the gameplay was. There was nothing to complain about, because as far as I was concerned, it was the best gameplay experience out there. But eventually, I too would lose the fantasy of this so-called "terrific gameplay" à la Mario's physics once SMB3, and later SMW, emerged on the scene. With Mario's physics now so much more controllable, the SMB plumber was nothing more than an unrestrained ice cube sliding off platforms or into enemies without a care in the world. Unfortunately, it seems Nintendo had reverted to this style of physics for its NSMB titles. Yea, t's not the end of the world, but I think Mario was at his best, physics-wise, during his SMB3/SMW era. So, although I could potentially rant about the physics, it would be heresy since I was lucky enough to experience the game fresh and enjoy the physics for what they were in their heyday - amazing!

Rating: 4 Minus Worlds out of 5

NES - Micro Machines

Haiku-Review:

tiny cars race hard
win the race: bonus! but then -
lose the race: bogus!

Additional Comments:

Another all-time favorite from the NES era, Micro Machines has got to be, hands down, the best racing game for the NES. I remember renting this nearly every weekend while living in the middle of nowhere one summer. Having nothing else to do, renting NES games and watching MTV were pretty much my only options and I could only withstand so much Tom Cochrane, so I spent a lot of time experimenting and exploring the interestingly themed tracks in this game.

A top-down racer, Micro Machines pitted tiny cars in some mundane, yet rather innovative environments: jeeps on a breakfast table, boats in a bathtub, helicopters in a patio garden, open-wheel racers on a pool table and so on - simply awesome! Each vehicle type has its own unique handling characteristics, which in some cases, such as the tanks, is extremely stiff or in others, such as the sports cars, is so damn loose that you're fighting just to stay on track. There's still a section in Crayon Canyons that I can't figure out how to perfect where a binder/ruler combination precedes a sharp corner at the desktop's edge and then you need to quickly line the car up for a single-wide ruler bridge. Not only did I desperately fight my way through this section, but I noticed the AI is apt to plummet to their doom as well.

Besides the aforementioned Crayon Canyons, the tracks do start getting extremely technical as the game progresses and it becomes more of a situation of ferociously battling the course layout as opposed to your rivals. Fortunately, each character has their own unique driving style and it becomes quickly apparent who's good and who's not. And combining that with that fact that every third race, the lowest ranked driver is given the boot, it's easy to predetermine your rival line-up so that you end up racing all of the slow-movin' dimwits on the harder tracks near the end of the game.

All in all, for being an unlicensed game, Codemasters created a fantastic racing game in an era where racing games were pretty much bleh. Although F-Zero, which in my mind revolutionized the racing genre, was released the same year, it was still a few months down the road. Of course, there were arcade classics like Out Run (ok, technically it's not a racing game) and Super Hang-On ported to the Genesis, but it was still a good while before I could get my hands on either of those. And besides, none of those games are top-down racers. So then, what games do we have to compare? RC Pro-Am? Super Sprint? Ivan "Iron Man" Stewart's Super Off Road? Yea, they're descent games (actually, I like Super Off Road), but they're nothing compared to Micro Machines. The creativity in the tracks alone here can put those games to shame.

Oh! How can I forget to talk about the music? Well, maybe because there's little to no music in the game. That's right, the whirs of tiny engines is all you hear (which turns out to be rather amusing for the helicopter races), but the game does have a gem of a song: the Menu Theme. Huzzah!

One final thought I figure I'd throw out there: although I haven't played the 2 player mode since I first played this game way back when, I do remember it being a lot of fun. But then, I was also a kid back then, so who knows.

Rating: 4.5 Topples' boxes out of 5

GEN - Disney's Aladdin

Haiku-Review:

what makes me wonder
about the Cave of Wonders:
why the panther head?

Additional Comments:

Another fabulous Disney platformer by Virgin Interactive; I remember playing this game countless times growing up. I always thought of it as one of those games that's not overly difficult, is really fun to play and just held its own when it came to replay value. Every level, based on various scenes from the movie, is beautifully drawn and incorporates interesting design - especially Sultan's Dungeon or Inside the Lamp. Even the music is great, and whether or not you liked the movie soundtrack, hearing everything driven through Sega's gritty sound engine presents a fresh take on some of the better known tunes. However, some of my personal favorites are Turban Jazz or Arab Rock.

What appears to be a trend among games developed by Virgin, the difficulty curve between each mode seems rather negligible. Yea, there are some added sprites here and there, but overall, much like Lion King, the curve seemed to be pretty shallow across the board. Also, something I should point out: much like Lion King, I decided to play the Genesis version, for again the same reasons as previously stated in that game's review. However, although I have dabbled with the SNES version, I never realized that it's a completely different game. Not only that, but the SNES version was developed by Capcom, and appears to be the last of the the Capcom/Disney games. Hmm, I always thought the SNES version just happened to be a weak port of Sega's (shows what happens when you play the game haphazardly, not even realizing the absence of the scimitar), but this puts a whole new perspective on everything. Well, now I'll have to give the SNES version an actual go.

Rating: 4 magic carpets out of 5

PS2 - The Bard's Tale

Haiku-Review:

drunks and trow sing songs-
skull, tree, moon, sun, chicken, lute:
portal puzzle beat

Additional Comments:

Straight up - I love this game! This is probably my favorite hack n'slash game out there. Now, I've never played any of the original C64/PC titles, but sometime in the late 90s I bought the NES port and played the heck out of it. It was one of the more innovative takes on a typical dungeon crawl/RPG that I had seen allowing for a wide variety of party setups with a large cast of characters. Needless to say, when I saw that there was a new Bard's Tale available for the PS2 sometime in 2004, I just had to have it.

Right from the get go, I enjoyed this game. From its unique summoning system to its deeply rooted Scots' environments to its wonderful voice-over cast (it's got Cary Elwes as the Bard - what else is there to say?), everything is just amazing in this game. The music alone is fantastic, presented as appropriately styled period pieces, such as The Nuckelavee. There's literally nothing for me to complain about regarding this game. Even the fact that you have to double-back through the first two towers after defeating the guardians has never bothered me since the concept has been worked into the storyline. Normally, I'd be annoyed with such a setup, but not here.

Another thing I love about this game is the constant battle of the cynics between the Bard and the Narrator: the Bard completely jaded on the whole notion of adventuring and princess-rescuing and the Narrator, well he's just generally annoyed with the Bard and all of his needless tomfoolery. Not only does their quibbling bring laughs, but it continually moves the story forward in a rather unorthodox fashion regarding the player or Bard's sudden newfound omniscience, or what would typically be the lack thereof in any other game. Either way, the Narrator's remarks, whether it be about the Bard or some random acquired token, are just priceless.

