SFC - Do-Re-Mi Fantasy: Milon no DokiDoki Daibouken

Haiku-Review:

the music ensues:
Baron's son saves Fantasia
from evil Amon

Additional Comments:

What's this? A sequel to Milon's Secret Castle? Hot dog!!

I can't express enough how floored I was when I first found out about this game several years back. Milon's Secret Castle, long one of my favorite games on the original NES, despite a thick web of slander from the general gaming populace, always entreated me to a bittersweet experience - it's great, but I always wanted more. But alas, the one-off title from Hudson was all we ever got. Sigh. Well, that's not entirely true. Little did we know that game companies were pumping out incredible titles localized only for the Japanese market. Sure, as kids, we had an inkling that was the case; which was confirmed with the release of Super Mario All-Stars where we were first introduced to an alternate Super Mario Bros. 2 known as "The Lost Levels" - wow, a version that was an actual direct sequel to the first SMB as opposed to the bizarre and rather uncharacteristic DokiDoki Panic graphic swap that we got. So we knew that some Japanese-only games existed, but we didn't really know just how many of them there were. On top of that, the games were pretty much impossible to come by - importation and beaucoup dollars being the only option. I'll always remember hearing tales of that "one kid" in school who would spend exuberant amounts of money to import a Famicon along with a few games. Unfortunately, it seemed like that "one kid" always imported Japanese localizations of games we already had access too, only because the Japanese localization typically came out a few months earlier. What a waste of money.

With the advent of emulation, practically every game, regardless of localization, is at your fingertips. And with a fairly prevalent emulation and ROM hacking community across the net, there seems to be some degree of translation available. Although, when I first gave the game a whirl a few years back, I didn't have my hands on an English translation, so I was more or less lost in the dark when it came to story and what exactly the items did. Being a platformer (where "jump" and "action" are the dominant controls), and the fact that some instructional animations are presented in a series of beautifully drawn cutscenes, the language barrier was pretty transparent as far as being able to enjoy the game for what it is. Not like Madou Monogatari - sheesh, I still don't know how to do anything in that game. Regardless, I managed to track down a worthwhile translation for my latest playthrough and I have to say that it was refreshing to actually understand the storyline and read the descriptions of each item. Although I understood the usable items on my first playthrough, I had no clue what any of the instruments did, and for me, that was the most welcomed text translation.

But enough talk of localization, emulation and translations - let's talk about the game. Do-Re-Mi Fantasy is easily one of my top three favorite platformers for the SNES/SFC. Although I probably initially went into this game with a biased mindset, thanks to Milon's Secret Castle, I was not disappointed. The gimmicks, though I wouldn't call anything innovative, were well executed and gave the game a very unique feel. Even the world themes, again, nothing innovative here; they just felt so contemporary. Oh, and something else I have to touch on regarding these Japanese games: the artwork is just gorgeous. It's not true for every Japanese-only game, but some of them - it makes it seem like a lot of the US games got stuck with the B-team artists.

Now, compared to Milon's Secret Castle, Do-Re-Mi Fantasy is so wildly different that, apart form the bubble shooter, if you didn't know it was a sequel, you would have never known. Whereas Milon's Secret Castle was more of a puzzle game (yea, I'm aware that most people think otherwise, but I also think that's why a lot of people mistakenly hate the game - they don't understand what kind of game they're playing. Naysayers can refer to my post about Milon's Secret Castle), Do-Re-Mi Fantasy is a rudimentary, point A-to-point B platformer. Outside of a few hidden bonus rooms, which included some cool little bonus games by the way, this game is completely devoid of any sort of puzzle mechanic. And that's not to say it's bad...or good, but a stark contrast to the original while retaining some of the defining features that made the first game so great, like an overarching theme steeped in music or Milon's trusty, yet oft criticized, bubble shooter. Additionally, the health bar has been swapped out for a much more engaging hit system that utilizes outfit upgrades.

For the most part, the levels are short and sweet. Each one focuses on a unique gimmick, often depicted on the overworld itself, giving each level a clearly defined individuality while encompassing the overall theme of the world. For instance, World 1 is a generic forest world, but there's a stage built around a log fume ride or a stage engulfed in strong winds. Sure, you can say that's true for any platformer, but there's something about this game where it never feels recycled for the sake of making additional stages like a Donkey Kong Country or even an early Super Mario Bros. game. I'm not going to lie, I love having countless stages, especially in the SMB series, but there comes a point where the stages grow stale or repetitive and eventually just start blending into each other - prime examples being the entirety of DKC or World 5 of SMB3 (which it shames me to say because of how much I love that game). Basically, this game plays more like a non-OW platformer - the type of platformers where all you get is a good, solid seven to eight levels of intense platforming genius and you're done. But somehow, Hudson took that concept and managed to spread it over some 40-50 levels and make it work.

Finally, I can't talk about this game without talking about the music. Not only is the music fantastic, but I love the use of atmospheric tracks as well, namely Church Bells Ring. Anyways, just to name a few (more musical) tracks, try out: Through the Woods, Dessert Paradise, or Staff Roll (wait a minute, is that an early precursor to Gentle People's Journey that I hear?). And speaking of Staff Rolls, is it just me, or do composers generally push their best work into the end credit themes?

Nano-Win (perhaps?):

So what's better than a sequel to Milon's Secret Castle? How about three additional sequels?

Ok, as far as I'm concerned, these sequels are nothing more than rumor. Supposedly, some (episodic?) sequels were released on the Nintendo Satellaview, but with nothing more than a few fragmented game lists and rather ambiguous bits of information scattered around the net, who knows what's really out there. I have "played" a game entitled BS Do-Re-Mi No. 2, but it was nothing more than adverts, articles and how-to-draw artwork - all in Japanese, mind you. Are there really three additional games? Maybe, maybe not. As long as the Satellaview is an unfortunate anomaly in the world of emulation, I say it's pretty much up to pure speculation at this point.

Rating: 5 children-eating snowmen out of 5

GEN - ToeJam & Earl

Haiku-Review:

sneak up on Santa
before he rockets away -
more presents for me!

Additional Comments:

Along with Sonic the Hedgehog, ToeJam & Earl is one of my earliest Genesis gaming memories. And where Sonic wowed me with its speed, ToeJam & Earl won me over with its innovative approach to two player co-op - not only allowing the two players to wander in separate directions via split screen, but also allowing the players to exist on differing levels if an unfortunate fall should occur, allowing continuous play without needlessly stalling the game or causing jumps through time and space to bring the two players back together - although, there is the Togetherness present. Despite the mechanic, which allowed for twice as much ground to be covered in the same amount of time, I remember whenever my friend and I played this game as kids that he was real adamant that we stuck together out of fear of death and eventual game over. For me, that always took the joy out of playing the game in two player mode. Instead of two intrepid alien explorers wandering across the floating mazes of Earth, it just felt like one unfortunate guinea pig to lure the evil Earthlings away from the other, more funky, present-grabbing money-grubber. It reminds me of "playing" Tails in Sonic the Hedgehog 2, because someone convinced you it is indeed a two player co-op game and that "don't worry, it'll be a lot of fun!" No, it's a one player game with someone along for the ride to act as the first player's early warning defense system. Lame.

Nevertheless, my belief is that this game is best played with two players. But that does not discredit the game's single player experience. Just as much fun can be had, especially with the game's ability to randomize level layouts, creating an infinite replayability factor. Sure, Fixed World presents a fun and challenging affair, and in my opinion is the preferred mode to legitimately "win" the game, but the real allure of the game is to be found in Random World. Of course, true randomization is pretty much impossible within the parameters of old generation games, but ToeJam & Earl manages the feat rather competently. Pulling the "safety net" out from under the player creates a whole new challenge with each playthrough. Other than understanding the fundamental proximity and attack patterns of each enemy sprite, there's really nothing to rely on as far as level memorization - i.e., ship locations, elevator locations etc. The ability to randomize each level furthers the exploration aspect of the game, especially when it comes to using the Icarus Wings, or to a lesser degree, the Rocket Skates or Super Hi-Tops.

Which brings me to my next point: presents. I've always loved the item usage in this game. In a way, the game reminds me of the Earthworm Jim series, although the Earthworm Jim games were developed some two years later. Like the Earthworm Jim games, ToeJam & Earl has that certain sense of madness and oddball humor throughout. If it's not the Earthlings themselves that radiate this bizarre aura - Earthlings like the Nerdherd, a roving stampede of geeks; or Chickens with Mortars, firing tomatoes with deadly accuracy - then it's the presents. A cornucopia of goofy gifts await ToeJam or Earl's needs. From the aforementioned Super Hi-Tops, to a jammin' Boombox; from a set of Rosebushes to the precarious Tomato Rain, presents offer up some of the strangest power-ups I've ever seen in a game. And although an annoyance, I enjoy the fact that both good and bad presents exist. Not everything is a benefit, as with the Tomato Rain or even worse, the Bummer - woe to those who unwrap a Bummer. Sure, it creates an unwarranted danger or even cheap death, although it can easily be avoided by just dropping the unwanted gifts, but it adds to the peculiar wackiness attributed to the game.

