GEN - Quackshot Starring Donald Duck

Haiku-Review:

fearing neither death,
danger, nor Daisy to quest
the Great Duck Treasure

Additional Comments:

Another Genesis title that I loved when I was younger and still do. As much as I've always enjoyed DuckTales for the NES, Quackshot lifted the treasure-hunting premise centered around the feathered community of Duckburg to a whole new level. And once again, like most of the other Disney titles on the Genesis, Sega presented a nearly flawless Disney-based platformer without Capcom's branding.

The biggest difference between DuckTales and Quackshot, although Quackshot is really the big brother of the Lucky Dime Caper released on the Master System and Game Gear, however, is that Donald has taken the reins of the protagonist, and as much as I like Scrooge playing the part in the NES game, Donald just seems to fit the bill so much better. Of course, there are some peculiarities present such as Donald's weaponry: plungers to stun your enemies or popcorn/bubblegum to kill your enemies - huh? - but I've got to say thumbs up for the Temper gauge. Not only does the idea of Donald blowing his top just work so perfectly with his persona, but it's a really clever take on the common invincibility gimmick used in so many platformers. Come on, Donald bursts into a fit of rage, swinging his fists like a mad cyclone, knocking everyone off their feet. Now that's awesome! Additional win: the gauge transfers from level to level.

Another thing I've always like about this game is that although it's a completely linear game, it doesn't necessarily have a linear feel since you have to travel between locations to collect items to open passages in other locations. Of course, if you know what you need from the start, you're prone to take the path of least resistance, but to someone playing it for the first time, they might feel compelled to explore the various locales at their own pace, opening up the door for a more thorough non-linear playthrough. For me, I played the straightforward route, although Maharajah did trip me up a bit - after all, it has been a number of years since I've played this. I remember being able to that stupid door maze with no issue. I don't know how many times I found myself back in the first room this time around. Oh well.

Anyways, I have to admit, I've never actually beaten the game in the past - at least, I'm pretty certain I haven't. I know I've at least made it as far as Pete's Gang's Hideout. Beyond that I don't have much recollection. Some of the stuff on Great Duck Treasure Island looks familiar, as does the Guardian, but seriously, I do not remember that battle against Pete - so, who knows? Either way, it's beaten now, so the past is moot. And as I said, I relished playing through the game now just as much as I ever had, and for me, this game is yet another title that proves why the Genesis was a force to be reckoned with during its heyday.

And finally, I've got to say something about the graphics and music. I love the graphics in this game - all of the backgrounds are so beautifully drawn, although some of the multi-scrolling in the backgrounds, especially in Mexico, looks rather awkward - as if they didn't properly prepare their tilesets to handle said scrolling, but whatever. And then there's the music. Simply put, it's fantastic; some of my favorites being the Map Screen, Maharajah, Transylvania and Room 2.

Rating: 4 BOOM's out of 5

PS1 - Megaman X5

Haiku Review:

Now spike resistant,
X makes his best game so far,
now with more armors!

Additional Comments:

What a game! After playing the previous game, I was a little reluctant to play another in this series, because, in my mind they'd reached rock bottom with X4--even though I didn't hate the game. But, right away, this game shows you that it's not like X4. In fact, this really is the best in the series. From what I understand, this was made soon after the release of X4, and because of the timing, was made by another developer. THANK GOD. This time around there are no anime cutscenes, no cheesy voiceacting, and best of all, a lot of great ideas for the franchise. The first great idea is that you start off with X's completed armor upgrades from X4--what a brilliant idea! I've always thought how stupid it was that X always reverted to a weakened state in between the games. And...these are supposed to be episodes in a story, so why would he just lose the armor? So that's a great idea. The next great idea was that you can choose between X and Zero on any level. That means that you don't have to play the game twice to see how Zero plays. Again, brilliant! The story employs a different structure than previous games, which is a good thing. The absence of cutscenes actually improve the quality of the story, in my opinion. It keeps it simple and straightforward, like all Megaman games, and cuts the fat by eliminating confusing and cheesy character arcs. The next great new thing is the addition of new armors--similar to the white armor pieces you normally collect. This time you have a Gaea armor and Falcon armor, which you can select before the beginning of the level. Zero even gets an armor upgrade, which is awesome. The Gaea armor makes you more resistant to damage, impervious to spikes (finally!), and able to destroy stronger blocks you find in levels. It's major drawbacks are that it's offensive power is very weak and short, and you can't use any enemy weapon powers. The Falcon armor gives you the ability to fly, but doesn't have much defense or offense. Though you really don't need the armors for much, which is a negative, the positive side is that you do need them if you want to collect all the heart pieces. And if you really want to beat the game, you absolutely need all the heart pieces. Though I wish the armors were more useful, having to get them for heart pieces is very interesting and adds more gameplay than your standard playthrough. Also, it's very hard to get some of these pieces. It took me FOREVER to get one of the Falcon armor pieces.

This game also had a lot of throwbacks to the X series. There were Sigma levels that copied levels from Megaman 2 and Megaman X. There were a lot of musical throwbacks from previous bosses in the franchise. And I liked these. The music was really great. In fact, it is the best in the franchise thus far. Some of my faves being the character select screen, Squid Adler, Izzy Glow, The Skiver and the Mission Report. In fact, I enjoyed almost all of the tracks. They really did a great job with the guitar sound. I don't think it's actual guitar recorded, but a keyboard synthesizing the guitar. And if I'm correct, they did a darn good job at hiding the tell-tale signs of keyboard to guitar synthesizing.

They also had a timed aspect of the game for the story mode. While I don't normally care for that, they did a decent job with it here. It adds some dramatic tension while throwing something new into the fray. They also have a strange Guns N Roses obsession in this game. All the bosses save for Sigma are named after someone in GNR. Strange...

They even deviate somewhat from the standard Sigma pattern. Normally, the final boss, Sigma, has three parts to defeat. I hate this normally because Sigma is so dog-gone hard that in the last version, you basically have little to no spare energy in the E-tanks, so  you almost have to be flawless in your fight. On top of that, they usually change Sigma's tactics after taking down half his energy. Well, in this game, there are only two versions of Sigma, but the second version has twice as much energy as the first. So, while technically it's similar, you only have four tactics to beat instead of six--which is a godsend!

But the best parts about the game are these: crouch and a game difficulty choice. Awesome!

All in all the best Megaman X game in the franchise. It seems a little dated, but not it's too bad. 

Rating: 4.5 new armor pieces out of 5

Nano-win: The Crouch!!!!

NES - Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

Haiku-Review:

the series' black sheep
throws intense difficulty
at every turn

Additional Comments:

Ah, the infamous Zelda II, spurned by so many Zelda fans for its rampant deviations from a typical Zelda game. I first played this game sometime in the late 90s on the NES and then again a few years back on the Game Cube's Legend of Zelda Collector's Edition. On my first playthrough, I made it as far as the River Devil; completely stumped on how to get past. Thinking back, I believe I may have never uncovered the over water passage to the Palace on the Sea, thus never acquiring the flute to scare away the bugger. On my second playthrough, I made it all the way up to the second mountain pass before the Great Palace. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not muster enough energy to survive the gauntlet from either Nabooru or New Kasuto, depending on what town I used as a home base to regenerate health and magic. And so, I gave up - yet another Zelda game that would sadly go down as unbeaten. Sigh, I have far too many of those.

Anyways, for Beat All Games, it was time to tackle it once again, and finally take it down. Even three or four years since my last contact, I had already forgotten how tough this game is. Right from the get go, this game is relentless, and it only gets harder as you progress. However, what I find so odd is to what ends that this difficulty exists. Unlike most Zelda games, where difficulty is emphasized through the use of complex puzzles, Zelda II creates difficulty with typical NES projectile sprites in which the projectiles are nearly impossible to dodge. To me, this game embraces the legendary "NES difficulty" that is often attributed to a number of early shooter/platformers. That combined with the lack of puzzles (which I'm sure people would be quick to argue - but honestly, the "puzzles" in this game aren't really puzzles, but more of an off-the-beaten-path walkabout to acquire an item) is what really sets this game apart from a typical Zelda game. I know a lot of people will usually point fingers at the lack of overworld play and the questionable side-scrolling sections as the culprits of a bad Zelda game, but for me, they're not to blame. Lack of puzzles and "NES difficulty" is to blame.