Ok, I do have one teeny-weeny, little issue with this game, but it's almost not even worth mentioning because it doesn't even effect the gameplay at all, but I must. Why the hell does it take so many donations to collect all the extras? Seven-hundred!? Are you kidding me!? And other than the artwork, they're not even worth it - trust me. I foolishly sat around for an hour or so making all seven-hundred donations so I could achieve the 100% completion benchmark I set myself. First off, you need ~70k silver (depending on your Charisma) to even manage all the required donations, and that's not an entirely easy feat in and of itself. The whole thing reminds me of the 200 consecutive jumps you need to achieve in the Thunder Plains in Final Fantasy X for Lulu's ultimate weapon (or whoever's weapon you get). It's as if the whole thing is just some sort of sick joke on the developer's part to see if they can con any idiots into trying it. Well, they got me. (jerks....)

Rating: 5 Bodbs out of 5

NES - The Legend of Zelda

Haiku-Review:

one hero, two quests
a triangle and princess
romp through nostalgia

Addition Comments:

Well, I suppose I should start by stating the following: unlike most gamers who grew up on the NES, I never played LoZ as a kid. I had some friends that had the game and yea, it seemed mildly interesting when they showed it to me, but not enough to really grab my attention. After all, as stated before, I was an avid fan of platformers. Anyway, the years passed and eventually, after the 8-bit and 16-bit systems fell out of style due to the N64 and PS1 taking the reins, I rekindled my affinity for the old systems and started seeking out a lot of those old games that I missed out on. Legend of Zelda was one of the first I sought out, as I was well aware of the prestigious ranking the game held among retro gamers and sort of felt guilty that I never gave the game a fair chance as a kid. From the opening theme to the final showdown with Ganon, I was enthralled - I really did miss out on a classic as a kid.

Here it was, the late 90s, and I finally realized why gamers went nuts over this franchise. Eventually, I bought the Zelda Collection for GameCube and played through the entire game again, for the second time, and I think it was at this time that I actually gave the master quest a fair shot as well. I don't remember much, although I know I never completed it and am fairly certain I quit in frustration sometime after the third labyrinth.

Fast forward to the present - with my latest completion, I believe I've knocked out the first quest four times now, but finally, after all these years, I have driven the final nail into the coffin that is the master quest. Holy Shit! The master quest is one of the most unforgiving, convoluted mindfucks I've ever come across. With the introduction of invisible passageways and 1-way secret passages, the frustration level just skyrockets once these annoyances start teaming up with 1-way shutters. I can't even recall the amount of times I had to keep redoing the entirety of Labyrinth 7 due to a wrong turn involving a 1-way shutter or bad usage of the labyrinth's included 1-way secret passageway. Oh, and tracking down Labyrinth 6 was a nightmare on its own. I think I bombed every rock I could and burned down every tree I came across. Sheesh....

Nevertheless, LoZ is a great game. However, and it is really hard to criticize the game, I really don't think it's the best NES game out there as so many claim. I'll admit, for its time, the game was revolutionary and it completely redefined the action-adventure genre, but when it comes to the fun and replayability factor, this game just doesn't rank as well as other NES games for me. Frankly, it plays slow and being a puzzle game, the replay value is fairly diminished every time I give it a whirl. But that's not to say it's a bad game - far from it. After all, as my top 25 states, it's in my top 15.

As far as the franchise itself, it's hard to rank - maybe 5th favorite out of the titles I've played (I've played 9 different Zelda games to date for those that are curious). Again, it was amazing in its day, I'm sure, but after the material presented in both LttP and OoT laid the groundwork for the future of the franchise, completely reshaping the mechanics and nature of the game, LoZ just doesn't have a fighting chance. I don't understand these people who still think LoZ is the best one of them all. Personally, I think they looking at the game through nostalgia goggles, but to each their own.

But enough of that - criticism aside, amazing game with equally amazing music, although I will admit, about a third of the way through the master quest, I was getting pretty damn sick of listening to the same OW and Labyrinth music forever and anon. So, to continue my aurally induced illness, I present the Labyrinth Theme. (I never thought I'd grow to hate the music of Zelda.)

Rating: 4 Like Likes out of 5

XB360 - Bioshock 2

Haiku Review: 

From a drill melee,
For a little sister's cries,
You're the Big Daddy!

Additional Comments:

First: yeah...that haiku sucked. But, second, DUDE, this game was awesome! I was huge fan of the first game. In fact, I think that Bioshock (1) was probably the best game ever made. The environment was wonderful, the story was riveting and suspenseful and philosophical, the weapons and plasmids (magic) were satisfying, and the many other little things in the game made it a delight to play. To me, Bioshock is the maturity of the "Fallout direction" in gaming--meaning that the world is certainly one of the biggest stars, and survival one of the biggest gameplay devices, but you don't have to sacrifice story and content to prove you can make a survival game.

So I hear that BS2 is coming out, and I honestly have pessimistic feelings about it right off the bat. I'm kind of an anti-advocate for the trend in gaming to hammer out a new sequel to cashcow franchise every year, and after the satisfying conclusion of the first game, I didn't think they had anywhere to go with the story, for one, but also I didn't think they could even make a successor that was even remotely close to the penultimate paragon of my gaming experience. And it wasn't even made by the same developer! Needless to say, there were many obstacles in my mind.

But I gave it a shot, and borrowed it from my brother. I played it for about an hour on the first night, and I had to admit, this game is awesome. The story is still good. Even though it's a sequel story-wise, and I thought there was nowhere to go, they actually went to the back-story of how the Big Daddies and Little Sisters started. The world is as beautiful (in a broken down sort of way) than ever. But the biggest delight was that all the little inconveniences in the first game were streamlined and honed into a better version. The hacking is better, the guns and upgrades are better, the combat is better, the plasmids are better. And the new addition of the Big Sister surprised me at how good it was.

My only gripes are small ones. The music is virtually nonexistent in this game. I understand why, though, since it adds even more immersion to take away the music in this case and have the natural sounds fill your ears. That said, it still does have music, but more in the theatrical sense, along the lines of a suspenseful movie. It's there only when you want to build drama. My other quibble is that the dramatic tension in this game is somewhat less than in the first. There were many scenes and stages in the first where I literally sat on the edge of my seat as I played, hoping to not have something pop out in front of my face, having something do just that. In this game, there are couple of moments where it seems like that, but it just isn't all there. But, like I said, that's just a quibble. But my biggest (minor) gripes are about the story. Though the story was almost just as good as the first--and certainly just as immersive and satisfying--it seemed a little convoluted at times. And the ending scene dumbfounded me at how close it resembled the ending to the first game. It was almost identical.

Minor--very minor--gripes aside, this was a huge surprise, and was a really great game.

Rating:  5 crazy Big Sisters out of 5

What Happened? Where's the Games?

In lieu of my month-long absence, I thought I'd poke my head in here and calmly advise on the behalf of both of us: Don't Panic! (As if anyone is - *looks at minuscule follower's element* - sigh) We're still pointing our fingers at all those nasty little games that need to be beaten, and surely there's more than enough to still go around. It's just that we both needed a bit of a break from gaming for a little bit, get our minds on something else before our heads exploded from video game overexposure. Well that, and, I can't really speak for Sven, but I've just gotten busy with other stuff that's taken me away from gaming at the moment. However, I can say that I have about 10 different games that I currently have save/check points of some sort or another as I work them towards 100% completion. All I can say is that more "games beaten" are in the pipeline.