And if all that wasn't enough, throw in a soundtrack that sounds like a DJ Jazzy Jeff record or something Eric B. would piece together, tracks like Funkotronic Beat or Elevator Beats; add some bright, colorful backdrops during the level load screens, and this game easily takes top step as one of the zaniest games ever made. With the music and art direction, the game was spot on for the early 90s, but sadly, now it's nothing more than a quirky little period piece exploiting 90s hip-hop and embracing a clever exploration element that once seemed so rare in console games. Overall, it's a great game; one of my earliest and fondest memories of the Sega Genesis, and one of the coolest two player games I've ever played.

Nano-Rant:

Several of the Earthlings definitely have their annoyances: the Phantom Ice Cream Truck's speed, the Mole's pilfering hands or the Boogie Man's...well, the Boogie Man, but I've got to say, damn, I hate Tornadoes. It amazes me how every time, without fail, those things will dump me over the vast emptiness of space forcing me to drop down a level.

Rating: 4.5 Wahines out of 5

PC - VVVVVV

Haiku-Review:

such interference -
flip up, flip down, save the crew
from Yes Men and Lies

Additional Comments:

VVVVVV is simply put, fantastic. It's amazing to think that a game built around a solitary, yet simple mechanic can feel so refreshing the whole way through. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had so much fun playing such a fundamentally basic game. Unlike most platformers, your controls are extremely limited to more or less three separate actions: moving left, moving right and flipping gravity. And that's it. But what amazes me is that on paper, and I've seen this as I've tried to explain the game to friends, it sounds a bit too simple, if not boring. However, it's far from it. It exudes layers upon layers of creativity around one simple function, and does so with gusto.

Unlike most modern games, VVVVVV embraces the retro scene; brilliantly skinned with a Commodore 64 flair and accompanied by an equally magnificent chiptune soundtrack that would make a SID chip proud. Tracks like Pushing Onwards or Positive Force just stamp their authority all over the VGM pantheon. Honestly, I could list every track in the game - not a single lull in the mix - but seriously, do yourself a favor and just buy the album. I think what makes this game stand out among the recent influx of "retro" games is that it not only looks or sounds the part, but can also play the part. I think where a lot of these new "retro" games fail is when they take advantage of today's technology regarding gameplay mechanics as opposed to remaining true to the strict limits imposed by ancient technology or rather the systems they're trying to emulate. I'm not saying that's bad, but it definitely amps up the cool factor to see a "retro" game adhere to the true meaning of retro. Of course, the fluidity of Captain Viridian's movements, along with other sprite animations, goes a bit above and beyond - a dead giveaway that we're in the 21st century when it comes to game presentation - but overall, it still maintains that certain something that mysteriously turns our present day computers into the clunky old dinosaurs of the past.

If I had to pinpoint a singular defining element that really makes this game shine, then it's got to be how well the developer is able to take an idea and run with it without it growing stale or enduring pointless repetitions. Sure, the flip element is repeated ad nauseum, but it doesn't come across as a chore since each screen presents you with an increasingly difficult or perplexing set of dangers that challenges your reflexes and/or wits. Add to that, additional gimmicks integrated throughout each stage, such as rebounding between "trampolines," auto-scrolling, or even level wrapping, and you have a fantastic challenge on your hands at every turn...er, flip.

Now, I've read that the game is well regarded for its difficulty, and although yes, when I first started out on my perilous quest to save my crew members and perhaps find a way to end the temporal distortion, I fumbled through a few areas, having to accept a large quantity of deaths - especially trying to collect the trinkets in Veni or Edge Games (although I will admit that I was trying to make Edge Games much harder than it was, attempting to abuse a boundary glitch before realizing what the actual solution was - boy, did I feel dumb). Also, the Gravitron still gives me grief - not to mention the Super Gravitron. But really, the game's not all that hard...well, as long as you're just playing Normal Mode or even Flip Mode (which I found even easier, but that's likely because I was use to the game by that point). The Time Trials and No Death Mode, however, is a whole other story.

Despite my claims to wanting to 100% everything, I've mentioned in the past that elements which are irrelevant to "beating" the game will likely go unbeaten. So is the case here. For VVVVVV, I decided that I will at least unlock everything as well as make a worthy attempt within each mode. Seriously, the Time Trials are just gut wrenching if you hope to achieve the V Rank. I managed S Rank in four of them, claiming A's in the other two - enough to unlock No Death Mode; enough to satisfy. Still, I suffered the Time Trials to at least try and achieve S Rank in all of them, and I'll likely continue to try and conquer the Time Trials altogether, but as far as Beat All Games is concerned, forget about it. I even gave No Death Mode the old college try and only made it through two stages at best. So yea, the game may not be tough, but the bonus material is downright relentless.  Oh, and did I mention the Super Gravitron? It seems I have.

But even the difficulty surrounding the bonus material can't stop me from calling this a perfect game. Honestly, I can't find a single fault. Anything that I might even consider berating, there's just no cause. As aggravating as No Death Mode is, it's not a question of annoyance, but of challenge, and I love that. I don't know how, but Terry Cavanagh has somehow found the perfect balance, or zen if you will, between fun and frustration. There hasn't been too many games where I've expressed such a level of elation that I've urged others to play them (Banjo-Kazooie is the only one that comes to mind at the moment), but this is definitely one of them. Hell, I'll even give you the link: VVVVVV.

Nano-Win:

I can't possibly go without mentioning how adorable the sound effect is when any of the characters are stricken with grief. And then to see them smile again when they get that feeling that all will be just fine. It gets me every time.

Rating: A solid 5 Murdering Twinmakers out of 5

NES - StarTropics

Haiku-Review:

yo-yo weaponry
to face denizens of space
in South Pacific

Additional Comments:

StarTropics has long been one of my favorite NES titles, despite it being nothing more than a mediocre Legend of Zelda clone. But there's something magical about this game that sets it apart from Legend of Zelda, or any other overhead action-adventure title from the 8-bit era. For me, it's the setting. True, the depth and scope may not be the same as say LoZ, but with such a unique setting - a lone archipelago in the South Pacific - it gives the game an unexpected breath of fresh air. Certainly, the game's spiral into space opera-esque science fiction could easily be compared to LoZ's high fantasy plot devices, but the fact that StarTropics' sci-fi nature just sort of creeps up on you slowly, and almost unpredictably, helps to differentiate the almost necessary evil of video game intrusion regarding wild imagination; which in turn helps to present the game as nothing more than a happy romp through the islands over the course of the first few chapters. To some, that may sound boring, but to me, I find it a daring and creative departure from the typical "fantasy" of most games. And by having that "fantasy" element introduced through a slowly evolving story, it caters a more plausible, natural progression, ideally softening the blow by the time we're dealing with it full force.

I am a bit up in the air regarding the overworld mechanic used in this game. Unlike typical overhead action-adventure games, the overworld is free of danger, which allows for an easier sense of exploration, however I've always felt they could have made exploration a bit more worthwhile. As it is, the exploration aspect is very linear, much like Zelda II, or incredibly useless offering nothing to further enhance the gaming experience. Sadly, the only optional material with any inherent worth is the gathering of hearts to further fill your life bar. But come the end of the game, it doesn't matter how many hearts you bothered to collect, because the second Cube raises your life bar to maximum hearts anyways. Additionally, a danger-free overworld sort of makes the whole concept rather arbitrary. It's only function is to allow for travel between chapters, meet NPC's (the vast majority of whom have nothing substantial to say) and seek out dungeon entrances. If the developers had at least worked to create more exploratory devices, it wouldn't matter. But as it stands, it's a lot of needless walking around - especially since most of the islands are designed in such a way that the paths are directly forcing you from point A to point B.

The dungeons, on the other hand, are fantastic. Basically, they come across as further developed LoZ dungeons - allowing for larger rooms through the use of scrolling and trickier obstacles thanks to Mike's ability to jump. Yet despite the obvious upgrades, the dungeons stay true to the overall design methods first introduced in LoZ: room by room progression with a number of rooms requiring the completion of a simple task or puzzle in order to move on, either by defeating all of that room's evil denizens or by finding a secret switch. And in latter dungeons, the exit might be hidden beyond a cleverly disguised false wall - ugh, I hated that concept in LoZ. At least they use a small telltale sign in this game. And finally, you have your lair bosses which are equally reminiscent of those found in LoZ - in fact, most of the enemies are, especially the Octot which could definitely be confused as Octorok's lost twin, sans the ability to fire projectiles.

Of course it could be argued that the dungeons aren't all that impressive considering LoZ came out in '87 and StarTropics in '90. Three years, and Nintendo's overall approach to dungeon architecture is relatively the same. But seriously, is that a bad thing? Personally, if it ain't broken, don't fix it - which seems to be exactly the mentality taken going into the game and I laud the developers for taking that approach if such was the case. However, I believe if you're going to stick to your guns regarding how a certain mechanic works, you shouln't necessarily take away from it, as is the case with item handling. Yes, there are a few variant weapons outside of the the yo-yo (which is eventually replaced with a laser gun known as the Super Nova), such as a bat, reflecting mirror, or blaster, but for the most part, I found them to be fairly unnecessary outside of a few situations in which they are required (fighting Dimhags for example).

