Generic yet Zany Usage of the Number Three to Indicate a Third Year Celebration

Much like the title, most everything I could possibly say would be the same generic rehashing of everything I've said in the past. "Oh, wow! Three years!" Maybe I'm just cynical and realistic about my tiny little corner of the internet where I can muse on games I both like and dislike. Whatever....

I've spent the last week or so trying to come up with something I can talk about for my three year anniversary post, and essentially, I've come up with squat. I've completed four games since the beginning of the year and an additional four since the last anniversary. What the hell kind of gamer am I? For one thing, a gamer that has become distracted by many other things. Point is, there's no point in talking about past games beaten. As far as current games, despite last years list, pretty much all of those games have fallen off the radar and for the past few weeks I've only been focusing on two games: We ♥ Katamari and Final Fantasy II (that's II, not IV!!), so pointless to discuss any of that.

I thought, maybe for something really different I'll say a little something about each console/handheld I own. But then, I feel there's really nothing more to say than what's already been said by countless others. The only difference would be all the hatred I'd spew forth in regards to the Nintendo 64 - although over the past couple of years, a lot of that has finally, finally subdued.

I also thought about talking about current gen games that I enjoy since, well, I pretty much never talk about those. However, other than Dragon Age II (discounting Wii titles), I don't think I've played any others to the end, or even through to the halfway point. By the way, the only reason Dragon Age II is not on this blog is because I feel to finish it properly I need to do a run through with each character and I've yet to do any of the DLC content.

On second thought, I think I will talk about current gen games and how much I hate the direction gaming has gone, starting with DLC. I cannot express enough how much I despise the concept of DLC. I understand why people like it, the obvious reasons why it benefits a company to make DLC, and in theory, even to me, it sounds like a wonderful prospect. "Ooh, you mean I can play this game I love even more with additional map packs, quests etc.? Wonderful!" But really, it's not wonderful. It's bullshit. I miss the days of a finished game is a finished game - knowing that everything this game has to offer is right in front of me from day one. I understand that I'm in the minority on this subject and that DLC is totally optional, but as someone with a near OCD-like meticulous knack for having to experience everything a game has to offer, it becomes an unbearable annoyance. Forget the already exhaustive characteristics of having to play a game multiple times when applicable and I'm not talking about various difficulty settings. Dragon Age II is a good example of this as is another game I was playing for a while before I grew weary of it: Epic Mickey. Actually, the main reason I stopped playing that game is that I learned there was one particular point in the game that you would need to play through three times just to get whatever the hell it is you collect in that game - yea, it's been so long, I've forgotten - some sort of badges, if I recall correctly. I can understand playing through the game twice because of how the game works, but a third time? Why? Just to collect a fucking badge? Forget it.

It's senseless padding like that to elongate a game's lifespan that annoys the piss out of me, and in a way, DLC is no different except that you're having to pay for the extra padding. Ok, not all DLC is like that. There is some worthwhile DLC out there that plays as an actual expansion, but a vast majority of it is just useless money-grubbing bullshit. I know saying some DLC's acceptable comes off as completely hypocritical given my original stance, so you know what? If I had things my way, there'd be no more DLC. What's done is done - when a game hits the shelves, it's a finished product.

Oh! And to add an addendum to that: when a game hits the shelves, it better as hell be a finished product; not a fucking beta that will be updated by a long assortment of patches. Much like it's ruined everything else it's touched, so has the constant connectivity of a vast interweb network destroyed gaming. Developers appear to have fallen prey to the idea that thanks to live connections between developers and gamers, games can be pushed out into the masses before thorough QA is completed because, after all, the technology to send patch after patch after patch of bugfixes is wholly acceptable. But what's worse is that so many gamers just accept it. Yea, I can only imagine the PC community retorting, "Buck up!" as us console gamers have always been on the back foot all these years anyway, but it's no better a response. It's the same damnable acceptance that's helping pave the way for shitty policies used by gaming companies that PC gamers and developers helped build.

Guess I'm just an old fogey when it comes to gaming. I'll admit it. There's a whole lot more besides these two "conveniences" of modern gaming that either angers or depresses me. Maybe I'll get to some more of them in the next anniversary post as I doubt I'll have anything larger than a small handful of games beaten by then to account for anything worthwhile list-wise. Knowing what's in store for the future of gaming only makes things look all the more grim. I know a lot of people are excited and, hey, that's great. Me, I see the golden age of gaming coming to a close. Honestly, I would love to see another "crash" happen so the industry can be straightened out. Will it happen? Don't know, but there's always hope.


...well, that or I can always "Buck up!"

GEN - TechnoCop

Haiku-Review:

drug deals, hostages...
what pedestrian crimes. wait....
baby being crushed!?

Additional Comments:

No words....

Seriously, there are no words for what I saw flash on screen as I drove into the Golden Apartments on York Street. The call's gone out and I'm responding to a 151 - baby being crushed? Think about that - a baby is being crushed. A baby is being crushed! Good god! Somewhere out there some demented fuckup is crushing babies. But more worrying is that somewhere out there a game developer has run out of ideas regarding usable crimes: hostages, drugs etc., and had a light bulb flicker when it came to baby being crushed. I don't know; maybe this is a common problem in a hard luck, dystopian future.

Honestly, I think I should just call the commentary on TechnoCop. Need anything else be said? Is there really anything worth saying beyond the dark and twisted promotion of baby crushing? Sadly, yes. As if with enthusiastic anticipation, the amount of bellyaching this game has to offer is simply astounding. But here's the catch: typically, I find myself drawn to bad games. There's a certain appeal about them - maybe a sort of ugly duckling syndrome. The obvious downside to this bizarre obsession is having to tackle games that are truly awful. And that's exactly what TechnoCop is - a truly awful mess of a game. Though I have to wonder if this nightmare is yet another result of porting a computer game to a console, or was it always this bad. Hearing the Day's mention the game in passing on one of their episodes of Co-Optitude as a "great" Amiga entry certainly confounded the situation. Huh.

Although it takes some serious imagination, I can envision potential here. Unfortunately, the game falls flat on its face and shamelessly wallows in a fetid pool of failure and frustration. What really makes it stick out as an interesting case though is that the game is split into two wholly different styles of gameplay and Razorsoft miraculously botched them both beyond belief.  TechnoCop is a combination driver, in the vein of Roadblasters, and platformer, to me most closely resembling Flashback. I'm on the fence over which portion of the game works better, if at all.

Technically, the driving sequences probably outshine the platforming areas, but sadly they are boring, irksome, and at times questionable. It's been a long time since I really sat down and played a screen-in racing game - the likes of Rad Racer, OutRun etc. The driving sequences in The Adventures of Bayou Billy may have been the last of that style that I've played in some time, and those are pretty rough and tumble themselves. Point is, I'm a little sketchy on how the physics normally work in those games since it's been a number of years, but I found myself fighting the "turn right to go left / turn left to go right" mechanics in TechnoCop. This very well may be the case in other racing games of the type, so I could be speaking out of my ass, but it's never felt so prevalent as it here. Add in a half dozen semis trying to shove you into the trees and steering is damn near hopeless. Never mind that the car's gun turret is positioned asymmetrically and its defenses are useless against some truck stop punker angrily beating away at the roof with his bare fists. Seriously, why is this so damaging, yet I can rub up against three rigs simultaneously over the course of 26 miles without even a scratch? And why can I only remove that bionic armed mutant by casually crashing into the trees? I guess there's always a nuke, but I'm not going to waste a nuke willy-nilly.

Outshines? Eh...maybe not. Those driving sequences are likely some of the worst driving sequences I've ever experienced in a game. So maybe the platforming is the real hero here. After all, it makes up the greater bulk of the game; not just design-wise, but the amount of action and exploration that takes place. Wait...am I even playing the same game? Where am I? I cannot comprehend the design choices in this game at all. One minute we're barreling down a country road, guns a blazing and then suddenly were working our way through a labyrinth of inner city projects. I parked my car in a fucking field on the side of some highway that appears to run endlessly through miles upon miles of nothing. Where the hell did this run down tenement block come from? It doesn't exist! Oh, but it does, and the transition is such a bizarre, jerky juxtaposition of environments that it belittles the overall concept of the game. It literally feels like I'm playing two completely different, and wholly unrelated games. Couldn't the developers have at least used a city background in the driving sequences? Maybe replace all of the trees with streetlamps? For example, in The Adventures of Bayou Billy, which utilizes three distinct styles of gameplay, one could argue the same dilemma in its I-10 driving stage as presented here in TechnoCop, except that when you finish said stage in that game a representation of New Orleans appears in the background offering proper continuity between the stagnant marshlands of Billy's home and the streets of...ok, I'll be nice and keep my personal feelings out of it, eh...New Orleans. I guess Razorsoft hoped for a suspension of disbelief on the player's part. I prefer to think of it as laziness on their part. I guess detailing the gruesome deaths of the criminal presence was far more important.

Enough of the aesthetics and all-around nominal plot-based pitfalls; what little hope TechnoCop desperately clung to was clearly for naught after fighting my way through floor after floor of men of ill repute. Instantly, Flashback came to mind based on the protagonist's basic moveset, but similar to my ladder issues in Faxanadu, I let the idea sink in too much for my own good. Time and time again I was infuriated over not being able to duck and roll. I think that one ability alone would have helped the overall feel of the platforming areas. Otherwise, it felt so rigid, almost restricting when forced to duck to take aim and then try and advance. I went through the game nearly three times to the end, not including numerous practice runs on the first seven or eight stages, and still never got a proper handle on quickly ducking then standing again to proceed. Such a little thing became a monumental battle throughout.

