N64 - The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Haiku-Review:

time-traveling Link,
seven years, a conundrum
Hyrule falls again?

Additional Comments:

Behold! Here stands one of the most acclaimed, if not the most acclaimed game of all time. And for those naysayers out there, just check out any number of top-ten games lists as documented by various gaming magazines, webzines, blogs, what-have-you from over the years. To make the task even easier, I found a nice little page that has accumulated a wealth of gaming lists, and well, no surprise here. Ocarina of Time has found its way into well over half of them; even accomplishing a bounty of top honors. Need I say more about its obvious preeminence? And it's not just Nintendo/LoZ zealots, it's the general gaming populace. Makes me wonder if I should cut this post short, slap on a 5 out of 5 and bask in the knowledge that for once I made a non-controversial post, for everyone's an Ocarina fanboy (or girl) and to say otherwise is heretical of the utmost degree. Post complete, ego boosted, everybody pleased....

Or maybe I'll choose to make a post that falls in line with the rest of my choleric banter whilst cowering behind the anonymity of internet authorship. After all, let's face it, despite the game's brilliance, it has smugly lumped itself on a heaping of undeserved ego for far too long. Maybe I'm just a lone outsider that doesn't fully understand the quality and scope of the game, or maybe I've felt a wee twinkle of the Triforce of Courage myself to stand tall and not be bought in by the copious OoT fandom that runs rampant, and is very nearly turbocharged thanks to our friend the internet. Meh, words will only tell.

I'm not trying to antagonize the Zelda faithful, or hell, even the casual Zelda gamer, but I am a bit puzzled over how this game has managed to rank so favorably by so many people. This alone makes me believe that I'm just overlooking something glaringly obvious, or it's time to face the truth: I'm a disagreeable twit in the world of video games. But really, I'm just making it sound worse than it is. Ocarina of Time is not a bad game. It's not even a mediocre game, or dare I say, good game. No. Ocarina is flat out fantastic. However, despite it being a total game changer, it's not a 10 out of 10 game. Yes, the presentation is immaculate, the gameplay is spot on, the world along with its numerous multi-level dungeons is a joy to explore, the story is engrossing (regardless of the inevitable befuddling invoked by any time-travelling tale), and the innovation, not just in the Zelda franchise, but in gaming in general, is beyond respect, but - and I really hate to insert such a nasty little conjunction; not just because of the general consensus regarding the game, but also out of my own admiration of the game - there is something amiss.

How can a game so perfect feel so imperfect? For me, knowing my storied past with the N64, the controller is the obvious scapegoat. Ah yes, that clunky, obtuse, plastic gargantuan that forces your fingers akimbo in the most ridiculous button rumba no matter the title. But I've got two reasons why the Nintendo 64 controller has been blessed with impunity. For once, Nintendo completely nullified the Lord of the Dance fingering tactics allowing easy control throughout - reason enough to applaud the game as it tamed the unwieldy beast. Additionally, my first playthough was done using the Legend of Zelda: Collector's Edition on the GameCube which uses an exponentially better controller, but more importantly, I vividly recall the same mild uneasiness flooding my receptors as I plodded through the game. It was this general sense of while I loved the game, I never quite loved the game - if that makes any sense. There's a certain something that just sort of rubbed me the wrong way. It was never enough to blemish the game into any sort of unfavorable obscurity, but enough to make me question its merit and knock it off its smug little perch. But what troubles me is that I can't really explain what it is.  Sounds argumentative for the sake of being argumentative - so that I can flick the white glove and snidely remark, "Pshaw your Ocarina of Time" - but it isn't.

I'm really pounding my head against the wall on this one and the reason is that every time I'm certain I've stumbled upon the crux of the problem, it's not really the problem. For instance, the intuitiveness of the game, it's completely bonkers. Looking at any other Zelda game, everything makes sense. Sure, some of the puzzle solutions may really ruffle your feathers, but when you find the solution you feel like the biggest dolt in the world because the answer was so blatantly obvious given the tools provided. Ocarina, on the other hand, doesn't quite adhere to this logic. In my pursuit to 100% it, I had to turn to GameFAQ's to hunt down the remaining few heart pieces and handful of Skulltula's that I missed. This was when the game really began to frazzle me. What ever would make me think to play the Song of Storms to open up a hole in the ground? There's no logic behind this and no insight that the Song of Storms is more or less equivalent to an ordinary shovel. Maybe if I learned the song from a ditch digger, that'd at least be something. And it's not just that. It's little irrational nuances throughout the game that shoulder enough of an annoyance to keep the game from perfection. I'd be happy to admit ignorance on my part if that were the case, but only if such were the case across the entirety of the Zelda series, stretching from Legend of Zelda all the way to Twilight Princess (I haven't played Skyward Sword yet, so...), but I've never had this problem in any other Zelda game, even Majora's Mask and well...I'll leave that for another time. Granted, my above example is unessential if you're just out to beat the game, so complaints seem arbitrary at best, but for me, it was just piling on to that mysterious strain of imperfection.

So then, what killed me on the straight and narrow if we're to shove all the optionals aside? I think it has to be item use. Looking back on my Link to the Past post, I talked about how that game nailed the item versus environment usage. It felt like the developers built the overworld with every single item in mind and did so without needlessly abusing certain items or using certain items just because they can. In Ocarina, it felt like these two entities; both very important to a Zelda game, were built with a blind eye towards the other. They never wholly interconnect with each other properly, and when items were put to use, it felt tacked on. Of course, this wasn't a prevalent problem, but when the two didn't quite gel, it felt ridiculously cheap. Again, I can refer back to the Song of Storms. Let it be a singular key. Were not going to feel duped because that one song only serves a single purpose. Same can be said with the dungeons. Why am I having to play the Song of Time or Zelda's Lullaby for puzzles that are not only blatantly obvious to solve, but serve no real purpose other than to add an extra 30 seconds to the dungeon so we can hear one of these two songs for the nth goddamn time? At least the other items don't conjure a needless cutscene. Once or twice is fine. There are, in fact, a couple spots where the Song of Time is wisely used to solve a puzzle, but elsewhere - you've got to be kidding me.

Taking a step back though and looking at it all realistically, I can see why most of these nuances exist. It was the first 3D Zelda game which meant two things. One, it was a testing ground for what can be done in this fantastic new dimension of gameplay. Fortunately, Nintendo pretty much nailed it on their first try and the hiccups that did occur were corrected as the series progressed. And two, it's only expected that Nintendo was going to pull out all the stops. Essentially, they had nothing to lose, and given the track record of Super Mario 64, it was obvious that free-roaming 3D landscapes and models were more than enough to win everyone over. Basically, if we were met with another topdown Zelda with any of the aforementioned blunders, the series would have likely stumbled. But being that it was 3D, there was more than enough inherent confidence that anything wrong could easily go overlooked. No harm, no foul really. And given what the video game industry was going through at the time, the game is not only revolutionary, but a respected trendsetter in what the newly emergent 3D world of gaming should strive for. At the time, yes, I can fully understand why it was a top rated game - a 10 out of 10 if you will. But I also think the wee nasties were swept under the rug at the time thanks to the idea of the right place at the right time.

Even now, it still is a top rated game in my eyes. Not as great as everyone claims, but great nonetheless. In the Zelda franchise itself, it's my third favorite, and honestly, it's by a mere fraction that Ocarina deserves the third step of the podium. If Twilight Princess wasn't more or less an Ocarina reskin (haters can hate, but that's really how I see it), it'd probably edge it out. Plus the motion control bullshit sort of hinders it as well. Thanks a fucking lot, Nintendo Wii!!! But nevertheless, Ocarina is still a great Zelda game, and is always the go-to game that I recommend if no one's ever played a 3D Zelda before.

So there it is. Yes, I harangued it a bit, but was it really so bad? And think about this: I did so without once vilifying the Water Temple. Ah ha! But seriously, I wish I could pitch it as a perfect game, but  I guess the bumps just hit me harder than, well most anyone else. C'est la vie.

But let's end on a pleasant note. No matter the title, one thing the Zelda series does and does well is carry a soundtrack that not only exemplifies mood, but locale as well. Add to that the timelessness and Zelda games are worth the music alone. From the moment we're graced with the beautiful strums and warm clippity-clop of Title, it's all over. I know some may complain about the absence of the original title tune, but Ocarina's opening tune is magic. And then you have some incredible locale pieces such as the expressive Hyrule Field (always loved that mysterious low warble thrown in there), the ominous vacuum of Inside the Deku Tree, the exotic mystique of Potion Shop, or the country-sad twang of Lon Lon Ranch. I could go on and on with so many others too. But for me, it's always been about Gerudo Valley. That song is fucking tits!

Nano-Rant:

Dammit, I can't even end on a good note. Ok, despite my appreciation of the story, I've always been bothered by this Sheik character. To hell with spoilers (oh wait...spoilers alert), but it's always bugged me that Zelda can so casually perform feats that Link needs either tools or to work up a rigorous sweat to accomplish. If she's so damn limber, knowledgeable (seriously, she's knows everything about anything whereas Link knows jack squat), and able, then why doesn't she put in her fair share of effort? Oh, she used her stun beam to hold Ganon after Link did all the dirty work. What, did she forget she had that ability when the battle started? Thanks a lot...stupid, clueless bitch! And thanks for planting the seed in my head to claim the Master Sword so that I can lose my youth as I wait in stasis for seven years in limbo! But I digress.

P.S. There's so much more I want to talk about: more of my personal history with the game (namely why I never finished it on my first playthrough), the Boss Battles (namely Ganon's), Poe Hunting and other ludicrous side adventures, and of course everyone's favorite OoT debacle, the Water Temple. But alas, I'm afraid I've overstayed my welcome far more than I should have already with this game.

P.P.S. The ship in the Shadow Temple is pure win!!! Rack that up as ending on a good note.

Rating: 4.5 cute little Bombchu Bowling clerks out of 5

NES - Crystalis

Haiku-Review:

blend element swords;
it's the ultimate virus -
kill the cpu

Additional Comments:

Crystalis is one of those games that I long had a feeling would be unmatched in its gameplay and presentation. I can't exactly pinpoint why I always thought this, but I just had this eerie premonition floating in the back of my mind. Perhaps it was just the name, or perhaps it was in the stones, the wind, or any other device of auspicious divination. I'd blame it on that sweet box art, but honestly, I think this is the first time I've ever laid eyes on it (which is a bit sad, really). But I've always known about the game, and I've always had an itch to play it. Alas, personal ownership and hands-on experience would elude me for far too long. I just recently picked up a copy and was more than eager to pop the puppy in as soon as possible. The only thing holding me up was making sure I had completely run the course with Dark Alliance, and as soon as I could call that game, there was no question Crystalis would be next to face judgment on the chopping block of games beaten.