Nevertheless, despite my grumbles, this is still one of my all-time favorite NES games. And yes, although it recycles old ideas, it manages to do so with such an intriguing twist that it ends up creating its very own distinctive atmosphere. Add to that some delightfully bouncy themes such as the Island Theme or the Cave Theme and you've got yourself a fun little adventure throughout the South Pacific. Needless to say, I enjoyed my latest playthrough just as much as I enjoyed my initial run some ten odd years ago.

PS: I can't possibly post this update without including the dreamy Treasure Room Theme.

Nano-Rant:

Ok, I do have one major complaint about this game: the controls inside the dungeon, or more precisely, the directional controls. I hate them - flat out hate them!! They are so goddamn stiff and lag-ridden. The hampered reaction time really creates some unnatural difficulty in a few choice spots in the latter dungeons. The jump and attack buttons however, are fine. I don't know what it is, but somehow, the d-pad falls disastrously short - even compared to the overworld's controls. How can the overworld's be so fluid, yet the dungeon's completely miss the mark? It's literally a night and day comparison between the two areas.

Additional Bonus Rant:

And seriously, how can game developers be so goddamn shortsighted to believe that a piece of paper, that you have to dip in water no less, expect to keep a proper life expectancy to continually coexist with the game pak ever and anon!? What the hell, man!?

Rating: 4.5 747's out of 5

SMS - Shinobi

Haiku Review:

secret ninja spells
used to trump the Ring of Five -
meh, I'll use a...gun?

Additional Comments:

Of the two major ninja franchises stamping their authority all over the 8-bit and 16-bit era consoles, I must confess that I've never really played Ninja Gaiden - not sure why, I guess the series just never grabbed me like it did everyone else. However, I am fairly familiar with the Shinobi series. Talking with fellow gamers growing up, I've noticed that the Shinobi games were always swept under the rug in favor of the more popular Ninja Gaiden series. Not sure if it was the limelight surrounding Ninja Gaiden throughout its early years while Shinobi lurked in the shadows; the fairly common NES vs. Sega mentality of the day; or if indeed it was just a better franchise, but it seemed like if it wasn't being snubbed by the general gaming public, than it was just suffering from absolute obscurity - except perhaps in the arcades.  Personally, I can't make a credible argument one way or the other. But with my own personal gaming experience, and honestly, a little Sega over NES bias, I've always felt compelled to play Shinobi before I'd ever give Ninja Gaiden the time of day. Maybe that's a bit harsh, maybe it's just pity, but hey - that's the reality of it.

To be honest, I like the Shinobi series. They're great games. But like I said, I've always been under the impression that gamers hold no respect for the series, and as such, I've always felt a bit embarrassed bringing the game up in topic, especially around those who I know love the "competition." Well, I guess it's about time to crawl out from under the rug and tout the series for what it is, so what better place to start than with the first in the series. Well I suppose the original arcade version would be a better place, but that's another story.

Now, I've read that the Master System port is the most accurate to the original arcade game out of the numerous ports out there. Figuring with ports on systems like the NES (wait a minute, how in the world did a game published by Sega manage to get ported to its direct competitor? Oh, Tengen was involved, I should have only guessed), the Amstrad CPC, the Sinclair ZX81 or the Atari ST, I find that plausible. Whatever the case, the game play is smooth and comfortably manageable, again proving that the Master System had some worthwhile weight to throw around after all. Now, despite my limited experience with Ninja Gaiden, I've always felt that the two games are fundamentally different. I've always found the action to be more akin to something like Bad Dudes or Double Dragon. Although I can't quite place my finger on it, the combined looks and feel are eerily reminiscent sans the egregious stiffness common to most beat 'em ups of the day. Maybe it's just my own lack of knowledge that's curtailing proper suggestive comparisons in this particular niche of games, but where Ninja Gaiden has always come across as a bit more platformish to me, the Shinobi games, at least the early ones, have always carried the epithet of missing link between action-based platformers and free-roam beat 'em ups like Bad Dudes.

There is a rather curious oddity in this game though - the appearance of a pistol as a usable weapon. While I see no problem with enemies procuring such weapons, I find it hard to believe that a ninja master would ever resort to such a weapon. Then again, ninjas used guns in You Only Live Twice, so I guess anything's possible. Nevertheless, I don't recall such a weapon in the latter titles - I'm fairly certain shurikens are the primary, if not only ranged weapon, and based on what I've read, such a weapon did not exist in the original arcade version. So why are they here? I've read that Sega added some weaponry for the SMS port, but a pistol? Come on!

And finally, I must speak about Ninjitsu, or Ninja Magic as it's called here. First off, I have to admit that this is the first time I've ever played the original title in the Shinobi series - up until now, I've only ever been familiar with the Genesis titles. Secondly, I hate playing games without the aid of an owners manual. That's not to say that I use them, generally I don't, but it's nice to have for convenience's sake - which has always made me wonder, why does it feel so demeaning to a gamer to admit using game manuals? It's like a man refusing to ask for directions - strange. Anyways, with the advent of GameFAQ's, which is a godsend to gaming by the way, game manuals hold little merit nowadays, but there are still times I wish I had one since with GameFAQs you're at the mercy of other gamers uploading personal interpretations of gaming manuals. Of course, there are sites out there that contain scans of original manuals, but I'm too lazy to bother with that. Seriously, if GameFAQs can't answer my question, then it's probably not worth knowing. And then came along Shinobi and its mysterious Ninja Magic feature that I know is there, but I don't have a clue how to use. That's right, I did this game without using Ninja Magic, and not as a personal self-imposed feat, but because I had no clue how to use it. I still don't. I began to think that it didn't even exist, but I've read stuff that states otherwise and even watched a small portion of an LP in which I'm pretty certain I spied some mysterious Ninja Magic shenanigans. I could be wrong though. I could be wrong.

Rating: 3 Black Turtles out of 5

Flash - The Last Survivor

Haiku-Review:

the last of my kind
and I must live as a block?
we'll see about that

Additional Comments:

So obviously there hasn't been anything new posted in some time. Let's just say I have a couple of games eating up more than their fair share of time right now...coughForza3andDDOcough...hence the lack of updates, on my end at least (ps, I've heard that Sven took down Torchlight - I just need to push a review out of him as I've been interested in reading it myself). Anyways, while browsing through DDO's wiki the other day, I suddenly felt the urge to look up some random browser games. Other than a few noted games that I have on my list that I've just been itchin' to play, I picked a couple random ones, and well, The Last Survivor popped up.

Overall, I find Browser/Flash games to be a bit of an oddity. For the most part, they're just mediocre stabs at showcasing a particular gaming element ad nauseum, but then sometimes you'll come across some that are just genius. Sadly, those "some" seem to be a bit rare. Another aggravating aspect of many of these games is their arcade and/or Atari-like construction, in that so many of them seem to be nothing more than randomized endless loops utilizing the archaic principle of the High Score. And finally, I hate, and will always hate, using a mouse and keyboard as any sort of controller, but I digress. Taking a step back from these games, you realize that a majority of these are made with seemingly a single goal in mind: to alleviate workplace boredom or to break the stale repetition of casual web surfing consisting of pointless RSS feeds and questionable weblogs about gaming - oh wait! Seriously, what better way to kill that nagging, empty feeling than by playing some mindless, simple games? And heck, you're likely to experience some genuine gaming elation from the more conceptualized works.

Whatever. Despite their shortcomings, like I said, there are still some really enjoyable, creative and/or outstanding Browser/Flash games out there. However, this is not one of them. Ok, that's a bit harsh. Honestly, The Last Survivor is a great little puzzle game. The problem is that by the time it hits its stride, it's over. Granted, and from what I understand, it was made as part of a contest in which the creator had 48 hours to slap a game together from scratch using whatever means necessary. Using that knowledge as a solitary platform, the game is great, but take that away, and it doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Now, at its core, the fundamental game mechanics from which the puzzles are derived are great - basic left/right movement, a simple jump and a telekinetic ability to move blocks around to help cross gaps, curb obstacles and climb incredible heights. And that's it - basic commands that can be exploited with limitless possibility. Unfortunately, the first 80% of the game is just needlessly drilling the tutorial concepts into your head with less than desired puzzles. Seriously, the puzzles were nothing more than "slide this block left" or "slide that block right." Sigh. But then, with the last few rooms, you finally begin to recognize the puzzling conundrums you hoped would be present from the get go. Still, they're difficulty is laughable, although I will admit that the second to last room stumped me for a bit. Nevertheless, that was the same room where I really began to see the incredible potential in this game, but instead I faced a subsequently easier puzzle only to be followed by an unexpected picture of our block...err, whiskered hero, rejoicing...err, relaxing in victory.

It's hard to give my honest opinion of this game because I can imagine so much potential and would love to see a fully developed version that really pushes the simple mechanics to the limit, thus creating some hardcore puzzles that require some serious use of your thinking caps. And if such a game came to fruition, I could definitely see myself enjoying it, because like I said, at its core it's a great game. Alas, that is not the case, so I'm left wondering what could have been if the game wasn't just a contest entrant. Oh well - so it goes with Browser/Flash representatives of the gaming world.