XB360 - Fallout New Vegas

Haiku Review:  

A truth: Fallout is
the nexus between sci-fi
and Cracker Barrel.

Additional Haiku:

In dystopia,
the future will make caps cash, 
clipboards plentiful.

Additional Comments:

I should probably start this by telling you my reaction to Fallout 3 a couple of years ago. I'd heard about the game--I mean how could you not, since it was on every forum, commercial, and game site--so I got it for my PC (since I didn't have a console at the time), and right away, I started getting less sleep. I played and played and PLAYED that game so much. And truth be told, I think that was one of the finest games I've ever played. Sure there were tons of bugs in the game, the story was iffy, and the characters and graphics weren't that good, really, but the world, environment, feel, music, VATS, decision-making, and so many other things made a phenomenal game--I would dare say it was a work of art.

Fast-forward to October of this year, and I get a gift on my birthday of the pre-ordered New Vegas game. I may have screamed like the Nintendo 64 kid. FALLOUT NEW VEGAAAAAAAS!!!  Got the game at midnight, played the crap out of it for two straight weeks, and, to my chagrin, though it is good, it is not as good as Fallout 3.

It's an unfortunately thing when you have to make a sequel to such an amazing game. Most of the time, it's impossible to make a good follow-up. What gets me the most is why they didn't just make Fallout 4. They had the time and resources. Surely they had the demand. Instead what we get in New Vegas is little more than a giant DLC. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it left me scratching my head, asking, "Why?"

They did do a lot of things in the game that improved upon Fallout 3. First, the faction system is really great, I think. They streamlined the menus for your companions, so you don't have to hold conversations with them in order to store stuff. You can actually have 2 companions (one robot and one human) at a time--not to mention other people you can hire or summon, which leaves you with a possible 5 person party. There are fewer skill books (thank GOD!), but the books you do find give you more points. There are skill magazines which temporarily raise a specific skill. There are better perks. There's a pretty neat crafting system in the game. There are a ton of quests--even more than Fallout 3. And there are companion quests, which I thought were the best quests in the game. There's iron-sights on your guns, which a great touch for those familiar with FPS's. They added "hardcore mode" which isn't a difficulty, but is a way of playing that is more challenging. In hardcore, you have to regularly drink water, eat, and sleep, your stimpacks heal over time, and your ammo has weight. And there's Wayne Newton as "Mr. New Vegas", probably the coolest character in the game. I've beaten the game several times now. I saved the game at a critical point where you have to decide which faction you want to continue till the end with. What I've found most impressive is how ambiguous each side is. I picked one side because I saw them as inherently good, but when you progress through the game, they're not quite as good as I'd thought. And the "bad" side actually has some positives to it. Each faction has its own motives for changing the region, each something noble and ignoble. That actually impressed me quite a bit.

So what are the downsides? Well, first of all, you aren't in Washington D.C. That may sound like a small thing, but the genius of Fallout 3 is that even if you've never been to D.C., you still know what it looks like, and the architecture has a certain resonance all its own. Plus, being in an urban environment is great for condensing game content in a smaller radius, making the game feel like there's something around every corner. In New Vegas, you have desert. There are only a couple of noticeable features, but even then, it never seems as cool or as epic. I mean, in a nuclear war, why would Las Vegas be targeted at all? It makes a lot more sense in D.C., for gameplay, story, and emotional resonance. Also, the music isn't that great. This was one of the things I was looking forward to the most. With Fallout 3, I didn't think I would like the music of the 40s, but it grew on me. And while playing the game, I actually fell in love with the genre and its stars. In New Vegas, there are some good hits here and there, but mostly I thought it fell flat. There are several very annoying songs in the game, and fewer songs in general. I found myself just turning off the radio and listening to the ambient soundtrack, which is decent. The genre of music changed to country western, and though it did convert me to a fan of the genre in general, I still hated this soundtrack. The worst was Johnny Guitar. Oh God. Another thing I didn't like about the radio is that, though I really found Wayne Newton's character of Mr. New Vegas charming and likable, overall the radio broadcast didn't quite have that epic feel that Fallout 3 had. For instance, in Fallout 3 if you do something good or bad, the DJ of Galaxy Radio notices what you did and will report that on the air, telling everyone that there is some "Messiah of the Wastes" or "Wasteland Marauder" or something like that. In New Vegas, the idea is still there, but it's watered down to just a footnote in the broadcast. Mr. New Vegas doesn't even know (or care) that it's one person out there who is dramatically changing the balance of power. So when you do something good, it's told as "some third party contractor did so-and-so." Lame. Also, the karma system is back in this game, but I don't know what it does. It seems like it does nothing at all. The faction system is really what you're going to be paying attention to. The story is pretty dumb. It's so bad that you don't even care what happens in the game. Actually, I kind of wondered what the whole point of this game was to begin with. In Fallout 3, you search for your dad--probably not original, but arguably a timeless story. In this game, you're a courier. Big freakin' deal. Who the heck even cares? The whole story in this game is that you deliver a package. Yes. That's it. Hardcore mode wasn't really that hardcore. My friends think I'm a glutton for punishment for playing games at their hardest setting, but this was extremely easy. You can even set the difficulty on very easy and still play on hardcore if you wanted. With as much food and drink available, eating and drinking weren't hard to do. Sleeping wasn't hard since you get three (yes, three) places to live. The fact that stimpacks healed over time wasn't that big of a deal, since food does that anyway. Sure, ammo has weight, but if you have companions what's the big deal? You use them as pack mules and there's no problem. But the worst part is that there are so many bugs in this game. More than I had to deal with on Fallout 3. I saw a radscorpion made from wooden planks. I saw a guy grow his fingers out like Lady Deathstrike. I even saw a person flee from me in horror, only to run into the ground, so it looked like half of a torso was skimming atop the sands. And the freezes. Good God, man. The game froze up more times than I can count. And that's what bothered me the most. It wasn't that bad since the game as a great auto-save function, but when you have to physically turn off the console when you really just want to relax and play a game--that's annoying!

I hate to sit here and write about how this compares to Fallout 3, but ultimately I have to, since it looks and feels more like a DLC than a sequel. Though I have said a lot that it does wrong, this game really is quite good. And if you liked Fallout 3, you'll enjoy this game.


Rating:  4 wooden scorpions out of 5

Nano-rant Review:

Caravan, you are the strangest, hardest, dumbest card game to ever be in a videogame. Also, stop freezing, game!!!!!!!!!!!!

XBLA - Monday Night Combat

Haiku Review:

Gladiators meets
NBA basketball meets
Team Fortress 2...Yes.