Also, hitboxes make no sense. I've played numerous games with bad hitboxes, but I've never had a hitbox frustrate me as much as the ones found here. Damage is confusing and unreliable under all circumstances. Times when I swore I successfully dodged a hit - nope, damaged. Other times I miraculously escaped by the skin of my teeth - don't know how, but I'll take it. Talking about unreliable, dynamite is the most unpredictable device in the game. Why is there dynamite replenishing my health? I'm chalking that one up to a grievous error and/or an all out dickish implementation solely to fuck with the player's head. It's the fucking timer in Where's Waldo all over again. And I swear I saw a knife pass through a wall, but my bullets sure can't. This game is an exercise in programming anarchy. Honestly, as terrible as the driving sequences are, this blatant defiance of basic video game principle is what allows it to be marginally better than the platforming in my view.

Yet there's so much more awry in the platforming. For one, the timer seems to be some arbitrary number pulled out of thin air. In some levels it's barely enough time to do...well, anything. I thought the timer was unforgivable in some of the Spy vs. Spy levels, but here it's just stupid. At the same time, however, there's some levels that have such an absurd abundance of time that I could have run two or three levels on its timer alone. Whatever the criteria for the timer is, it's not working. Sure, I managed it, but those questionable levels typically finished with the timer at 00:01, and I had to fight like hell just to ensure that. You absolutely have to know the building's layout if you hope to have any sort of a chance in those tightly timed levels.

Another annoyance relates to jumping. To me, if a platformer balks jumping, it's all over. TechnoCop's jumping is simply atrocious and to add to the frustration are sequences of pits that don't seem to align to the character's jump distance properly. Well, they do, but it takes some solid effort to jump at the perfect moment thus pushing it into the realms of pixel-perfect jumping. Pixel-perfect jumping is always a drag, but I probably wouldn't mind it at much here if it weren't for some of those super short timers forcing you to press your luck on a set of successive jumps typically ending in utter disappointment, and very likely, death.

I could go on and on, but given all the problems so far, what's the point? TechnoCop is easily one of the worst games I've ever played. In fact, I billed the game as the second worst game I've ever played to a couple friends of mine. I just don't see anything toppling Where's Waldo from that prized step. But what really rubs salt in the wound - if the game wasn't bad enough - is that we're treated to a soundtrack of silence. That's right, other than than the opening titles, which sounds akin to some uninspired rock chops saturated with a nails-on-a-chalkboard melody, and the end screen, which is a lot better than the opening track but still nothing to write home about, there is no music to be found. Instead we get to bask in the droning 16-bit engine depression of the driving sequences and clump clump clump of the heaviest boots in the world during the platforming. If this was done for purposes of mood immersion, it failed. Rather, I suspect, it was done out of laziness. If they at least went the route that Flashback went and added minute bursts of suspense - short 3 to 5 second clips of eeriness - that would have gone a long way to help exemplify mood if that's indeed what they were shooting for. But then, why should I expect any sort of effort given how the rest of the game is presented?

Nano-Win:

Holy crap, a win!?  It's not really a win, but it made me chuckle...probably out of pity. I love that the game has a cheat mode and then acknowledges the use of the cheat mode at the end of the game by snidely calling you out on it.

Sure thing, dicks. Your game sucked anyways.

Still, as torturous as the game was, I had to reach the end legitimately. What a worthless ending.... Should have just called it after the cheat-filled run.

Rating: 0.5 pointlessly awarded hydraulic wheel rams out of 5*

Seriously, do they do anything!?

Flash - Evoland Classic

Haiku-Review:

memories of Link?
traversing early designs
throughout RPG's

Additional Comments:

I feel as if I'm turning my nose against Evoland by only contributing words to its "beta," if you will, LudumDare contest winning entry as opposed to the full game. But unlike physical products, I'm far more apprehensive to spend money on an unknown in the digital realm. However, Evoland has piqued my interest for some time, even with the gamut of mediocre to bad reviews floating around out there. The idea of evolving a game from a simple Game Boy-esque overhead action-adventure game to a 3D RPG sounds incredible and the trailer completely sold the idea. Still, as a paid download, I refused to move ahead and had to confide in some YouTube footage and disheartened rants to either satisfy and/or hopefully deter me from wanting to play the game. I know, I sound like a cheap asshole, but really I'm a stubborn materialist that refuses to pay for product that exists solely in the digital domain. As a result, I could potentially be missing out on some great fun...or maybe not. Fortunate for me, Shiro Games has Evoland Classic available for play on their website so I can at least take an interactive stroll through the game's genesis.

Classic's gameplay brings the player up through to a PC interpretation of a 16-bit RPG - sort of reminds me of topdown elements found in RPG Maker VX. But I believe Classic has more than enough to clearly exemplify the full game's potential. Maybe I didn't get to experience any real RPG goodness or see some rotund non-playable dullards in all their glory, but Evoloand Classic plays exactly as described - a surreal evolution of video games, from restrictive left/right movement all the way up through some senseless grinding. Ok, the grinding's completely involuntary and serves no real purpose beyond a developer's heartless joke, but the experience is at least present I suppose. Hmm...is that a good thing or a bad thing?

If there's anything discouraging I absolutely must declare, it's that a couple of the chests are a tad absurd to locate. I've never been a fan of the whole "illusionary" wall gimmick. I didn't like it in Legend of Zelda's second quest, and I shook my head in haughty derision over it here. I suppose I shouldn't completely write off the gimmick, but when you have to walk into every single wall hoping for a fake, I find it ridiculous. Otherwise, that's all I've got.

Unlike most of my critiques, I surprisingly have little to say about this game. It's short and sweet, sure, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the concept and found the Eno-esque background music delightfully relaxing. And despite my criticisms toward digital purchases, this "teaser" more or less convinced me it may be worth purchasing after all. We'll see though. We'll see....

Rating: 4 pr0n banners out of 5

NES - Faxanadu

Haiku-Review:

questing needs: a sword,
shield, keys... "This is not enough
Golds," to my dismay

Additional Comments:

Faxanadu is an interesting piece of classic NES gaming. Its mix of fantasy and RPG-esque action/adventure platforming seemed to be a true rarity - well, a true rarity in the sense that it was done well. Most games that fell into this niche always put me off for some reason. They were either too bogged down with unnecessary devices (qv Zelda II) or just ridiculously awkward to play (qv Castlevania - yes, I can already imagine the hate for that, but there are some of us out there, namely me, that just don't like the Castlevania games). However, if a Venn diagram existed for all that was right in these two games, Faxandu would clearly represent that ideal slice right in the middle.

Sometime in the late 90s a friend lent me the game and I was instantly awed by the mysterious "World Tree" mythology around which the game was built. This especially held true in the World of Branch where the graphics showcase the idea of adventuring within a giant tree perfectly. Essentially, the story, graphics, and gameplay were quality enough to draw me into a marathon session one afternoon and play it from beginning to end. It's very rare, if ever, for me to do that with any game the very first time I power it up.

I can't say what my opinions on difficulty were, but considering I took it down in a single afternoon, it couldn't have been all that trying. Although I specifically recall one particular screen in the World of Branch that frustrated the hell out of me due to suspect enemy placement. But other than that one instance, the game won me over and stayed on my A list for years to come. Heck, according to my top 25 NES games I listed back in 2010, Faxanadu ranks at number 5!!

But now that I've returned to the game years later, Faxanadu sadly took a bit of a tumble. I was looking forward to returning to this game, and did so with open arms. What came as a result is I found myself teetering on the same jagged edge that I found myself on with Dark Cloud - a beloved game that was suddenly put under a steely-eyed microscope embittered over a whole new world of imperfections. I began to see flaws that I either initially missed or chose to ignore for the sake of a joyous romp through a comparable Yggdrasil. However, unlike Dark Cloud, I'm a bit more apprehensive about what side of the line I'm throwing my weight towards. Fundamentally, Faxandu is still a brilliant game, but it's hampered throughout by stupid little details that could have easily been fixed with some simple tweaking - namely smooth scrolling.

The largest flaw this game faces is poor sprite placement which becomes more and more noticeable as the game wears on. The issue is not so much initial placement if you view each world map specifically as getting from point A to point B like a typical platformer. In this respect, placement is fine. I can think of a couple instances where this is not entirely true, but it's not anything to cry over. However, since Faxanadu has a Metroid style layout where you can backtrack all the way to the entrance of Eolis if your heart desires - not that you would - poor enemy placement suddenly becomes a nagging issue. To boot, the game does rely on backtracking resulting in forced hits on occasion. Even more frustrating is when I ran into the same exact trap that got the best of me on my initial playthrough back in the late 90s - although said trap was further enhanced by flawed ladder mechanics (more on that in a moment).

On my latest playthrough, I began to see similarities between Faxanadu and Mega Man. Obviously, they're worlds apart, but level design, despite having a Metroid style layout, felt eerily reminiscent of some early Mega Man stuff - could be those insufferable ladders. However, I think Faxanadu made a giant misstep by presenting the entire game as a series of single screens as opposed to utilizing some basic scrolling here and there. There's probably good reason why Falcom chose to go that route, namely the whole interconnected overworld design, but still. And by allowing scrolling in specific key areas, poor sprite placement would immediately be thrown out the window.