Right from the start, I knew I was in for something special. Between the combination of the intro story, though it left some lingering question marks over my head, and the opening scene of our hero miraculously smashing through solid rock after being locked in stasis for an undetermined amount of time, I was hooked. And while I always knew the game somehow dipped its big toe in the gambit of RPG-dom, I never quite knew how deep. But ah-ha! A solid action adventure game with RPG elements - I'm so in. Given my report with such titles as StarTropics or the top-down Legend of Zelda's, notably Link to the Past, how could I go wrong? The game immediately stirred up odd abstractions of Illusion of Gaia, or thereabouts, but obviously trapped within the limitations of the NES.

There were a few quirks that I had to grow accustomed to, namely the sword charging, despite its vaguely theoretical similarities to the M-Buster charge ability found in the latter Mega Man games. I quickly adapted to consistently building and holding a charge after every attack, however, unlike the Mega Man games, you had to be standing perfectly still to build a charge. Under casual game conditions, there's no cause for alarm - take a quick three second break and you're good. Boss battles occasionally threw in an unwanted monkey wrench however. Forcing the issue under fire was never exactly easy, but then we're also dealing with a boss battle so it should be expected to push some additional strategy into the mix. Unfortunately, most of the bosses fared on the easy side of the spectrum, especially DYNA, which was a colossal letdown. I was especially frustrated with DYNA's lackluster battle after the intense foray through the Finest Four. And hey, even Draygon put up a fair fight. But sheesh, I came out unscathed on my initial confrontation with the computerized menace. Perhaps Crystalis is just that powerful.

Nevertheless, it wasn't just the game's charge-whilst-loitering that set it apart from say the M-Buster or perhaps Link's ability to fling illusionary swords at full health. Crystalis' weapon system, while not revolutionary by any means, is definitely unique. First of all, there are four swords to be found during the course of play; each representative of a specific element: wind, fire, water, and thunder. Somehow thunder muscled its way into the picture; leaving the commonly regarded element of earth high and dry. Not going to complain though as the Sword of Thunder is one sweet demon cleaver. Add to that the additional acreage with each power tier and you've got gold. Oh! Did I mention the power tiers? So yea, each blade has three tiers of power as well; the third tier producing devastating effects within its element similar to some of Golden Axe's more impressive magic. It'll consume some much coveted magic points, but the trade-off is completely worth it in certain critical situations.

There is a subtle chink in the swords' elemental oeuvre however: palette-swapped enemies. Ok, let me explain. So not every enemy can be defeated by every sword. In fact, most of them are only susceptible to at most two while remaining wholly invincible to the others. I've got no issue with that. Honestly, I applaud it as it forces sword strategy as you explore the various dungeons. Rarely is there a single sword that can annihilate every creature within a given dungeon. While it may sound tedious on the surface, it really isn't. But, as you progress through the game, the presence of palette-swapped enemies - a common method used in games to expand the enemy roster while retaining minimal graphical space which was at an obvious premium in the old cartridge days of gaming - can cause some confusion...or maybe it was just me. Hmm, that sounds a lot more plausible: the breadth of my own ignorant assumptions. I suspected colors were not only representative of power but also of weakness. I can't even count the times that I'd see monsters of a certain palette and think to myself, "Ooh, gotta use the Sword of Fire in this dungeon. What do you mean it doesn't work!?" Even by the end of the game you'd think I'd realize that the various palettes don't mean jack squat. But again, it's nothing to complain about and doesn't exactly hinder the game.

Moving on, something I really wanted to hit up was the magic system. Well, not so much the magic system as it's nothing special - typical Refresh, Teleport, whatever. What jumped out at me though was the spell, Change. The moment I got Change and used it for the first time, I felt like I just got kicked in the gut. What awesomeness is this? Unfortunately, this is the same point where I started overlooking certain quest items such as the Kirisa Plant because I didn't use the spell to its full potential. It was one of those awkward devices that really enhanced the gameplay yet opened up the world far too much in an unexpected direction. Taking on the form of the Draygonian guard, Stom or even Akahana were all obvious, but somehow the girl just simply eluded me. Don't know why and I have to admit I felt downright stupid when I realized what her role was.

Overall, the game did not disappoint in the slightest. I expected a stellar game and it totally delivered. Sure, I berated a few things, but other than the battle against DYNA, it's all just nit-picky ballyhoo. And honestly, the battle of DYNA can slip past undeterred, hot on the heels of an epic gaming masterpiece - so scratch from the record books any and all slanderous downplay of this incredible game. From the gameplay to the graphics to the music - everything just came together so beautifully. And speaking of music, I can't possibly finish without pointing out a few gems such as Wild Fields, On the Mountain, Raging Sea, or Floating Tower.

Nano-Rant:

It took me so long to figure out how to jump with the Rabbit Boots. I roamed throughout Mt. Sabre endlessly before I realized you have to unequip a spell. Dammit!!

Rating: 5 robotic deities out of 5

PS2 - Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance

Haiku-Review:

Traitress of Swords? yes -
for your swordplay depresses;
a footnote speaks truth

Additional Comments:

I only just recently acquired this game, though I owned the sequel for a number of years now. In fact, the sequel was the first Dungeons & Dragons' franchised game I bought, though I must admit a bit reluctantly. I don't know, there was something about the idea of D&D being translated into a video game format that just didn't sit well with me. It gave off this stink of pomp and failing miserably, but I just had to give in and finally try something that bore TSR's logo - oh wait, Wizards of the Coast had already owned the name by this point. Hmm... well, fuck them! Still, it was D&D. I went into the game with a bad attitude, but at least tried to secure a sliver of hope that I didn't just throw $30 or $40 down the toilet (or however much it was at the time). Holy cow!! I was incredibly surprised. I didn't really know what to expect, and having long been a fan of the Gauntlet series, I was pleased to see an honest to goodness hack n' slash before my eyes. But despite my joy and long hours of play, I always felt like I was missing out on something. Whether it was the obvious amiss within the plot, or just the fact that I started with the sequel, I had always wanted to go back and play the original title. It only took me about ten years.

Like so many other titles that I haphazardly stumbled into mid-series, Dark Alliance gave me that sour tinge of regret that I didn't begin with the original. It's hard to take that step backwards, albeit only a baby step in this circumstance, but still. the Dark Alliance games could sort of be compared to the Mega Man series in that the sequel(s), while improving very minor game mechanics, accepted that the original formula worked and decided to adhere to it uncompromisingly. So for that, my guilt of precluding the first with the second wasn't near as bad as it was with say the Alex Kidd series, or how I suspect I'll feel should I finally ever get around to playing Paper Mario or Super Smash Bros.

First and foremost, what I really love about the Dark Alliance games is seeing the Monstrous Manual come to life before my eyes, especially here in the first game where we are met with a [spoiler] beholder [/spoiler] and lair of displacer beasts. Ok, the maneuverability of the displacer beast isn't exactly how I always envisioned it as per the description given in the Manual, but it's still great to see that creature in its new-found interactive goodness. And since we're on the topic of D&D compatibility, despite my having only the loosest knowledge of 3rd edition rules, I can fully appreciate and get a sense of the game's interpretation of said rules. Basically, it feels like while taking apparent liberties with the ruleset, it's still D&D at its core, and I applaud that. Of course games like Baldur's Gate for the PC or Dungeons & Dragons Online may hold an even firmer foot within the traditionalist rules of the game, but I think that the console Baldur's Gate games accomplished an equally favorable rendition. At least we're not dealing with the horrible, twisted abomination that Al-Qadim: The Genie's Curse puked out - 2nd edition rules my ass.

Aside from all the charming and wonderful D&D-ness of it all, the game just looks beautiful. The environments are stunning to behold. Maybe they don't hold a candle to the environments of something like Final Fantasy X, but there's still something enchanting about them. It could just be the idea that Toril's taking shape, morphing from a 2D drawing in a book to an interactive 3D dungeon crawl, even if it's limited to three unique locales. But beyond that, each stage is well designed, fitting, and never distracts. Certain stages could probably have gone back under the knife for further refinement, namely Adderspine Road East and The Rotting Bog. I don't know if it was the open, field-like design or the apparent stranglehold of enemy types, but both of these areas felt like end-of-project acquisitions quickly shoved in to help bolster overall game time. That's not to say they're bad, but in comparison to the rest of the game, I found them tedious, especially after four consecutive playthroughs.

As far as the AI, well it's a hack n' slash so admittedly I don't expect much. It does what it does, which is pretty much exactly what I expect. However there is one major gripe that I just cannot overlook. Everyone's inability to make precise turns with the exception of the umber hulk, the one creature you would suspect can't make a sharp radius turn, or that giant muck dwelling armadillo thing (I'm referring to the giant bulette of course) - I can take all that in stride. Or how about how every hurling enemy can predict your position with impressive accuracy no matter how erratic your movement - hey, I'm cool with that too, though a bit annoyed, but whatever. But come on! Are you fucking kidding me!? Eldrith is a pathetic joke! For the most part, the bosses are a bit of a pushover in this game, if you've got the patience, but Eldrith is comparable to a sewer rat. On my first playthrough, which was on Easy, I reached Eldrith with weary trepidation, mostly because the Halls of Remembrance spooked the hell out of me the first time I traversed them. There's just something about throwing a complete vacuum at a player without notice that can really trip them up. Anyway, I reach Eldrith and POW, killed by her incredibly deadly Inescapable Sword of Fury Over 9000. Talk about zero reaction time - sheesh. Changed my course of attack and...what? I killed Eldrith within 10 seconds. I can't even begin to explain how stunned I was. My jaw hung in awe throughout the end cutscene and staff roll, desperately hoping that there may actually be something else to it all. What's worse is that this scenario rang true on both Normal and Hard as well - 10-20 seconds into the final battle and Eldrith was kneeling on the ground pleading her case and asking forgiveness. What the hell, man? But then I faced off with Eldrith in Extreme mode. Holy shit! Snowblind does not have a grasp on difficulty scaling at all. It took me a good 20 to 30 deaths and upwards of 25 minutes to take her down; most of that time spent dancing around the proverbial maypole. Wander away from that maypole, even by just mere inches, and forget it. There's nothing stopping a 1000+ hp attack.