But don't think I'm slamming this game just like any other avid Zelda fan. As a Zelda game, yea, it's my least favorite of the ones I've played (hmm, maybe Faces of Evil is worse, but really, I haven't given my all yet with that game, so I'll have to get back on that one). But as I played this game through for the third time, and finally finding victory, I came to realize if you view the game as a generic RPG sidescroller, it's not that bad of a game. It's still tough as balls, but it's a pretty decent NES game that just so happens to share some name/character similarities to Legend of Zelda. That's all. Seriously, once I stepped outside of the "Zelda" box, I came to appreciate the game tenfold. I began to see it as something akin to Faxanadu, but with an early Ultima style overworld attached. Unfortunately, the game still doesn't hold a finger to Faxanadu itself, but I can definitely say the game is nowhere near as horrible as I once made it out to be.

Well, now that all of the controversial stuff is out of the way, I'd like to point out a few grievances specific to the game. I've already touched on the "NES difficulty" and the needless sidetracking, so I'm not going to echo either of those points again. But one very important point I feel must be made: why are there scenarios where you need an item to correctly pass an area, yet said item is after said area? Fortunately, the two glaringly obvious situations where this occurs are both easy, but still, why is this game mechanic even present? The two situations I'm talking about is the tunnel to Parapa Desert, in which you need the Candle, and the plains between the dock and Nabooru Village, in which the Fire spell is certainly a help. However, the Candle is hidden in Parapa Palace and the Fire spell is in Nabooru Village. What the hell, man!?

I'd also like to talk about advance sprite AI - where some of the enemies seem to know your next move before you even know what your next move is. Well, technically, that's not true, nor possible with such primitive coding techniques, but it certainly feels that way. The biggest offenders are obviously the various colored Iron Knuckles and Lizalfoses, but with patience, they can easily be defeated, either by Down Thrusting the Lizalfoses or faking out the Iron Knuckles, but come on, Dark Link is just ridiculous. Other than through the usage of a proximity bug with the left side of the screen, I have no idea how you're supposed to even score a hit. I don't know how many times I attempted Dark Link before I realized you can prove victorious with a no-hit defeat using the aforementioned bug. And with that in mind, the total number of hits achieved before I found said bug: a big fat zero!! Talk about some serious bullshit....

Whatever, the game is done and in the end, despite what I've always thought about it, I rather enjoyed playing through it this time around. It's still a pretty bogus Zelda game that reeks of B-team quality, suffering the same consequences that many popular NES titles suffered when it came to producing a sequel, but it's an incredibly engaging RPG sidescroller nonetheless. And with that, I'm satisfied, because let's face it, there's not that many games to be found in this awkward, little sub-genre, so I'll take what I can get.

And finally, although the music isn't necessarily up to snuff compared to other Zelda games, the music is still quite enjoyable. Both the Overworld and Palace themes are fantastic, and each one is definitely befitting of the environments in which they play.

Nano-Rant:

Fuck those undodgeable, unblockable bullshit projectiles!!!!

Rating: 3 Spell spells out of 5

PS1 - Megaman X4

Haiku Review:

X, Zero, next gen,

OH MY GOD, THE VOICES SUUUUUUCK!
but...nice try, Capcom.

Additional Comments:

Heeeeeey...I played a game! And beat it. After a long hiatus of reading (God forbid), I finally played a game that I think I never beat. Everyone knows I'm a Megaman fan, and that I have a particular affection toward the X series. When I was younger, and I first found out about Megaman X4 for the Playstation, I was beyond excited. I was under the impression that Capcom was only going to release the Megaman franchise to Nintendo, and since I never saw anything for the N64 outside of Megaman Legends (stupid!), I thought Capcom was finished with the series. I picked up the game, played it with my brother, and immediately nutted myself because I could play as Zero. ZERO! He's got a SWORD! And LONG HAIR! He's RAD! My brother played as X, and we both found out what the game was like on either side of the story. But the thing I remember most about this game was that my brother beat the game and I didn't. In fact, I remember this game being hard as BALLS! So what did I find out from playing this over a decade later?

This game is hard as balls! Well, really X's story isn't too hard. His side of things is actually pretty vanilla--a little boring, to be honest. You don't really need to use any of the powers that often, unless it's for a boss fight, and the powers are pretty lame. His story is so generic, too. But Zero, on the other hand. Oh. My. God. Zero's playthrough is friggin' tough. The first problem you see with Zero is that he only has a sword. No charged shot or long distance blast, just a short sword. That means that you have to get within a couple of paces of the enemy to just initiate a fight. Contrast that with X, who has a charged shot and who is exclusively long distance, you can keep enemies at arm's length. With Zero, you have to hug them. Then, Zero's powers are a little strange. You still get powers after you beat a boss, as with X, but with Zero, you get "moves". So, what I mean is that, say you beat Slash Beast. What you get from him is a move that allows you to slash while dashing. As a move, you don't need to select them as weapons or get weapon refills for weapon energy; you just do the move. Do it as often as you like, whenever you want. That's a cool idea, but in a Megaman game, it has a lot of limitations. Because of this, Zero's playthrough is like playing the game on Hard mode.

It's hard to say if this game succeeded as a sequel or not. I didn't like the music. Hated it, actually. The only track I enjoyed was Frost Walrus. And that's probably because it reminded me of Super Mario 64. The presentation was real hit-or-miss. The graphics look great, and as far as a graphical style, I think this is the logical next step to the X series. But then they added anime cutscenes. And I'm really fine with that idea. Chrono Trigger for the PS really did it right. But this game does it wrong. Very wrong. The animation is lackluster to begin with, and on top of that, they spent probably $20 total on the voice acting. It's atrocious. It's the worst voice acting I've ever seen or heard. Now, if you're wondering whether or not the v-sync on that video is off, it isn't. The voice acting is just that bad.

So. What to say, what to say. I liked the game, but probably only because I'm a Megaman fan. If I played this game as an outsider, I'd probably have to make fun of this game for the rest of my life.

Rating: 3 Zero cries out of 5.

Nano-rant: "No this isn't happening! There's no reason for me to go on! What...what am I fighting FORRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGHHHGGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!

GG - Sonic Labyrinth

Haiku-Review:

through a maze of doors
in a pseudo-3D world
sans rings or control

Additional Comments:

What appears to be the primitive predecessor to Sonic 3D Blast, it's really anything but. As a fan of the Sonic franchise, it's always a disappointment to run across a game that nearly strips away everything I know and love. Of course, one could state similar criticisms over the Mario franchise, but for me, a lot of the non-platforming games just somehow work. But with Sonic, if he's not running and jumping, it just feels like a lackluster title that probably should have been swept under the rug during production. Of course there are exceptions, like Sonic Spinball, but again, there's something about it that works - perhaps the fact that it contains all the elements of a pure Sonic platformer cross-pollinated perfectly with a pinball game. But then again, the pinball idea has always been cleverly inserted into nearly every Sonic title, so it's only natural that such a premise would work.

And so, that brings me to Sonic Labyrinth. What we have here seems to be some sort of Sonic meets Marble Madness type of scenario. Basically, you've got Sonic rolling around a pseudo-3D environment trying to avoid baddies and getting knocked around by a series of bumpers or other such obstacles. Unfortunately, all the platforming elements found in a true Sonic game, which they eventually tried to incorporate into Sonic 3D Blast, are completely absent. The sheer fact that you can't jump should be enough to make one forgo the title in favor of something else, such as Sonic Spinball or Marble Madness itself, depending on what aesthetic of the game you're wanting to stick with. But once you get going, you find that there's really no need for jumping, so it can be easily overlooked. Sonic's lethargic gait however is something I cannot overlook, even if it is part of the plot. Yea, the plot revolves around Dr. Robotnik swapping Sonic's shoes of super speed with those featuring more snail-like qualities, but seriously, a Sonic game without speed is both pointless and downright stupid. The saving grace, I suppose, is that Sonic still has his spin dash. But with the awkward control and stiff, stop-on-a-dime physics, it too is aggravating.

