Dearest Theresa,
Whilst you're my older sister -
I'm thrice thou in years!
Additional Comments:
I'm going to make this simple. Fable is a horrible game that doesn't even deserve the time of day.
HOWEVER....
Since I'm prone to writing long winded and usually unsympathetic assessments of every game I finish here on Beat All Games, it's only natural I do the same for this piece of shit - though I do so with a tiring grimace.
The Fable series seems to have garnered a love/hate relationship with those who've played it. I've always been unclear on the particulars for either argument as I tried to detach myself from the hype for or against the game(s). I think, despite what appeared to be a recurring theme among friends and the general populace, I had a hard time imagining anything could be wrong with the game. But I also only knew the game from a broad perspective, therefore I was judging it as a basic RPG/action adventure game. It looked cool and appeared to be steeped in high fantasy while retaining the good old medieval British flair. I wanted to like this game, and after some brief demo play on Fable II, I couldn't find a reason why I wouldn't like this game even though I had naysayers standing on the fringes whispering ill tidings.
First, I must make a statement in regards to "The Lost Chapters." When I bought the game, I initially picked up an original copy of Fable but was coerced into buying The Lost Chapters by the local video game purveyor as it offered additional content, and I think I got it for the same price - maybe a couple bucks more. Sounds reasonable, so why not? After playing it, I wish I had brushed off his sales tactics and stuck with the original game. Not so much because The Lost Chapters sucks, but given what the The Lost Chapters adds and how it presents the additional material , I probably would have had a much more favorable view on the game as a whole had I been able to experience the original truncated version of the game - at least for my initial playthrough. If I had gone back and replayed the game with the addition of the Lost Chapters after the fact, I probably could have appreciated it more as an expansion as opposed to a continuance that somehow disparaged what appeared to be a complete game up until that point. Unfortunately, it's too late, and the game has now forever been dragged through a quagmire of RPG cliché's; downplaying the end boss by creating a twisted variation of the end boss for no good reason other than "we can," and adds no measure of depth to the story whatsoever. For now on, I'll stick with my gut feelings on what purchases I should be making, thank you very much.
From here on out, The Lost Chapters material doesn't exactly have any bearing on my thoughts with the exception of the pub games which I'll get into later.
Now then, despite my initial sentiment that Fable is a horrible game, I find it to be somewhat of a pity case. Reason being is that somewhere hidden beneath all the bullshit the developers needlessly tacked on lurks a great game. Unfortunately, it's been smothered to death by asinine ideas that serve no purpose other than to drag the gaming experience to a unpalatable crawl, or worse, an infernal hatred. Maybe the idea was to help pull the game out of a possibility of sinking into mediocrity - being unable to define itself uniquely from other similar games. But I beg to differ. I believe the game could have easily stood out on its own merits as a great RPG. But no. Instead we got a pointless morality system which seems to favor one side over the other, a healthy dose of optional tasks that appear to award stupidity and immaturity, not to mention a veritable palette of overall immaturity, plus general annoyance after annoyance after annoyance, and last but not least, one of the worst control configurations I've ever come across in a game. With that many complaints, it's hard to imagine there's enough room for anything worth commendation, but there is.
I love the experience and leveling mechanics. The idea that the player can set the stage for how much experience they garner or how they wish to distribute their points is very well done. I've always enjoyed RPG's that let the player decide how they want to mold their character - something that for me dates back to the old Ultima Online days. It's an idea ingrained in true pen and paper style RPG architecture. The downside is typically abuse and inappropriate min/maxing, but with Fable's limited options, the ability to outwit the system is by and largely moot.
The combat system is fairly decent as well. It's just that it's hampered so heavily by the balky control set-up. I think part of the blame can be placed on the XBox controller itself as it is of terrible design - ranked up there with the N64's and the stupid 12+ button keypad controllers used by the early generations of consoles. But at the same time, Lionhead opted for one of the most frustrating control layouts and neglected the ability to personalize the controls or at the very least, offer a variant layout. Now, it should be noted that this was my second attempt at the game in hopes to conquer it. On my first attempt, which was about a year ago or so, I just couldn't bring myself to continue on after completing the Trader Escort quest. The culmination of all the aggravating aspects of the game wore me thin, but it was the controls that finally pushed me over the edge. Honestly, I was amazed I survived that far into the game - which isn't very far, mind you - based on the contradicting button roles alone.