Rating: 2.5 Destroyer of Worlds out of 5

NES - Mega Man 2

Haiku-Review:

Blue Bomber returns
against 8 new robots and,
old wily Wily

Additional Comments:

Mega Man 2, the well renowned sequel where the series finally hit its stride, is argued by many to be the best within the original series, though personally, I favor the third installment. Regardless, everything in this game just feels perfect, even if some of the later mechanics were yet to be devised such as the ability to slide or charge your shot. This is one of those games, like Super Mario Bros. 3, in which I played it so much as a kid, the entire game is nothing more than second nature to me. However, it has been some time since I last played this game, so there are a couple things that just sort of snuck up on me - well, one thing really. In fact, I think the last time I managed a true playthrough is back when the Anniversary Collection for the PS2 came out. Damn, has it really been that long?

Yea, so as a result, I've pretty much forgotten the trick to beating Dr. Wily's second form with gusto. The bouncing balls are just a pain to dodge and quickly cycling through the various weapons, I couldn't really grasp what was doing what as far as damage. Oh well, Air Shooter was enough to the job, and that's that. It's just a shame that the first two forms of Dr. Wily are so much tougher than Wily's alien form. In fact, I think that's the easiest battle in the entire game, outside of maybe Crash Man, once you understand his pattern. What's funny, is that I think as a kid, I always regarded Crash Man as the hardest of the eight bosses. And now, he's the easiest for me to manage a no-hit victory. Go figure.

I know as a kid I've beaten this game on both modes on multiple occasions, though I'm certain Difficult never saw as much playtime as Normal. One thing I've always liked about this game though is how it treats the two modes regarding difficulty. Unlike most games that either find ways to hamper your energy or just throw in some extra sprites, this game instead opts to alter certain sprites by either adjusting sprite ROF speeds or enabling additional combat tactics altogether, such as with Blocky's ability to explode into pieces the first time it's hit. As a whole, Normal mode was more or less a cakewalk, but the overall difficulty in Difficult mode definitely feels exponential. Whereas I had no qualms about absorbing hits during each Robot Master's battle on Normal mode, I really had to think about the best method of tackling each battle on the harder of the two modes. Sure, I could simplify the whole process using the choicest weapons to target each Robot Master's weakness, but as I stated in my thoughts for the first game, I prefer to use the M-Buster as much as viably possible. I know I've beaten the game in the past using only the M-Buster on Dr. Wily's first two forms, but after about twenty or so deaths this go round, I just lost the will to keep trying, thus moving on to special weapons. After all, I just wanted to beat the game.

And, well, I really don't have much else to say. Simply put, there is nothing wrong with this game, so I have no place to complain about anything. It's very rare for a game to be that amazing in my opinion. Oh, and something that really solidifies the game's exemplary status is the soundtrack. Every single tune is just magical. For years now, either Wood Man's or Crash Man's themes have just suddenly popped in my head and I'll catch myself humming them for hours, and like I said, I really haven't even touched this game since probably 2005/2006. I think that alone speaks volumes on just how catchy some of the Mega Man music is, especially from this game. Other standout tunes, for me at least, include Quick Man's and Bubble Man's themes. Enjoy!

Nano-Win:

Holy crap! I managed to navigate the long disappearing block section in Heat Man's stage without having to resort to the usage of Item 2. I can't even remember the last time I conquered that area in an itemless fashion.

Rating: 5 Big Fish out of 5

GEN - Castle of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse

Haiku-Review:

City of Vera?
it that part of Disney lore?
not that I'm aware

Additional Comments:

Another classic Genesis title that received some heavy play when I was growing up. It seems that I just can't say enough about the 8-bit/16-bit Disney titles, especially the games that appeared on the Genesis. And just like the other Disney platformers of the day, this one followed suit with some clever level design, albeit compared to greats like Quackshot or Aladdin, Castle of Illusion does feel a tad clunky at times, but not enough to hamper gameplay by any means.

Now, as a kid, I'm fairly certain I made it as far as Mizrabel in Normal mode - at least I vaguely remember seeing that boss battle, although I don't recall the Dungeon Boss battle at all. But then, it's also been close to 15 years since I last put in a real solid effort regarding this game. I recall throwing it in my Genesis a couple years back out of nostalgic reasons yet other than the Toy Palace, I remembered next to nothing, which made me question whether or not I was even thinking of the same game. I can only imagine this to be nothing more than a mass confusion of hypothetical gaming elements from a vast collection of illusionary games that only exist within my own faded memory of platformers from the forgotten past. Needless to say, although there's the real possibility I may have beaten the game as a kid, I somehow doubt it.

Whatever the verdict, the game is now beaten on all three difficulties - well, I'm not sure Practice even counts as a difficulty here. Practice, unlike most games in which it would be dubbed Easy, is just that: practice - think Training Mode from Starfox. Although all of the traditional gameplay elements are present, including death, practice is a far more appropriate term than the typical "easy" or "novice." The levels are basically flat, boring swaths devoid of anything truly dangerous, with each stage (of which only three of the five are represented) consisting of only a single area. Because of this, and how long it had been since I put a genuine effort into the game, I half expected the same increase in gameplay between Normal and Hard mode (eg an increase from five stages to seven). But no - just extra sprites placed with deadly precision, less starting energy, and a total lack of harvestable ammunition - the coup de grâce of game mode mechanics.

Anyways, much like its Disney contemporaries, Castle of Illusion has some great music, such as the Enchanted Forest Substage, which incidentally is my favorite area in the game - I only wish they had expanded on that area a little more. Other notable tracks include the Title Theme and Dessert Factory. Graphically, the levels are fantastic, again having to point fingers at the Enchanted Forest Substage. And then, as far as level gimmicks, I have to make mention of the gravity switch in the Toy Palace. Of course, nothing new, so I suspect - not sure which game first showcased such a gimmick - it's cool nonetheless. I do have to point out my dismay over the Clock Tower area though. As awesome as that area is - second favorite area in the game - it feels unfinished at times. I'm disappointed that the horizontal rotating gears don't affect movement as well as confused and frustrated over some of the spinning gears in which the physical movement doesn't seem to match the animation. I don't know how many times I got thrown over the wrong side of the gear because it looked like it was spinning one way only to throw me the other. :(

Rating: 3 jumping A's out of 5

SNES - Donkey Kong Country

Haiku-Review:

a fruit-filled caper
spurs a monkey's adventure -
this game's bananas!

Additional Comments:

I vaguely recall my first encounter with this game as a store demo in what I think might have been a Sears. Upon first glance, I was completely stunned - the gameplay, the graphics, the animations - was this really a Super Nintendo game or have we all just been duped. Is this what 16-bit graphics were capable of? Then why has everything looked so, I don't know...flat up until this point. Not only that, the game itself was incredible. It felt like Rare had just introduced the world to a whole new level of gaming. At least that's how I felt back then.

Alas, that was my childhood - being sucked in by seemingly impressive graphics and clever gimmicks; not realizing that what I had before me was nothing more than a mediocre platformer. Blasphemy!!! Yea, I'm aware of the general accolades surrounding this game, but seriously, I'm sort of at a loss as to why. I've always held the game in high respects myself, and still do, but I think the game receives far more credit than it deserves. For one, I've never understood the appeal of the DKC graphical style. Way back when, yea, I'll admit I was impressed, but now when I look at them, they just look like horribly pixelated photographs, suffering from a serious case of compression artifacts. Hell, 8-bit NES graphics look better than this. True, there's still some great artwork in there - mostly within the levels, but the Overworlds should be nothing short of embarrassment, and they just seem to get worse as the game progresses.

As far as the levels themselves, outside an interesting gimmick or two, the levels begin to feel highly recycled. Now, I've attempted this game numerous times over the years; never really making it any further than the third or fourth world because, well, I'd continually become bored with the game. Nothing ever felt new, making it seem as though I had entered some sort of video game mobius. I also remember after a conversation with Sven about the DKC series a few years back, he sent me a TAS so that I could see what some of the later levels looked like without having to trudge my way back through the game again myself. After watching up through world four, I stopped the video. And I thought the levels were boring to play, the TAS made them seem unbearable. Not only that, it reassured my level recycling argument - especially with the aquatic levels.

Of course, some naysayers might claim that watching a TAS is boring to begin with. Well, maybe for you, but I actually enjoy watching TAS's. It's really interesting to see the "perfect" run through of a game. Donkey Kong Country, however, was equivalent to watching BassMasters. But really, I shouldn't let something like that skew my perception of the game. Ok, so this time around I tried to play the game with a non-biased mindset, either for or against, and just tried to enjoy the material presented. And honestly, apart from the aforementioned aquatic levels, I have to say, it's...not bad. But what's sad is that that's likely the best praise I can dish out for the game as a whole.