What's weird though is that Eldrith's battle was really the only time I felt like I could see a visible difference in difficulty. Ok, that's not entirely true. The Sunset Mountains, namely Wind's Walk, proved an ever increasing test every time I upped the difficulty level, but by the time I got to the Marsh of Chelimber and the Onyx Tower, it might as well have all been set on Easy. In fact, going through the Onyx Tower on Extreme was easier than when I went through it on Easy. Huh? On Extreme, I plowed through all five floors as if I was facing off with a bunch of sun-baked wicker men. And I can't even blame it on the store's charitable bounty since I only ever bought Recall potions

Yea, something that has annoyed me time and time again with newer generation RPG's and the like is the unreasonable blessings of charity. Handing out incredibly powerful weapons like Halloween candy can sap all the fun out of a game in an instant. Add stores that have the ability to sell weaponry that can outbid free weaponry in power right from the get go for prices that are easily attainable within a short period of time and neglect to properly scale enemy creatures as one levels and it becomes laughable. This is all a bit extreme to say the least, but it's still clearly visible here. Yes, the enemies are scaled in difficulty, but in my opinion, not enough. At least not enough to force me to buy upgraded weaponry. If my dinky little Keen Short Sword +3 can still easily take stuff out within three hits, what's the point? Like many games, I neglected to shop at the store for upgrades (a sort of self-imposed limiter that I set myself on my last attempt at Morrowind, hoping it would help pique my interest by at least slowing the rate of power accumulation - um, nope) to help instill a sense of difficulty that I felt was lacking. In the end, I'm still frantically racing around, as if I was on a cocaine high, with a hefty Flaming Burst Adamantine Long Sword of Wounding +5 laying waste to a mighty swathe of evildoers. Why is this, or others like it, so easy to obtain? Makes me wonder why any sort of monetary device is used. The above sword and over one million in gold amassed, I could probably conquer the better part of the Western Heartlands. Fuck the Harpers, I'm striking out on my own accord.

Despite any and all grievances - grievances such as a cliché D&D-esque plot (come on, it's D&D - if it's not cliché then there's a problem), here-we-go-round-the-mulberry-bush battle tactics, or the Harpers' Clearing House Sweepstakes Winner effect, it's still an absolute blast to play. And even with the problems, I still think it's fundamentally a good game at its core. Really, the biggest downer is Eldrith, and that one's tough to overlook. But everything else - pfft.... Forget about it. Even after four consecutive playthoughs, it held its own, and I was even tempted to perform a fifth just so I could give Drizzt a go, but alas, there was no real merit in doing so which brings me to...

Nano-Rant:

...games that decide to leave all the unlockables until the very end. Why? Why do games do this? This is a cheap, asinine way to extend a game's shelf life. If a game is inherently fun with obvious replay value, people are going to replay it - quite possibly endlessly. For me, SMB3 is a perfect example. I don't know how many times I've played that game through to the end, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's in the hundreds. Companies should not trick players into a game's possible replay value by offering unlockables at the very end of the game. Now I can understand having to complete the game to unlock Gauntlet mode and then having to complete Gauntlet Mode to unlock whatever that unlocks - Extreme mode if I remember correctly? But why can't I use Drizzt? Why dangle him in front of us like a carrot with Gauntlet mode if we can't acquire him until we've beaten Extreme? It's fucking retarded!! And given how Extreme mode works, I'm not going to jump right into it until I see which character might best suit the arduous journey ahead. By the time all is said and done, I've played the game four times. I've covered all my bases, and frankly the light's burnt out. And now Drizzt is nothing more than a waste of programming. Eh, wasn't that big of a loss anyway since you can't swap out his weaponry. Lame.

Nano-Nano-Rant (Er, Pico-Rant?), but it's not all fist shaking:

Damn you Slithery Swamp! Because of you I had Kip's Wedding Song stuck in my head for a month:

"...yes, I love technology,
but not as much as you, you see.
But I still love technology.
Always and forever."

Eh, the Elf Song Remix is pretty sweet, though.

Rating: 4 Pole-Dancin' Drow Queens out of 5

Le Sigh....

Is it time for another one of those ghastly "here's why I haven't posted" posts? Am I really going to drone on about why my game's beaten has diminished so? Eh...yes, because I can.

Actually, it's been some time since I've completed a game and I've really only one thing to blame: Forza Motorsport 4. I just can't seem to drag myself away from that game (and maybe one day I may even get a chance to talk about why I'm so addicted to it). But I can't put the entirety of the blame on FM4. I have been playing other games as well. Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, of which I should have a post here very shortly, has taken up a lot of my time. But so has a few games that I've had high hopes for and have been wanting to play for some time only to have my hopes dashed in a maddened fury. Oh, if only I could push through some of these games so I can write some indubitably controversial tirades on these highly acclaimed titles, but goddamn do they suck. Besides, do I really want to acquire more evil eye from casual readers. Eh...again, yes.

Additionally, I've spent the last couple of weeks performing a bit of "spring cleaning" with my games and systems. All of my NES material was in dire need of cleaning, and before I jump into the next Legend of Zelda title, I know I need to flush out my N64. So all in all, yes, I've slowed down. And frankly, I don't care. It's not like I have an actual viewership here anyway.

Oh wait...I think we're still waiting on some stuff from our newcomer. What ever happened to that? I know for one, I'm extremely curious to read his thoughts on The Elder Scrolls III for sure - wink, wink, nudge, nudge...

This One Goes to Eleven

Another year come and gone yet only 34 games pounded into submission. That's only two more than last year! And "last year" was only five months long in regards to Beat All Games! Good grief.... I'd hope for more come 2012, but I already tried that last year and you can see the results. Perhaps I should just ring in 2012 as a hopeful year of gaming disasters. Huzzah!!

Well, with another year gone, it's time to reflect on the past 365 days of games beaten and see which of those stayed on my good side. Honestly, despite such a small list, or perhaps a result thereof, I had a tough time coming up with this year's list of solid performances. I found it unfortunate that I couldn't manage to squeeze a few more titles in there that were definitely deserving of top honors. With the amount of fantastic games I played over the past year, what do you expect? Again, this is a list showcasing those titles that really grabbed me and/or I'd go back and play in a heartbeat due to their unbelievable fun factor and replayability. Previously marked ratings really have no bearing here.

11. Sunset Riders
-While it's by no means a great game, it's one of those rare games that's just a hell of a lot of fun to play and has that classic Konami feel to it.

10. StarTropics
-Sure, it could be touted as the lesser known cousin of the original Legend of Zelda, but there's always been something indefinably enjoyable about this game, despite it's various shortcomings in comparison to the former.

9. Final Fantasy
-Merely for the fact that this game made my opinion of RPG's perform a complete 180°, and that's including my sour predisposition towards turn-based battle systems thanks to Final Fantasy IV (or FFII for those who are still stuck in the foolhardy US interpretation of the FF series), this game easily garnishes a win.

8. Disney's Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers
-Yes, it's an incredibly easy and simple game, but it's also a whole lot of fun, and along with DuckTales, Chip n' Dale showcases the topnotch gameplay produced by the marriage of Capcom and Disney during the late '80s/early '90s.

7. ToeJam & Earl
-Anytime a game offers randomized level design is a win in my book, and while I'm not the biggest fan of multiplayer in video gaming, this game nails the concept so perfectly that it always makes me wish I had a compatriot around whenever I fire it up.

6. The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
-To me, this game is very much an anomaly in the Zelda franchise, which can be both a good and bad thing, but it's distinct LttP style and somewhat questionable approach to common Zelda devices quickly made it one of my favorites among the various Zelda titles.

5. Mega Man 2
-It's not my all-time favorite Mega Man title - just barely squeaked out by Mega Man 3 - but it's by far the most approachable title in the series, clearly defining the groundwork for the Mega Man franchise.

4. Blazing Lazers
-For someone who's never been the biggest fan of STG's, I've been finding some real gems on the TurboGrafx that have made me rethink the genre as a whole and just like Magical Chase, this game was just pure fun all the way to the end.

3. Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken
-I don't know if it's the clever usage of incredibly simplistic, yet thoroughly enjoyable level design, or the fact that it's so aesthetically unique compared to typical stateside platformers of the day, but this game managed to grab me unlike any other SNES platformer has.

2. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
-The Zelda franchise as a whole is a terrific gift to games, but there's something wholly special about A Link to the Past - perhaps because, in my opinion, it's the most creatively designed of the series, or perhaps it's because it's sort of the "Last of the V8's," if you will, before the 3D revolution took over (disregarding the handheld titles).

1. VVVVVV
-There's not a whole lot I can say other than this is hands down one of the best games I've ever played, well...ever.

NES - Super Mario Bros. 2

Haiku-Review:

gone are the Koopas,
Goombas, more - herewith justice
by vegetables thrown

Additional Comments:

Crazy Nintendo, we want kids to embrace vegetables, not throw them at warty toads. Ah well...

I've always been torn over this game, and I imagine that's how most people feel - or so I'd like to imagine. I know there's a lot of general disgust over this game, but at the same time I know there are people who enjoy its quirky departure from traditionalist Mario. When you think about it, it's a tad humorous to discredit the game over Mario purism since there was really only one Mario Bros. title before this one (discounting Mario Bros. itself), so the idea of a traditional format sort of falls on deaf ears. It's eerily similar to the constant downplay of Zelda II because of how different that game is from the first. So what? You can't lay down the law of tradition after a single title anyway. That's just absurd. (Or can you? After all, it seems I've found myself locked in a tradition of posting Mario titles on Christmas Day.)

Ok, the loss of what we came to embrace in the first game was tough. Everything that was carried over from SMB1 could probably be counted on one hand - maybe two. Let's see: Mario, Luigi, Peach (er, Princess), Toad, and then you've got your Mushroom, Star and a shoddy facsimile of a Koopa shell, (It doesn't ricochet? Bullshit!!). Anything else? Maybe, but nothing I can readily think of off the top of my head. But you know, I think that's where the game made missteps. It's one thing to break "tradition," but to wipe the slate clean? That's where you run into trouble. Heck, even Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. have more in common with each other than this followup to Nintendo's smash hit of '86, and those two games are worlds apart.