The controls are ass backwards in this game. The logic goes against everything I'm used to. For instance, run is B instead of X - well, in terms of an NES controller, run would be B, so I guess that makes sense after all. Well, how about the action and fight commands - A and X respectively? So many times throughout the game, I kept swapping these two buttons. I'd find myself furiously mashing A trying to kill things and sitting there dumbfounded as to why I'm getting my ass handed to me. Likewise, I mistakenly swung my weapon in public a few times inadvertently committing destruction to property. I had to apologize to those dickhead guards far too often because I briefly experienced a brain fart; pressing the wrong button. You know what the issue is? You can't jump. I can't stand these types of games where jumping is purposefully denied. Even if jumping serves no purpose - for instance the Dark Alliance series, outside of a single level - it helps mold and define the control layout into something proper, intuitive, and like every other game out there. But because the ability to jump has been written out of development, it's allowed the developers to go hog wild with their remaining button layout.
Other headaches include the R-trigger. Much like the above scenarios, I found myself barely resting a finger on the R-trigger accidentally which would result in an undesired spell as opposed to an action or attack. This was especially aggravating when being trailed by followers or within the vicinity of traders or guards. This would result in undesired evil points, or in the case of guards, people beating the shit out of you. It's my own fault, but it's something that could have easily been solved if I could have made a personalized button map. Same goes for the D-pad. What a useless crock that turned out to be. I could think of far better use of the D-pad then offering arbitrary expressions which I never used! Oh, but wait. I can map the D-pad when conditioned by the R-trigger. Fantastic! That's even more irrational than offering Blood Roars and Sexy Poses as my mainstays. What the fuck!? Why can't I just have an intuitive set of controls?
Moving on - morality. For starters, I'm not the biggest fan of games that are steeped in morality choices, or at least claim to be. I have no problem with general morality making it's case throughout a storyline, but forcing extremes tends to muddy things up. You can either run through the game with reckless abandonment or you need to carefully tip-toe through every single nuance of the game. Since I chose to play a righteous hero, I felt like I got the short end of the stick. I suppose it's reasonable to believe this would be the case in any game, but following the path of good felt more elusive here than it should have been. That's not to say that's it's hard to be good - it's not. Just continue to kill baddies, and you'll be a virtuous, halo-wearing champion before you know it. It's just that the game is so chock full of immaturity and optional material that goads you left of the path that it becomes a nuisance. Play an unscrupulous, horned asshole and there's next to nothing trying to claim otherwise. But it parallel's real life - temptation and all. Maybe so, but this is a game and any sort of system which relies on player made choices should have relatively equal footing concerning all parties involved. And by the way, I don't care if I'm helping a vagabond, breaking wind on someone is not a morally sound action. +20 good points for that? What else can I fart on?
The immaturity level in this game is astounding. While the controls frustrated me to no end, I think it's the overall juvenile demeanor that kept my head hanging in shame. What kind of ass clowns are working at Lionhead anyway? I can't help but feel like a perverted prepubescent teen playing this game. The expressions are a key example of useless bullshit built into the game and every single one of them makes you feel like a dirty twit - like I should be in the shower scrubbing off the shame. Other than farting on a bully, there is no immediate use to any of them, and I hesitate to call that one instance necessary as it's nothing more than a side quest; not even a Bronze Quest, but a side quest. Ok, as I mentioned earlier, I made use of the apology expression and I used the flirt expression so that I could find a wife, but neither of these things added any merit to the game. I would have done just as well if none of this existed to begin with. The expressions list is nothing but a laundry list of what-the-fucks? Fart, belch, crotch grab, pelvic thrust, or simply blurting out an unscrupulous "Shit!" - it's all stuff that adds zero value; instead forcefully shoving the game into an unwanted quagmire of toilet humor. Leave such lowbrow antics to games like Leisure Suit Larry. I'm not trying to be a prude. Take Earthworm Jim, for example. That game runs rampant with toilet humor, but it never feels awkward, or dirty, or embarrassing which is exactly how I felt every time I was subjected to it here. Fortunately, most of the immaturity is a product of optional mechanics or modes, but still, it's there and it just doesn't need to be.