So is there anything good to say for this game that has supposedly stamped its authority all over the world of Super Nintendo? Well, yea, there is. First off, the music is simply incredible, as to be expected. I've already stated in my post for Banjo-Kazooie that Rare has this uncanny ability to compose masterful soundtracks, and once again they did just that. Hell, the first song in the game, Title Theme, is enough to hook you - a fantastic remix of the original Donkey Kong theme which planted the seed of the old-vs-new mentality that runs rampant throughout the game using Cranky's "words of wisdom." Beyond that, you've got greats like: Aquatic Ambiance, DK Island Swing, Life in the Mines or even The Credits Concerto (this song is pure fucking win by the way).

Secondly, despite the general feeling of déjà vu throughout the level progression, there are some really cool gimmicks thrown in there to spice things up, especially in the final world. Additionally, the ability to switch back and forth between DK and Diddy is pretty cool, but unfortunately their individual move-sets barely differ offering no real incentive to even bother switching between the two, therefore using the tag team effort as nothing more than extra hit protection. Yea, DK can perform a hand slap, but I can't recall using it even once throughout the entire game - ok, I used it once while testing out the controls at the very beginning of the game. And finally, DK's animal buddies add an extra joy, opening the doors to a little extra exploration within each level when applicable.

But alas, on the topic of exploration, I have to criticize the 101% completion status through achieved bonus rooms. For the longest time, and I suppose this is through my own stupidity, I always thought the KONG letters accounted for a majority of the game's completion percentage. The first time I ever beat the game I remember I achieved a measly 53% or thereabouts. And I remember I tried like hell to achieve as many KONG letters as I could in each level, except for the ones that were in the middle of pits, which at the time I had no idea you could perform a roll jump. Anyways, I eventually realized my folly and that it was in fact the bonus rooms that made up the greater percentage of the game completion status. Sonuvabitch!! Now I have no problem with cleverly hiding bonus room entrances, but this game really went to town with placing bonus barrels off-screens. Seriously, how the heck am I supposed to know there's a barrel down in that pit!? Oh, there's a nearly invisible 16-pixel wide strip of color down there indicating the top of a barrel. Fuck you!!! For the most part, chucking barrels at a cliff or blindly following a strangely arrayed set of bananas is one thing, in fact that's the type of stuff I expect, but expecting the player to randomly chance suicide in hopes that a barrel might be hiding out below is flat out stupid!! In my opinion, nearly half of the bonus entrances are built around bad level design. If I was playing the game with the sole intent of victory, I'd have no problem since most of the issues I have with the game can be easily overlooked - after all at its core, it still is a great game (though I say it begrudgingly). But some of the crap you have to chance just to find some of those rooms - it's not even exploration at that point; just blindly stumbling around in the dark. And why, to get that little star on your game menu and have Cranky congratulate your conquest? Pfft....it's not even worth it in my opinion.

Rating: 3.5 Squidges out of 5

N64 - Pokémon Snap

Haiku-Review:

these pocket monsters:
just simple camera fodder
to further research

Additional Comments:

For me, Pokémon games fall into a strange little category of naive embarrassment and stupidity that mysteriously exudes hours upon hours of fun, sort of like the Animal Crossing series, or dare I even say it, the Harvest Moon series. Basically, games reeking of the term "guilty pleasure" in which I have absolutely no desire to feign interest to others, yet because of their highly addictive gameplay, I just cannot put them down. Of course, Pokémon Snap is a bit of an anomaly among the Pokémon franchise, and really, among video games in general, but it still shares that same addictive quality that the far more popular RPG games possess. I only wish I could explain what it is that causes that, because seriously, the game is just plain idiotic. Essentially, you travel along a rail in differing environments taking snapshots of various Pokémon; all the while focusing on unique poses to boost your point tally. The pictures are then used to build your Pokédex, unlike the typical "capture" method used in the RPG series.

Ok, so let's see if I can sort out this madness and possibly explain what the "nicotine" of Pokémon Snap includes. For starters, I've got to point fingers at the Pokédex itself - the notion that you have to continually collect and build a database. That's enough to obsess over; besides look how popular the collection mechanic is in other games, especially other N64 games such as the Banjo-Kazooie series or Donkey Kong 64. But then again, although a fairly comparative principle is at work, it's not quite the same. There's got to be something else. And I think that something else is the Japanese allure - the attraction to anything that carries the adjectives of "cute" and "tiny." Now, I don't know if there's a general affinity among the younger generations towards "cute" and "tiny" things or if the Japanese are just reaping the fortunes of what appears to be a flood of "weeaboo" tendencies among the younger generations within the past couple of decades. Hell, if it makes money, why not? But seriously, who can't resist those adorable little creatures, be it a Charmander or Poliwag, or even a Vulpix, Porygon or Dratini. However, I'm shocked they didn't try to cram the entire list of First Generation Pokémon into the game. Although I can understand excluding certain varieties because of required evolutionary catalysts, it just seemed strange that some of the basics were left out, including Nidoran (both genders), Spearow, Caterpie or at the very least, Rattata.

Now, as I said, on the surface the game is pretty damn stupid, but once you start thinking about it, it is a pretty creative game. The idea of taking photographs, having them judged and awarded points based on your overall photography skills is interesting to say the least. Honestly, I can't say that I've ever seen a game like it before, but then again, maybe there's a reason why that's the case. It's boring. Other than Dark Cloud 2's innovative approach to creating new machinery through the usage of photography, it's not a game mechanic that's going to instill an overjoyed euphoria among gamers, especially if the entire game revolves around said mechanic.

Nevertheless, there is one thing about this game that just had me floored. This has got to be the only Nintendo 64 game that I can readily think of offhand that doesn't make the N64 controller feel like an awkward first-date kiss gone horribly awry. Sure, it can be argued that this is only because there's a minimal number of buttons used, but seriously, every other Nintendo 64 game I've ever played makes me want to hurl that piece of garbage against a brick wall, and in my eyes, that's something that weighs in heavily in the game's favor. Seriously, any game on this system that doesn't tie your fingers in a knot trying to to use the controller is a definitive win.

There's one other aspect, common among all Pokémon games, that grabs my attention as well - the music. Much like the games themselves, I always shrug off the music upon my initial encounter; typically regarding them as nothing more than sophomoric attempts at video game music. But eventually, just like the games, I realize how catchy and well done they really are. And just like the RPG's, Pokémon Snap is no exception, housing quite a few of these short but sweet tunes, such as the Cave Theme or Valley Theme.

Another thing that intrigues me relates to some of the technical aspects. Granted, I'm not tech-savvy by any means, so anything I say might as well be coming out of my ass. Anyways, from what I've experienced, it seems this game is more than prepared to vomit its fair share of errors all over the currently available N64 emulators due to some of the creative programming it utilized, albeit the most recent version of 1964 claims that it is playable - huh, wasn't the case for me, but then again, I faced a myriad of other hurdles with the emulator itself, so who knows? Anyways, from what I've read on a few different emulation forums, it seems that the game uses some innovative graphical tricks which are to blame for all of this unplayable tomfoolery. But whatever, that's just some technical mumbo-jumbo which affects neither gameplay nor my thoughts thereof. So...I guess I'm lucky I actually own the cartridge - though I'm not so sure I'd call that lucky. Hmm....

Nano-Rant:

I always find it funny when game-makers create a device that only has functionality during a game's working era. For those who don't know, Pokémon Snap had a feature where you could save your four best pictures to an album. Then, if you brought your cartridge to a Snap Station, which were printers installed in Blockbusters, you could print a set of stickers. Although I suppose it was cool little gimmick for kids at the time, seriously, what a fucking waste of money. Hot dog! I can print some stickers of shitty N64 graphics! Ugh....

Rating: 2.5 Pinsir Shadows out of 5

SMS - Alex Kidd in Miracle World

Haiku Review:

Radaxian Hero -
contest Janken's great players
and chop off their heads?

Additional Comments:

Before I talk about Miracle World, I suppose I should emphasize an initial guideline I personally hoped to abide by when I first started Beat All Games. Although I planned on picking games rather haphazardly - to a degree - I still planned on playing through individual series in sequential order. And, albeit, I've managed to do so for the most part, it can also be argued that I haven't. Obviously, with the Alex Kidd series I totally botched it since I started with the fourth title in the series. As far as other games - let's take the Mario series for example - this can be greatly argued, especially since I've already played SMRPG but have only played SMB as a predecessor - which I did after the fact - without even having played Mario Bros. or even Donkey Kong for that matter if you really want to get technical. Well, I'm looking at it from a series standpoint, not a franchise standpoint. SMB and SMRPG are not even remotely related when it comes down to the nitty-gritty - one's a side-scrolling platformer and one's an overhead RPG. To add, I've been itching to play Super Mario 64, but once again it can be questioned where it fits into the series. In my opinion, it doesn't, instead being the first game in a new series of Mario games: the first person platformers. But really, the main reason I haven't brought myself to play the game is because I really hate that game, but that's besides the point. Anyways, I've gotten way off topic and I probably should have made a separate post regarding my above thoughts. Oh well....