But what really gave me that Mega Man déjà vu is the overabundance of ladders carved out of the tree's woody interior. Unfortunately, I let the Mega Man similarities seep in far too much causing consistent brain farts on how one properly exits a ladder tile. I cannot even begin to express how much I hate the ladder mechanics in this game. Why can't I jump off them? Why!? Why do i always have to suffer an inevitable hit by some sword swingin' Dwarf Knight as I'm desperately trying to maneuver my way off the top of one of these things? Why the fuck would they design a screen entrance of a ladder coming up from the bottom of the screen with a pit on one side and a ledge with a Gladiator on the other with stupid ass ladder mechanics and the most dreaded of all game mechanics: knockback!? The same goddamn trap infuriated the hell out of me...again!! (Oh wait, I've already mentioned that...) Fortunately, halfway through this playthrough I realized you can use deaths to your advantage allowing backtracking skips. Heh, you've got to love games that do that - improve one's seemingly dire fate by actively walking into the bloodthirsty sword of thy enemy.

As far as knockback is concerned, it's a fairly trite mechanic and terrible at best, although there are games out there that make decent use of it - the Mega Man series comes to mind. I don't remember pulling my hair out over it the first time I played Faxanadu, and it didn't exactly get under my skin like it does in other games this time around either. The other design flaws likely trumped knockback enough to deem it forgivable. Although there were moments where I found myself cursing it, namely around screen boundaries thanks to constant enemy respawns.

Otherwise, it is a good game. It definitely suffers from bad design, but unless you nitpick the game, it's easy to forgive, overlook, and just enjoy the ride. The story unfortunately trickles out and the leveling.... Well, I'm not entirely certain why an experience system exists in this game other than to manipulate your Golds by repetitious suicide. Is it still a top 5 NES game? For me, no. But it can still knock about in my top 25 easily. Sure, the game stumbled in my eyes, but I'm still glad I went back and played it again after all these years, and although it wasn't the same experience I had years ago, it was well worth it. Not to mention, I got to listen to that wonderful soundtrack once again - another golden moment in Nintendo's early years. Beautiful pieces like Opening Theme, King's Castle, The Kingdom, and one my personal favorites, Daybreak run rampant throughout the game. And if anything, that's a perfect high point to end this critique on. Huzzah!

Rating: 3.5 tobacco smokers out of 5*

*Given Nintendo's ironclad grip on censorship and age appropriateness throughout the years, it's just so weird to see NPC's actively smoking...or am I simply misinterpreting that particular line of pixels? Huh...

PS2 - Dark Cloud

Haiku-Review:

my haiku, ruined
by an extensive gauntlet
through excessiveness

Additional Comments:

I've learned something during my six month absence from Beat All Games: the desire to see a game through to the absolute end can often ultimately lead to a far different perception of said game than was originally imagined, and not necessarily in a favorable light. Sadly, one of my favorite franchises from the PS2 era led me to this conclusion. Damn my desire to explore every nook and cranny, locate every object, and experience everything a game has to offer. If it wasn't for my OCD tendencies to 100% everything, this post would likely be singing praises - not to mention, would have been posted some six months ago. Instead, I'm going to bludgeon Level 5's masterpiece to death. (Worthy note: it's the above statement that's caused me to loathe giant, open-world sandbox games, despite loving the concept of them, and the main reason why I've yet to complete any current gen game. Add DLC to the pot and it's a whole world of frustrated incompleteness.)

But before I prepare my writ of defamation, I'll take a step back, nearly eight to ten months back, and attempt to recall what I do like about this game - that is if I can remember any of it, because by the end everything on my Good list was savagely crossed out. It's funny. I know I genuinely enjoyed the game, at least up through the beginnings of the Gallery of Time, but looking back - exactly what did I enjoy?

*thinks* (I can feel the pops and fizzles exploding from my brain over this quandary. Good grief...)

There's always been two big draws in the Dark Cloud franchise for me: randomized dungeons and city, er...village development, or in the case of Yellow Drops, a giant space robot. Two past heroes from Beat all Games: ToeJam & Earl and ActRaiser solidified my arguments for both of these features - although ActRaiser's simulation aspect was a bit weak. Dark Cloud improved the simulation aspect tremendously while executing randomized dungeons with near finesse...well, almost. A third element that's always intrigued me is the leveling of weapons as opposed to characters. I don't know why, but there's something far more alluring about packing elements and statistics into an inanimate object allowing me to have exponentially more firepower or magically enhanced melee madness - although I somehow suspect it has to do more with the imagery and nomenclature associated with said weapon. And finally, I just love the scenery and locales. I even found the dungeons to behold great beauty, even if they're overall pretty bland and repetitive. But for me, the Moon Sea especially left an endearing impression - yes, all fourteen craters worth.

Most importantly, thinking on when I first played the game way back in mid-to-late 2001, I was just enamored with it all: the look, the story, the gameplay, everything. I felt like I was playing something completely new. Even if the game was nothing more than a minimal hack n'slash action/adventure game, it didn't carry the persona of such. It was different. And at the time, the concept of freshness occluded what should have been glaring flaws. I was far too overwhelmed with awe to realize the game's laundry list of shortcomings. Unfortunately, the Ice Queen, La Saia, put an end to my Dark Cloud experience for nearly twelve years. If that bitch wasn't such a nightmare to defeat, I probably would have begun to unearth glimpses of a padded out excursion to the Dark Genie and beyond. Heck, I probably would have never moved on to Dark Cloud 2 at the time. Yikes! To think that my all time favorite PS2 game could potentially be a complete train wreck when and if I ever return to it. But to be perfectly honest, I did start feeling the apathetic game design somewhere in the depths of Moon Flower Palace and, surprise surprise, never finished the game. Kind of wish I did the same with the first one. True, being impeded by La Saia's near instantaneous death sorcery for so many years left me wanting more, but perhaps I should have accepted it as a black omen for what was to come.

Is it really that bad though? No. In fact, like I said, up through most of the Gallery of Time, I thoroughly enjoyed the game. However, the Gallery of Time began to wear out its welcome and the Dark Genie was a bit over the top - especially when you compare relative boss to dungeon difficulty - or heck, even boss to boss difficulty. Yes, it's the final boss, and as such should cause some hair-pulling, controller-throwing reactions, but when you consider how pathetically easy all the other bosses are, it sort of leaves you wondering. That's right, I said all of the other bosses, including that ice bitch, La Saia. Turns out she's one of those brutal bosses that unfortunately, or rather fortunately, has a massive weakness that can be exploited thanks to sprite/level design - sort of reminiscent of Dark Link in Zelda II. And then, while optional, you have the arduous trek through one hundred floors of uninspired architectural madness. But before I yammer on about how much of a game killer the Demon Shaft is, I want to first address some of the more essential gameplay elements.

While I love the concept of weapon leveling, I equally hate the idea that I have to play the game feeling far more empathetic towards material goods as opposed to characters. Dark Cloud places far too much value on weaponry and next to nothing on characters. It's such a bizarre mechanic to have to wrap your head around. In most games, a death typically equates to a great loss of work. Here, a death equates to a meager loss of funds...and that's about it. I suppose if you push deeper and deeper into a dungeon without returning to town, than a death might hold some meaning, but when the ability to return to a safe haven is so easy, why bother? Not only that, but there's so many items that help work against death plus an almost 90% chance that not just one, but two healing springs will be present in any given dungeon. The result: battle shit to the bitter end, I say. And if on the odd chance health is at a premium, there's more than enough chickens, bread, bananas, cheese, stand-in powders, and resurrection powders to see through even the most horrific battle.

Weapons, on the other hand.... Miscalculate a hit, run out of auto-repairs, or just ignore that annoying beep that's telling you, "Hey! You're favorite tool of destruction is about to bite the big one," and you're in a world of hurt, especially if it's your most powerful weapon. I reset the game on multiple occasions just because I misjudged my button presses and broke my weapon. On the other hand, the couple of times I died and didn't have any stand-in powder handy. What's my loss - about 2500 gold and all my characters have been healed. Fuck it, I'll take another death just for good measure. Maybe I'm just missing the point - that material goods far outweigh human life, or even that of a Neko, genie or moon rabbit. (Oh! Was that a spoiler? Too bad...)

In addition to the vast plethora of items to help make death seem like a thing of the past; as a segue into my next grievance, if one character drops, you've got between one to five more to carry on, depending on how far into the game you are. Thing is, outside of life support, the additional character's bring next to nothing to the table. Actually, I take that back. What I should have said is the game doesn't successfully make use of the extra characters. Their main function is to jump gaps or unlock doors. That's it! Add in the fact that only Toan can gather Atla and you quickly realize there's far too much needless character swapping going on. Eventually, at least in my experience, focus is only put on a single weapon on a single character, since weaponry is the most important aspect of the game, and voilà - I find myself tackling the entire game with just Ruby. To be honest, as a self-imposed limitation, I tackled each dungeon with differing characters to try and make them all feel useful, but once I reached the Demon Shaft, Ruby saw most of the action with Osmond a distant second. Ah! That brings up another interesting bit of information: the uselessness of melee weapons, especially in the Demon Shaft. After the Gallery of Time, both Toan and Goro would have been wise to just pack it in and return home to Norune and Matataki respectively. No matter how many Endurance gems you cram into a melee weapon, their natural fragility against everything dictates the superiority of ranged weaponry throughout the entire game. Yes, even Xiao and her slingshot of powerless pebbles proves more worthy than Toan's most formidable blades, and that's just pathetic.