Additional Comments:

So I'm at my friend's house, we're eating pizza and playing some videogames, when he asks me if I'd heard of MNC. He tells me a brief rundown of what it's all about, and, in theory, it sounds amazing. And as I state in the haiku review, it's exactly like that. Only with co-op. So, we download the demo to see how it plays, and we are having a blast. The co-op is engaging, the stylistic aesthetic is cool, the challenge is welcome, and the controls are decent. There's even a tower defense aspect of the game, because the main game type pits you against rushes of robots trying to overwhelm your money ball. To keep them away, you can shoot 'em, use your abilities on 'em, or buy turrets and set them up at designated spots so they can shoot 'em. We finish the one level that we were allowed to play on the demo, and we reiterate that we just have to download this game right away. So I drive home after a fun day with my friend, download the game, try my hand at playing it solo, and...I beat the entire game in twenty minutes. Apparently there's only one level to this game. Honestly, I don't know why I had such high hopes for an XBLA game. It's just a downloadable title, and if we're really honest here, we all know that they're like the retarded step-child of the gaming world. The games you really want to play all have discs and plastic boxes and cost $60 a pop (my GOD they're so expensive!).

Now, granted there are a couple other games modes here. I believe there are 3-4 total. But honestly, there's such little variety in the gameplay and level design that it might as well be the same dadgum thing. You have six characters to play with, only three of which are useful. Those being the Tank, Gunner, and Assault class. The Support is useless when playing by yourself or online (typically), the Sniper isn't very fun to play with and has a weak gun, and the Assassin has high and low points, but her health is so weak that she's not fun to play with. The presentation of this game is absolutely stellar, and that's probably the best part about this game. For a downloadable title, it is very polished in its design, and it actually took me aback when I first played it. Now, controls for a shooter are super important, and this game has decent controls, but it seemed like they just tried to cram too much into the abilities, and it seemed a little sluggish to me. The HUD is a mess and is really confusing. Also, whenever some of the enemies hit you, there's almost no indication that you're being hit. No vibration, no sound, and if I'm not mistaken, not even much of a response on the HUD. So you think you're doing great when all the sudden you randomly die without warning. The online play is a freakin' joke. The characters are WAY unbalanced, and the most popular character to play is the Gunner, and he's pretty much unstoppable. The online play has made me the maddest I think I've ever been with a game. Ever. I died so quickly and so often that it literally made me scream. And I'm talking one of those creepster, maniac, psycho screams that makes you think about going to therapy for professional help.

I've read that the creators are working on some of the issues of balancing and are adding new levels. Apparently they're going to add a couple of other things here and there and are giving away the first "expansion". I might download it. I'm still seriously pissed at this game. I almost doubt that they'll get it right. Man, I had such high hopes for this game, too. This is one game that proves that great graphics mean absolutely nothing when the gameplay has huge flaws.

Rating:  2.5 acronyms out of 5

Nano-rant:   This game owes me 1000 microsoft points.

DS - Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story

Haiku Review:  

Bowser steals the show,
Each Bro has his own button,
In a pinch, press both!

Additional Comments:

Man, I love the DS. When a game is done right on that system, it such a treat. This is definitely one of those games. This is my first Mario and Luigi title, though I'm very familiar with Mario RPG, which is its progenitor, so playing an RPG with the Bros. isn't exactly foreign to me.

First off, let me say that this is one of the best DS games that I've played. Though I can't give this game a perfect score, this game uses the DS's capabilities in really fun ways, like when you have to blow into the microphone for Bowser to blow fireballs, or when you have to turn the DS vertically in order to fight off a castle (yes, you really do!). The story is typical Mario zaniness, and it makes no sense, but it completely works because you know right away what you're getting into when you play this game. It's really about the fun factor and polish and not about the emotional resonance you get from a game like Mass Effect. I also really like that you use Bowser so much in the game. Basically what happens is that Boswer sucks up a whole town and Mario and Luigi happened to be there when he did, so you're inside Bowser's body most of the time. Most of the exploration (until later in the game) is done by Bowser, and when trouble comes along, and he can't go it alone, Mario and Luigi do something inside his body that effects some change, like making Bower super strong so he can pick up a boulder or increasing his metabolism so he can lose weight after getting fat from engorging himself.

The battle system is very fun and should be familiar to most veterans of RPGs. You basically have all the basics, just with a Mario twist. You have basic attacks (jumps), alternate attacks (hammer), special attacks, and items. And in all of these (except for items) you can do extra damage if you time the attack right and press the corresponding button on time. The enemies are really fun, and they play differently when you fight them with the Bros. or with Bowser. Each enemy has a "tell" that shows what they'll do when they attack, and you can either escape damage all together or lessen damage by timing your button press as you do in the attack options. The special attacks are really cool and are almost mini-games of a sort. The only problems I had with the special attacks was that only a couple of them seemed useful, you really get too many of them, and some of them were just way too hard to pull off.

The music in this game is awesome. I think most Mario games have awesome music, but this has some of the best Mario music around, in my opinion. A couple of my favs: Toad Town, Bumpsy Plains, Plack Beach, and Dimble Wood. I found myself humming and whistling these songs while playing--even while not playing. They're just so darn catchy.

My biggest complaint about this game is something that some will like more than me. Too me, this game was way too long for what it was. I enjoy long games (heck, right now I'm playing Fallout New Vegas!), but at 35 hours, you can only take so much Mario. Some people will obviously disagree with me on that, so it just comes down to personal taste, but to me, it seemed way too long and really dragged toward the end. The other thing is that there really is no need to find everything in this game. The last enemy doesn't really even fight the Bros., so there's no point in finding the rare gear for them. And the last fight, though challenging, isn't a slug match with each side throwing blows at each other. Rather, it's almost a puzzle to find the perfect way to evade danger and KO the bad guy--which reminds me of Shadow of the Colossus. The other thing I wish the DS (or Wii, for that matter) had is achievments of some sort. Those always make the game more enjoyable for me, and it would be a welcome gimmick for Nintendo.

Rating:  4 mushrooms out of 5

GG - The Lucky Dime Caper Starring Donald Duck

Haiku-Review:

a Lucky Dime crime
pens a tale of wanderlust
for a pantsless duck

Additional Comments:

There's very little to say about this game. Basically, what appears to be Sega's dumbed-downed version of DuckTales, this game is nothing more than a basic platformer that can easily kill an hour or two. It certainly isn't a spectacular game in any account, but it's not the worst platformer out there either. It's just a mildly okay 8-bit platformer using the same old tricks and gimmicks seen elsewhere.

A rather peculiar quirk in the game, which kept me guessing, was that one of the BGM's had a strange beeping sound that would show up every now and then. It sounded so much like a timer countdown that I either expected a Time-Up or something to suddenly explode. Now, from what I understand, the SMS version of the game has a timer for all of the levels except for Stage 1, however, the timer is absent in the Game Gear version - which definitely allows for better analyzation of each new obstacle. So I knew there was no timer to worry about, but it still confused me. Even late in the game when that particular BGM popped up, I still expected the worst. What a bizarre composition.

I also have a sneaking suspicion, based on what I've read, that the SMS version allows for two way level scrolling whereas the Game Gear version is restricted to one way level scrolling à la SMB. Not necessarily an issue, but the way some of the later levels are set up, allowing for exploration, it would definitely be a nice feature to have. I guess it's a fair trade-off though: disabling the timer, but suffering a locked level scroll. Oh well....