Another quirk, that ended up being a real head-scratcher, is the fact the the hero ages, yet nobody else is subject to time's cruel joke. Am I missing something here? For a while, I began to suspect magic could be to blame, but then, none of the other guild heroes ever wrinkle. So, why does this mechanic exist? It's especially frustrating as it defies the entire plot. Essentially, it turns the whole game into one giant lie. When I meet Theresa, my older sister, she's nearly 20 years my younger. Whisper is still the same age when I fight beside her in the arena as she was when I sparred against her at the guild, yet I've put on a good 30 or 40 years. And by the time I rescued my mother from Bargate Prison, I was pushing 60 and looked as if I could have been one of her elders. Isn't my wife concerned that I appear to be inflicted with some sort of progeroid syndrome? There's a lot of bad decisions that went into this game, but this by far has to be one of the most confusing. I'm simply dumbfounded that there's no explanation regarding this complete disregard for the laws of time.
As I said, I went into this game trying my best to ignore what others had to say. I really wanted to like this game as it looked like a great action adventure/RPG. It's unfortunate that it got bogged down by superfluous mechanics, bad decisions, and controls that are utter junk. Thing is, most bad games, you can look at them and agree that the game had no hope from the get go. I honestly believe Fable could have been an excellent game. Sadly, that jewel of the Nile was lavishly covered in bullshit. I'm told Fable II fixed a lot of the intricacies that botched this game. Whether or not that's true, who knows. What I have seen of the game looks far more promising, but my experience with Fable has numbed my will to continue the series.
As far as music, I don't know what to say. There was some great, ominous mood pieces, namely what plays while exploring Lady Grey's House (can't seem to find the exact piece - sounds reminiscent of Hobbes Cave, but isn't quite it), but for the most part, everything rang of mediocrity. Even the Fable Theme is lackluster, despite being penned by Elfman. Then again, if he isn't composing for a scene focused around a Rube Goldberg machine, most of his work falls a little flat - not all, but most.
Nano-Rant:
I feel I'm forgetting something. Ah, yes - the pub games. I probably wouldn't mind the aggravation of all these stupid little mini-games if the controls weren't so devilishly fucked up. I have to seriously question placing emphasis on these games by having a quest revolve around them outside of what should have been nothing more than mindless fun and maybe a quick way to pocket some extra gold. If the controls weren't so broken, I'd pay no mind - after all it's no different than questing for some silver keys by kicking chickens or reeling in the big catch. However, both of those mini-games actually have functioning controls. Relying on the left thumbstick to move the cursor around in the various card games is simply frustrating, not to mention the crooked camera angle. Never was this more evident than in the Card Sorting game. What fresh shit is this!?
After several rounds of failure, I gave up. I decided the Hero Dolls quest just wasn't worth it, but then, I couldn't come to terms with finishing the game and leaving the quest unfinished. Ugh, but how I detest card sorting with a wonky thumbstick. Ah ha! But there is a way, so I learned from various FAQ's, by warping time thus slowing down the mini-game's clock. Fantastic! To my dismay, nearly every FAQ I came across seemed to neglect the fact that The Lost Chapters edition fixed this initially overlooked cheat. Dammit!! Seems I'm back to the drawing board. I tried a few more rounds, all resulting in failure, and again resorted to giving the Hero Dolls quest a big fat finger. And again I felt uneasy leaving such a simple task without proper closure. In the end, I must have spent close to two hours playing hand after hand until I finally succeeded in finishing under 25 seconds just so I could secure some stupid little doll only to obtain yet an even more worthless doll from the schoolteacher.
The saddest part about the whole affair is that when I managed to score a time of 24.1 seconds in Card Sorting, I jumped out of my chair in exuberant victory. I couldn't believe I bested that stupid piece of crap mini-game. When it came to defeating the newly anointed dragon-form, Jack of Blades, and conquering the game once and for all, I let slip a paltry, "Oh, is that the end?" Considering it threw me back into the game after the credit roll, I found myself second guessing the end - much akin to Myst. Point is, I found more excitement, pride, and outright sense of victory beating a fucking card game than I did beating the actual game. How fucked up is that!? That alone should speak volumes about how much the ancillary bullshit suffocated what could have, and really, should have been a great game.
PS. I swear, if I had to listen to the fucking Guildmaster globally shout, "Ah! There's an important quest card waiting at the guild for you," again, I'd kill myself. I'm aware! Leave me the fuck alone, I'm exploring the world!
Rating: 2 withered, old prostitutes out of 5
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