The point is, I went from a 16-bit Alex Kidd game to an 8-bit. Because of this, I developed a false sense of displeasure from this game, frustrated over the lack of abilities that I was originally presented with when I was first introduced to this series. Having played these two titles in the order that I have, Miracle World comes across as the unfortunate byproduct of shoving a game that was developed on a superior system into a crippling set of parameters of an inferior system - think Arcade to NES ports or NES to GameBoy ports, and  you get the picture. It's not to say they're bad, but it can be tough to enjoy such titles for what they are. Of course, this isn't the reality of Miracle World, so it sucks that that's how it came across. If I had played the games in their correct sequential order, I probably would have viewed Miracle World as a clever little platformer utilizing some very interesting features on which Enchanted Castle was later built, re-visualizing these elements into their eventual 16-bit glory. And I probably would have had a lot more respect for Enchanted Castle as well when I first played it. But so it goes.

But all of that is nothing more than an occluded illusion of a bad game. Honestly, Miracle World is not a bad game. It really is quite innovative for its time especially with the use of the Sukopako Motorcycle and Peticopter. It amazed me that nearly everything present in Enchanted Castle was present here. However, there is one important element that Miracle World did right that for some unknown reason Enchanted Castle chose to ignore: cutscene text explaining what was going on. Now, I can be rather wishy-washy when it comes to storyline in platformers, but there are times when it serves its purpose and times when it's completely unnecessary, but typically, a single window of text between stages or through the use of an NPC that is basic and straight to the point works and is all you need. Miracle World did not go overboard with text, so the game never felt bogged down (although the text windows themselves run awfully slow), yet there was just enough to explain what the game was on about. The Janken battle text however, let's just say that after the first battle, it was needless.

And on the topic of Janken - ugh! But you know what? Now that I've played this game, the whole paper-rock-scissors thing finally makes sense. Without having prior game knowledge, it felt cheap and tacked on in Enchanted Castle. I mean, it still feels senseless and arbitrary, but at least I understand how this came to replace the boss battles - with bosses like Paper Head, Stone Head, Scissors Head and Janken himself, what do you expect?

I do have two major complaints though: the controls and the physics. First off, I can't stand games that reverse the jump and attack buttons. Granted, the game came out in '86, so the idea of standardized controls is pretty much moot, it's still subject to my ire. I fell victim to death far too often because of the controls. But then again, the lousy control configuration wasn't the only thing that brought on easily avoidable deaths. The physics are just as much to blame. Oh my god, and I thought after going back and replaying Super Mario Bros. after all these years that that game had some pretty shitty physics. The jump in this game is just all over the place. It feels like once I commit to a jump, the best I can do is close my eyes and hope for the best. With the combination of an atrocious jump and a backass controller setup, I found myself replaying the first stage an unprecedented amount of times - watching that stupid monkey-boy's spirit float off into the sky far too often. Now, I'm not the greatest of gamers by far, but I'm not some piss-ant novice either, but I felt that the amount of time I had to put into the first stage alone was completely unwarranted.

And I'm not complaining about loose jumping, I'm complaining about uncontrollable jumping. It's hard to accurately judge just how far Alex will jump. Most platformers, it's fairly easy to ascertain how much distance a jump will grant you. But with Miracle World, I was still struggling with managing jump distances by the last stage. But, you know, maybe it's just me. Perhaps if I sunk more time into this game as opposed to trying to crank out a victory run, I'd learn to fully grasp Alex's moveset, but frankly, with what I've experienced - no thanks.

Physics and controller setup aside, it's still an interestingly creative little platformer. Not the best by today's standards, but for its time, definitely worth noting and ranks up there with the best of its day. And finally, what's Miracle World without the fantastic Underwater theme? That's some pure win right there....

Nano-Win ??:

From what I've read, I'm under the impression that Sega swapped the Jump and Attack buttons at some point later on, possibly when they installed the game into the Master System itself for Rev. 2? Not sure. Anyways, I'm glad they saw the folly of their ways as well (just sucks that I played it with the original configuration).

Rating: 3 Suisui Boats out of 5

C64 - Burger Time

Haiku-Review:

what is with this chef?
please call the health inspector -
he walks on the food!

Additional Comments:

First off, I know what you're thinking: silly gamer, you can't beat Burger Time. True, although I'm fairly certain the NES version does have an end - are there any other ports that do? Anyways, yea, you can't beat Burger Time, however, I've been acquiring a number of retro games that are points-based that I've been wanting to play through nonetheless. The problem is determining when I feel that I've played enough of the game to consider it "beaten." While attempting the 2600 version of Crystal Castles for Beat All Games, I thought of using a minimum score that must be reached, but then I determined that was a poor way to do points-based games. Instead, I opted for the idea of reaching a loop point. The problem with Crystal Castles is that it's a bit hard to determine when exactly the game loops, especially since I've read differing opinions regarding this. On the other hand, Burger Time seems to have a very definitive loop point, albeit this loop point may vary among the various ports since the levels don't seem to follow exact specifications across the board, but whatever. The point is, for the Commodore 64 version, after Level 8, the game seems to fall into an infinite 4-Level loop from there on out (although, more accurately, you could say the loop starts after Level 7 since Level 4 is the first level to contain two Eggs and three Sausages, which becomes the norm from there on out, and since there's only four level layouts, well, you get the picture).

With my half-assed, points-based completion explanation out of the way, let's talk Burger Time. I've never played this game before, although I have poked fun at this game on numerous occasions, mostly because of the name and idea behind the game. I know Sven and I have often touted this game as the epitome of gaming silliness over the years. But now that I've actually played it - well, it's still remarkably silly, and certainly by today's standards: pointless and most likely mind-numbing. In its day though, like any other points-based game, I can see it presenting an endless challenge of frustration to bag the high score, along with some bragging rights to boot. And to this end I have to say, you know, as much as I've criticized this game, it's really not that bad of a game, and is well representative of gaming's early years. In a strange sort of way, the game reminds me a lot of Wrecking Crew, though far more primitive. Essentially, you're fumbling around a set of ladders and girders to complete an appointed task while staying clear of some everyday items gone horrible awry - in this case, eggs and sausages - ah, breakfast, how I loathe thee. Of course, unlike Wrecking Crew where your task is to destroy, in Burger Time your task is to build...well, burgers. And we're talking about some serious burgers too - they're freakin' huge!!. However, I am a bit disturbed that in order to accomplish his culinary feat, Peter Pepper must walk across the buns, meat and what can only be lettuce. Seriously, that has got to be infringing on all sorts of health code violations.

It's hard to judge difficulty on the game. Once you get to Level 4 and you're dealing with two Eggs and three Sausages, the difficulty can almost be attributed to luck more than anything. Sometimes, no matter how hard I tried, I would die countless times trapped in a corner and out of pepper (Level 7 being the worst - it took me an ungodly amount of attempts to finally make it past that level). Other times, the enemies would all congregate together on the far side of the screen, allowing for easy passage throughout the entire level. However, and I don't know if its the game itself or due to my joystick, but you have got to be pixel perfect to climb those ladders, and a lot of my deaths were related directly to faulty ladder grabbing. I have read that the Commodore 64 port suffered from this issue, but whether or not there's any truth behind it, I can't say for certain since I refused to play using the keyboard and see if it differed at all.

As far as the various ports, I can't possibly say which is the best, though I would assume the original arcade version is. I've read that the Commodore 64 port is fairly decent, at least better than a number of other ports, but really, any personal opinion would be based purely on hearsay. But I have to admit, I didn't choose the Commodore 64 version for any sort of quality assurance. I chose it because, well, I needed something to find out if I can properly get some games running on the system and Burger Time just so happened to be the first game I grabbed. After some initial tests, I just decided to go ahead and do an actual playthrough of the game. Why not? After all, according to Beat All Games' mission statement, we're to beat all games!

Rating: 2 pepper shakers out of 5

SNES - Flashback: The Quest for Identity

Haiku-Review:

is it B to jump?
wait, I press Up? but that's just
a vertical leap...

Additional Comments:

First and foremost: this game is bullshit!! Ok, now that's out of my system, let me elaborate on my seemingly avid rage regarding this game. And to do that, I must recollect my own personal history with this game. A good number of years ago, an infamous (infamous to Sven and I, at least) disc of ROM's fell into our hands. This was our first experience with ROM's and game emulation. Although neither of us were necessarily interested in playing emulated forms of games at the time - again, knowing very little of the scene, we were intrigued by the various titles that we had never played and here they were suddenly in our grasp. Of course, beyond putting in about 10 minutes worth of gaming on a title or two, the disc passed into obscurity, only to pop up every now and then over the years.

Anyways, one game I recall being on that disc was Flashback. I knew nothing of it and so, wanted to try it out. Well, a few years back, this disc popped up again and I decided to give the game a go. I was with another friend of mine who instantly recognized the game and explained that it was actually a ported computer game. Hmm, strike 1 - those are never good. But whatever, I proceeded - for about one screen. And therein lies the problem with ROM's: no instruction booklet. What the hell are you supposed to do in this game!? How the heck do you do, well, anything!? These controls suck some serious balls!!!