Rating: 2.5 dimes out of 5

Happy 25th NES!!!

On this day, 25 years ago, the greatest device to hit the video game market was introduced to a small, limited market in New York City. Although, technically, the Famicon was released in '83, it wasn't until June of '85 when North America got its first glimpse of the system and October 18th when we could first get our hands on one. And so, a tip of the hat to what is still my favorite video gaming console of all time.

Myself, I was first introduced to the system sometime in late '87 or early '88, if I recall correctly, through my cousins. I was completely blown away, being introduced to titles like Super Mario Bros and Rad Racer. And if my dates are correct, I would have gotten my system in the autumn of '88, and I still remember hooking it up to a tiny little TV stashed in the corner of my room and playing Super Mario Bros for the first time on my own system. Such wonderful memories....

Now, for the NES's 25th, I thought I'd list my 25 favorite games. These are games that, for me, hold incredible replay value and through the years have been just as fun and exciting to play as the first time I played them.

25. Double Dragon II: The Revenge
24. Tecmo Bowl
23. Little Nemo: The Dream Master
22. Battletoads
21. Dr. Mario
20. Super Dodge Ball
19. Excitebike
18. Mega Man 4
17. Spy Hunter
16. Contra
15. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
14. Legend of Zelda
13. Super Mario Bros. 2
12. Batman
11. StarTropics
10. Final Fantasy
9. Milon's Secret Castle
8. DuckTales
7. Mega Man 2
6. Micro Machines
5. Faxanadu
4. Gauntlet
3. Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers
2. Mega Man 3
1. Super Mario Bros. 3

PS3 - Killzone 2

Haiku Review:

Where are we? Helghan. 
What do we do? Kill Helghast.
Is that it? Uh...yeah.

Additional Comments/Flame War Rant:

I actually beat this game some time ago, but I thought it would be a good idea to put it on here since it's still fresh in my mind, for one, and also to show that I don't only play Xbox 360 games. Here at Beat All Games, we're really system agnostic. We really don't care about the flame wars over which system is better or not, because there's no point in arguing since every system is awesome in its own way. I may have a personal preference if I have to decide between having a game on the 360 or PS3, but it's only preference on petty creature comforts that I may like a little more with one system than another (e.g., controller ergonomics, friends, achievements/trophies, etc.). Rant over.

Now, I like shooters. And this was one of the most hyped-up shooters in recent years that I can think of. Did it live up to the hype? Well, yes. Mostly. First, let me say that this game looks INCREDIBLE. This is probably the best-looking game that I think I've ever played thus-far. And this game came out a few years ago! The setting and presentation of this shooter is also jaw-dropping--something dark, moody, and unique in its own right. It completely nails the setting of a bleak warzone. Really, it kind of felt like a futuristic WW2 game in some ways. The first mission is a landing on a beach front, the side you're on seems much like the Allies, the weapons even have a certain throwback to that era (even your standard default assault rifle is a lot like an American M4), and the enemies even look kind of like Nazis. But it's in the future. I think. At least...it's on another planet. So, even if it may seem like a ripoff, they completely pull it off.

The story...eh...don't buy it for the story. Buy it for the killing of Helghans. The story isn't anything new or interesting, really. It just takes you from point A to point B. And the squad that you're with are pretty unlikable guys. My friend quit playing this game for that reason alone. (Pretty strange reason, I must admit.)

The controls are a major point of contention in this game. Supposedly, the developers wanted to have a feel of weight to your character, so the controls are a little sluggish and the guy doesn't really run fast at all--kind of like he's weighed down with thirty pounds of gear. There was a pretty big outcry about this, so the developers made a patch that apparently fixed the problem, allowing you to turn the sluggishness on or off via a menu function. I tried it both ways and I honestly can't tell a difference. But I left it off just in case. Yeah, it's still pretty sluggish--not nearly as fluid as, say, Halo--but I didn't really mind. I adapted fairly quickly.

The multiplayer is decent, but I didn't fall in love with it. It had sparks of genius here and there with their class system, but you had to unlock everything and it meant that you just have to grind to get to the point where you can actually play what you want. By then you're sick of playing and don't give a crap.

But the biggest thing that I hated about this game is that most of the trophies are only attainable through multiplayer. GRRRRR. And since the multiplayer didn't blow me away, I only got about a quarter of the available trophies. And since I'm a trophy/achievement whore, I cried. Then I got ANGRY!

Rating:  3.5 Nazi helmets out of 5  (great presentation and the action is great, but the multiplayer was lacking for me, personally)

Nano-rant:

Only 25% of the effin' trophies!!!!!!!!

SMS - Sonic the Hedgehog 2

Haiku-Review:

where art thou Sonic?
for a phony I'm certain
treads this 8-bit land

Additional Comments:

I'll just come out with it then: this game is a grave disappointment! And what really tears me here is how hard it is for me to say that concerning any early Sonic platformer. After all, like I stated in the review for Sonic the Hedgehog, the Sonic series is my favorite platforming series, but this game makes me ashamed to admit so. Thankfully, the Master System games are little known. But seriously, this game feels cheap and outsourced. All the charm and imaginative use of 8-bit technology is just...absent. Whereas in the first SMS Sonic, where I delighted in venturing through the game, despite its quirky oddities and limitations; here, as soon as I hit Aqua Lake, I was really beginning to loathe the game and felt it had become nothing more than meaningless and toilsome drudgery. From the lazy design, to stiff control and almost total lack of speed, I wondered what the hell I was even playing - some sort of half-assed platformer with graphic swaps is my theory. You're not even battling Dr. Robotnik in this game (well, at least not until the very end), but instead the boss battles consist of bird eggs and a pig that looks like some sort of deformed Wolverine. What the fuck is going on here!?

Before I rant endlessly about this game, I suppose I should point out some, or what little highlights there are. There are some interesting gimmicks presented that are a step up from the first SMS title and seem to be imitating similar gimmicks found in Sonic the Hedgehog for the Genesis such as the spinning, sticky gears/discs. This game also introduces vehicles, however, they're either pointless or infuriating due to their shitty control. Although clever in concept, they should have been left out. I'd much rather have used Sonic's own speed and roll down the hills as opposed to using an uncontrollable mine cart, but that's just me. Of course, since Sonic doesn't even seem to have his trademark speed in this game, the mine cart's probably the better choice in this situation. Well, there you go, I can't even talk up the good points without laying into this game.

So what else - ah, the music. For the life of me, I don't even know what the music sounds like in this game. Ok, Underground Zone had some good music, but the rest of the game lacked the musical pizazz or "oomph" that so many early Sonic games contained. All around, this game was just depressing. Do yourself a favor and be sure to leave this game be. If you want to preserve the magic of what a Sonic platformer should be, or experience a Sonic game for the first time, steer clear of this undeserving presentation. It flat out sucks!