But all in all, even with the above grievances, it's still an enjoyable game. Honestly, despite the flaws and the encroaching lazy design finally poking its head out in the Gallery of Time, I would still have been satisfied with the game upon its end. Sadly, I tackled the Demon Shaft and that's where everything immediately went south. It's not that it's hard - it's not. It's that it's fucking boring, padded unlike anything I've ever seen, and a complete waste of time when you consider that it brings absolutely nothing to the table. Yes, it's optional, and as such there's no real place for argument, but just because something's optional doesn't mean developers should pop something in that makes watching paint dry sound fun. It's the 200 lightning strike jumps all over again. The Demon Shaft is one of the main reasons it took me so long to finish this game - seriously, I beat the Dark Genie months ago. By the time I got to the last twenty floors, I just started chucking Poisonous Apples at everything. It wasn't worth my time anymore, and it sucks when a game crosses that threshold. And the icing on the cake, you may ask? Equating difficulty to infinitesimal amounts of hitpoints. That's not difficulty - that's fucking idiocy!!

Nano-Win:

I hate to end it all on such a sour disposition though. What's that? I've yet to discuss the soundtrack? One thing Level 5 nailed is the music. Right from the very beginning when you first hear the Main Theme kick in, through gems like Open Your Eyes (visiting Treant was always a high point just so I could hear that silky bass bend and I'd often go out of my way purposefully for that very reason), or the calming Daily Life, the soundtrack is just magical. Each and every one of the village themes are especially noteworthy, but the standouts have got to be Queens and Brownboo. And the dungeon themes are well crafted for each of their representative dungeons; A Sinking Ship being the quintessential example of mood. Overall, it's far too difficult to name only a few songs as the whole soundtrack is worthy of mention.

Nano-Rant:

Ok, I tried and I couldn't do it....

Fuck that stupid ass glitch that causes Jibubu to act like a total cheese-dick where he refuses to return home so I can give him the foundation! I have to wonder if the Sun Gem would have changed my opinions on Toan. We'll never know now, asshole!! And I certainly wasn't going to start over that late in the game because of a fucking glitch.

Rating: 3.5 Pointy Chestnuts out of 5*

*It was a tough call and I tried to place far less weight on certain "optional dungeons" than I probably should have while considering this game's fate, but then again those same "optional dungeons" seriously altered my perception of the entire game.

Zemeckis - 1, Mayans - 0

Seriously, how daft do you have to be to think the Mayans could call cut when clearly Zemeckis showed us the epicness that will be 2015? Besides, I would have been royally pissed off if the world ended and I still hadn't conquered Dark Cloud completely. Doesn't matter. I was hoping to have the game finished by the end of the year, but thanks to the agonizing knock-down drag-out that is the Demon Shaft, it doesn't appear to be the case. Ugh...

What does that leave me with? Nineteen finished games for the year? What a piss-poor year in my own personal gaming department. Well, not really as I did finish some fantastic games this year and really, a lot of my time was spent playing various other titles that have been an absolute blast - just haven't finished them, and/or really fought to finish them.  Games carrying the flags for Forza Motorsport and Formula 1 especially fit the bill. Others include the original Super Smash Bros. which I finally got my hands on this past year or some odd gems like Advanced Dungeons & Dragons for the Intellivision and most recently, Street Fighter x Mega Man. But what really slowed me down this year is I spent a lot more time focusing on my game collection which has expanded by leaps and bounds. Systems more than doubled and games are simply spilling off my shelves. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing - I know my wallet would say it's a bad thing.

The end of the year isn't about mindless chit chat though. It's a time to reflect on those games that stunned me or excited me beyond compare. It's about those games that I had a genuine blast playing through no matter how good or bad they ended up being when all was said and done. It's about those games that I'd go back and play again from start to finish without a second thought. Yea, it's about those games. Sadly, the pickins were few this year. However, of those games beaten, there were some absolute joys which made for a fantastic little list of favorites. But first, I feel I must start with an special honorable mention. While it certainly doesn't belong in the top of the year listings, it definitely deserves its time in the spotlight for other reasons.

Honorable Mention: Super Columbine Massacre RPG!
-Despite it's shoddy gameplay, it's a total psychological mind-bender straddling a thin line between game and art and does so marvelously.

10. 7th Saga
-Just another turn-based RPG that stretches on into oblivion, or is it? Ok, I guess it is, but with it's unique "competition" presentation and eerie sprite set, it feels like something more than just your average Final Fantasy clone.

9. Dungeon Explorer
-A simplistic reinvention of Gauntlet's top-down hack n' slash model but souped up with some action adventure/RPG stylings giving the game a more worldly feel.

8. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
-Honestly, if I didn't put this on here, I can imagine the grief I'd get. But seriously, it's Ocarina of Time. It's not the best Zelda, but it is a pretty damn good game and along with Banjo-Kazooie made me realize the N64 isn't that bad of a console after all (as he says through grimaced expression).

7. Jet Moto
-I can't quite pinpoint why, but for me, this game just exudes hours of fun. Even as a kid when I was forever outwitted by the beast that is Ice Crusher, I'd simply enjoy hours of running randomized championships to my heart's content. And after beating the game for Beat All Games, I spent the next few days running randomized championships again loving every minute of it.

6. Crystalis
-Simply incredible action adventure game from start to finish, this was the first "new" NES game I came across, i.e. I never played it growing up, that really grabbed me and managed to leave me wanting more - even with the final boss being a disheartening pushover.

5. Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance
-After four back-to-back playthrough's it's tough to remain excited over this game, however seeing the Western Heartlands come to life is enough to make me want to pop the disc in once more. And while it does have it's problems, notably boss fights, it's a solid hack n' slash that vividly dishes out typical D&D canon.

4. VIP and Wall Mix 1: ASCII Art Edition
-It's likely nostalgia that makes me return to this game time and time again, because it certainly can't be all the ugliness, dependency on glitches, lopsided difficulty, errant design and so on and so on. But then again, that's all part of the charm that somehow makes this the most enjoyable and memorable game in the VIP and Wall series. Of course, the others befall the same issues, but it never feels as campy as is does with the game.

3. Sonic the Hedgehog
-My very first known memory of the Sega brand is thanks to this game which helped redefine what's possible outside of the safety net of Mario and all his Nintendo friends. I believe I can still name the Genesis-era Sonic games as the best series of all time, and Sonic the Hedgehog is part one of four of that brilliant little period in gaming history.

2. Super Mario Bros. 3
-And while Sonic the Hedgehog may be helping push my favorite series along, it'll still never achieve the definitive greatness that is Super Mario Bros. 3. I cannot possibly recount the number of times I've tackled this game nor can I even hint at how many more times I'll likely do so in the future.

1. Katamari Damacy
-Wait! Something dares trump SMB3? Well, if anything were to do so, this is the game to do it, and totally deserves to at that! Much like VVVVVV, Katamari Damacy focused on a solitary gimmick and ran with it. Add to that one of the greatest game soundtracks ever, a fascinating world full of...well, things, and incredibly addictive gameplay making you (as in me) itch to immediately move on to its sequels, well it's not that hard to see why it's trumped the whole year's worth of game's beaten.

NES - Super Mario Bros. 3

Haiku-Review:

crazy Koopalings
transforming kings; stealing wands -
fear my hammer suit

Additional Comments:

Another Christmas day, another joyous romp through the incredible Mushroom Kingdom.

Without a doubt, this is my all-time favorite NES game, and quite possibly my favorite game period. From the very first time I played this as a kid in the now long distant 1990, through the countless full game playthoughs, mindless mucking about with random custom Game Genie glitchiness, and even up through my most recent encounter - I just love everything about this game. It was and still is the pinnacle of Mario platforming in my mind. Hell, it was and still is the pinnacle of platforming games in general.

Super Mario Bros. 3 didn't necessarily reinvent the wheel when it came to Mario games; rather it perfected it. Sure, most people would argue that Super Mario World was actually the game to do so, but there was something about Super Mario World that felt lost in translation to me - at least compared to SMB3 and the original Super Mario Bros. This third installment in the "Super" franchise reminded us of why we loved Super Mario Bros. to begin with - the happy-go-lucky run 'n jump tomfoolery that was flat out missing in the first sequel. But then again, as I mentioned in my comments for Super Mario Bros. 2, SMB2 wasn't a Mario game to begin with. SMB3 calmed our nerves over the agitation that was SMB2 much like A Link to the Past sedated our wants for a "traditional" top-down Zelda game. Sure they experimented a bit with SMB2 (if you can call quickly re-skinning a game to alleviate the post-SMB demand for a sequel experimenting), but Nintendo knew all along that Mario should stick with his roots: turtle-hopping, playing the part of Liquid Plumr as he traversed the Mushroom Kingdom, and just all in all giving Bowser a quick kick in the pants. And with SMB3, that's exactly what we got - classic Koopa stompin', Princess rescuin' action; not some crazy allegoric litany about the struggles of onion farming.

But it's more than a simple platformer. SMB3 was one of those rare games that had a profound impact on me - that special wow factor that only the greatest of the greats manage to achieve. At the time, the game could do no wrong and it took many years before that glassy-eyed view disappeared, but I still have trouble finding fault. Whenever I bring up the game nowadays, I think others believe that I've fallen into the pit of nostalgia. I won't deny this, but I also won't admit defeat especially when I can sit down on any given day and simply have fun playing this game, even if its the nth time I've done so.