Despite its lack of platforming, baddie stomping and ring collecting, it's not that horrible of a game. However, Sonic's physics and the general lack of decent control really drags the game down. As a handheld game, I can see it working - it's short, to the point and carries enough of its own quirky little charm to make it an enjoyable game while stuck in the backseat of a 8-hour-plus car ride. But beyond that, I see little to no worth, and it's always sad to say that about any Sonic game. But there it is.

A couple other things I thought I'd mention is the strange fluctuation regarding difficulty and the seemingly aimless soundtrack. Although the game never dared to tread truly turbulent waters, the difficulty was highly inconsistent. The zones would see-saw their way through a couple of tough mazes and then suddenly throw in a straightforward stage nearly devoid of enemies. As a maze game, yea, the difficulty was completely reliant on finding your way, but there were some stages, especially in the Labyrinth of the Factory where it just felt like they weren't even trying, albeit they tacked on a nice bullshit scenario in zone 3-3. As far as music, I guess I'll just come out and say it - it sucks. At least it's not obnoxious, but man, there is nothing in there worth making mention of, but I suppose I'll post something anyways. Hmm, perhaps the Bonus Stage theme...

Nano-Rant:

Oh my god, bosses that do not contain a "getting hit" sound effect are so fucking annoying!! I also hate that you just spin straight through them instead of being knocked back upon contact. What the hell kind of robotic spirits are these!?!?

Rating: 1.5 disappearing Star Platforms out of 5

SNES - Drakkhen

Haiku-Review:

to what end I seek -
Hordkhen, Nakkhtkha, Hazhulkhen
and with Tears, I win?

Additional Comments:
(Spoilers: it's a lengthy read)

Drakkhen is by far the strangest game I've ever come across. I first encountered it a couple of years ago. A friend of mine attempted it out of curiosity but quickly grew frustrated with the controls and found himself trapped in a vicious cycle regarding the island's center barrier. About a week later, I decided to experiment with the game myself, and after spending a good bit of time trying to get a handle on the game's abstract control, I finally made some decent headway - although that goddamn barrier in the island's center still stumped the hell out of me. After some fumbling around, I apparently accomplished something of worth as the adjoining regions were finally unlocked and I was free to roam the entirety of the rectangular continent. However, I still found myself incredibly confused and embittered over the HUD (which the in-game tutorial did not help with, honestly), how to use magic, what the various staves and rings did, what the hell anyone was saying when I would seek advice, or why large, truncated Doberman heads kept eviscerating me with their endless death lasers every time I accidentally bumped into a tombstone because of the lurid OW control!! Seriously, what the hell, man!?

Anyways, for reasons unknown, I put the game down and soon forgot about it. Well, with Beat All Games, I decided to give it a go once again. Immediately, I began to recognize why I might have stopped playing this to begin with. Already my back was against the wall as I tried my damnedest to figure everything out all over again - and I still don't know what some of that stuff on the HUD represents. I really hope this game came with a novel-sized instruction manual, because there's a lot of explaining to be had, and seriously, without one, you're casting fate to the wind. And that's my biggest problem with this game: this feeling of blindly stumbling around in the dark. Every other RPG I've ever played, I can easily pick up and understand what's going on quickly and to a pretty fair degree of gaming necessity. Yea, there may be something here or there that I don't fully comprehend, but not like this. Two of my biggest gripes directly related to this include the overworld and those who offer advice. Due to it's incredibly simplistic nature, it is damn near impossible to keep your bearings on the overworld. Yea, eventually you come to recognize particular segments of road, and the sun appears to rise in the east and set in the west - at least I think it does, but come on, couldn't they have put the compass on the main screen? And as far as seeking advice - what the fuck are these people talking about? It's all just a bunch of austere and incongruous Confucianism bullshit - er, I mean Drakkhenism bullshit. It's great to have characters recite historical backdrop to enliven the plot and create some interesting depth, but here its just needless garbage that neither helps me on my quest nor piques my interest in further learning the political strife that has plagued the world of Drakkhen. Ok, there was that tidbit about morning dew that was helpful, but that's about it. And whatever the heck Whickhen was talking about in the Fire Area's Anak (or was it the Ice Area?) - come again? If there's any game where advice could actually be useful, it's this game - and they totally missed the ball.

Now, I suppose I should take everything with a grain of salt. After all, the game was originally designed for the Amiga and Atari ST, being ported to the SNES some two years later. And from what I understand, a number of revisions ensued, supposedly resulting in enhanced gameplay. Well, I'd hate to play the original if that's the case, but I digress. Whatever the case, despite being passed through various programming teams, it seems that the idea of having an RPG that plays nothing at all like an RPG was never an issue. It's almost as if Drakkhen is some sort of strange Leary-esque interpretation, the number one culprit being the battle system. And I thought Final Fantasy's turn-based system annoyed me when I was first introduced to it, or that Morrowind's battle system was a piece of crap. Wow, neither of those games can hold a finger to Drakkhen's innovative system, or lack thereof. All you do is nothing. That's right, nothing - literally nothing. You might as well just put the controller down and watch the excitement unfold - or better yet, do something else like write a pissy little rant about how much the battle system sucks. Heck, there were a couple battles where I probably could have left and made a sandwich. Ok, so you can use potions or magic or even move your selected character around the battlefield, but for the most part, there's no need to do any of that. Besides, once you reach level 5, outside of the Fire Area, it's pretty much impossible to lose a fight (if you have the proper tools to do the job).

As far as other RPG aspects, I'm still uncertain how experience works. I know I'm getting experience - I can see how much experience I have, but how the heck is it divided up. I can't even tell who's making blows during battle and who's not. There's so much sprite flickering happening, that I don't know what's going on. And speaking of sprites, what are up with some of these creatures - most notably that amorphous red humanoid that likes to dance around. What is that? With the already odd mix of a fragmented, vector-based polygon overworld and Super VGA-inspired dungeons, these Dadaist representations of otherworldly beasts should only be expected. And here I thought 7th Saga had some strange creatures.

Good grief! It seems this game has made me aware of how much easier it is to throw blows than offer praise, but I've got more. I suppose my final punch covers the length and overall difficulty of the game. When I first played this game, a couple years back, I genuinely believed I was making some serious inroads on the game. After visiting various castles and battling some seriously tough opponents, I figured I had to be near the end. Nope. I hadn't even started the Tear collecting. This time around, with the effort I had to put in to rescue Princess Hordkha before I could even start amassing the Tears, I figured each Tear would require approximately the same amount of work. Next thing I know, I have three Tears, and then six, and all at the drop of a hat. Admittedly, I had to swap out some stave usage to survive the necessary battles to acquire these Tears, but then I come to Hazhulkhen and kill him in mere seconds with shitty armor and weaponry. Talk about a letdown. But what's this, the game's not over? What the hell do I do now? Yea, you need to battle a bunch of overworld peons as you make your way to the Center of the Island and create the Ninth Tear. This game is the sheer definition of anticlimactic.

Ok, ok, I know I've got to represent its redeeming elements as well. Despite all its pitfalls, I did enjoy playing it. I have to say first and foremost that its highly unique nature does make the game an intriguing play. I admit that as strange and convoluted as it was at times, it was that feeling of wanting to know what lies around the next bend that kept me playing - how can it get any weirder than this? And somehow it continued to up the ante. Secondly, the game was blessed with an unbelievable soundtrack. I cannot stress enough how amazing the music is in this game, from the demonic Title to the serene Water Area (Day), or from the dour reflections of Haagghka's Castle to the completely out of place but incredibly catchy Earth Area (Day) - hmm, why am I thinking Out Run here? Seriously, go and check out the entire soundtrack, or better yet, see if you can find a download.

But yea, all the uniqueness in the world couldn't save this game. I really wanted to like this game, and I tried, but there was nothing to hold on to. I tried overlooking its petty "battle" system or its iniquitous and archaic scripture spat out by the denizens of the world. But the further I got in the game, the further my affections for the game strayed, eventually realizing that it was nothing more than a bothersome chore lacking any gratifying sense of accomplishment, like that of peeling potatoes, except this chore came with a badass soundtrack.