Nano-rant:

Fuck that pipe-maze bullshit in Scrambled Egg Zone! Also, fuck the countless occurrences of blind leaps of faith over spike-laden valleys (looking at you Green Hills Zone)!! This game has some of the worst level design I've ever seen - flat out, fuck this game!!!

Rating: 1.5 rings out of 5

PS1 - Crash Bandicoot

Haiku-Review:

a gem collecting,
box smashing cyclical route -
I missed a box? Damn!

Additional Comments:

When the Nintendo 64 first came out, I was completely unimpressed and miserably let down. Therefore, I decided to forgo the system and await the promising Sony Playstation, and still to this day, looking back, I'm glad I did. Now, I remember when I got the system, it came with a demo disc showcasing two to five minute demos of new and upcoming releases. One of the games showcased was Crash Bandicoot and from what little I was able to make of the game (a playthrough of the second level: Jungle Rollers, with gem intact - also happens to be one of my fave tunes) I was in awe. To date, it was the most impressive platformer I had ever seen. But sadly, I never came to own a copy of the game - and I don't really know why. The only reason I can possibly come up with is that I took full advantage of the fact that with the Playstation, there was finally a system that was worthy of the racing genre (which after platformers, is my second favorite gaming genre).

Anyways, here it is so many years later, and I finally got to play this game. Wow, this game is exactly what I always suspected it of being - a marvelous platformer which, despite it's interesting 3D perspectives, still contains the feel of a traditional 2D platformer. In fact, this is probably the only 3D (or technically quasi-3D) platformer that I've come across that still plays like a platformer should, without relying on tricky camera repositioning and having to put in the guesswork of lining up your character regarding strange perspective jumps - a lot of which really irked me in some of the N64 games. The levels are well designed, beautifully depicted (considering the age of the game), contain interesting gimmicks and the difficulty ramps at a nice even pace. However, everything echoes with an eerie similarity to a series I've played somewhere before. *coughDKCcough*

It's curious - when I first started up a new game I found myself looking at a map a bit reminiscent of Donkey Kong Country's map. At least, it was enough to invoke some questioning chin-rubbing. Let's investigate further, shall we: familiar jungle backdrops and rhythms, fruit collecting, hmm.... It felt as though I was playing Sony's answer to Rare's classic series. Of course, that's not to say the game can't hold its own - it certainly can, and does so in impeccable style.

I do have one question though. Why the heck is Crash tweaking so much? I'm beginning to suspect that Dr. Cortex is nothing more than a pusher running some sort of maniacal meth lab with his accomplice, Dr. Brio. No wonder Crash is so eager to get back into that castle. I don't think he was out to save Tawna after all, otherwise, why not just escape with her after a bonus round? Eh?

Rating: 4.5 boxes out of 5

NES - Milon's Secret Castle

Haiku-Review:

bubbles everywhere,
umbrellas floating skyward -
damn Maharito!

Additional Comments Rant:

Oh boy - Milon's Secret Castle. Where to begin? Well, to even begin discussing this game, I first have to address a peculiar situation I've come to notice that has cropped up over the past few years regarding the "shittiness" of various games. Now, most games commonly regarded as bad games among the gaming populace are typically bad games. However, it seems a new movement of those who are eager to point fingers in snide derision have surfaced ever since the arrival of James Rolfe's humorous videos in the guise of The Angry Video Game Nerd. Don't get me wrong, I love his videos just as much as the next guy and am a regular follower of his game-related rants - and damn, they do crack me up, but my problem doesn't lie with AVGN. It's with all of those jack-asses out there flooding various gaming forums and whatnot that can't form their own opinions on what games suck and why. So what games suck, I wonder. Mysteriously, they all seem to be games that AVGN just so happened to make a video of. Strange that a single person can have such a monopolized stranglehold on the unveiling presentation of shitty games. Stranger still, the unabashed platitude that all these blowhards spew out mercilessly happens to be the very reasons expressed in James's AVGN videos. Well I'll be a sonovabitch....

Now, I don't want to hog this entire post with my anger over internet idiots and their inability to think for themselves, but to properly express my opinions on this game, I feel I must. As far as AVGN's review of Milon's Secret Castle - I respect it, but I totally disagree with it. (To me, Milon's Secret Castle is a fantastic puzzle game, whereas AVGN condemns it as a shitty platformer.) But because his video even exists here in cyberspace, time and time again I happen across the following in various "worst game" threads: "You never know what to do. Everything is hidden. Your weapon is a crappy bubble etc etc (basically all the same rigmarole stated in AVGN's video). Wow, all I'm really getting from these posts is our new worst-game regime harshly casting judgment on a game based entirely on hearsay and the "now" popular opinion of why this game supposedly sucks. It all just makes me want to smash my head against a wall. Come up with your own fucking opinions for once!

But wait, you're just angry because people are hating on this game.

No. If people don't like this game, that's fine. But to hate it just because a popular video series included it is ignorant. And like I said, due to the content of such slanderous remarks resounding so coincidentally with AVGN's remarks, it's hard to think otherwise. Same with games like Action 52, Superman 64, Link: Faces of Evil or even (dare I mention) Plumbers Don't Wear Ties. Yea, these games look horrible, and they probably are, but you know what - I haven't played any of 'em (and I highly doubt a lot of other people have too, ok Superman 64 is most likely an exception) so I really can't state any sort of opinion one way or the other. Sure, I could throw out an opinionated perception of the game, but I just can't give an honest opinion until I've played them. So maybe these are the worst, maybe they're not. Point being, play the game before you state an opinion - and if you still don't like it, then there you go, and at least now you'll have your own reasons why (or so I hope).

Additional Comments (for realsies this time):

Enough of that, let's discuss the game. Hands down, this is one of the absolute best NES game I've ever played - so much so that if it's not in my top 5 NES games, then it's definitely in my top 10. I remember renting this game all the time as a kid. In fact, I think the only other NES game I rented more often than this was Micro Machines. The game is a terrific puzzle-based sidescroller with platforming elements and reminds me of other titles like Solomon's Key or Nail n' Scale. And I really think that's the key to this game - if you perceive it solely as an action-based platformer, then yea, I can understand why one might whine about it, but if you look at it as a puzzle game - then it's fantastic and cleverly executed.

True, everything, and I mean everything, is hidden in the most obscure, convoluted places, but to me, that's the core of the game - what possible secrets could still be out there? I think as many times as I've played this game over the years, I know there's still some stuff hidden in there that I'm not aware of. The story, though a typical "save the princess," does have an interesting lead-in, especially regarding Milon's background and the musical world of Hudson. The music itself is very typical of early NES: bouncy and rather charming. One of my favorite tunes is the Well Theme.

Anyways, for as much as I loved this game, the one thing that always disappointed me was the lack of a sequel, or so I thought for so many years. About two or three years ago, I learned about the Japanese-only release for the Super Famicon, Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken. Holy Shit! That game is incredible! But I'll save all that praise for later.