Let's disregard the fact that what we're actually dealing with here is a slipshod reskin of a widely unknown Famicon title called Yume Koujou Doki Doki Panic - although once it was leaked that the States got shafted when it came to SMB2, Doki Doki Panic became a household name among gamers. From a purely "Mario" point of view, we're not just presented with a whole new game, but we're stripped of nearly anything and everything that's even remotely Mario related. While the case can easily be argued that it's not that big of a deal, removing any sense of familiarity can skew an opinion quickly. Sure, it has Mario, but am I really playing Mario? I don't know.

To embellish on a few of the nuances that make this game so incredibly different, let's see what we're dealing with. First, we have a whole new roster of enemies. New enemies are nothing to complain about, in fact most anyone will relish new foes to battle, but to completely sack the original lineup is ridiculous. I know that wasn't with purposeful intent on the programmers' part, but again, I'm disregarding that we're actually dealing with a reskin here. The wrath of the Koopas are nothing more than a distant memory. Instead, Mario must contend with strange, masked creatures, really pissed-off sets of floating masks that are way too overprotective of their keys, some cute little porcupines, a bomb-throwing mouse and an egg-spitting...uh...what is Birdo supposed to be anyway? And presiding over them all is a huge toad that has a nasty derision towards vegetables, yet for some reason has decided to build a machine that manufactures vegetables right inside his lair. Not sure what that's all about.

Next up, we are given a choice of four characters to use for each level. Four? But there's only Mario and Luigi? Yea, somehow Peach and Toad joined in on the action too. And so started the abominable idea of Toad as a playable character - all thanks to a game that's not even a Mario game to begin with. Ugh. So not only do we have four characters to choose from, each one of them has their own unique physics - hint, they all suck. Ok, Peach's float ability is pretty cool, but honestly, every time I've played this game, I've only ever used Mario. But there's more. Not only are we given new jump physics, but we have an overall revised moveset which sort of ties in with my next subject of change: powerups.

Gone is the ability to torch our foes with an onslaught of fireballs. Instead, Mario's decided to fight dirty, throwing anything he can get his hands on, which unfortunately seems to be a vast field of leeks and pumpkins. Sigh. Nothing says danger like a handful of vegetables. SMB2's remaining stock of powerups isn't all that more tantalizing. Save our old friend, the invincibility star, there's a timer and a mushroom that serves little to no purpose - yea, it increases health which is important, but the whole small/big thing is lost in translation. Seriously, is there even an advantage to small Mario's 16x16 hitbox? Is it even 16x16, because it sure as hell doesn't seem to be? I just kept getting creamed by Birdo's egg no matter what - ducks for nothing!!!

I could go on and on listing differences, but I think I made my point. For me, there's too much of a departure from the first game. Going back to Zelda II, while the prominent action-based scenes dumped the top-down view - which threw everyone up in arms - the world and denizens of Hyrule followed suit with those of the previous title. Enemies like Octorok, Leever, Stalfos, and Armos still gave Link the runaround as he tried to navigate the fantastical countryside and maze-like dungeons. Heck, even Keese and Gel make reappearances, though under new names: Ache and Bit respectively. Other comparative features include items such as the Candle, Raft or Whistle, or even Link's hunt for additional Heart Containers. The point is, despite the radical change in format, everything was still very familiar between the two titles and like the title or not, Zelda II was still very much a Zelda game. Could I say the same for SMB2? Honestly, no, but with a but.

The reason I'm so iffy on SMB2's case is that at the time, and I distinctly remember when this game came out, the game was so wildly different that there was a real inherent risk in purchasing it. Who wants a Mario game that is obviously not a Mario game? I never acquired the game as a kid - I didn't want it. I recall playing it once at a friend's house and clearly disliking it. However, as the years have passed, Nintendo desperately tried to mask their mistake by slowly integrating SMB2 content into later titles. Pokey, Bob-omb, and even Shy Guy eventually found their way into other Mario titles. Birdo's in nearly every non-platforming Mario title, most notably the Mario Kart series. And I really think that helped save the sinking ship that was SMB2. Nintendo found a way to make SMB2 feel at home among the Mario-verse, and I'm glad they did. Yea, I didn't like the game as a kid, but over the years it has grown on me. It still isn't one of the better Mario titles in my opinion, but it has its merits and is a lot of fun to sit down with every now and then. What's more, I'd rather play this SMB2 than the Japanese SMB2 any day of the week. I think the best way to put it is as a Mario game, it's mediocre at best, but as a generic platformer, it's fantastic. It's got everything you need for a great platformer, but nothing you want for a good Mario platformer, even after all the sneaky integration over the years.

There is one thing this game did nail as a Mario game though, despite its roots residing elsewhere. The music was catchy and memorable, just like any good Mario music of yore. The NES Mario trifecta pulled this off without fault. The songs in each of these titles are clearly unmistakable, and just like SMB1 and SMB3, I can likely hum some of SMB2's melodies at the drop of a hat, especially Character Select, Overworld, and perhaps even Underworld if you catch me on a good day.

So, in the end, while Yume Koujou Doki Doki Panic selflessly lent itself as a model for what was at the time a terrible Mario game, there was a lot of good that managed to come out of it as well. Who would have thought that some obscure Famicon title would manage to push and develop the Mario franchise, especially when there was no real intent of continuity behind the title - that it was nothing more than a rush job to capitalize on a lot of game-hungry children who were already head-over-heels over the first SMB title and rake in the dough. Funny, isn't it?

Rating: 3.5 rocket ships out of 5

Flash - Don't Shit Your Pants

Haiku-Review:

a practical slant
on one of life's dilemmas -
pray, don't shit your pants

Additional Comments:

While 99.9% of all Flash games out there just don't deserve the time of day - at least in long-winded, commentary prone to dissect every aspect of the game, there are those rare gems and oddities that make you crook an eyebrow and say to yourself, "Hold on. What's this?" Flash games for the most part are juvenile time-killers that may potentially pack in a whole lot of fun in a neat (well, maybe neat's not the best adjective) little package or even a barrel of laughs if you're lucky. For me, Don't Shit Your Pants has fun, laughs, and the ability to move eyebrows. I remember Sven told me about the game over the phone and I was already laughing just listening to his own take-away. Shortly thereafter, I headed on over to Kongregate and checked it out myself.

Ok, the game is absolute stupidity all the way through to its very core, but it's also fabulous in its presentation and execution. From the incredibly poor Microsoft Paint graphics to the fact that your trying to hammer in commands while the timer counts down to impending doom, you can't help but not laugh and enjoy the experience. It's so easy to hate and love at the same time. Everything about it barks "I'm a shitty game," yet it teeters on that fine line that screams "Play me," despite its obvious crudeness, ugly presentation, and total lack of gameplay, even for a text-based adventure game.

There's a certain something about this game, much like Super Press Space To Win Adventure RPG 2009, that makes it stand out above other banal Flash excursions into gaming. I could say it's the concept of "simplify, simplify," but there's more to it than that. I think it's the fact that it plays on the absurdity of what a simple game is or could be, even in a text-based format which is about as basic as you can get. In a time when game designers continually push to make the most complex, convoluted gaming worlds that they can possibly think up, here we are presented with a simple screenshot of a man, a door, and a very real problem. He's crowning and there's only one solution. Actually, there's ten, but they all pretty much result in the same steamy achievement.

Nano-Win:

Any game where you can lose, er...win before you even start is a-ok in my book.

Rating: 4 pairs of soiled pants out of 5

NES - Final Fantasy

Haiku-Review:

forth Light Warriors!
on an epic, Final quest -
er, "Final"...not so

Additional Comments:

Where do I even begin with Final Fantasy. Hmm, having a mixed relationship over the years of turn-based RPG's, or hell, RPG's in general, it's hard to say. As I've stated ad nauseum, RPG's were never my thing as a kid. For me, it was all about side-scrolling, platforming action; crude road and track arcade-style racers and brain-busting puzzlers. I distinctly recall my first encounter with a turn-based RPG: Final Fantasy IV, or as those of us in the States have always known it: Final Fantasy II. A friend of mine and I had swapped systems for a week - he took on my SNES while I got to bask in the glory of the Genesis. I remember he rented FFIV...er, FFII during that time and he wanted to show the game off to me. While I guess I could say it was mildly intriguing, I was grossly turned off by the battle system. Now, outside of early text-based computer adventure games - the likes of Zork - I was damn near oblivious to RPG's at the time and unfortunately Final Fantasy IV...er, II left a sour taste in my mouth. Unfortunate being a key word here because the game didn't only disparage my view of the "great" Final Fantasy franchise, but of RPG's as a whole and I don't remember picking up any kind of RPG again until the late 90s/early 2000s when I began to mull over a number of recommended SNES titles. Otherwise, it was back to text-based MUDs like Medievia or the then-new MMORPG world of Ultima Online. I also recall watching footage of what I believe was Final Fantasy VIII at a friend's house. I was genuinely curious to see what had become of the franchise since my last encounter so many years before. Bleaggh!!! Final Fantasy, let it be known that you and I just don't get along.

And again, like so many other games, that was then and this is now. Truth be known, during a period in the early 2000s when I started collecting a number of NES cartridges, I picked up a copy of Final Fantasy, more so out of respect for those titles that could be tipped as classics of the 8-bit era. And while I had little to no desire to play the game, I popped it into my NES and lo and behold, I was hooked. After sitting on hot coals for so many years, a fury burning over turned-based fighting, I was loving this game, so much so that I couldn't stop playing - even with the amount of mind-numbing grinding that I had to put in. I remember long nights going on for a few weeks hacking away at nothing but Trolls, Giants and Pedes, desperately trying to achieve a comfortable enough level to once and for all tackle the ills of Gurgu Volcano. Ugh, the pains of point-based RPG's. For as long as VG-based RPG's have existed, I can only assume it's a natural side effect that everyone has just come to accept no matter how many complaints the system registers. Even I, for as much as I've cursed the incredibly ridiculous concept, I've accepted that it is what it is. Besides, there's something gratifying about watching your characters' numbers slowly climb as you whack the same enemies to pieces hour after hour, day after day. Sad when you think about it, isn't it? Meh... And that's how it works - we shrug our shoulders and carry on, hoping that today is the day that we'll finally make it through the necessary dungeon, kill the boss, and retrieve the required treasure, or in this case, restore the Orbs. And if it isn't our day, back to the killing fields to slaughter some mindless spawn so that our level can increase by a solitary point. Wait, why exactly is this game fun again?