Nano-rant:

So, I have no problem with ridiculous fantasy names, but did they all have to be so similar looking? It's already bad enough not having a compass on the main screen. You know how hard it is to keep track of where Naakhtkha's castle is or Haagghka's or Naakhtkhen's? Who is Hazhulkha again? Am I supposed to kill Haggekhen? Goddamn!!

Rating: 2 Jackson Warriors out of 5

TG16 - The Legendary Axe

Haiku-Review:

so, Legendary?
are we better than Golden?
the "axe" wars begin

Additional Comments:

While drowning in a murky pool of unfinished Beat All Games video game playthroughs - mostly due to crazy game lengths, absurd collectable statuses, or just having to tackle subsequent difficulty levels, I decided to try my hand at something completely fresh - something I've never seen before. What better system to find such a game than the TurboGrafx-16, I thought. And so we have Legendary Axe. Upon first glance, as I made my way through Zone 1, it made me think of Castlevania or perhaps even Super Ghouls n' Ghosts, yet really, neither comparison truly holds any water. Let's just say it's your typical slay-some-demons-with-your-axe-and-save-the-scantily-clad-girl-at-the-end. Fair enough.

It's not that bad of a game, really, but it's definitely not great either. It's just one of those mediocre titles that you play, sort of enjoy at the time and quickly forget about thereafter since there's no positives or negatives that can leave a lasting impression. Other than it's quirky power system, it's hellish maze that is the Pits of Madness and the initial encounter with a quintet of Aqua Lungs, the game is pretty rudimentary. I will say though that the game is pretty solid in its design, in that (and this includes the aforementioned level and boss) the game doesn't stray into any scenarios modeled after cheap difficulty or needless aggravation, like pixel-perfect platforming with knockback, that often accompanies platformers of this style. And for that, despite my rather tepid reception, I actually enjoyed playing through the game.

Even my gripes regarding the Pits of Madness are fairly unnecessary, although a maze of 20 sublevels is a bit over the top. Honestly, outside of Room L, the Pits of Madness is pretty easy going as long as you take it slow. Which really, that seems to be the underlying theme of the game: patience. Seriously, if you rush this game, you're going to die, but if you take it slow, you can probably manage the whole game without taking a single hit. Now I'm sure that's true for any game, but I don't think it's as apparent as it is here. Everything has such a clearly defined pattern that the game basically becomes a test of memory with each individual sprite movement, sort of reminding me of 8 Eyes in that respect, but far less annoying. And while on the theme of patience, oh man, you have got to have some serious patience when you face the Aqua Lung boss. I think I squatted in the corner of the screen waiting for the perfect chance to strike longer than I spent trying to figure out the solution to the Pits of Madness.

Being a TurboGrafx game, it's always interesting to see something that isn't produced by the usual suspects. Although, I think because of my limited knowledge when it comes to NEC games, I'm blindly promoting them to pedestal status - especially after my run-in with Magical Chase, despite my opinions regarding Bonk's Adventure. Ah well, unfortunately this game didn't quite live up to the unrealistic standards I seem to be imposing on these game. But at the same time, it hasn't exactly tarnished NEC's reputation that I have somehow fabricated out of nothingness either. So...huzzah!

Before I close, I should mention the music. Surprisingly, despite the game's mediocrity, I rather enjoyed the music, especially Zone 1 and Zone 5A, aka the Pits of Madness. If anything, I think the music was the real highlight of the game.

Nano-Rant:

I have to renege on my previous statement regarding a no-hit scenario, because seriously, is it even possible to destroy the two Boulders without taking multiple hits? There is absolutely no way to dodge those things, at least none that I can find. What kind of boss is that anyways? I see rolling boulders, I expect them to act similarly to those found in Disney's Aladdin; not as a boss who's one attack is to fill the entire passageway and roll back and forth as if they're fitted with some sort of homing mechanism. Ugh.

Rating: 2.5 bear-shaped Demon Giants out of 5

NES - Jaws

Haiku-Review:

jellyfish, stingrays-
your bellies full of conch shells
the funds for Jaws' death?

Additional Comments:

Yet another old NES game I often played, or attempted to play, as a kid. I remember my cousins had this game, and every now and then we would pop this game in (it seemed when we became bored with Rad Racer or Excitebike, this was one of our go to games - not really sure why). Anyways, I remember never getting anywhere in this game. Every time Jaws would pop up, it'd lead to a fairly quick Game Over. Fast forward to today - I beat the game in probably 20 minutes. What the hell?

What's funny is that during the course of this blog, Sven and I have had several conversations about how our gaming skills must have just sucked when we were kids. Either that, or our practical thinking skills were nil to none when it came to problem solving gaming scenarios way back when. Whatever the case, I find it a bit embarrassing when I come across a game where I barely ever made any headway - seriously, as a kid I'd probably knock off about four life bars tops off of that blasted shark, and now, in one take, he's dead.

Ok, but it's not just that. This time through, everything just made so much sense - and I'm not just talking about the simple shoot and dodge maneuvers. I don't think I was ever aware that you could return to your home port to receive power upgrades, or that there was a sub which offered up extra hit protection. No wonder I struggled with this game so much. I feel the better part of a fool to have never realized these things, especially when the world map is as depressingly small as it is.

But what's even more ridiculous is that for what little ground I ever achieved in my original playthroughs, I was only ever one creature away from beating the game. I just can't get over how short this game is. It's a slap in the face honestly, but then again, we're talking about an LJN product, so I suppose it should only be expected. And the final boss, is this a joke? Unlimited time combined with the fact that Jaws can't even hurt you - how the hell is this even a boss? Oh, because you have to perform a pixel-perfect boat attack in order to kill him. Hey, LJN: that's not difficulty - that's bad game design!

There's nothing redeeming in this game - literally nothing. From the pointless back-and-forth on a very limited overworld to the droll shoot em' up sequences in the main action areas to the Air-Sea Battle style bomb-the-jellyfish bonus scenes to the facepalm boss battle, this game sucks balls. It's not the worst game I've ever played, but it's probably the most unnecessary game I've ever played.

Whatever, here's some music: the Ending Theme.

Nano-Rant:

Oh! So, you remember that scene in Jaws where Brody, Hooper and Quint dropped a plethora of bombs on a fluther of jellyfish from an airplane? Or that incredibly dramatic climax where they killed the shark by stabbing it with the bowsprit? Because I sure don't. Maybe they're in the DVD extras - who knows?

Rating: 1 jellyfish ballet out of 5

Flash - Super Press Space to Win Adventure RPG 2009

Haiku-Review:

who are these stick men
braving a perilous quest?
press spacebar to learn

Additional Comments:

Ok, I was just introduced to this "game" today, well yesterday actually, by Sven in a rather roundabout way. He sent me a video, this video in fact, showcasing a sarcastic mockery of a horrid grammatical nightmare of a review for a game which arguably isn't even a game to begin with. After watching the video and then some quick digging around, I found the game in reference: Super Press Space to Win Adventure RPG 2009. Holy crap, with a name like that, how can this game not be awesome!? Admittedly, the video was pretty funny, but my god, the game is on a whole other level, so much so that I think I'm going to have to whip up a little chatspeak and declare some ultimate pwnage here.

Honestly, this game is amazing, but let's see if I can explain why it's amazing, because let's not kid ourselves, this game is an utter piece of crap. Face value, it's all a bunch of MS Paint, pixelated stick figures running through the basest of animations, if you could even call them that, on a single, non-scrolling screen with 2600-styled backgrounds; paired up with a pointless story, worthless game control and a what-the-fuck mentality from start to finish. But let's not throw stones so fast. Sure, I just trash-talked the entirety of the game, but there's something telling about the total package at hand. What we're faced with is an adventure-based RPG game, including all the little trinkets that typically inhabit such a game, such as: hero experience, a shop system, a rest system, attribute upgrades, weapon upgrades, a magic system and so on. But the kicker is that the programmer has turned one of the most advanced gaming genres into the simplest, most idiot-proof gaming experiences possible. I don't think I can even begin to wrap my head around a game being any simpler than this. The title says it all: press space to win. That's all you have to do. Press space to fight, press space to defend, press space to jump, press space to rest, press space to drink a potion, press space to perform a combo breaker, press space to win. It's fucking genius!!!