Overall, Milon's Secret Castle is a great game that deserves a fair chance. And if you're playing it for the first time, or even for the nth time, you need to keep in mind what kind of game you're getting into. If you treat it purely as an action-platformer, you're going to end up discrediting it for all of the wrong reasons. Play it as a puzzle game and then discredit it for all the right reasons if you still don't like it. Otherwise, enjoy.

Nano-rant:

One other thing I should bring up, as I've seen numerous complaints regarding it, as mentioned some 5000 words ago - the usage of bubbles as a weapon. So what? Why is this such an issue to people? The last game I just reviewed, Illusion of Gaia, Will's using a flute, but no one seems to have any problem with that. Then again, I guess that's because he's thrusting it like a sword, but whatever....

Rating: 4.5 honeycombs out of 5

SNES - Illusion of Gaia

Haiku-Review:

a fascinating
twist on our Earth's history -
and the best places

Additional Comments:

I first encountered this game in the early 2000's when I had to purchase another SNES to replace my original one that had broken sometime in the mid-late 90s. The game came free, along with a few others, when I bought it off of eBay. I was curious, as I think up to that point, I may have only known the game by title, and in passing at that. Right off the bat, I loved this game and to this day it is still one of my all-time favorite SNES games and probably still my favorite game that has the Enix brand attached to it. I've just always enjoyed the action/adventure fighting style so much more then the unwieldy turn-based system that other Enix products had. But there's so much more reason then just that.

Illusion of Gaia has one of the greatest stories I've come across - which, to me, presents a rather atypical ending and what's-to-come considering its roots in the strange history/fantasy mélange that supports it. What's more, the story takes you to some of the most fantastic places in our own history/mythology such as the Nazca Lines, Angkor Wat and even Mu. Are you kidding me? They went with Mu over Atlantis - that is fucking awesome!!

Also, both the music and graphics are superb. The dungeon themes, especially, are devilishly intense and really create a mood of danger, which I think helps give the dungeons the feeling that they're harder then they really are. But my favorite tune is probably the peaceful Itory Village.

I suppose if I absolutely had to make a complaint, it would probably be the total linear gameplay that the game incorporates. Although it really doesn't bother me, there is really no game deviation going on here, though if you can manage to find all 50 gems, you do get to visit a bonus dungeon known as Gem's Mansion. In my most recent playthrough, I was still unaware of this and only found out while researching some minor inconvenience on GameFaqs. Damn, I was already so close to the end too, did I really want to restart the whole game? You bet I did. Unfortunately, Gem's Mansion was nothing to brag about, though it did have a really cool Layer 1 effect going on with scrolling ghosts. However, the boss, Solid Arm, is much harder than Dark Gaia, which in my opinion is a fairly easy boss for an end boss. In fact, Solid Arm gave me more trouble than those dastardly Vampires in Mu - but that could be because I've finally gotten use to those two - though I certainly recall raging pretty badly the first time I ever fought them.

Oh, one other nit-picky concern is the game's use of Mode 7. As cool as the effect probably was in its time - I find it to be nothing more than unnecessary bling that really slows down gameplay. I love the map, but I think the whole Mode 7 bit could have been executed better.

Nano-rant:

Ok, I do have one other complaint. Kara is a fucking, stuck-up, prude little bitch who I want to punch in the throat repeatedly. Seriously, I don't think there is any other game character in the history of video games that I hate as much as her. She makes the raft scene an absolute chore to play through, and leaves me pleading with Will to just boot her into the ocean - let the shark's finisher her once and for all. And then, without want to give the ending away - WTF!?!?!?

Rating: 4.5 gems out of 5

XB360 - Halo: Reach

Haiku Review:

Somewhat okay tale
of Spartans and Covenant.

Get pwned by a teen! 

Additional Comments:

First I must admit something to you: this is the first Halo game I've really played. I have tinkered with the series occasionally at a friend's house, but I never really cared for the game. I tried to like it. But I noticed one glaring truth about Halo at large: many people who love this game--yes, those who are great at this game--are certifiable douchebags. It's a proven fact. And because I try my darnedest to try to not be a douchebag, Halo and I just never became friends. Also, while we're being completely frank, let's just admit that this is just another space marine story (*groans*). I will say that they did add an interesting twist with the ringworld or "halo" in the first game, but again, this has been done before. So if you like reading at all--which I admit that probably most of Halo's fanbase probably never reads anything beyond the drunken texts that their friends send them, replete with the words "Brah" and "duuuuude"--and especially if you are into sci-fi at all, then you've read the complete story in Starship Troopers by the revered Robert Heinlein and Ringworld (another classic) by Larry Niven. There it is. Halo. Don't even bother with the official Halo books or even trying to like the story, because if you've read any good sci-fi lit, then you're already a snob--I must admit that I'm that snob.

However. I also have to admit that though I went into this game with huge reservations and preconceived notions, this game really surprised me. I even...like...love this game! The story is still not good, and I still don't even know what happened, thought the ending was pretty cool I guess, but the presentation and controls are solid. The newer additions of the jetpack and powers are awesome. I first thought that the whole credit/experience system was going to be stupid, but I've already spent a lot of time refining the look of my Spartan, buying that one shoulder pad or the cool blue visor color. It seems like Bungie really wanted to up the ante and make Halo compete better with newer mega-hits, like Modern Warfare. They added a ton of awards that you can earn with give you more credits along with the obvious cool points. The online multiplayer is a friggin' blast. That was what I thought I would hate the most, but I actually love it the most. Every day there are new challenges that you can try to conquer that will give you additional credits and experience, and then there's also a harder weekly challenge that awards a hefty amount of creds. There are a few throwaway multiplayer types (like Infection and Invasion, where you either are a zombie trying to infect the rest, or you're trying to defend yourself against the infected. You can make a "Psyche Profile" which is just a way of saying what type of player you are. It seems like you are placed in matches where you actually have a chance, because I haven't rage quit yet. Although I will say that though you can tell the Psyche Profile that you hate trash talk and want to play silently, there is still that ONE fourteen year old that has a mic and constantly annoys the living bejeezus out of everyone.

Now, I'm admittedly an achievement whore, so I try to get all the achievements/trophies that I can in a game. Most of these are very attainable. I even beat this on Legendary difficulty to maximize my achievement whoring (350 points in that!!). And let me tell you, I'm freaking P-R-O-U-D of myself for actually being able to do it. Because Legendary made this the hardest game I've ever played. Thankfully the checkpoint system is really good in this game and even though you will die a lot, you make enough progress through the game where it's never frustrating. Actually, you almost revere every checkpoint to the point where you feel like it's a mini-birthday.


Rating:   Solid 4.5 douchebags out of 5


Nano-rant Review:

Get ready to die.

NES - Bigfoot

Haiku-Review:

tear up engines and
cut your opponent down - it's
monster truck mayhem!

Additional Comments:

Hmm, it's really hard for me to criticize this game in the slightest even whilst knowing it is a game that seems to face some serious derision by gamers. I grew up with this game and as a kid, I freakin' loved it. This game brought together two of my favorite things as a kid: monster trucks and video games. Hell, throw dinosaurs in there too, and then we'd really have something cooking. Of course, playing it now, ok, perhaps it's not the greatest of games - but you know what? Who cares? As a kid, this game delivered everything I wanted: car-crushing, mud-bogging, hill-climbing, tractor-pulling awesomeness with a badass title screen portraying Bob Chandler himself standing next to his masterful creation. Goddammit, this game owned and I played the hell out of it.