I certainly don't want to harp on the grinding process since it's such a go-to target, but it's only natural to whine. What's interesting is that while this was my third playthrough, albeit my first to completion, Gurgu Volcano still threw up its same impenetrable defenses. Every time, I'd always hit a wall when it came to character level versus dungeon level at this point in the game. With the exception of my latest playthrough, I'd have to drone on and on around the waters of Crescent Lake before I could dare the fiery inferno. The only reason I didn't suffer quite the same damnable process this time around is that I decided to take a different approach to the game. Instead of grinding all of my characters (by the way, I've always used a Fighter/Red Mage/White Mage/Black Mage setup - the Thief and Ninja, well they're just pointless to me) to a respectable level, I instead opted to kill off all my mages and plunge through as much of the game as I could using only my lone Fighter. My plan: to boost his level, and thus his Attack and Hit Points, at an exponential rate because let's face it, that guy's an unstoppable fortress of power once he starts utilizing 3x/4x attacks. And seriously, there's practically nothing other than a few rare breeds of monsters that can even manage more than a single point of damage against him. After Earth Cave, I brought my mages back on full time and managed to tackle Gurgu Volcano with so much more ease, though it still put up an arduous battle. I suppose in a way I was still grinding, but it didn't feel like grinding this time around which helped increase the overall fun factor this time through.

But what's even more interesting than Gurgu Volcano consistently giving me the bird is that the game got progressively easier thereafter. What? Well sure, after spending time building up my character(s) and filling my spellbooks and backpack, why wouldn't it? Still, I expected a steadily increasing threat as I advanced further into the game. Sure, there were some real heavy hitters like Ankylo, Gas Dragon or Sentry, but they never felt as life threatening as the first time I faced the perils of Gurgu and it's stupid maze of health-depleting lava floors and armies of Red Gargoyles. Damn, do I ever hate those things - quite possibly more than the inane Coctrice/Perilisk setups. Seriously, I have to face a multitude of these fuckers in a single round of combat; all of which have the capability to destroy any one of my heroes at the drop of a hat, be it turning someone to stone or just rubbing someone out of existence? Talk about a quality setup.

But yea, my point remains. Sea Shrine, Mirage Tower and so forth all felt like a cakewalk compared to the first half of the game. Even while trekking through the final dungeon, other than its incredible length and boss gauntlet, with the items and abilities in hand by this point, there's not much to fear. It's more of an annoyance than anything if you have to leave for any reason (low health?), and that's only because of how many floors you have to consistently revisit. And again, I can thank my items and abilities. Granted, heroes should become powerful entities as an RPG pushes on, but the ease that I could handle the worst of the worst made me question the integrity of the end game. With unlimited heals in the form of a Heal Staff and Heal Helmet, you never have to waste potions or spells, and heck, since nearly everything seems to have certain invulnerability to damn near every spell by the end of the game, I never found spell exhaustion to ever prove problematic. My Red Wizard and Black Wizard were melee fighters for the greater part of the game, and that just makes no sense - even my White Wizard when he wasn't busy using the Heal Staff. Couple the above with Exit and an airship that can literally land you on Coneria's Inn's front lawn for the cheapest lodging rates known and the amount of immediate threat is reduced to mere rubble. None of this is meant to be a complaint by any means, and certainly I embrace the notion of raw power flowing through my heroes as they're continually decked out with the strongest of weapons, magic and armor, but it is slightly discouraging that the difficulty of the game began to give way which has yet to seem the case in any of the other Final Fantasy's that I've attempted.

Of course, I could go on whining about this or that, but I think I've already at least hinted at most of my petty issues with the game. But the thing is, outside of grinding, which as I said, is pretty much inevitable in any RPG, especially turn-based RPG's, the game is fantastic. Ok, so the game is blatantly broken with some of its spells or weapons, but so what - this is the game that finally gave me faith in the RPG genre as a whole and revealed the Final Fantasy franchise as what it really is...or perhaps I should say was. Sure, I came about it a bit late in the running, but still, I'm glad I (eventually) bought this game and put forth a solid effort. I've enjoyed this game every time I've popped it in - so much so that this is easily one of my favorite NES games of all time.

And lest we forget the music? Obviously, music has always been a delight in the Final Fantasy franchise, but it's always a joy to hear how some of those songs originated, namely Prelude or Battle. But the tunes that I've always enjoyed would have to be Overworld and Sailing or perhaps even Matoya's Cave for honorable mention. Unfortunately, as great as the music is in this game, it becomes rather grating after hours of gameplay, especially the battle theme (it's funny how refreshing the overworld theme sounds after the victory march). But then, that's the limitations of the hardware we're dealing with - only so much can fit in a cartridge. Continuous gameplay will certainly sour the tunes, but take a break and come back, and classics like Sailing will never grow old.

Nano-Win, er...wait:

Is it just me or is the White Wizard giving the recently deceased the bird after every victory? What a disrespectful asshole!!

Rating: 4.5 Farmers out of 5

PC - Super Mario Bros. X: The Invasion 2

Haiku-Review:

ok, so let's see:
Mario, Luigi, and Peach -
Toad and...who's that? Link!?

Additional Comments:

I had first learned about the SMBX engine some time ago - well before redigit removed all traces from the net - but at the time, I never gave it much thought. After all, it fell into that cesspool that is known simply as "fan games." Bleaghh!! Additionally, coming from a romhacking background, I suffered from this pang of guilt that I should stick with my guns in the so-called haxors-vs-fanboys arena of war. Just more "bleaghh" if you ask me. But then, after some time had passed, I had to ask myself, who cares? A game's a game...s'a game. So I finally decided to download the engine and see what all the hubbub was about. Unfortunately, my decision couldn't have come at a worse time; coinciding with all the mystery and confusion shrouding SMBX's sudden exile from the internet. Dammit!!

But for me, the rash web of lies and intrigue strewn across a vast network of forums, blogs and other bastions of strongly opinionated remarks via posts of unconfirmed rumors, twisted and wrongly regurgitated statements supposedly sourced straight from the developer himself, and more often than not, outright flaming hatred - well, it made me all the more curious in what exactly this engine/game contained. Lucky for me, I managed to sleuth out a copy and gave the game a spin. Of course, the designer in me wanted to check out the editor first. Eh, it's...interesting...but nothing to raise an eyebrow over. Besides, I'm here to talk about the game itself and not the engine's editor, so I'll leave all of that squabble to someone else's unsolicited scrutineering.

Ok, here's the thing. This game surprised me; pleasantly at that! Yes, it has it's problems, namely the physics. They're just awful - rough grit sandpaper awful. They're supposed to resemble SMB3 physics, or so I've read and so it seems, but they're really rough around the edges which I cannot emphasize enough. I never felt confident with a lot, or really, any of my jumps, even by game's end. I was still cringing as Mario leapt into the wild blue yonder, wondering if I had built enough momentum and/or whether or not I'd be able to nail the landing. If only Mario wasn't so damn fat and purposed to be a svelte gymnastics enthusiast I might have some hope. In Super Mario Bros. 3, while the physics could be berated as jerky, I never felt uncomfortable with them - in fact, I rather liked them. I knew what my limits were and I knew what I was capable of performing, even under pressure. Here, I constantly misjudged jumps by mere inches, and no matter how much play time I put in, I just couldn't get a grasp on it. This was also an ancillary factor in why I kept with one character the entire game - Mario.

Speaking of character swaps, despite my lack or will to swap characters, I have to say that I was fairly impressed with the system. I at least tried out every character in a test run to witness the subtle and not-so-subtle differences between each of them. Of course, I've never been a big fan of playing as any other character outside of Mario, especially given that their most popularized physics are based around SMB2 - which I should mention, I rarely if ever swapped characters in that game too. Here, as expected, the extra characters retain most of their SMB2 instruction, although I think Toad plays a tad different. Honestly, I think I only put about five seconds of playtesting into Toad as I will never understand why he's ever been offered up as a playable character in any Mario game outside of the Mario Kart series or any of the Mario Party/sports-themed games. And even in those games I don't like him. And then you have Link. Huh?

Now this is an intriguing concept. Link, à la Zelda II, with the ability to turn into a fairy for a brief time and retain his various sword thrusts. I think it's a radical move to include someone from beyond the Mario universe, however purpose-built levels for Mario-style platforming just don't translate too well with Link's abilities. There's a few sub-levels here and there that seem to have been designed with Link in mind - namely any of the Zelda II level clones, but with such a small amount of tailor made levels, Link is nothing more than a tacked-on gimmick. I got the same feeling with the Metroid-based levels, but unfortunately Samus Aran wasn't a playable character. Unlike most good Mario romhacks that use alternate graphics ripped from a variety of sources such as the Metroid series, the Mega Man series, the Castlevania series etc., those games still build levels keeping in mind that Mario is the protagonist; not Samus, Mega Man or Simon Belmont. But here, it seems these out-of-the-box levels were designed with the original series' hero in mind. It's not necessarily a bad thing if the idea is to stay true to the original game's design; presenting it as a sort of culmination of the various video game worlds colliding together and not purposefully designed around our beloved plumber as if to say all worlds exist solely for one man. But it's a Mario game with Mario physics and should be designed as such...in my opinion. Fortunately though, these levels are few and far between and come as a rather accepted change of pace, so the fact that they aren't exactly built with Mario in mind is of no consequence. The only one I'd likely complain about is the palace section in The Lost Woods.

As far as the levels themselves, I thought there were some well developed ideas in there. However, there were a lot of lulls thrown in there too, especially near the end of the game. I felt like the game hit its peak with The Rawest Forest and then stretched into an uninspired plateau of design from Wet Water Zone on. The end game was a bitter disappointment compared to the first half, especially The King of Koopas. Hate to give away spoilers, but the final level was a total letdown. Sure there were a few interesting levels mixed in there to keep the panache of the preceding worlds, most notably Hardmode Tanks - what a bitch of a level by the way - but all in all, the final two worlds left me with a sour taste in my mouth as I powered my way through just hoping the game would come to a close. Unfortunately, the point at which it did, it's hard to decide if it was appropriate or not - let the game end before it dies a miserable death or try to drag it on for a bit longer praying some inspiration will hit. Meh, in this situation, it probably chose the better route. Maybe it dragged on for too long already.

Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun playing the game - far more than I expected really. Despite it's deplorable control and increasing sensation of mediocrity near the end of the game, I found enough imagination and interest throughout the game to keep me going. There was this certain feeling of "what next?" that I got that I never really experienced with any of the SMW-based romhacks. While I've seen some exemplary things come out of the romhacking world, a lot of it has also been almost...expected? Here, this vague sense of the expected is the unexpected continually pushed the game along. While there wasn't really anything I had never seen before, it still captured this ideal that I truly hadn't seen that before, and the only reason I think I can explain this is because at heart, the SMBX engine is nothing more than a fan made engine, which in my eye is low man on the totem pole in the world of gaming. If anything, this game gave me a new found appreciation for fan games - well, to at least curb my acidic disposition towards them and give them a fair chance before I criticize them with biased remarks.

Rating: 3.5 Billy Guns out of 5

Hello

Hello!
My name is Markus Cone. Recently I’ve been invited to take part in the task of beating all games!! Since the other two members on this site focus primarily on consul games, my primary focus will be computer RPG’s from the 80’s, 90’s, and early 2000’s. This does not mean that I do or will avoid reviewing consul games though. Most of my childhood was spent playing and beating numerous games on the Nintendo and Super-Nintendo gaming systems.
Perhaps I should explain a little about myself. When I’m not gaming I’m playing music. Also I when not gaming I am involved in a role-playing group that plays good ole fashioned Dungeons and Dragons!
Upcoming reviews – Icewind Dale, Morrowind, and Super Castlevania 4,

PS1 - Destruction Derby

Haiku-Review:

crude smash 'em up fun
packed in a next-gen racer -
"you've blown your engine!"

Additional Comments:

I remember when I first got my PS1, two of the first games that came into my possession were Formula 1 (which was, and still is a fantastic racing sim in my opinion - besides, it was based on the '95 season, which I'll admit didn't have the pizzazz of preceding seasons with the likes of Senna and Prost; it stirred up some fantastic battles between Benetton and Williams - oh, to see Williams in its prime again, but alas, that's all for another day) and Destruction Derby 2. Having always enjoyed racing games, I was ecstatic when I found a game based around the concept of, well...demolition derbies - reminded me of when I used to go watch Figure-8 races as a kid. Not only could I race around some interestingly designed tracks, but I could also violently ram my opponents and watch the parts fly as they spin around mercilessly. Fantastic! Of course, nowadays with franchises like Forza and Gran Turismo, car modeling couldn't look better, the racing couldn't get any better (well, it could, but I digress), and with Forza introducing crash damage; these old-timey racers are just so horribly outdated now. The graphics and 3D modeling are puke, the tracks leave much to be desired and the opponent AI is damn near absent - although, at least it's not as bad as Mario Kart AI - sheesh, talk about some awful stuff. But just like any other game of yore, those games that were great are going to continue to shine for one reason or another, no matter how much they look like a pile of crap compared to today's standards.

But then there's Destruction Derby. Based on my initial reaction to Destruction Derby 2 back in the day, I'm pretty confident that this game would have had the same effect - after all, we're talking about an overall upgrade from the measly offerings of arcade-style racers or driving sims we had available to us; stuff like Out Run, F-Zero, Virtua Racing, or heck, Super Mario Kart. Well, truth be told, none of those games are measly - they're all fantastic! Come on, Virtua Racing? I remember dropping a wealth of quarters anytime I saw one of those twin machines at an arcade. As far as driving/racing games went, that game was the bomb! Nevertheless, the next-gen consoles forever changed the world of racing games. Sure, Virtua Racing was using 3D models, but compared to some of the next-gen stuff, it was obvious that 3D was still in its infancy. To me, playing Destruction Derby today, while the game isn't the greatest (which I'll get into why in a bit), there's this real sense of control (and/or lack of), speed and realism, despite that realism being nothing more than shards of quadrilateral polygons flying across the screen compared to today's games. Of course, I haven't played Virtua Racing since the mid 90s, so my argument could be completely bogus. But I'm not here to talk about the king of arcade racing, so moving on....

I have to be honest, it's hard to admit that the game is inherently great, because compared to its sequel, it's a piece of shit. However, erasing all prior knowledge and experience of its sequel, I have to default to the game's graces. It's a game based around real pedal-to-the-metal racing, crash-based spin-those-suckers-out racing and classic arena style derbies, and it delivers on all fronts. The racing is great (although I'd have to call shenanigans on Rookie mode), and the crash 'em, smash 'em action is a blast, well almost - the arena battles can become a bore and the idea of including six rounds of the same arena in championship mode is a snooze fest. But again, this can almost be attributed to knowing how the sequel handled it. So then, are the arena championships actually a dud? Eh, I'm still gonna say yes.

Looking at the different modes, Stock Car has always been my favorite, despite the game focusing on and awarding those who perform the biggest wrecks. While Wreckin' mode is a lot of fun, I've always liked trying to cross the finish line in first while total chaos ensues around the track. In Wreckin' mode, laps and/or position just doesn't really matter and you can tank the entire race, ramming others incessantly for points. Yea, that's the point of Wreckin' mode, but it really defeats the "racing" aspect of the game that I'd like to think should still remain a part of it. But what I enjoy about Stock Car mode is that the "crash" aspect isn't negated. Everyone's still out to spin you into oblivion and you can drop from first to last at the drop of a hat if all goes wrong, but that's part of the fun. And unlike games like Mario Kart where the same scenario can have you throwing remotes and swearing at the TV, this game never instills that brand of frustration thanks to the division brackets.

The idea of divisions is another aspect I've always like about this series. Although you're racing nineteen other drivers on course, in reality, you're only racing three other drivers for championship contention at any one time. But to win the overall championship, you have to win each division and work your way up the league ladder. And to help ease the idea of having to race five separate divisions one after another just to win the overall, each division pits you against a unique set of tracks. While the sequel made better use of this idea (no surprise), the original game did manage to switch up the tracks for each season enough to alleviate any potential boredom. Each location remains constant, but the track layouts consistently change with each new season with the exception of Crossover (ok, there is a slight change but it's ever so slight). But come on, who's going to complain about a track that gives you twenty chances per race to t-bone your opponents dead on? This is what Wreckin' racing is all about! Although, damn, does that track suck ass in Stock Car mode.

The tracks themselves aren't the greatest, but they get the job done. There's really only two types of layouts: ovals (or tri-ovals) and narrow street courses. While they're nothing to lick your lips over, they work for the style of racing the game offers: close-quarters, paint-grinding, fender-bending action. Some of the tracks however, especially Ocean Drive or the crossover version of Cactus Creek, are a nightmare to throw your car around when you're behind the wheel of the Pro machine. Some of those right-angled corners are just stupidly tight and you have a higher chance of blowing your engine from ramming the barrier than some of the other louts out there - looking at you Learner Driver.

In addition to the aforementioned Rookie and Pro modes, there's also an Amateur mode. I suppose these can be labeled as difficulty modes, however I've never really viewed them that way. For one, Pro has always been my favorite mode in DD2, and I think it's safe to say that it's also the case here. Pro really frees up the car, to the point where you literally have no control when zipping around corners and performing tight radius turns, while much easier to pull off, can turn into an unwanted spin real fast But despite this total lack of control, in a way, you actually have more control over cornering - it's a bit hard to explain. Sure, speed is more apparent in the latter modes, but outside of Rookie, speed means very little. Unfortunately, the lack of speed in Rookie makes Rookie the hardest mode to handle, especially when doing Stock Car racing. I think the other reason Rookie comes off as the "hard" mode to me is that it seems that the AI doesn't really change between difficulty modes. The only thing truly affected is the physics of the car. Oh, and because of Pro's lucid control, the arena matches do become a bit livelier.

I'm not completely sure what was the first game that introduced me to a rather "alternative" take on video game music, but I know DD2 was one of the first. Despite it's completely non-vgm style soundtrack, I liked it. I was glad to hear that the original game also had a similar approach to its soundtrack. Compared to your average video game, this stuff is just...strange, but damn is this music great. Typically, I hate game soundtracks that have a more rock/techno edge or similarly styled radio-friendly aesthetic - thinks Sonic Heroes and other Crush 40 bullshit - or even use commercial music, although Summer Song somehow seemed fitting in Formula 1. Anyways, a couple of tracks worth noting are Aftershow and Hardhitter.

Overall, the game's good, but great? Eh, based on my original impressions of DD2, it could have been, but we'll never know for sure. Unfortunately, as I've said, it's not the one I started out with, and compared to the sequel it falls horribly short so my perception of it is highly skewed. It's a mixed bag for me. I know the material presented is worthy, but knowing the potential of what was to come - it's like trying to explain why Super Mario Bros. is such a great game when you know all and well that compared to its successors, it just sucks balls.

Nano-Rant:

The Skum is an asshole!

Rating: 2.5 Smoothies out of 5

Tears of Joy

Today, or more appropriately, yesterday, Beat All Games has turned the final page of its annual calendar. That's right, one year had passed since I started this mess - though technically, that page was turned late last month. Personally, I'm amazed I've stuck with this, even if I have slowed down considerably in the last few months and we haven't heard wind of Sven. Sadly, the amount of games beaten is few, but so what? I've had fun, and like I said in the beginning, I'm doing this all purely for my own amusement, so who cares? And if someone pops their head in and reads a few of these things; has a chuckle or the urge to give me the bird, all the better!

While Sven hasn't been seen around these parts, I still chat with him about games pretty regularly and we often have a laugh about this site, mostly in regards to how the site grew from an idea of shooting off a couple comical lines about either our fondness or disgust of a game we've recently beaten into full-length critical essays tearing the games apart from both a player's perspective and a technical perspective if and when possible. Not sure how that happened myself, but it's interesting nonetheless that such an evolution even took place - although I'm fairly certain I can attribute that to the fact that both of us are writers at heart. Heck, even now I'm probably writing far more than I should be just to say "Happy Anniversary, Beat All Games!"