All joking aside, this game is a direct throwback to TWERPS. Whether intended or not, who knows (and I'm going to assume the latter), but the entire two minutes it took me to get through this, I could think of nothing save the uncanny similarities between the two. They are both the extreme pinnacle of gaming minimalism done to absolute perfection. Now, I've only ever played TWERPS once, over ten years ago, and come to think of it, I'm not even sure if I played it or just sat around poking fun at how ridiculously inane it was. Regardless, it was locked into my subconscious as the most asinine gaming experience of my life, but then this nonsense comes along and nearly topples the regime. Sadly, it hasn't, but Super Press Space to Win has certainly made my day.

Nano-Win:
Are you serious? Even the music is win!

Rating: 4.5 spacebars out of 5

Arcade - Sunset Riders

Haiku-Review:

saloon girls, guns, gold
face stampedes, redskins and Rose
so...Contra goes west?

Additional Comments:

I came across this game a few months ago. Knowing nothing about it, I looked it up on the net and it sounded interesting - an old west shoot 'em up - so I figured I'd give it a chance. Upon seeing the Konami logo, and based on the few screenshots I had seen, I had some good feelings about this game. And surprisingly, just one level in, I wasn't let down. It immediately made me think of Contra, albeit not as strong out of the box, but still warming up to that very distinct Konami-style shoot 'em up platformer. The levels impressed me right from the start and only got better as the game continued, each containing a myriad of creative traps and gimmicks relative to the setting. Not only that, but the graphics are just stunning. After all, it's rare to find a game that actually pulls a western theme off with finesse, and I think this game did just that. Oh yea, and check out some classic arcade-style, orchestra-hit filled goodness that can really get some gun-totin', hootin' n' hollerin' excitement happening with the theme from Simon Greedwell's Stage.

However, I do have some gripes. First and foremost, I wish I could have played the game multiplayer. Just like Contra, I could tell that the fun factor would jump exponentially with two or more players tackling each stage. You just sort of feel a tad lonely having to plow all these gunslinging, roughhouse clones down on your own. But I guess that will have to wait for another day. And so it goes....

But unfortunately, I have some other mud to sling: the controls. Now maybe it's just my particular set up I'm using - a Logitech Rumblepad 2 G-UF13 controller (what, did you think I was actually tracking down full-size cabinet versions of these games? Ha! Although, I won't lie, I certainly wish I had access to an old coin-op of Sunset Riders), but the jump control just felt sluggish, which really began to hamper my progress during the later boss battles where easy bullet dodging proved embarrassingly difficult. The progression from ducking to jumping felt to crawl at a snails pace so much so that I had to find alternate evasion strategies, especially during the Paco Loco battle. But what's odd is that everything else control-wise was spot on. Movement and shooting had no issues, even without the auto-gun, which by the way was a very cool feature. Typically in arcade games, especially any sort of shooting game, button mashing just to fire a weapon is, for lack of a better phrase, fucking stupid, but here, it worked. The fact that you had to earn a gun or set of guns with auto-fire capability was very cool.

I do, however, have to complain about the lack of bullet spread. Overall, the rate-of-fire from the enemies seemed depressing compared to that of Contra's enemy force. Again, maybe it's on my end - perhaps I should have looked into some dip switch flips regarding difficulty, but other than the late level bosses and Chief Scalpem's stage, the game came across as too easy. Seriously, outside of the boss fights, I was lucky to see maybe 10 bullets in a given stage with the addition of some dynamite here and there. For the most part, my in-stage deaths were mostly attributed to foolishly walking off a cliff or falling victim to a trap that I didn't see until it was too late. Although, like I said, Chief Scalpem's stage proved its worth and then some, harassing me with an endless volley of flaming arrows.

Other than that, and honestly, as sluggish as the jumping felt at times, the game is tits - the stiff control is just me being nit-picky more than anything. Now granted, it's not as amazing as the Contra series, which is definitely the most comparable game, it's great nonetheless. Really, and this seems to befoul Konami every now and again, it's just a shame the game is so short because I wanted to keep playing when it looped back around after the staff-roll. I guess I'll have to try and track down either the Genesis or SNES port and see how they stack up - or should I say so I can get some more SSR playtime in?

Nano-Rant:

I just have to know, who the fuck are these people that can endure a 100 rounds, yet it only takes one bullet to kill me? Ah, video games, how I love thee....

Rating: 4 saloon girls out of 5

XB360 - Enslaved: Odyssey to the West

Haiku Review: 

Ancient Chinese tale
of robots and a hot chick,
Gollum as good guy

Additional Comments:

So I guess it's high time I posted a new review, seeing as how Sir Iain has beaten about ten games by now. It's been a slow gaming season for me, personally, since I've been working on the finishing touches of all the minor details of releasing my first book (shameless plug), Christmas happened, and then on top of all that, there have been few games that have interested me more than reading the Harry Potter series (yeah, seriously). But a friend and I have been talking about playing this game for a while, and since he had it but couldn't play it right away, he let me borrow it.

I love this game. Straight up, I love it. This game was kind of a sleeper release, since it came out roughly the same time that all the blockbuster games came out this year, and it even got a few mediocre reviews--which we'll get to in a minute. As the haiku said, this is a retelling of the Chinese tale, "Journey to the West" about a monkey with a staff and a cloud. You don't really need to know that when playing the game, but knowing it adds a couple of "Aha" moments to the narrative. Like, why the protagonist is named "monkey"--that's actually his name, apparently--or why you fight against "dogs" or team up with a friend named "Pig". Kind of silly sometimes, but it never took away from the immersion. But what I think is the coolest part of this story is that it's a retelling in a post-apocalyptic world. And even that has been done before, but what's even better than that is that it's post-post-apocalyptic. So nothing is bleak with lots of browns and grays. It's been decades or centuries since the apocalypse, and everything has grown over with green. So the environments are absolutely stunning. This is kind of a button-masher, but I don't really mind that. I need button mashers sometimes, as I grow tired of having to plan out every strike for every weakness for every enemy. That gets more tedious than B-B-B-B-B-X-B-B-B-B-A. If you've played and liked Uncharted 2, then you are going to like this game. There is a climb mechanic in the game, and though it wasn't always perfect, it was very fun and it is a lot better than playing Assassins Creed (you can't have Assassin's Creed without a$$ a$$). The voiceover work and acting is impeccable! It's probably some of the best I've seen in a game. The main character Monkey is played by Andy Serkis who does the voice of Gollum in LoTR. The other girl is someone from Nickelodeon or something, and I've never heard of her, but they both do a great job. The animation for this game, especially in the facial expressions, is really great. It's hard to make videogame characters emote, but the developers really shined here. There is hardly any--really,  no--music to this game, which is a shame, because the main menu screen has GREAT music that I really wish made more appearances.

So apparently many online game sites only gave this game a mediocre score, but I think that they were probably a little unfair. Rating a game is a completely subjective process, and it seems to me that many have compared this game to other blockbusters that were released at the same time this year, e.g., Castlevania Lords of Shadow, Borderlands GOTY, NBA 2K11, Medal of Honor, Kirby's Epic Yarn, Fallout New Vegas, Super Meat Boy, Star Wars The Force Unleashed 2, Rock Band 3, and, of course, Hello Kitty Party. With a list like that, a new game could really get lost. And overshadowed by how great some of these games are. Now, I've heard some complain that the game is too easy...but why you complain about that? I mean, you are playing a simulated reality in which you are doing impossible things that appear easy. Why complain about easiness? Besides, they have a Hard mode, for cryin' out loud! And there's an achievement for playing it on hard! And, ya know what, Hard mode is freakin' TOUGH! My biggest gripe was that hard was almost too hard. The jump in difficulty was huge. Also, the game is fairly short--not too short, so this isn't an official gripe, but I do like longer games. And for a game like this, if it were a touch longer, it would've been that much better. There are collectibles in this game, but they are pretty hard to get all of them. I wanted to try to find them all, because there's an achievement for that, but there are just way too many and they're all spread out over such a broad area with many of them in REALLY hard to find or hard to get to locations. Overall, I'm glad I played this game, because it was awesome.