First off, any game where you have to press Up to jump is completely worthless in my opinion - strike 2. However, Up only causes you to perform a vertical leap. So how the fuck do you get across gaps? Needless to say, I think I spent about a week figuring out all of the controls for this game. Basically, I'd learn a new ability that would allow we to advance a couple screens until I came to a new obstacle that I couldn't pass because I didn't know the proper button configuration you had to press to bypass it. For me, this is strike 3. I will never understand SNES games (or really, games of any console) that force you to use button combos to perform moves when the controller has more than enough buttons to perform said functions without interfering with other moves. I mean, the X, L and R buttons are not even used in this game at all - so why am I having to press extraneous two and three button combos? Anyone? I can understand having to do this for the Genesis port, but come on - the buttons are there  - use them!!!

So already, this game had struck out for me. I gave up and walked away. Here it is a few years later and I located another copy of the game and decided to give it a run for its money once and for all. The game had hit that threshold of being so terrible that I just had to beat it, purely for the bragging rights alone. Sonuvabitch, within the first couple of screens, I was already crying bloody murder trying to figure out the controls all over again. I think the first time I attempted the game, I made it up to Level 3, Cyber Tower, and it took me days upon days of frustration to even make it that far. This time around, although I still struggled with the controls, I was a lot more in tune with what I had to do and made it up through Level 3 and beyond with minimal issues. In fact, other than the final level, the game was pretty easy going this time around.

Easy mode down, I proceeded to Normal. (I should mention about a month passed between my completion of Easy mode and when I started Normal mode and yet again, I forgot how to perform some of the more complicated moves - ugh.) Between Easy and Normal, there is a definite spike in difficulty, mostly through an increased number of sprites, However, I noticed that the difficulty increase between Normal and Expert was minimal at best. The only place where it really felt apparent was at the very end of Level 4 where you have to do a series of running jumps over bombs and toxic pits while staying ahead of some mobile toxic gas and kill a Flybot to open a locked door - whew! And really, the only reason this proved arduous is because of everyone's increased health in Expert mode, which in my opinion doesn't make Expert mode any harder than Normal, just far more annoying. Overall, I think the game is only as difficult as you make it out to be. True, both Normal and Expert have more sprites than Easy, but once you realize that each screen is about carefully calculating your moves, you find that the modes themselves don't really mean anything.

Despite my anger with this game, during my course of play, I did come to respect and enjoy various aspects of it. First of all, the artwork is great. I love the backgrounds and foregrounds. The sprites, however, are a different story. They just look badly drawn in my opinion, and despite the clean animation supposedly being one of the selling points of this game, it's just not doing it for me. The cutscenes, though appreciative and fairly impressive for their time as far as console games go - they come across as slow and a bit choppy. Next, the music - although limited to the end credits and some sort of mood piece that pops up every now and again - I think it's fantastic. There's something about the Ending Theme that reminds me of the great 80s Sci-Fi/Thriller movie themes. (Yea, I'm aware that link is for the Genesis port, but I can't seem to find a link for the SNES version that doesn't also spoil the ending - but you know what, I'm really diggin' that chunky synth-bass going on in that version. :P)

Additionally, I really came to respect some of the puzzles presented in this game, especially in some of the latter stages. A lot of what initially irked me came to grow on me as I found myself looking for the best solution to pass certain areas. All in all, I think this game could have been great, but there are some serious flaws that hamper it far too much. Perhaps on the Amiga or PC, this game was brilliant, but here, on a console, it lacks the real playability that console games have or should have. The biggest offender, other than the controls, is having to wait out each animation, presenting a sense of sluggish control and overall minimal maneuverability. I think if that wasn't such a crippling factor, I could probably deal with the shitty control configuration just fine, and honestly, the game would be a pretty decent Sci-Fi platformer. It's a bit sad too, because the more I played the game, the more potential I saw in it, but unfortunantely, for me, the bad far outweighs the good.

Nano-rant:

Holy Mother of God, I didn't even know you could release Left or Right while running to perform a running leap until my playthrough on Expert mode. Are there still some moves I don't know about?

Rating: 1.5 unknown trajectories out of 5

GEN - Quackshot Starring Donald Duck

Haiku-Review:

fearing neither death,
danger, nor Daisy to quest
the Great Duck Treasure

Additional Comments:

Another Genesis title that I loved when I was younger and still do. As much as I've always enjoyed DuckTales for the NES, Quackshot lifted the treasure-hunting premise centered around the feathered community of Duckburg to a whole new level. And once again, like most of the other Disney titles on the Genesis, Sega presented a nearly flawless Disney-based platformer without Capcom's branding.

The biggest difference between DuckTales and Quackshot, although Quackshot is really the big brother of the Lucky Dime Caper released on the Master System and Game Gear, however, is that Donald has taken the reins of the protagonist, and as much as I like Scrooge playing the part in the NES game, Donald just seems to fit the bill so much better. Of course, there are some peculiarities present such as Donald's weaponry: plungers to stun your enemies or popcorn/bubblegum to kill your enemies - huh? - but I've got to say thumbs up for the Temper gauge. Not only does the idea of Donald blowing his top just work so perfectly with his persona, but it's a really clever take on the common invincibility gimmick used in so many platformers. Come on, Donald bursts into a fit of rage, swinging his fists like a mad cyclone, knocking everyone off their feet. Now that's awesome! Additional win: the gauge transfers from level to level.

Another thing I've always like about this game is that although it's a completely linear game, it doesn't necessarily have a linear feel since you have to travel between locations to collect items to open passages in other locations. Of course, if you know what you need from the start, you're prone to take the path of least resistance, but to someone playing it for the first time, they might feel compelled to explore the various locales at their own pace, opening up the door for a more thorough non-linear playthrough. For me, I played the straightforward route, although Maharajah did trip me up a bit - after all, it has been a number of years since I've played this. I remember being able to that stupid door maze with no issue. I don't know how many times I found myself back in the first room this time around. Oh well.

Anyways, I have to admit, I've never actually beaten the game in the past - at least, I'm pretty certain I haven't. I know I've at least made it as far as Pete's Gang's Hideout. Beyond that I don't have much recollection. Some of the stuff on Great Duck Treasure Island looks familiar, as does the Guardian, but seriously, I do not remember that battle against Pete - so, who knows? Either way, it's beaten now, so the past is moot. And as I said, I relished playing through the game now just as much as I ever had, and for me, this game is yet another title that proves why the Genesis was a force to be reckoned with during its heyday.

And finally, I've got to say something about the graphics and music. I love the graphics in this game - all of the backgrounds are so beautifully drawn, although some of the multi-scrolling in the backgrounds, especially in Mexico, looks rather awkward - as if they didn't properly prepare their tilesets to handle said scrolling, but whatever. And then there's the music. Simply put, it's fantastic; some of my favorites being the Map Screen, Maharajah, Transylvania and Room 2.

Rating: 4 BOOM's out of 5

PS1 - Megaman X5

Haiku Review:

Now spike resistant,
X makes his best game so far,
now with more armors!

Additional Comments:

What a game! After playing the previous game, I was a little reluctant to play another in this series, because, in my mind they'd reached rock bottom with X4--even though I didn't hate the game. But, right away, this game shows you that it's not like X4. In fact, this really is the best in the series. From what I understand, this was made soon after the release of X4, and because of the timing, was made by another developer. THANK GOD. This time around there are no anime cutscenes, no cheesy voiceacting, and best of all, a lot of great ideas for the franchise. The first great idea is that you start off with X's completed armor upgrades from X4--what a brilliant idea! I've always thought how stupid it was that X always reverted to a weakened state in between the games. And...these are supposed to be episodes in a story, so why would he just lose the armor? So that's a great idea. The next great idea was that you can choose between X and Zero on any level. That means that you don't have to play the game twice to see how Zero plays. Again, brilliant! The story employs a different structure than previous games, which is a good thing. The absence of cutscenes actually improve the quality of the story, in my opinion. It keeps it simple and straightforward, like all Megaman games, and cuts the fat by eliminating confusing and cheesy character arcs. The next great new thing is the addition of new armors--similar to the white armor pieces you normally collect. This time you have a Gaea armor and Falcon armor, which you can select before the beginning of the level. Zero even gets an armor upgrade, which is awesome. The Gaea armor makes you more resistant to damage, impervious to spikes (finally!), and able to destroy stronger blocks you find in levels. It's major drawbacks are that it's offensive power is very weak and short, and you can't use any enemy weapon powers. The Falcon armor gives you the ability to fly, but doesn't have much defense or offense. Though you really don't need the armors for much, which is a negative, the positive side is that you do need them if you want to collect all the heart pieces. And if you really want to beat the game, you absolutely need all the heart pieces. Though I wish the armors were more useful, having to get them for heart pieces is very interesting and adds more gameplay than your standard playthrough. Also, it's very hard to get some of these pieces. It took me FOREVER to get one of the Falcon armor pieces.

This game also had a lot of throwbacks to the X series. There were Sigma levels that copied levels from Megaman 2 and Megaman X. There were a lot of musical throwbacks from previous bosses in the franchise. And I liked these. The music was really great. In fact, it is the best in the franchise thus far. Some of my faves being the character select screen, Squid Adler, Izzy Glow, The Skiver and the Mission Report. In fact, I enjoyed almost all of the tracks. They really did a great job with the guitar sound. I don't think it's actual guitar recorded, but a keyboard synthesizing the guitar. And if I'm correct, they did a darn good job at hiding the tell-tale signs of keyboard to guitar synthesizing.