Now, it's been years since I've played this game, and in fact, I sort of forgot all about this game. Because of that, it helped give me a slightly fresh perspective on the game - though not by much as I quickly learned that I still knew this game inside and out, even after all these years. And? Ok, I'll bite - yea, the controls are still just as shitty as I remember, the music still scathes with its annoying single-tone, southern rock-styled monotony and I'm still shaking my head over the slap-in-the-face end screen. Yet, just as it was 20 years ago, these are still just minor annoyances that can easily be overlooked - yes, even the bullshit left/right turbo taps on the d-pad with the awkward gear shifts. Of course, for everyone else in the world, I could probably guarantee an opposing response. But that's them.... (And fortunate for you all - I will spare you the music of this game.)

So there it is. Yea, maybe to most, it's a shitty game, but to me, it was a cool game that I absolutely loved as a kid and to my surprise, still enjoyed on my most recent run-through.

Nano-rant:

Despite my cheers, yea, those side-scrolling controls are fucking ridiculous. Prepare to feel some serious pain within your thumbs.

Rating: 3.5 engines out of 5

XBLA - Marvel vs. Capcom 2

Haiku Review:      


Hundred point combos
are easy, choosing Iron Man
and mashing buttons.

Additional Comments:

When I first talked to Sir Iain about beating this game, he was under the impression that this was called "Shark vs. Capcom". Which I thought was pretty hilarious and epic-sounding. That sounds like one tough shark to have all of Capcom pitted against it.

I actually played this game a lot when my friend had this on the Dreamcast (RIP). And even then this game was both awesome and ridiculous. Nothing's changed really, save for some updated graphics and online play. For the most part, this is exactly the same as I remember. What I forgot was how easy this was to make hundred-point combos and how hard the last couple of matches are. Granted, I probably really suck at this game. But the best part about it is that all my friends suck equally as much or even more than I do, so it seems like I'm great at this game.

The premise of this game is really cool (and obvious): many of the characters from the Marvel Comic universe against many of the characters from Capcom games. I remember when I first heard about this, I thought it was a kind of strange mix, but it works. The problem is that, with so many characters, there are a LOT of characters that are foreign to me. Chiefest being Amingo (who is that guy??). But there are many others that they don't need at all. For instance, on the Capcom side, you need all or most of the Street Fighter cast, you need Megaman, Roll, Jill Valentine, and Strider. But who is Amingo and B.B. Hood, and Ruby Heart? On the Marvel side, you need the cast of the X-Men, X-Force, and the Avengers (and enemies). But why Spiral and Silver Samurai and Blackheart and Shuma Gorath? And why two Wolverines? It almost seems like there are characters in here just for the sake of having characters. Many of those ancillary characters aren't even worth playing with because they suck so bad.

When playing this game, you honestly don't need much of a tutorial, really. Pretty much all you have to do is know the buttons for the super combos, because if you have that down, you are pretty much going to win. I'm sure there is probably strategy and such, but if you just mash buttons, you'll be all right.

We're going to start a 10 point rating system (on a five-point scale with half-point increments), so here it is:



Rating:  4 comic hotties out of 5



Nano-rant:

Wait...there was a MvC 1 ??


Nano-win:

WHOA!!  Rogue is SO HOT!!

Arcade - Hotdog Storm

Haiku-Review:

what a misleading
name for a sweet STG -
but where's the turbo?

Additional Comments:

From its quirky name to its surreal title card, there is surprisingly a nicely done STG tucked away inside, albeit it felt to be on the short side. Whatever the storyline or whatever the heck is going on, it doesn't even matter because the game manages to deliver exactly what it needs to: shooting down planes, tanks, spacecraft and other strange, flying apparatuses just for the fuck of it. However, by the time I really got into the groove of the game - properly handling bombs, dodging bullet spray and learning the various boss patterns, the game was over. Dammit, and I was just starting to really enjoy the game. And on top of that, it seemed as though that it sucked up a rather minimal amount of credits. Well, that's more money in my pocket (yes, even pocketing theoretical money is a plus).

Aside from the feeling that the game was over before it even began, my biggest gripe was a lack of turbo fire. Having to consistently punch the fire button in a non-stop canon-fodder STG is bullshit. Now, if there was a turbo fire option available without having to remap the controls, then I guess it's my own stupidity for overlooking it. But nevertheless, considering a release of 1996, I would think that the genre would have been around more than long enough for a game company to realize that on any form of STG, turbo should just be standard, if not an easily applied option. But what do I know, I'm just a player.

All in all, a cool little shooter that's unfortunately marred by a lack of turbo, though I suppose it is fortunate that the screen isn't amassed with countless thousands of enemies at all times so you are able to sneak in a rest here and there - for about a quarter of a second. Maybe in that short span of time you can enjoy some of the soundtrack, or you can just listen to Stage 1 here. Oh, and one last thing, not sure why, but I just loved the interesting landscapes that the early stages contained.

Nano-rant:

Did I mention no turbo = bullshit!?!?

Rating: 3 credits out of 5

XB360 - Gears of War 2

Haiku Review:  


Better than first game!
Call me a Locust,
because I am blown away

Additional Comments:

In presentation, this is very similar to the first game. But unlike the first game, the story is a little tighter and more emotional, there are more fun add-ons, better checkpoints/saves, even better graphics (thought the first game was very pretty), more rail levels, more guns, more difficulty levels with more a better feel of the difficulty on each level, better multi-player--really, it's better in every way. I don't if I have much else to say about it. This game is so much like the first game in the good ways, that I don't want to repeat myself from the review of the first game. Many of my minor gripes were fixed or addressed. The difficulty of Hardcore mode is a lot more manageable and is a lot less like Insane mode, which was one of the flaws from the first game. I really got sucked into this game. On the first night, I played it from 11 p.m. till 3 a.m.! They manage to control the tension of the game and story by breaking up the "normal" third-person shooter moments with more rail-shooter moments. The only downside is that they do this so many times that it borders on tedium. Plus, some of the rail moments are so hard! And after playing this game, I realize that I was actually right about my opinion that these are space marines, since the story in the game explains that this is on another planet called Sera and these Locust are possibly an alien race and not a terrestrial species. The multiplayer is so much better in this game and the achievements seem a lot more attainable. One thing I don't  like about the achievements is that this game assumes that you are just going to buy all the map packs and DLCs and so includes the achievements of those maps and DLCs on the game. Annoying. Man, the story is so much better in this game. So much better. It ends like the first in a "to be continued..." moment, but it's not that bad. It really makes me want to play the third game. Can't wait! And Horde mode is awesome!

Nano-rant Review:

DUDE!  SO MANY RAILS!!!

Rating: 4 strange new Locusts out of 5