I've heard the reasons why SMB3 doesn't actually deserve the title of greatest NES game or greatest Mario game, or heck, even good NES game or good Mario game. And honestly, I completely understand some of these reasons and can see them myself. Complaints such as levels are too short, too simple, too empty, uninspired, unimaginative, repetitious, the superfluousness of certain items, the uselessness of said items, that certain items just aren't fleshed out very well relative to abundance or lack thereof within levels and levels being representative of only the basic items, and on and on. For me, there's only two complaints worth a damn - the general weakness of World 5 and the frog suit. Everything else is sub-par attempts at trying to bring down a great game with no good reason. It all sort of reminds me of the over-the top nit-pickiness often executed by certain angry video game nerds when they're trying to battle a game even though there's really nothing to attack, yet entertainment demands otherwise. C'est la vie I suppose.

I know the most common complain is that the levels feel uninspired and generally just contain bad level design. While I find myself easily considering this for the second half of World 5, I think the rest of the game works just fine. Sure there's a couple levels here or there, namely World 4-4, that come across as lazy, but none of them ever drag the game down. The second half of World 5 doesn't either, but it's definitely a lull compared to rest of the game. Otherwise, the levels are a joy to explore, even those that are extremely straightforward. As far as the shortness of the levels, I've always thought that the lengths are appropriate. After being a part of the SMWC community for a number of years, I have gotten use to longer, more complex level design and have almost come to expect it in all of Mario's adventurous fandangos, but whenever I return to SMB3, it's like a sigh of relief knowing that the end is only a hop, skip, and a jump away.

Regarding some of the more unique power-ups, sure some of them only show up for brief glimpses and we never get to experience them in full glory, but I think that's part of the charm. The Tanooki suit or the hammer suit would lose its oomph if we had continual access to them. Allowing them to appear in quick snippets makes them seem all the more powerful - almost intimidating striking a certain nervousness in the player as they desperately try to hold onto the power suit for as long as humanly possibly. Unfortunately, two such suits are a bit hampered by this: Kuribo's shoe and the frog suit. I say unfortunately, but perhaps fortunately is just as appropriate when it comes to Kuribo's shoe. I've always gone back and forth over this item and the fact that it only appears once, in 5-3. Of course, I've always wished it had appeared again or at least was offered as a carry-over item, but then again if it had become too common would it still be so special? Eh, I think it should have at least made a second appearance in World 7. The frog suit on the other hand I've always viewed as a failure. It's purpose is fantastic, but the game never really offers you the chance to make full use of it. While the Tanooki suit, hammer suit, or heck, even the super leaf are applied as power-ups, the frog suit is more of a physics adjuster.  Yes, there's a couple spots in World 3 where the usefulness of the frog suit can shine, but at the same time, it really doesn't as it's just as simple to go frogless. If they had made a couple more areas throughout the game that could take advantage of the frog suit, I'd see no problem, but as is, it's just not enough to really justify it. But again, this doesn't actually drag the game down in any way. It just happens to be a weak point that also happens to be fully optional.

Even when I try to seek something discriminating out, I still can't. The "weak" levels of World 5; the "uselessness" of the frog suit - so what? Neither ruin the game. Maybe I'm still looking through rose-colored glasses, but frankly I don't care. As long as I continue having a blast every time I pop this game into an NES, I'm going to continue loving it, and I've very likely going to continue loving it more than any other game as well. From the playful graphics to the unique map system (Ok, I'll admit that Super Mario World perfected the map system, but SMB3's map system had an overall better look), to the power-up bank, the mini-games, the first time I laid eyes on World 4, the clever vertical climbs in World 7, the tanks, the airships, the secrets, the...the...just everything. Oh! And the music? This is yet another game where I could easily list the entire soundtrack but I suppose I'll just post a few. It's a hard decision, but I'll throw out Grass Land, Giant Land, and Ending.

In conclusion, Super Mario Bros. 3 = Pure Fuckin' Win!!!

Rating: 5 Jugem's Clouds out of 5

GEN - Risk

Haiku-Review:

world domination
but there's no option to cap -
world aggravation!

Additional Comments:

Board games done up in a video game format is such a silly premise - well, to most gamers at least. To people like me who enjoy games purely as a single player venture, not so much. These electronic recreations perfectly fit the bill when I have a strange desire to play something like Chess, Monopoly, or in this case, Risk, but have no real desire to play them as traditional "family-style" board games. The best part is that's it's damn near impossible to really lose the sense of the game, no matter how reliant on other players the game may be. Board games are typically simple endeavors that can easily be imitated electronically. Unfortunately, primitively programmed AI will never compare to the real deal.

For Risk, as bound by its set of traditional rules, it never deviates from the sense that indeed what I'm playing is a perfect representation of the board game. Of course, to help alleviate potential boredom from what can be an almost mundane strategy game under certain circumstances, the player(s) are treated to either an animated scene depicting battle or a mini-game to replace the intangible dice rolls. I found this to have its pros and cons. While the actual board game can become tiring over time as borders constantly shift back and forth, Risk as a video game immediately embarks on a ride through the doldrums. Yes, its a simple, yet enjoyable strategy game...in theory, but it doesn't quite work the way games like Civilization or Nobunaga's Ambition do. The biggest difference is that these games offer a great deal of control and interaction on the player's part. Risk, however, has little to no interaction. But comparing it to the board game, its fairly identical - except perhaps for the dice rolls depending on how you play.

The problem with Risk, when you take away the social aspect of players carefully considering their front lines and proposing under-the-table treaties, the game is incredibly monotonous. Armies move here, armies move there and eventually it's all back to square one. It's a whole lot of mindless back and forth, especially if you use any sort of capping rule. But the friendly competition among friends keeps the game running and even manages to overshadow how little gameplay there actually is. In the Genesis variation of Risk, this minimal scenario can easily be seen if you chose to forego the animated sequences and/or mini-game. Sadly, I found this to be the best way to play as it quickens the pace of the game tenfold. Unfortunately, the epic feeling of the board game is lost at this point. Instead, it's just a bunch of armies quickly shifting across continents. While strategy is still there, it feels hollow. The animated sequences adds some tension, but can quickly drag the game out. I found the same to be true with the mini-game. It adds a breather to the monotony by getting the player interactively involved, but it too lacks any substance and feels as though the developers shoehorned it in at the last minute. Much like the animated sequences, it's enjoyable for a few minutes, maybe more so since the player actually has something to do here - attempt to kill the opposing armies with an infinite volley of cannonballs. But it becomes just as tiresome as the cutscenes. It's depressing that the most bare-boned, non-interactive variant exudes the most enjoyment.

My biggest gripe though is the inability to set an option to cap armies per territory. In the past, I always found capping produced better strategy while playing the board game. Allowing for unlimited armies favored how you played your cards far too heavily and where you sat in the turn rotation. Basically, the game becomes far too luck oriented as opposed to being deeply ingrained in strategy, especially in Expert mode. Eh, I suppose you could call it strategy, but putting all your eggs in one basket and hoping to blitzkrieg the entire world in a single move isn't really strategy. I call it a mad gamble. But really, this comes down to the difference between playing the computer and playing actual people. The computer's going to be far more one-sided in their tactics which in turn forces the player to become a one trick pony as well. It'll do for some fast-paced, world domination action that'll be over in a matter of turns, but frankly it disillusions the reality of what Risk is meant to be: a cunning strategy game where mighty empires fall and rise again, only to fall once more.

Overall, if you want to experience the game for what it is, play the actual board game. But if you're looking to play as a single player venture or just have some time to kill, you could do far worse. While the game is a near perfect replica, the experience isn't. However, I'm fairly confident that the multiplayer nails it on all fronts, especially given that it does allow up to the traditional six players. Still, I'd imagine being able to physically roll dice, move armies, and argue borders will trump the video game any day of the week.

Nano-Rant:

What's with some of the highly inaccurate backdrops? Greenland is a vast sandy desert, as is most of Canada? Or is Parker Brothers the almighty oracle predicting the world of tomorrow where global turmoil has annihilated the glacial icecaps and retrogressed technology forcing us to use horse-mounted cavalry once again? Who knew Risk was so post-apocalyptic?

Rating: 2 cannonballs out of 5

FC - Exed Exes

Haiku-Review:

to battle insects,
chance a marvel suggestion?
insect repellent

Additional Comments:

Exed Exes? What the hell is Exed Exes? Well, from the best that I can make out, it refers to a minimal variety of extra-terrestrial arthropods - well, that and the obvious: an arcade port for the Nintendo Family Computer. Huzzah! After picking up a classic red & white Famicom, I naturally had to get my hands on some games as fast as I could. I found a couple CIB games for cheap, one of which, Exed Exes, caught my eye purely for its primitive STG style.

Ever since the Touhou series educated me to the brilliance of the shooter genre as an instant classic, I've gone bananas over any STG I can get my hands on. Still to this day I can't understand why I begrudged them so much over the years. They're just loaded with mindless excitement. Well, that is except for those titles that just somehow miss the target. And unfortunately, Exed Exes is one of those titles.