Rating: 5 New York accent-speaking monkeys out of 5

Nano-win:

I dare you to play this game and tell me that Trip isn't the hottest girl in gaming.

SNES - An SMWC Production

Comments:

Ok, so I've been contemplating whether or not I should even make a post regarding this game. Should mods and hacks be privy to Beat All Games? My gut feeling says no, however, being an avid fan of romhacking to begin with and lingering around on the fringes of a few different mod/hack communities, most notably SMWC, for the past few years, well.... Besides, I never stated anything about only playing officially licensed/recognized games. I only stated that games must have a definitive end - which I have apparently broken that rule as it is already, so there you go. Still, it seems wrong to be posting a romhack, but then again, we're talking about a serious romhack here. At the same token, though I have played hundreds of romhacks over the past few years, this is the first one I've played since I started Beat All Games - the idea sort of forcing me to take a sabbatical from all of these "unofficial" games that are out there on the net. However, I've been awaiting this game for awhile, especially being a fan of the VIP series as well as ASMT - basically, the notion of SMW-built collab hacks - so I just had to take a break from my current roster of games and give this a go. Oh, and you may have noticed the peculiar absence of a Haiku-Review. Well, I decided since I'm allowing myself to invite this sort of stuff here; I'm going to represent it sans-haiku. :-P

Truthfully, I've already spilled most of my thoughts about this game over on SMWC's board, so it seems pointless to rattle through all of it again, so I'm just going to highlight a few points. Unlike ASMT or the VIP's, I really feel this hack lacked that certain something which just leaves you wanting more - that is until about halfway through the game. If it wasn't for my sheer want to continue pushing through and see what lies ahead (since I know the SMWC community is more than capable of producing some truly amazing material, well, the right people at least), I probably would have let this game go. Fortunately, my hopes were satisfied and the second half of the game easily delivered, definitely proving its worth.

Since the game is still Super Mario World in spirit, I always find myself to be a bit wishy-washy when it comes to an involved storyline. Ninety percent of the time, they don't work, easily grind the pace of the game to a halt and generally just fall flat on the ground. This is definitely the case here, the biggest issue being that the various characters seem to be completely out of character. Talk about rolling one's eyes - ugh. Overall, plot devices are left out or kept to the bare minimum in platformers for a reason and it is a rare find to find one that works.

Of course, there are so many other things I could nitpick about, but outside of the community, it's either pointless or going to resemble something like that of Greek. However, misgivings aside, it is a very well made hack and can easily make a name for itself, much like the VIP's, so kudos to that. For the casual gamer who's never experienced a romhack, it's worth a go, although it certainly wouldn't be my first recommendation by any measure. However, be warned, this hack is a world away in difficulty from the original Super Mario World, maybe more.

Nano-Rant:

I've already said so elsewhere, but let me just say again how much this game has come to make me hate Torpedo Teds - a whole hell of a lot!!

Rating: 3.5 Reggie-Shrug Bills out of 5

The 10 of '10

And with that, 2010 is done. Through the course of five months, I've beaten a whopping measly 32 games. Crap. At this rate I shall never beat all games. :(

Oh well, perhaps 2011 will prove to be a more fruitful year. I know I have a lot of games lined up that I'm really looking forward to, and I still have about 15 games I'm in the middle of. Anyways, now that the end of the year is here, I thought I'd look back at those 32 measly games and pick out my personal favorites from the bunch - those that really stuck out and screamed fun and excitement. Despite what my ratings may state, this list is based on overall fun and potential replay value - games I know I'd enjoy if I went back and played them again.

10. Hotdog Storm
-Short but sweet, this game just outright surprised me in every way possible.

9. Disney's Aladdin
-Just a straight up awesome platformer, 'nuff said.

8. Chrono Trigger
-As much as I hated Lavos/Lavos Core, this is still probably one of the best games ever made.

7. Milon's Secret Castle
-I seriously wouldn't be surprised if there's still a ton of stuff I've yet to uncover in this game.

6. Crash Bandicoot
-From the very beginning I could just feel that this game would own, and it did, bringing platforming to all new dimensions, even if they were just pseudo-dimensions.

5. Illusion of Gaia
-I've always loved action-adventure games, and with a storyline built around a strange mystical history so akin yet so different from our own, what's not to love?

4. Magical Chase
-Along with the various Touhou games, I found a newfound love for STG's thanks to this game.

3. Banjo-Kazooie
-Despite my deep-seeded hatred of the Nintendo 64, this game is brilliant and proved that even a shitty system can have amazing games.

2. The Bard's Tale
-There's far too much I could talk about regarding why this game's awesome so just go read the post.

1. New Super Mario Bros. Wii
-Five words: New Super Mario Bros. Wii - discussion over.

Arcade - The Lost Castle in Darkmist

Haiku-Review:

ever endless loop
where strategy is questioned -
is there strategy?

Additional Comments:

Well, with the closing of the year, I wanted to see if I could knock out one more game beaten. I knew any attempt to finish any of the games I'm currently in the middle of was pretty hopeless, so I figured I'd pick something quick and easy, but at the same time, something remarkably different. Hmm, I thought, arcade games are usually pretty short, but which one shall I play? After doing some quick research online regarding the few arcade games I currently have access to, Lost Castle sounded intriguing. So I decided to give it a whirl.

Holy crap, I certainly got what I was looking for, something remarkably different. This is one of the most unique games I've ever seen. The best way I can describe this game is that it's the long forgotten bastard hybridization of an old school, top-down hack n' slash and a fantasy STG, except when it comes to gameplay, it unfortunately got the short end of the stick, on both counts. And therein lies the problem. Because of its funky DNA jamming up what could potentially be a fantastic game, this game is a confusing mess that is hard as fuck. Seriously, this is one of the hardest games I've ever come across - harder then some of the modern day Danmakufu-born STG's. Off the bat, I played this game for a good 20 minutes or so before I could really even grasp what the heck was going on. And being that there is literally zero information regarding this game on the net, it made it all the harder.

Eventually I got the hang of the game, but I was still lucky to make it through one or two levels tops before loss of life - and oh yea, you only get one of those. Thankfully, being an arcade game, I could keep it well fed with a heaping pile of theoretical quarters, and damn, did I ever go through a lot of them. Even still, I was pretty confused as to the nature of the game. In one hand, you face level after level of auto-scrolling STG madness, albeit I use the term STG ever so lightly since your main weapon is a freakin' sword - that's right a melee weapon in a shooter. What!? Yea, you have a magic shot, but in my opinion, it's pretty useless except when fighting the Grim Reapers since you want to keep your distance from those guys. But then, in the other hand, you have these non-scrolling death labyrinths filled with hordes of nearly invincible creatures that easily sap over half your energy in a single hit. The yellow-gem lightning shield is your best hope for tackling these areas - too bad they only last about ten seconds. But that's not all - every now and then you'll come across a town replete with shops and a church where you can heal, but there's a catch: they auto-scroll. You have got to be kidding me!

Anyways, the next thing that struck my curiosity was regarding the game's length. After fighting my way through hordes of enemies, I was greeted with my prize - which I can only assume was the lost castle itself. However, there was no Staff-Roll to follow, just another level. But it was a whole new level. Huh? I began to suspect foul play was afoot, something akin to an endless game loop common to most early era, score-based arcade games, especially after the second lost castle, followed by a third. How many lost castles are there in Darkmist? But every new challenge I faced was visibly different: new settings and new, more powerful enemies, so this couldn't be the case. And then, a fourth lost castle emerged. Please let this be the end, I cried. Dammit!!! Another level!!! But wait, this one looks familiar. Finally, the game looped, and so my original suspicions proved fruitful. So it appears this game has no formal end. That's a shame, but I suppose it should have been expected.