And so, with the passing of a year, I look at the almighty lists. Drat! I've managed to rack up only 61 games beaten, with 84 standing as the total between Sven and myself. I'd say it's a tad on the short side, but then, this isn't a competition. It's something done completely at our leisure, for our leisure, so again, who cares? I still have a large number of games in process, though I don't really want to divulge anything. And I might have a new partner in crime hopping on board who has recently had the desire to run through a lot of computer games, both new and old. It seems he's got some stuff on his mind he'd like to say about some of those games, so why not? Besides, it helps me out by not having to play them myself, since I'm not the biggest fan of computer games.

Anyways, enough chit chat. I thought I'd post my top 5 favorite and least favorite games that I played over the past year. Be aware that I'm posting these games pretty much at the tip of a hat, so I'm likely overlooking some fantastic games and/or lurid atrocities. And if that's the case, well, then maybe they didn't deserve to be in the list to begin with, because obviously I couldn't remember them under pressure of a snap decision. So, without further ado I present my five's, in descending order; each number showcasing a favorite and not-so-favorite:

---

5. Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken
-I'm a bit guilty that I might have picked Do-Re-Mi Fantasy because it's one of those hidden Japanese gems that I would have never known about were it not for the world of emulation. But then, the game is just fantastic. It's one of those games that shines because of its simple nature. They didn't fluff it with needless crap. Everything in the game serves its purpose and serves it well.

5. Drakkhen
-While I don't think this game deserves to be so down-voted - it had so many great ideas with serious potential - there were just way too many flaws in this game. Seriously, this game was a total and complete mess from start to finish, and that's just sad.

---

4. The Bard's Tale
-I still think this is a very underrated game. Ok, maybe it's not the greatest hack 'n slash out there, but for me there's something about this game where all the pieces just fall into place. Heck, I really had to dig to even find anything to complain about.

4. Mario Pinball Land
-Like I've said numerous times already, I have a strange affinity for console-based pinball games, but this game was just far too luck-based and unfair in stage design for my tastes. While it's a fun game for about five minutes, it quickly delves into tedium for anything more.

---

3. New Super Mario Bros. Wii
-I feel like an idiot fanboy for plugging this game, but I'm sorry, it's awesome. Sure, this game is nothing more than a gimmick hog, but you know, sometimes gimmick hogs are simply a lot of fun. I certainly don't want to come across as someone who's easily bought in by such an approach to game design. That'd be as shallow as someone who's bought in purely by the latest and greatest graphics. But sometimes that's just the way it is.

3. Sonic the Hedgehog 2
-You don't know how much it pains me to have to include a Sonic game in my worst 5, but the level design in this game was so disgusting. This is one of those game that makes me wonder how on earth it made it past the cutting room floor. This game was equivalent to playing any number of YouTube grade user-made levels - cheap design, sketchy spritework and slapped together architecture. Just shoot me now....

---

2. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
-Well, it's not my favorite Zelda, but it's definitely up there. But not only that, it's up there as one of the best games ever made. Unlike most Zelda games, and what I feel really sets this one apart, is the replayability factor. For such an ability to even exist in a puzzle game speaks volumes in my book, so yea.

2. Jaws
-Despite playing this quite a bit as a kid, I guess I was just too ignorant to realize how bad it was. But the thing is, this could have been a good game. I think there's actually some potential hidden away in this game if the designers actually had an interest in designing something that was worthwhile and fun to play. Instead, we got this piece of crap. Oh well.

---

1. VVVVVV
-Who would have thought a no name indie game with Commodore-style graphics and incredibly simple game design would have been so goddamn fun to play? Like I said in my post, this was one of those games where I just had a blast from beginning to end. The last time that happened with a virgin game experience...honestly, I don't know. Even as much as I love NSMBW, I had lapses where I wanted to put the game down either out of boredom or frustration. With this game, that just never happened.

1. Where's Waldo?
-I don't even want to talk about this game. It's nothing but a grotesque piece of shit that should have never been made.

GB - The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

Haiku-Review:

hold on a second -
Yoshi, dog food...who's Christine?
what am I playing?

Additional Comments:

Obviously, I've been on a Zelda kick. As soon as I finished A Link to the Past, I immediately picked up Link's Awakening, which is doubly rewarding because of how similar the two games are in play style, and well, I love LTTP so why wouldn't I love this particular title? Now, I first picked this game up about a year or so ago, and the game really confused me. Never mind all the Mario references, it took me about an hour or so before I figured out how to get the sword. Huh? Add to that the misery I faced trying to deal with the second dungeon and I eventually put it down, sort of forgetting all about it. Well, as I said, after my LTTP run I couldn't help but not pick this game up again, and boy am I ever glad I did. This game totally delivers and really impressed when you think about it - we're talking about a GameBoy game here. This is one hell of a game for that little grey brick!

Playing through it the second time, I still faced slight adversity trying to get the sword - I don't know why I keep forgetting that you can push items with the shield. And sure enough Bottle Grotto immediately gave me the bird again. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was I had to do to continue past wherever it was that I kept getting stuck. But there were two things that absolutely stumped the hell out of me: obtaining the dog food and the bird. And you know what's sickening about the whole affair is how incredibly obvious both solutions were. I spent hours, even days interacting with every single thing I could find in every single way I could imagine. Seriously, I dug holes across every square inch of the land looking for solutions - especially for that damned canned item that Sale wanted. I slashed at everything I could. I picked up rocks galore and ran into just about every obstacle I could find. Why can't I just grab the bananas straight off the crate, or better yet, knock some out of the tree? Just what is the purpose of that monkey next to Sale's house? For the longest time, I though he might be part of the key. Arrghhh!!!!

Ok, ok, so Link has access to a wizened old coot, Ulrira, via telephone who likes to drop hints. While the hints seem incredibly blatant regarding your next move, they couldn't be further from the truth. It's amazing, given how obvious they are in context, they are actually of little help. At first I questioned the developers decision to put in what can essentially be regarded as a hint and/or cheat guide, but in the end, he's nothing more than a nuisance stating what we already know. Eh, I guess he's helpful in some circumstances. After all, if it wasn't for him, I would have never tried to hunt down a can of dog food so I can obtain a bunch of bananas. Wait, this is a Zelda game, right? Why am I performing such arbitrary tasks? It's like I'm given a grocery list: dog food - check, bananas - check, a new broom - ugh. What happened to good old action adventure?

This game definitely made me scratch my head at times. So yes, for some reason, there's a long succession of trades that must be made in this game. What better may to enliven an already proven game design than with an endless chore of fetch quests? Seriously, why does this exist? I probably wouldn't mind the whole ordeal if it wasn't so pivotal to the primary story line - looking at you mermaid scale and bananas. As a side quest for perhaps a leveled item or even something like the boomerang, whatever, but with the ultimate goal being the directions through the Wind Fish's egg, I've got to question it. Now don't take all this the wrong way, it's not bad. It's just, rather tedious and seems a bit out of character for a Zelda game. Yes, I know fetch quests exist in Zelda games, but to this extent? This is stretching it a bit if you ask me.

Enough bickering about the trading game, although I will say it really helped me to test the extreme limitations of the overworld. Much like Link to the Past, the overworld is cleverly built - seemingly designed with both obstacle and required item to overcome said obstacle constantly on the designer's mind. And while the overworld proved frustrating at times, I found myself really enjoying the overall layout. If I had to nitpick anything, it would be some of the harder obstacles that you couldn't overcome until very late in the game that led to treasure rooms that only contained a multiplied rupee. For being as late in the game as it was, it came across as a disappointing treasure. Other than having to purchase some bomb replenishment every now and then, once the shovel and/or bow is bought, the store is, well...useless. And if you can manage to steal the bow, then the store is even more useless.

Overall, Link's Awakening was fantastic. It really surprised me. Honestly, a GameBoy Zelda game - I didn't have the highest of hopes the first time I had picked up the game. This time through, I was aware of its LTTP similarities, so I expected to at least get some satisfaction out of it, but I still didn't imagine it was going to be this enjoyable. Quirkiness aside - shout outs to the Mario-verse, the fetch quest trading game, other oddities - the game is pure Zelda through and through, well at least in the form of mechanics, and really made its mark in regards to what the GameBoy was capable of producing. Another quirk worth mentioning: the music. First of all, this game has some brilliant music, especially Mysterious Forest, but there's something about it that sounds so out of place for a Zelda game. It's reminiscent of the Earth Area (Day) theme from Drakkhen - you can't help but groove while listening to it, but you also can't escape that giant question mark floating just over your head. Other great tunes include Face Shrine, Southern Shrine, or even just the basic House tune. Yet even as fitting as these songs are to the adventure, they too are just an odd curio in the full scope of the Zelda universe.

But there's one final peculiarity that I must investigate. I was chatting with a friend of mine about the game, explaining its similarities to Link to the Past. Well, similar, yet wholly different. There's a noticeable absence of some very important elements: Ganon, the Triforce and heck...Zelda! So, how is it a Zelda game, I was asked. I think what I really liked about this game is that it didn't fall into the same old trap of most Zelda games. It took familiar ideas and mechanics and wrapped it around a whole new story enveloped within a [spoilers]dreamscape[/spoilers] which I think is brilliant. There was something about this game that reminded me a lot of Wind Waker in that it was a completely fresh approach to a Zelda game. Sure, the basic mechanics were akin to LTTP, but the game on a macro scale felt wholly different. I think if it held true to form and more or less was nothing but a LTTP clone, both in mechanics and story, the game would be nothing more than an advancement of play for those who truly enjoy LTTP as opposed to a game unto its own. Although, yea, it is a bit weird that the fundamentals of a Zelda game are lost somewhere on the cutting floor.

Nano-Rant:

Now then, let me talk about items. And to properly talk about items, I must talk about the Nightmare. While I faced a dubious amount of untimely deaths against the final boss, I place most of the blame on item guesswork as opposed to the creature's immediate threat. The boss itself, other than Dethl's form, was a breeze - well, once you figured out what items each form required. Fortunately, some were easy, such as Agahnim's form, other's not so much, such as Ganon's form. I pretty much fell into a pattern with this boss: try item, failure, try item, failure, try item, failure, death. Rinse and repeat, except after a few deaths I'd eventually find the right item; after which I could move on to the next form and start the whole cycle all over again.