First off, there's a lot of issues with the game, however a good chunk of it can be written off thanks to its 1985 release date - we're talking the very beginnings of the NES here. Flat, boring graphics? So what? Mediocre enemy patterns with minimal count? It's to be expected. If this came out in 1990, then I'd question the standards, but for '85, it's looking pretty good. Ok, maybe it's not as beautifully rendered as the original arcade: Savage Bees, but again, it's to be expected. Did we seriously expect to see a pixel-perfect port? The problem is that the game tries to replicate the original arcade with all the wrong reasons in mind - much like Alien Syndrome. Then again, it's a fault of early gaming, relying far too much on high scores. In the arcade, the concept works wonderfully. In fact, it seems strange to give an arcade game an ending. But on a console, it comes off as vacuous; tedious even.

This is the single biggest culprit of Exed Exes' downfall: tedium. For the first few levels, it's passable as a mediocre shooter; even with the sluggish control, lack of weaponry, and constant feeling of déjà vu. Of course, any shooter can fall victim to constant repetition, but it's never felt as apparent as here. If the game at least offered some variety of weapons, or hell, even backgrounds, I could probably tolerate the fact that every level is basically the same thing over and over - the same variety of insects in the same boring patterns. And despite what some might call a difficulty increase as the game progresses, it's hard to claim as such. Sure there's added insectoids fluttering about, or more bullets slowly ambling across the screen, but with history consistently repeating itself from level to level, the supposed increase is negated by total predictability. Within the levels, most of my deaths were a fault of laziness more than anything. When you have infinite continues that resurrect you right at the moment of death, or even a little later on down the road if you let the timer ride for a bit, why not? The game promotes sloth. Maybe I'm just taking advantage of the situation and I should actually try for those high scores - see if I can produce some of those absurd scores that would have won me a special label back in the day. But considering that every level is pretty much identical and there's no end in sight - fuck it.

Endless games on consoles are just...bleagh. While I can tolerate the idea on the earliest of systems, it's hard to swallow on the third generation of games and beyond. There's no sense of fulfillment, and Exed Exes is a prime example. While popular opinion places the end of the game, from a definitive sense, at Round 16, it seems to be one of those situations where aggravation likely gets the better of the player and saps the will to continue on. Placing the end at Round 16 does make sense though since it's just boss after boss after boss and starting with Round 17, the levels start repeating - as if they haven't done so already. I played up to level 25 (I think it was) out of curiosity, at which point I ran through another gauntlet of bosses. "That's enough for me," I groaned in exasperation. In Savage Bees, the game ends when the player reaches ten million points. Seems like an odd way to end a game if you ask me. So what, our insect overlords decided enough is enough and pulled out? But Exed Exes doesn't appear to even allow for ten million points considering the maxed offering referenced in various locales is 9,999,900. Well, that's a ripoff. Can't even win via the arcade's nutty high score method. Oh, but I could have won a special Royal member sticker...in 1985. Bah!

One of the other biggest factors to Exed Exes' miserable drowning in sub-mediocrity is the total lack of upgrades and additional weaponry. From personal experience, I only ever came across two types of weapons besides the default solitary bullet: a dual "spray" and a triple "spray." I use the word spray lightly as they weren't sprays at all - just a simple trick of appearance to make you think you're firing a spray when all you're really doing is just firing an improved shot. Unfortunately, I only saw the triple spray once, and it's very possible I was imagining it, and if that's the case then I only ever saw a single upgrade type. Pathetic. In addition to the nearly, non-existent upgrades, the chance to score an upgrade is even more remote. The chance for a weapon upgrade seemed to only show every second or third round, and only once in a given round at that. However, weapon downgrades seems to be all the more plentiful. What fresh bullshit is this? It's Fester's Quest all over again! First off, the game is incredibly stingy with weaponized gifts, and most of the time they're floating within a plethora of bullets and nearly invincible dragonflies - well, nearly invincible against the plane's default bullet. As a result, I pretty much lost any upgrade immediately. And if I didn't I was guaranteed I'd snatch up one of those god forsaken downgrades by accident. If the game's going to be such a dick regarding additional weaponry, why bother?

It's funny, this feeling of disregard and raging apathy seems to be a common theme in this game. It's like the developers didn't even try. I haven't played Savage Bees myself, but based on what I've read, it's far superior to this. And if that's the case, how could they have fucked it up so bad? It's one thing for an arcade port to feel lackluster thanks to hardware limitations, but again, much like Alien Syndrome, hardware limitations cannot possibly be at fault here. Exed Exes is a disgrace to the shooter genre in general. It plays slow and clunky and is run amok with exhaustive level design. I could possibly see some merit in the two player mode...maybe - not much, but a slightly improved experience over single player, and that's about it. Even the music becomes this abrasive entity drilling away at your ears. Actually, it's not that intolerable. There's a certain enjoyable quirkiness to some of it, but after hearing the same three pieces ad infinitum it become incredibly grating. Overall, it's a bland game that added absolutely nothing to the genre.

Rating: 1.5 member stickers out of 5

PC - Super Columbine Massacre RPG!

Haiku-Review:

to judge in blindness
is to judge negligently
despite contention

Additional Comments:

I feel it's only obvious that I'm treading a thin and dangerous line by not only playing, but admitting as such and commenting on the so-called "trivialization of a heinous act" that is Super Columbine Massacre RPG!. But I also feel that the aforementioned line is a product of highly presumptuous naysayers who refuse to see the forest through the trees. Regardless, the controversy that surrounds this game nearly alienates it from any other controversial title before or since. The title alone is enough to trigger disgust over such a concept - that anyone would dare recount the events of April 20th, 1999, never mind that it's all done through the eyes of Harris and Klebold themselves.

I'm not here to smear or praise the work as a product of entertainment showcasing a terrible event in recent history, although I do have to question why that's the first avenue taken by so many considering other forms of media appear to be perfectly acceptable means of deliverance. I can hypothesize two plausible reasons: media as art vs. media as entertainment and presentation through inspiration vs. presentation through factual events (despite the copious amounts of artistic license rampant throughout the game).

Common opinion seems to be that video games are generally accepted as pure entertainment - video games masquerading as anything else is just unheard of. To a point, I've held the same belief pretty much my whole life. Video games depicting abstract reasoning and/or expressionism is simply ridiculous. They're fundamentally tools of an entertainment industry which could never be perceived as art. Super Columbine Massacre RPG! may very well be the first game I've come across that's genuinely made me rethink how I view video games within the multimedia world. This game is unlike anything I've ever played, and it not only made me think, but it affected me in ways that no other game has. I'm not talking about pure disgust over the appalling nature of the beast. There was a certain surrealism to it all that stirred up a bizarre duality of emotion. Surely it takes more than pure entertainment to cause such a reaction. But then, those who are quick to judge could certainly rank offensiveness as such a model that could trigger some degree of emotion outside of simple recreation. Perhaps, but it certainly wouldn't subject the player into a strange existential breakdown as they try and make sense of the odd love/hate relationship with the game thanks to the terrible unease, yet curious exhilaration of gunning down room after room of high school students. In a way, the game not only forces us to reinvent our boundaries, but to also question why we would or wouldn't blur the line to one side or the other.

But disregarding any philosophical bullshit that can be shoveled on, there's an obvious black mark that Super Columbine Massacre RPG! suffers from as opposed to some other media releases that can essentially trace their roots to the same event. Unlike numerous movies, such as Elephant, which is a work of fiction inspired by the events of Columbine, Super Columbine Massacre RPG! relives the actual events - well, as much as a 16-bit RPG can. But then, given the amount of artistic license including numerous conversations, quips, and alternate reality depictions including a foray into a Hell populated with assorted denizens ripped straight out of the Doom universe, is it truly factual? So there's a number of authentic photos and the like, but is it really that much different from the "inspired" works of the film industry involving school massacres? It makes me wonder if the game would have squeaked by with minimal fuss if Ledonne had released it without ever showing pictures of Harris and Klebold as well as removing any conclusive evidence that the game is a recreation of that particular shooting. Honestly, the game would probably be lost in the dark recesses of the internet; never having raised a pip despite the obvious representation of a school shooting.

That's enough picking, prodding and debating over the game's existence as a highly contentious piece of reenacted history. What I would like to know: for all the controversy the game created, is it even worthy of it all? I'll be the first to admit that I wanted to play the game after watching Machinima's Top Ten FTW Most Offensive Games EVER video. Of all the games they showed, Super Columbine Massacre RPG! instantly piqued my interest. There were two things that immediately caught my attention about this game. First, it was based on the shootings at Columbine which has always intrigued me in and of itself because of how the media and numerous other collectives tried to alienate and damage the reputation of so many things that at best could have been culled as inspiration - at best. For example: violence in video games, violence in music, and gun control laws all befell a contemptuous eye as they were all targets that could easily be smeared without just cause. Secondly, the game was presented in a 16-bit overhead RPG format. This was enough to draw me in. If Ledonne had made it as an FPS, I would have skipped right over it - not interested. Now, you want to talk about an incredibly offensive depiction of Columbine, an FPS would be the way to go - not a Final Fantasy inspired RPG. Heck, if it weren't for the abominable FPS format that was utilized in another top ten offensive pick: Ethnic Cleansing, I'd probably give that one a go too, if not for anything else; the gall that it actually exists. I have a sneaky suspicion that makes me a bad person, but whatever.