The interesting thing about this game though: it could have been a truly stellar game. It definitely has potential, and you can see faint glimmers of this potential everywhere you look, but somewhere along the way the wires got crossed and fried any hopes of an amazing game from fully emerging. But, at the same time, it's not a bad game either. It's got some cool graphics, especially considering it's from '86, and some pretty catchy music. The controls are fairly descent and although there's no turbo feature, being an STG and all, it doesn't even matter. However, the in-game mechanics are a tad funky. Although, if you didn't have to rely on the sword so much, it'd probably be a different story. And the fact that the game is as unique as it is definitely makes it an interesting play.

Nano-Rant:

Besides having an STG where your main weapon is of a melee nature, the other thing that really stuck in my craw was that it began to become apparent that the best strategy was to just avoid everything. Kill nothing until you get to the boss. What a stupid tactic for a shooter.

Rating: 2.5 Flying Sabers out of 5

GEN - Golden Axe

Haiku-Review:

war on a turtle
cast magic on an eagle
bring it on, Bringer

Additional Comments:

When it comes to some serious beat 'em action and hair-pulling, wall-punching, controller-throwing difficulty, this game delivers. Now, I've played Golden Axe II for the Genesis countless times, and I've only toyed briefly with Golden Axe III, but I'm not sure if I've ever played the first one, although I have played one of the Golden Axes in the arcade, and I want to say it might have been this one - not totally sure, but whatever.

This game definitely excels in difficulty compared to the second one. Despite the agonizing torture this game just put me through, it's still everything I remember and loved about the Golden Axe series and I enjoyed playing every minute of it - erm, almost every minute of it. The battle against Death Bringer is a different story entirely. I was fighting him for a good thirty minutes or so before I began to suspect that perhaps his skeleton guards are indestructible. Well, they're not, but they're pretty damn close to it and I blame all my frustration solely on them. Ok, the battle's really not that bad once you figure out the proper tactics on how to bring down the Bringer, but until then, it's hell.

I'm not entirely sure if there's a difference in HP and attack power for each sprite between Beginner mode and Arcade mode, but it definitely seemed to be a substantial jump in difficulty, but maybe that's just me. It's not so much that Arcade mode played that much harder, but that Beginner mode seemed to be too much of a breeze. Of course there's the game length differences, but that's beside the point. Duel mode, which I often enjoyed playing through in the sequel, is still just as enjoyable here. Though it definitely keeps you on your toes since you only get 8 life bars to play with through all 12 rounds whereas in the sequel I believe your life would get replenished.

All in all, the game is hard, but fun - the classic beat 'em up with a brilliant fantasy twist that is uniquely Golden Axe. It owned in the arcades, and it still delivers on the home console. But I have to ask this one question, is it just me or are the levels really short? Well, while the jury's out on that one, let's listen to some classic Golden Axe music with Wilderness.

Nano-Rant:

Oh my god, why does it always feel like the player character and enemy sprites are suffering some sort of magnetic repulsion? I go up, they go down. I go down, they go up. What the fuck are you guys so antsy about!? Arggghhh!!!!

Rating: 3 Longmoan's out of 5

GB - The Ren & Stimpy Show: Space Cadet Adventures

Haiku-Review:

what the hell is that?
is it going to hurt me?
can I jump on it?

Additional Comments:

Having owned this as a kid, I remember playing it quite a bit - or attempting to play it at least. Good grief, this game is balls hard. It was way back when, and it still is today. Now, other than the title screen and opening cut scenes, I remember almost nothing of this game. I thought I did, but as it turns out, I don't. So what the hell game was I thinking of, I wonder - some other ludicrously hard platformer where you're jumping over indestructible alien lifeforms I guess. About ten minutes into playing the game, I began to wonder if I was even playing the right game. Well, I think I can attribute my lack of memory regarding this game to some of its key issues.

First off, ninety percent of this game is made up of stuff that my haiku rightly described. I understand we're talking about a four-toned title on the GameBoy, but come on. That is one of the biggest problems with this game. There were a couple points where I didn't know what to do because I didn't realize that that wall was not really a wall but just a part of the background design or that you could stand on door/window frames. And what about all the stuff that can hurt you?. Basically, if an object has animation, not just movement but a palette animation as well, you're going to lose health. And by god, the shit's all over the place. This game is more about precision jumping in far more circumstances than necessary.

My next issue is that the levels are too damn long. I'm all for long levels, but the designers have to do them up right - packing as much fun and entertainment out of them as they can every step of the way. Here, it's nothing but waves of infantile level design and rampant aggravation, especially since I'm constantly trying to figure out what sort of interaction an object should have on the fly. Also, this particular issue of length is what really wracks my brain regarding my personal memories of the game. All these years I always thought the spaceship held the entirety of the game with each room being its own level. There's three more fucking levels of this crap!!

I suppose I should be thankful there are no bosses in this game, as if you'd be able to hit them anyways. Yea, off all the enemies in the game, I think there's only about six different sprites that are actually killable. What a joke. Anyway, in lieu of end-level bosses, you have a timed section in which you must reach Ren, Stimpy or, in the case of the second level, a ladder. I say take the easy road - if you have full health, just let the shit hit you. Trust me, it's a lot less painful. Besides, you're health refills upon each new level.

I guess if there's any grace from this game, it's watching Ren slap Stimpy repeatedly during the end cut scene. What a stupid ending. But then, it somehow reeks of good ol' Ren & Stimpy, so I guess it's only appropriate.

Nano-Rant: (Haven't had one of these in a while):

I still can't get over the fact that I never even beat the first level as a kid. Fuck, this game is hard!!

PS, the music sucks.

Rating: 1.5 Powdered Toast slices out of 5

NES - Super Mario Bros.

Haiku-Review:

Oh! Mushroom Kingdom:
you're infested with turtles-
the plumbing's awry

Additional Comments:

(It was bound to show up sooner or later, so why not as a Christmas treat? Frankly, I'm surprised it took me this long to get around to SMB for Beat All Games.)

Having grown up on the NES, it's hard to talk about this game and not be nostalgic. Unfortunately, I no longer recall the exact specifics on how I acquired my NES, though it seems most plausible to associate it with my birthday, but I do recall hooking it up to my TV for the first time and inserting the cartridge for Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt. It truly was a glorious moment in my childhood. Albeit, I had an Atari 2600 up until this point (which I had to let go due to some BS-only-one-video-game-console-per-household rule that had been instilled on me; still infuriating me to this very day), and was quite familiar with the video gaming experience; the difference was just night and day. Watching that 8-bit plumber stomp Goombas on an 8 world quest through the Mushroom Kingdom to save the princess was something else. The experience was something that I really don't think anyone who has grown up on any of the later systems (except for maybe the N64 - as much as I hate that system, I do acknowledge the impact of the "next-generation" vision it tried to create) will properly understand or appreciate, much like how I will never fully appreciate how some of the original kingpins like Pong, Space Invaders or even Adventure may have affected those during the 70s.

But enough of that, let's talk Super Mario Bros. As a nostalgic piece, the game is tops and is one of those games that every gamer should try at least once in their lives. Even 25 years later, the game is still pretty phenomenal. However, as with any gaming franchise that has been spitting out title after title, the original is bound to fade into a pool of mediocrity compared to it's long line of successors at some point. And unfortunately, this is also one of those franchises where each successive title took monstrous strides, leaving it's predecessor in the dust. But that's not to say it's a bad game - it's anything but. It's just, if you want to play a genuine NES timepiece, play Super Mario Bros. - you're going to love it. But if you want to try your hand at a quality game from the Super Mario universe? Well, let's just say there's countless titles I would steer one towards before I'd suggest SMB.

Regardless, it's still an amazing game. But I have to admit, I haven't really sat down with this game in a long, long time. I've made a few minor attempts on the SMAS version over the past few years, but more out of boredom than anything. So, honestly, it's been at least a good 12 years since I really attempted a serious playthrough of the game. I've beaten the game numerous times in the past, attempted RTS's years before I would ever come to know the term, and glitched the hell out of it with a Game Genie more times than I can possibly recall. Basically, I learned every little secret I could. Amazingly, even after a decade's absence, it's still amazing what I can remember in this game. However, and I'm sad to admit, I completely forgot that there's a second quest. I don't think I can even express how shocked I am that I had forgotten all about it. Maybe it's because the second quest is exactly the same as the first, except for added/changed sprites. But what's funny, once I started through the second quest it suddenly hit me - I do remember this! Anyhow, I'm not entirely sure if I ever completed the second quest, and if not, well it's beaten now.