But of all the forms, there's really only two that tripped me up: Ganon's and Dethl's. Why I didn't see the Pegasus Boots as a form of attack is beyond me. But Dethl - what a total dick! I spent an exuberant amount of time throwing everything I had at this bastard, and what pisses me off the most is that both the boomerang and arrows were the first two items I tried, since they weren't used up until this point throughout Nightmare's battle. But they were both reflected because the weapon to eye contact was a frame too early or late - the eye was considered half closed. As a result, I figured that neither weapon was meant for the job and moved on. What the hell, nothing worked! Many deaths were had and much swearing ensued. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned how much bullshit his revolving arms manage to create. They are a total nightmare to avoid.

Anyways, after an hour of item testing, I finally inflicted pain with a lone arrow. Huzzah!  Twenty arrows later and the game came to an end. What really frustrates me though is that I could have taken him down with one solitary flick of the boomerang, but I didn't think it worked because the goddamn eye was considered to be half closed. Goddammit!!

Which speaking of, why is the boomerang so damn powerful!? Holy crap! Isn't the point of the boomerang to stun?

Rating: 4.5 cans of dog food out of 5

NES - Disney's Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers

Haiku-Review:

rodent detectives
face cigar puffing Fat Cat -
watch out for ashes!

Additional Comments:

How is it that in the late 80s/early 90s, Capcom and Disney formed the perfect marriage? While I still haven't played them all, the Capcom/Disney games that I have played have always been pure gold. And what amazes me even more is that the levels found in these games are typically very simple in construction, but are just a blast to play. I don't know what Capcom had in their drinking water at the time, but with Disney by their side, they just consistently knocked 'em out of the park.

But I think what I really love about the Capcom/Disney collaboration was that the games were consistent with their accompanying theme - be it Chip 'n Dale, DuckTales, Darkwing Duck, whatever, the levels within the games made sense given the world, background, and general story line behind each show. They weren't train wrecks like LJN's video game adaptations of blockbuster movies which often left you wondering what movie they were watching when they sketched out an idea for the game. Come on, at least make them remotely comparable. Ugh. But we can all hate on LJN another time (and we all know we want to).

So what do we get with Disney's Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers? A story that initially revolves around a missing kitten. Already, I can think back to my childhood and reminisce about so many episodes of the cartoon and think, yep, I can see that happening. In fact, I'm certain there were a couple episodes about just that. And talking about game/cartoon comparisons, I've always loved that the scrub brush machine actually made it into this game as a boss - I still remember that episode (man, it's rather sad that I remember it so well too). Anyways, mission in hand, it's up to our two pint-sized heroes, with help from Gadget, Monterrey Jack and Zipper of course, to work their way through a heaping of fascinating levels. I've always loved Zone B where you have to turn off the water faucets. I don't know why, because looking at the gimmick today, it's incredibly simple and completely non-threatening - almost pointless, if you will. But still, there's just something about it that makes me think, how cool is this? Heh, were we ever suckered in by some of the simplest things back in the 8-bit era.

Where this game really upped the fun factor was when you played it two player, being one of those rare games that offered two player simultaneous co-op. And they offered this feature in an almost comical way, sort of playing off of the fact that while Chip and Dale are best of friends at heart, they will still always bicker till the very end. Such is the same here - under normal circumstances Chip and Dale work hand in hand, clearing the path of mechanical baddies or other goofy agents of Fat Cat such as the Tommy gun toting weasels. But then, if the mood strikes and there's even a sense of resentment because the other player stole a star out from under your nose, you can pick your co-hero up over your head and toss him over the ledge...well, if you're that much of an asshole I guess. Otherwise, it is quite the handy trick to quickly assail vertical sections without the worry that someone might fall victim to the bottomless void below.

Add to that, your typical happy, bouncy stage themes like Zone B, Zone D, or even the overworld's Map theme, and you've got yourself a joyous little romp through an oversized wonderland of fun. So if it isn't obvious by now, yea, I've always loved this game - it's one of my all-time favorite Nintendo titles - and probably still will for some time to come. Whether you're looking for something fun to kill a quick thirty minutes, or you just want to revel in some Capcom/Disney nostalgia, this is definitely a go-to game.

Rating: 5 Cola Cults out of 5 (oh wait, that's from the show...still, how great was that episode?)

SNES - ActRaiser

Haiku-Review:

these beautiful towns
exist thanks to me - Earthquake!
my level increased

Additional Comments:

One particular genre I've always enjoyed is geographical sims centered around creating and maintaining a complex infrastructure, be it on a world scale, like the Civilization games, or on a city scale, like the Sim City games. I think it's just part of my long fascination with geography, cartography and overall world-building. More outlets to build worlds and drool over maps? Count me in. And so it goes for some time until one day, a friend of mine tells me about this game that combines world-building simulation and side-scrolling action. Hmm, I was a bit apprehensive about the idea as I tried to visualize the two mechanics meshing together rather clumsily, but it sounded intriguing nonetheless. So he let me borrow the game and I went home and popped it into my SNES. My jaw dropped. This was not just some simulation/action hybrid. This was a proud warrior standing tall above a rabble of meek and aspiring titles, all to fall short of ActRaiser's incredible ability to mystify and entrance the player with gameplay never before experienced.

That was me then. Thing is, unlike some of those early games that tricked me with a splendor of "magnificent" graphics or kitschy gimmicks like Donkey Kong Country, that's still me today. Ok, maybe I don't think ActRaiser is the king of kings in video games like I once did, but it still is an incredibly remarkable game that managed to blend two wholly opposing game styles into something that not only worked, but worked well. I will admit, however, that on the basest of levels, neither element is great in its own right (comparing apples to apples), but as a whole, it's more than functional and the various faults or annoyances can easily be overlooked.

Faults? For me, the game's biggest faults lay in the action sequences. While fun, they're a bit too straightforward. I can't quite put my finger on it, but they come across as simple - not in difficulty, but in presentation. Sure, everything that's dished out is brilliant - beautiful music, incredible graphics, and some nice sprite and object usage, but there's this lingering lifelessness that seems to overlap the platforming elements. It's the same sort of feeling I get when I play a Castlevania game - I fully understand why people like these games, but to me, they feel empty, cold or distant. There's something there, or rather, not there, that's keeping me from fully enjoying the experience. Additionally, the controls range from questionable to deplorable. Again, reminiscent of the lack of fluidity found in the Castlevania games, the controls are sluggish and at the worst of times, feel downright unresponsive. This feels most prominent when quickly alternating between left and right movement with the purpose of attacking opponents on either side. And the unresponsiveness really kicks in when attempting to jump and attack - in fact, as many times as I've played this game, I'm still a little uncertain as to how jump attacks are best meant to be executed. But don't think I'm out to find ways in which I can rake this game over the coals. Honestly, for this style of action platformer, the controls aren't that bad. The problem is every once in a while, you'll come across small pockets where you're forced to contend with the more noticeable issues, or should I say, the issues become more noticeable. For instance, I especially found this to be the case in Northwall's Act 2 in regard to some of its narrower vertical sections.

Still, the action sequences accomplish their required goals. They present a worthy case: they are well representative of their respective worlds, fare well in difficulty, and are finished off with a formidable boss - although there are a couple that leave much to be desired such as the pitiful Antlion. But what of the simulation sequences? Uh, hmm.... To be honest, there's very little to complain about, if anything. Other than getting stumped if you let the population stall out far too early, the simulation mode is well made and fun to boot. It's so cool to watch those tiny people face adversity and build a bustling town, despite those giant floating skulls of gold that would love nothing more than to devastate the entire land with their telekinetic seismic powers. Be it in the burning heat of Kasandora, the balmy jungles of Marahna or even the frigid cold of Northwall, these people will stop at nothing to see their lands settled and their communities prosper. Well, almost nothing. You do have to help transform the land, making it suitable for growth, whether it's washing away the sands of Kasandora with rain or melting away the frozen tundra of Northwall with the sun. And with that, my one and only gripe emerges - that little cherub constantly having to state the obvious and request confirmation. Yes, I want to send a ravaging earthquake through these lands. Yes, I want to wash away the desert sand, just like I wanted to the other twenty-three times - are you freaking kidding me!? Why is there no ability to skip over any of this. Sure, I can increase the speed - which is laughable in itself, because seriously, who's going to willingly set their conversation speed to 1? But yea, a speed increase just isn't going to cut it.

So there it is, a game when taken as a cohesive unit, is just simply incredible, but when you break it down to its core parts, there are some grievances that begin to surface. But again, my criticisms are not meant to be taken too seriously. Sure, the controls piss me off in the action sequences, but on the whole, I can easily forgive them, because the bigger picture is simply fascinating. It's easy to sweep the unwanted debris under the rug and just sort of forget about them. Annoying cherub, what? Exactly. Forget about it. The simulation is a total joy and is perfectly intermixed with some eventful action scenes. And add to that an incredible score; heck, not only is the debris out of sight, it's out of mind, by miles.

And speaking of score, I could list the entire soundtrack. It's that good. But I'll just list a few, namely Birth of the People, Northwall, and Peaceful World. Typically, I'm a bigger fan of Sega's chunkier sound engine, but ActRaiser is one of those games that really made the Super Nintendo's sound engine shine. Video game soundtracks had never sounded so awe inspiring, so full of depth and emotion. Somehow, I almost think that there's been very few that have ever managed it since.

Nano-Rant:

Let this be my apology and admission to fraud. I have failed the very core of my mission statement in regards to ActRaiser - to complete these games in full. I must admit that this I have not done. Yea, I beat Tanzra (a joke of a boss if you ask me, although the rest of Death Heim - especially the first two bosses - we're of a different color). But then.... The end - and nothing but. Wait a minute, something's not right.

That's right, the game never looped, thus never allowing me to access Professional Mode. I stared at that end screen for at least twenty minutes; nothing. I strolled over to GameFaqs, just in case I was mistaken on how to access the secondary arcade-style mode. I found nothing that I didn't already know. What pisses me off the most about this is that this is probably the fourth or fifth time I've beaten this game in my lifetime and I still have yet to experience Professional Mode. I know I'm not missing much outside of an upgraded difficulty curve and lack of simulation mode, and based on my side-scrolling control aversion, I should be happy. But it's the principle of the thing. Not so much for Beat All Games, but for the fact that I should have a fully functional game. Argghhhh!!

Rating: 4.5 loaves of bread out of 5