There was one little hiccup that had me worried though. The game was created in RPG Maker. I've seen some impressive work done in RPG Maker, but we're also talking about software designed with a novice game maker in mind allowing for simple script creation. As a result, the game more or less plays exactly as I imagined. As far as top-down RPG's go, there's no wow factor to set it apart. There's nothing that we haven't seen before in say, the Final Fantasy series, the Dragon Warrior series, or even the Phantasy Star series. It's all very recycled and even becomes monotonous, almost tedious, especially when you're sparring against Doom's likenesses in Hell. The battle system is far too unbalanced and almost comes off as hokey. Yet I feel as though I can't actually complain about the issue. For the sake of story, the battle system has to be unbalanced which unfortunately makes for an incredibly easy game. Granted, depending on how you approach the first half of the game, the initial battles in Hell can either be an absolute handful or a anticlimactic cakewalk. Suggestion: kill every damn kid you see!! Oh god, did I really just say that? *runs away*

As lopsided as the game is, which just completely drains the game of any hope of fun, RPG-y goodness, there is one thing this game not only did right, but damn near perfected. Super Columbine Massacre RPG!, if not for any other reason, is a game I'd recommend for its incredible sense of mood. I don't know if it just me being a  product of the 90s and getting all teary eyed listening to Thirty-Three (no matter how midified it is), but this game nailed it. The overall atmosphere of the game - never mind the 16-bit graphics, the egregiously composed midis, or the horrific storyline - gels like no other. Ledonne's artistic vision, whether intentional or not, matched music to imagery so seamlessly and really struck a few chords emotionally. If anything, it helped push the game over the undefined line between art and entertainment in regards to the video game industry.

So the question still persists - is it worth it? As a game, no. There's a certain enjoyment about the first half despite it being wrought with juxtaposed emotion, pathetic ease of play, and very non-intuitive situations. The second half's a bit more of a bitter pill to swallow. If you've acquired the proper weaponry or upped your stats enough, it's playable, but unfortunately crosses the line of ease far too quick, and by that point, the denizens of Hell become nothing but an annoyance, especially since Hell is a giant, unforgiving maze. Essentially, there's far too much dragging it down to call it enjoyable in the sense of a game - disregarding the whole Columbine tie-in. But as something that rises above the preconceived notion of "video games equal _____," it does so brilliantly. I could never recommend Super Columbine Massacre RPG! as a game, but can easily do so as a psychological excursion that proves to test one's limits on popular opinion concerning entertainment-based media, artistic expression and offensive disrespect - not to mention an introspective assessment of one's self in regards to the inevitable clash of enjoyment and disgust. Basically, if you want to hate on it, play it first to understand why exactly you should or shouldn't hate it; if you want to play it, don't. It sucks.

Nano-Rant:

Looking at it purely from a gamer's perspective, I can't even begin to express how pissed I was after reaching Nietzsche without the required copy of Ecce Homo. Worst part is, there's no way to rectify this flagrant misuse of item requirement without restarting from the beginning. The problem is, at no point is it made clear that an item will be needed to progress, and unlucky for us, a little exploration is required to find said item. Hell, I didn't even know items held any merit in my first attempt - you mean that copy of Doom and Mechanical Animals served a purpose? Sure did. Dammit....

Also to note, because I had to start over at the beginning to track down Nietzsche's book, the game unfortunately lost all its charm on the second go 'round. Now it could partially be thanks to my newly annoyed state, but everything that made the game pop emotionally the first time now felt blasé. Even the outrageousness of it all came off as nothing more than sterile indifference. And it's a shame too as it more or less tainted my perception when it came to the game's ending.

Rating: 2 boxes of Devil's Food cake mix out of 5*

*Please note that I'm rating this game purely from a gaming standpoint.

Terrible Twos

Good grief, two years!? Really didn't think I'd still be churning out curt opinions regarding various games. Surprisingly, thanks to Beat All Games, my affinity for gaming has grown tenfold and I've gotten myself back on track in regards to collecting video games and consoles - something I haven't touched since the early 2000s.

Unfortunately, while my collection has grown, my wealth of games beaten has not. If anything, the rate of games being knocked out of the park has diminished radically. For this reason, looking back over the past year, I think to repeat 2011's anniversary post would be silly. Sure, there's been some great games played since last year: Sonic the Hedgehog, Katamari Damacy, and Ocarina of Time to name a few, but with only twenty new games posted within that span of time, I can imagine my top/bottom 5 differing only slightly. Then again, maybe not as those three games alone could easily place within my top 5. However, looking through said twenty games, my bottom 5 would likely remain the same.

For this reason, I decided to create a different list as this year's anniversary bonus. Numerous times, I've mentioned being in the middle of several games - well, actually, I'm in the midst of playing quite a few and have been for some time. Thing is, some games become far too tedious and boring for me to find the will to continue or some games suffer from such massive flaws that the aggravation gets the better of me. Other times, I just sort of forget about some games and sadly they fall to the wayside out of no fault of their own. Well, I'd thought I'd go ahead and list some of those games and say a quick few words about each. While I'm not going to list every game I'm fighting my way through, I thought I'd just list some of the more notable ones - notable in that there's specific reasons why I'm moving forward with them or not. My plan is to give a quick thought in 25 words or less - we'll see how that goes though. And somehow, I imagine that I'm going to raise quite a fuss with a few particular titles and why they've managed to land themselves on the back-burner.

And since this isn't meant to be any sort of best of the best type list, I'll be listing these in alphabetical order. Additionally, for the sake of 2012, I'm going to round the list off to a nice even twelve. I planned on listing only ten games at first, but there were a couple additional games that I really felt should be addressed as well. Honestly, I think I have a few more I'd like to talk about, but twelve will do me nicely.

---

Game: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons

Platform: Mattel Intellivision
Notes: While surprisingly fun, this is one of the few Intellivision games where the controller is really getting the better of me.

Game: Al-Qadim: The Genie's Curse

Platform: PC
Notes: Confusing and completely lacking of true TSR merit, I am appalled that this dares carry the AD&D branding.

Game: Disney Epic Mickey

Platform: Nintendo Wii
Notes: While enjoyable for the most part, I'm completely bewildered over what type of gaming experience I should be getting out of this.

Game: Ecco the Dolphin

Platform: Sega Genesis
Notes: An old, old favorite; unfortunately the puzzling difficulty and length has gotten the best of me every occasion I've attempted it.

Game: Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind - Game of the Year Edition

Platform: PC
Notes: Sadly, this game bores the fuck out of me and I just can't drive myself to continue on despite all it's report and grandeur.

Game: Fable: The Lost Chapters
Platform: Microsoft XBox
Notes: Going in, I had high expectations, but never have I had a game make me so angry over design and simple mechanic flaws.

Game: Forza Motorsport 4*

Platform: Microsoft XBox360
Notes: Very likely the best console driving "sim" game ever conceived - to date - and eats up far too much of my time, though I'm not complaining.

Game: Formula 1 2011*

Platform: Microsoft XBox360
Notes: After Forza, any other driving game seems second rate, but then again, this is Formula 1 and I just can't pass it up.

Game: Heroquest

Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System
Notes: Interestingly, the very first game I started playing for Beat All Games but since it's nothing more than a broken prototype - yea.

Game: Pokémon Yellow Version: Special Pikachu Edition

Platform: Nintendo Game Boy
Notes: Came close to finishing it until I realized I skipped over some stuff that's a bit irreversible now - a fault in strategy guide reliant games.

Game: Shadow of the Colossus

Platform: Sony PlayStation 2
Notes: Honestly, I am dumbfounded that this game is so highly respected - sure the colossi fights are amazing, but as a whole the game is lackluster.

Game: Shenmue

Platform: Sega Dreamcast
Notes: What is this I don't even...

---

*Before detailed-oriented demons knock my backwards usage of M before Z, please note that I listed the two racing games out of order purposefully.

SMS - Alien Syndrome

Haiku-Review:

hostages detained
by a scourge of mutant heads;
time to set the bomb

Additional Comments:

Alien Syndrome is a game in which I'm completely unfamiliar with its origins and/or console kin. I've never played the original so as far as Alien Syndrome's port worthiness, I cannot say. Same goes for ports on other systems such as the NES, the Commodore 64, or some of the more archaic gaming computers. However, I'm under the impression, based on what I've read, that the original arcade was a thrilling maze shooter. How much of that excitement carried over to the Master System? Well, also based on what I've read, the game fell victim to the shortcomings of hardware limitation. But you know, that's to be expected with any arcade port. You have to be willing to accept a port as an inferior game, but sometimes there are those rare occasions where a port can manage to stand on its own. Turtles in Time comes to mind. Yea, it's no way near as incredible as the arcade, but as an SNES game, it's simply brilliant. While I can't attest to Alien Syndrome being likewise, I think it's safe to say that in a way, I'm rather fortunate that I have no prior relationship with the game outside of the Master System. In that respect, I can look at the game as an SMS title on its own accord. Otherwise, I wouldn't be surprised to fall in line with the other naysayers out there.

So what of it, then? Alien Syndrome is an...interesting(?) little maze shooter to be sure. I'm not sure if interesting is the right word - maybe quirky? On my first few casual attempts, I found the game entertaining enough to keep my interest, but eventually, the fidgety controls paired with the randomized spawns irked me enough to put the game down and play something else. The controls have a certain lucidity, but I'm not entirely sure if it's the game or the Master System's awkward d-pad. I just couldn't find a comfortable way to  play this game - with thumbstick or not? I haven't had this problem with any other Master System game to date, but here it remained too much of a focal problem. Movement felt sluggish, yet strangely loose as a result, especially in the boss battles. It felt like I was fighting the controls more so than the monsters that inhabited each ship and I often lost lives in easily avoidable situations.