They also had a timed aspect of the game for the story mode. While I don't normally care for that, they did a decent job with it here. It adds some dramatic tension while throwing something new into the fray. They also have a strange Guns N Roses obsession in this game. All the bosses save for Sigma are named after someone in GNR. Strange...

They even deviate somewhat from the standard Sigma pattern. Normally, the final boss, Sigma, has three parts to defeat. I hate this normally because Sigma is so dog-gone hard that in the last version, you basically have little to no spare energy in the E-tanks, so  you almost have to be flawless in your fight. On top of that, they usually change Sigma's tactics after taking down half his energy. Well, in this game, there are only two versions of Sigma, but the second version has twice as much energy as the first. So, while technically it's similar, you only have four tactics to beat instead of six--which is a godsend!

But the best parts about the game are these: crouch and a game difficulty choice. Awesome!

All in all the best Megaman X game in the franchise. It seems a little dated, but not it's too bad. 

Rating: 4.5 new armor pieces out of 5

Nano-win: The Crouch!!!!

NES - Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

Haiku-Review:

the series' black sheep
throws intense difficulty
at every turn

Additional Comments:

Ah, the infamous Zelda II, spurned by so many Zelda fans for its rampant deviations from a typical Zelda game. I first played this game sometime in the late 90s on the NES and then again a few years back on the Game Cube's Legend of Zelda Collector's Edition. On my first playthrough, I made it as far as the River Devil; completely stumped on how to get past. Thinking back, I believe I may have never uncovered the over water passage to the Palace on the Sea, thus never acquiring the flute to scare away the bugger. On my second playthrough, I made it all the way up to the second mountain pass before the Great Palace. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not muster enough energy to survive the gauntlet from either Nabooru or New Kasuto, depending on what town I used as a home base to regenerate health and magic. And so, I gave up - yet another Zelda game that would sadly go down as unbeaten. Sigh, I have far too many of those.

Anyways, for Beat All Games, it was time to tackle it once again, and finally take it down. Even three or four years since my last contact, I had already forgotten how tough this game is. Right from the get go, this game is relentless, and it only gets harder as you progress. However, what I find so odd is to what ends that this difficulty exists. Unlike most Zelda games, where difficulty is emphasized through the use of complex puzzles, Zelda II creates difficulty with typical NES projectile sprites in which the projectiles are nearly impossible to dodge. To me, this game embraces the legendary "NES difficulty" that is often attributed to a number of early shooter/platformers. That combined with the lack of puzzles (which I'm sure people would be quick to argue - but honestly, the "puzzles" in this game aren't really puzzles, but more of an off-the-beaten-path walkabout to acquire an item) is what really sets this game apart from a typical Zelda game. I know a lot of people will usually point fingers at the lack of overworld play and the questionable side-scrolling sections as the culprits of a bad Zelda game, but for me, they're not to blame. Lack of puzzles and "NES difficulty" is to blame.

But don't think I'm slamming this game just like any other avid Zelda fan. As a Zelda game, yea, it's my least favorite of the ones I've played (hmm, maybe Faces of Evil is worse, but really, I haven't given my all yet with that game, so I'll have to get back on that one). But as I played this game through for the third time, and finally finding victory, I came to realize if you view the game as a generic RPG sidescroller, it's not that bad of a game. It's still tough as balls, but it's a pretty decent NES game that just so happens to share some name/character similarities to Legend of Zelda. That's all. Seriously, once I stepped outside of the "Zelda" box, I came to appreciate the game tenfold. I began to see it as something akin to Faxanadu, but with an early Ultima style overworld attached. Unfortunately, the game still doesn't hold a finger to Faxanadu itself, but I can definitely say the game is nowhere near as horrible as I once made it out to be.

Well, now that all of the controversial stuff is out of the way, I'd like to point out a few grievances specific to the game. I've already touched on the "NES difficulty" and the needless sidetracking, so I'm not going to echo either of those points again. But one very important point I feel must be made: why are there scenarios where you need an item to correctly pass an area, yet said item is after said area? Fortunately, the two glaringly obvious situations where this occurs are both easy, but still, why is this game mechanic even present? The two situations I'm talking about is the tunnel to Parapa Desert, in which you need the Candle, and the plains between the dock and Nabooru Village, in which the Fire spell is certainly a help. However, the Candle is hidden in Parapa Palace and the Fire spell is in Nabooru Village. What the hell, man!?

I'd also like to talk about advance sprite AI - where some of the enemies seem to know your next move before you even know what your next move is. Well, technically, that's not true, nor possible with such primitive coding techniques, but it certainly feels that way. The biggest offenders are obviously the various colored Iron Knuckles and Lizalfoses, but with patience, they can easily be defeated, either by Down Thrusting the Lizalfoses or faking out the Iron Knuckles, but come on, Dark Link is just ridiculous. Other than through the usage of a proximity bug with the left side of the screen, I have no idea how you're supposed to even score a hit. I don't know how many times I attempted Dark Link before I realized you can prove victorious with a no-hit defeat using the aforementioned bug. And with that in mind, the total number of hits achieved before I found said bug: a big fat zero!! Talk about some serious bullshit....

Whatever, the game is done and in the end, despite what I've always thought about it, I rather enjoyed playing through it this time around. It's still a pretty bogus Zelda game that reeks of B-team quality, suffering the same consequences that many popular NES titles suffered when it came to producing a sequel, but it's an incredibly engaging RPG sidescroller nonetheless. And with that, I'm satisfied, because let's face it, there's not that many games to be found in this awkward, little sub-genre, so I'll take what I can get.

And finally, although the music isn't necessarily up to snuff compared to other Zelda games, the music is still quite enjoyable. Both the Overworld and Palace themes are fantastic, and each one is definitely befitting of the environments in which they play.

Nano-Rant:

Fuck those undodgeable, unblockable bullshit projectiles!!!!

Rating: 3 Spell spells out of 5

PS1 - Megaman X4

Haiku Review:

X, Zero, next gen,

OH MY GOD, THE VOICES SUUUUUUCK!
but...nice try, Capcom.

Additional Comments:

Heeeeeey...I played a game! And beat it. After a long hiatus of reading (God forbid), I finally played a game that I think I never beat. Everyone knows I'm a Megaman fan, and that I have a particular affection toward the X series. When I was younger, and I first found out about Megaman X4 for the Playstation, I was beyond excited. I was under the impression that Capcom was only going to release the Megaman franchise to Nintendo, and since I never saw anything for the N64 outside of Megaman Legends (stupid!), I thought Capcom was finished with the series. I picked up the game, played it with my brother, and immediately nutted myself because I could play as Zero. ZERO! He's got a SWORD! And LONG HAIR! He's RAD! My brother played as X, and we both found out what the game was like on either side of the story. But the thing I remember most about this game was that my brother beat the game and I didn't. In fact, I remember this game being hard as BALLS! So what did I find out from playing this over a decade later?

This game is hard as balls! Well, really X's story isn't too hard. His side of things is actually pretty vanilla--a little boring, to be honest. You don't really need to use any of the powers that often, unless it's for a boss fight, and the powers are pretty lame. His story is so generic, too. But Zero, on the other hand. Oh. My. God. Zero's playthrough is friggin' tough. The first problem you see with Zero is that he only has a sword. No charged shot or long distance blast, just a short sword. That means that you have to get within a couple of paces of the enemy to just initiate a fight. Contrast that with X, who has a charged shot and who is exclusively long distance, you can keep enemies at arm's length. With Zero, you have to hug them. Then, Zero's powers are a little strange. You still get powers after you beat a boss, as with X, but with Zero, you get "moves". So, what I mean is that, say you beat Slash Beast. What you get from him is a move that allows you to slash while dashing. As a move, you don't need to select them as weapons or get weapon refills for weapon energy; you just do the move. Do it as often as you like, whenever you want. That's a cool idea, but in a Megaman game, it has a lot of limitations. Because of this, Zero's playthrough is like playing the game on Hard mode.

It's hard to say if this game succeeded as a sequel or not. I didn't like the music. Hated it, actually. The only track I enjoyed was Frost Walrus. And that's probably because it reminded me of Super Mario 64. The presentation was real hit-or-miss. The graphics look great, and as far as a graphical style, I think this is the logical next step to the X series. But then they added anime cutscenes. And I'm really fine with that idea. Chrono Trigger for the PS really did it right. But this game does it wrong. Very wrong. The animation is lackluster to begin with, and on top of that, they spent probably $20 total on the voice acting. It's atrocious. It's the worst voice acting I've ever seen or heard. Now, if you're wondering whether or not the v-sync on that video is off, it isn't. The voice acting is just that bad.

So. What to say, what to say. I liked the game, but probably only because I'm a Megaman fan. If I played this game as an outsider, I'd probably have to make fun of this game for the rest of my life.

Rating: 3 Zero cries out of 5.

Nano-rant: "No this isn't happening! There's no reason for me to go on! What...what am I fighting FORRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGHHHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!