After several hours of fighting a losing battle, I couldn't take it anymore, and sad to admit, I moved on to MEKA. Suddenly, the game felt more fluid using my PS2-style controller. Does this make me a bad gamer? Probably. Do I care? No - especially with Alien Syndrome; mostly because this is one hell of a tough game. The levels aren't all that difficult, but the boss battles are merciless. On my initial attempts, it took me forever just to come to terms with Squime. Sounds hard to believe given that his weakness is more than obvious, but his hitbox seemed very amorphous. The difficulty, and faulty hitboxes, eased up on some of the mid-level bosses, but Mr. Mimi was an atrocious harbinger of death. Even on an emulator, it took me several hours and countless deaths to understand this ugly visage of doom. Once I realized an optimal tactic, I still had that dreaded timer countdown to worry about. Without the timer, Mr. Mimi is completely unforgivable, but with the timer, he's nigh on impossible. It takes far too many hits to kill him, and unfortunately since Urania is nothing more than a boss room, there's absolutely no chance to acquire any weapon upgrades. Yea, you have to kill Mr. Mimi with your weak-ass space pistol. Bullshit!!

Alien Syndrome was one of those games that when I finally beat it - of which I only had 10 seconds or thereabouts left on the timer - I promptly gave it the bird. It's a needlessly brutal game that not only gave me hell on the SMS but on an emulator as well, and to be honest, tools are irrelevant at this point. It reminded me of playing the SNES version of Battletoads on an emulator...with tools! Ok, tools helped me get past Speeder Bikes for once, but Tracktors pushed me into a maelstrom of unforgiving rage. Thing is, Alien Syndrome is not needlessly difficult in terms of an arcade game where lives matter. Heinous difficulty is required to keep children feeding endless amounts of quarters into the machine. One hit kills, limited lives, and creatures with nearly infinitesimal health is the norm. There's a lot more substance and meaning when proving victorious in an arcade game, especially if limited funds are used. Console ports don't quite carry the same prestige. Sure, there's a sense of pride when taking down an incredibly difficult console game, but there's no personal loss other than time to balance out the victory. Consoles don't offer that feeling of quarters well spent, so I have to wonder why ports are adamant about keeping one hit kills, limited lives etc. in tact. Overall, it feels like Alien Syndrome tried to remain true to its arcade origins for all the wrong reasons.

I'm not complaining about the difficulty because I have an aversion towards freakishly hard games - I don't. I'm complaining because the difficulty is highly mismatched and based on arcade-style mechanics that serve no purpose in its present form. And it's this more than the off-kilter control or even the somewhat stale gameplay that I credit an overall dislike towards this game. However, I can imagine the original arcade game working very well, even if the levels do tend to stagnate as you progress. I hate to chastise a game mostly for difficulty, but this game ended up feeling so lopsided and finished up on such a pinnacle of frustration. In the end, I regret playing the game further than the first or second level. My initial reactions, while not great, were reasonable enough to enjoy the game as a decent, yet quirky maze shooter. Sadly, all of that washed away as I insisted on beating the game. If I had to recommend the game, I'd do so purely as a 1-level demo; nothing more.

Nano-Rant:

There's supposedly a flamethrower upgrade in this game. I never found it. Guess I didn't look hard enough. Damn!

Rating: 2 brain-worms out of 5

NES - Fester's Quest

Haiku-Review:

a proposition:
force wide-angled gunfire
in cramped corridors

Additional Comments:

Fester's Quest is a game I never owned until recently, but somehow I played the hell out of it as a kid. I don't recall ever renting this game and I can't think of anyone who owned it so I'm a bit befuddled over the whole matter. What I do remember, however, is despite the countless hours I put into this game in my younger days, I never made it anywhere. I don't think I ever saw what lies beyond the initial sewer. Heck, I think the first time I even entered one of the 3D mazes was a few years ago while I casually played it via emulation. But then again, I may be imagining that and very likely confusing it with AVGN's video, which is rather depressing on my part. And the only reason I'm second guessing myself is that I didn't recognize any of the latter sections of the first sewer. Hmm, the more I think about it, I may have succumbed to claustrophobia within the initial sewer on that particular attempt as well. Damn!

Because of the limited ground covered I always thought that the house north of the starting point was the end of the game. Fester's Quest sort of fell into the same boat occupied by Battletoads. The beginning of the game was balls hard enough that it led to an errant hypothesis that the game can't possibly be that long. Who knew that there would be nine more stages after Turbo Tunnel? I knew for certain there were three more, but honestly, I thought that's all there was. Same here. I always thought Fester's Quest consisted of the first overworld area, the sewer area, a second overworld area (which was to the north of the giant ditch in the road), and that the end goal was the aforementioned house. Perhaps it's just naivety on my part, but in a way it made perfect sense given how fucking difficult it was to traverse the underworld.

I never completely grasped the upgrades and downgrades as a kid either, or so I assume. I naturally have to assume this because I don't recall ever obtaining anything better than a level four or five gun. No wonder I faced such adversity in the sewers - I never found myself with the proper equipment required for the job at hand. Sonuvabitch!!! Looking at the game now, I can only imagine that I was nothing more than ignorant when it came to simple gaming mechanics such as the upgrade/downgrade system used, but in my defense, the system is ignorant for existing in the first place. Yes, it's a clever idea, but given that gun levels one through six are entirely pointless in any given situation it renders the system moot outside of purely aggravating the player. If either the overworld/sewers were designed with some of the various guns in mind and/or the enemies, I could completely see the system working. Unfortunately, both the overworld and sewers consist of nothing but cramped conditions where nearly every gun's erratic spray is blotted out of existence. What kind of shitty ammunition is Fester using anyways? A lot of these elliptical or sine wave patterns would potentially be great in an STG with unlimited space, but in a close quarters labyrinth it's just asinine.

Once equipped with the proper upgrade, the game is a breeze. Even those replicating slimes are no match for a grade-eight gun. Ok, they still take some time to kill, but I personally fancy the gun over the whip in most situations. I know the whip is the more powerful and much preferred weapon (or at least the recommended weapon) and can pretty much annihilate anything in one or two hits, but I'll suffer the weakness of the gun if that means not having to fret over an accidental item pickup. Yea, what bullshit is this? Let's make a weapon that can pickup item drops, but let's make sure half of the item drops are weapon downgrades. It's like the programmers wanted to make the game as aggravating as possible at every turn. It's not frustrating, or difficult even, it's just a kick in the dick for the sake of dick-kicking.

But the crème de la crème has undoubtedly got to be the continue feature in regards to game progress. During my latest playthrough, I suffered three deaths; my first two completely legit. My first death happened shortly after the first sewer and had little effect on my disposition towards the overworld, but my second death, which happened within mere footsteps of the final boss, made me realize how idiotic both the continue feature and overworld design is. I see very little point in the continue feature as it stands. Sure, bosses don't need to be repeated and you retain what items you had upon death, but that's not really any consolation given the situation. You have to traverse the entirety of the overworld and sewer system all over again, plus any required 3D mazes. What the fuck!? Having a death early in the game, it's not that big of a deal, but dying within inches of the final boss and it's enough to make you throw the controller through the TV screen. Fortunately, when all is said and done, the game isn't actually all that long, but that's still no excuse. I just recently praised Dungeon Explorer for cutting out the bullshit of repetitive overworld exploration upon death, despite some of the confusion it caused. Why couldn't Sunsoft figure out such a novel idea? For instance after the first boss is killed, the ditch in the road could have been filled. Maybe some passageways could be opened up here or there. This game could have benefited immensely from such an approach.

As far as my third death, I committed suicide after realizing item replenishment was limited to boss kills and gift-giving family members, and well, I was already too far into the game to willingly backtrack for some potions. I stupidly assumed that items would be replenished after passing through the 3D mazes where bosses once resided. Eh, it sounded logical since I had to pass through the pointless buildings all over again, but alas, not so. And to be honest, I did attempt to backtrack, but I fell into a downward spiral of weapon downgrades which further lumped a bunch of anger onto my already monstrous shit stack from having to start at the beginning after being within an earshot of victory.

Needless to say, the developers managed to chock up everything that would have actually made the game brilliant and chucked it all out the window and instead implemented a cornucopia of moronic devices such as a meaningless upgrade/downgrade system, incomprehensibly incessant enemy respawn points that are especially frustrating with a downgraded weapon, and 3D mazes that serve no purpose other than elongating the game - they're not even all that labyrinthine. It's all a bit sad, really, because on the surface, Fester's Quest isn't that bad of a game. Unfortunately, it suffers from extremely noticeable flaws, such as the various gun sprays. It'd be one thing if this was a game made by someone like LJN, but we're talking about Sunsoft who seldom overlooks such a massive issue.

I hate to derail this game so much because I remember loving it as a kid, even if I never made it anywhere, and I still enjoy the game for some strange reason. But at the same time, I just cannot overlook all that is glaringly wrong with this game. If Sunsoft hadn't fucked this game up so much or you know, put it through some actual QC, I think the game could have easily been a top rated NES game. Even the music is lackluster. I'm wondering if I should bother showcasing anything, or if there's even anything worth showcasing. Guess I'll just pick something at random - maybe the Sewers Theme.

Nano-Rant:

The final boss is a pathetic joke!

Rating: 3 speedboats out of 5