Despite it's purely 8-bit characteristics, I still love the design of the game, from the graphics to the music, but again, that may just be the nostalgia digging it's nails into me. However, stepping up from a 2600, it was amazing to see a game that had graphics that actually looked like stuff - and not just stuff, but lot's of stuff. And there was music, and it was catchy as hell. (I'd showcase some songs, but seriously, if you don't know any, or all for that matter, of the SMB tunes by heart, then you're on the wrong site.) And to top it all off, there was some serious freedom of movement compared to my early days of gaming. There were all sorts of impressive little movements you could make Mario perform.

Which brings me to my final thoughts: Mario's physics. Ah, the ability to play SMB as a virgin player is undoubtedly lost in time, and very nearly impossible for anyone nowadays. Having been one, I can recall how fluid the gameplay was. There was nothing to complain about, because as far as I was concerned, it was the best gameplay experience out there. But eventually, I too would lose the fantasy of this so-called "terrific gameplay" à la Mario's physics once SMB3, and later SMW, emerged on the scene. With Mario's physics now so much more controllable, the SMB plumber was nothing more than an unrestrained ice cube sliding off platforms or into enemies without a care in the world. Unfortunately, it seems Nintendo had reverted to this style of physics for its NSMB titles. Yea, t's not the end of the world, but I think Mario was at his best, physics-wise, during his SMB3/SMW era. So, although I could potentially rant about the physics, it would be heresy since I was lucky enough to experience the game fresh and enjoy the physics for what they were in their heyday - amazing!

Rating: 4 Minus Worlds out of 5

NES - Micro Machines

Haiku-Review:

tiny cars race hard
win the race: bonus! but then -
lose the race: bogus!

Additional Comments:

Another all-time favorite from the NES era, Micro Machines has got to be, hands down, the best racing game for the NES. I remember renting this nearly every weekend while living in the middle of nowhere one summer. Having nothing else to do, renting NES games and watching MTV were pretty much my only options and I could only withstand so much Tom Cochrane, so I spent a lot of time experimenting and exploring the interestingly themed tracks in this game.

A top-down racer, Micro Machines pitted tiny cars in some mundane, yet rather innovative environments: jeeps on a breakfast table, boats in a bathtub, helicopters in a patio garden, open-wheel racers on a pool table and so on - simply awesome! Each vehicle type has its own unique handling characteristics, which in some cases, such as the tanks, is extremely stiff or in others, such as the sports cars, is so damn loose that you're fighting just to stay on track. There's still a section in Crayon Canyons that I can't figure out how to perfect where a binder/ruler combination precedes a sharp corner at the desktop's edge and then you need to quickly line the car up for a single-wide ruler bridge. Not only did I desperately fight my way through this section, but I noticed the AI is apt to plummet to their doom as well.

Besides the aforementioned Crayon Canyons, the tracks do start getting extremely technical as the game progresses and it becomes more of a situation of ferociously battling the course layout as opposed to your rivals. Fortunately, each character has their own unique driving style and it becomes quickly apparent who's good and who's not. And combining that with that fact that every third race, the lowest ranked driver is given the boot, it's easy to predetermine your rival line-up so that you end up racing all of the slow-movin' dimwits on the harder tracks near the end of the game.

All in all, for being an unlicensed game, Codemasters created a fantastic racing game in an era where racing games were pretty much bleh. Although F-Zero, which in my mind revolutionized the racing genre, was released the same year, it was still a few months down the road. Of course, there were arcade classics like Out Run (ok, technically it's not a racing game) and Super Hang-On ported to the Genesis, but it was still a good while before I could get my hands on either of those. And besides, none of those games are top-down racers. So then, what games do we have to compare? RC Pro-Am? Super Sprint? Ivan "Iron Man" Stewart's Super Off Road? Yea, they're descent games (actually, I like Super Off Road), but they're nothing compared to Micro Machines. The creativity in the tracks alone here can put those games to shame.

Oh! How can I forget to talk about the music? Well, maybe because there's little to no music in the game. That's right, the whirs of tiny engines is all you hear (which turns out to be rather amusing for the helicopter races), but the game does have a gem of a song: the Menu Theme. Huzzah!

One final thought I figure I'd throw out there: although I haven't played the 2 player mode since I first played this game way back when, I do remember it being a lot of fun. But then, I was also a kid back then, so who knows.

Rating: 4.5 Topples' boxes out of 5

GEN - Disney's Aladdin

Haiku-Review:

what makes me wonder
about the Cave of Wonders:
why the panther head?

Additional Comments:

Another fabulous Disney platformer by Virgin Interactive; I remember playing this game countless times growing up. I always thought of it as one of those games that's not overly difficult, is really fun to play and just held its own when it came to replay value. Every level, based on various scenes from the movie, is beautifully drawn and incorporates interesting design - especially Sultan's Dungeon or Inside the Lamp. Even the music is great, and whether or not you liked the movie soundtrack, hearing everything driven through Sega's gritty sound engine presents a fresh take on some of the better known tunes. However, some of my personal favorites are Turban Jazz or Arab Rock.

What appears to be a trend among games developed by Virgin, the difficulty curve between each mode seems rather negligible. Yea, there are some added sprites here and there, but overall, much like Lion King, the curve seemed to be pretty shallow across the board. Also, something I should point out: much like Lion King, I decided to play the Genesis version, for again the same reasons as previously stated in that game's review. However, although I have dabbled with the SNES version, I never realized that it's a completely different game. Not only that, but the SNES version was developed by Capcom, and appears to be the last of the the Capcom/Disney games. Hmm, I always thought the SNES version just happened to be a weak port of Sega's (shows what happens when you play the game haphazardly, not even realizing the absence of the scimitar), but this puts a whole new perspective on everything. Well, now I'll have to give the SNES version an actual go.

Rating: 4 magic carpets out of 5

PS2 - The Bard's Tale

Haiku-Review:

drunks and trow sing songs-
skull, tree, moon, sun, chicken, lute:
portal puzzle beat

Additional Comments:

Straight up - I love this game! This is probably my favorite hack n'slash game out there. Now, I've never played any of the original C64/PC titles, but sometime in the late 90s I bought the NES port and played the heck out of it. It was one of the more innovative takes on a typical dungeon crawl/RPG that I had seen allowing for a wide variety of party setups with a large cast of characters. Needless to say, when I saw that there was a new Bard's Tale available for the PS2 sometime in 2004, I just had to have it.

Right from the get go, I enjoyed this game. From its unique summoning system to its deeply rooted Scots' environments to its wonderful voice-over cast (it's got Cary Elwes as the Bard - what else is there to say?), everything is just amazing in this game. The music alone is fantastic, presented as appropriately styled period pieces, such as The Nuckelavee. There's literally nothing for me to complain about regarding this game. Even the fact that you have to double-back through the first two towers after defeating the guardians has never bothered me since the concept has been worked into the storyline. Normally, I'd be annoyed with such a setup, but not here.

Another thing I love about this game is the constant battle of the cynics between the Bard and the Narrator: the Bard completely jaded on the whole notion of adventuring and princess-rescuing and the Narrator, well he's just generally annoyed with the Bard and all of his needless tomfoolery. Not only does their quibbling bring laughs, but it continually moves the story forward in a rather unorthodox fashion regarding the player or Bard's sudden newfound omniscience, or what would typically be the lack thereof in any other game. Either way, the Narrator's remarks, whether it be about the Bard or some random acquired token, are just priceless.

Ok, I do have one teeny-weeny, little issue with this game, but it's almost not even worth mentioning because it doesn't even effect the gameplay at all, but I must. Why the hell does it take so many donations to collect all the extras? Seven-hundred!? Are you kidding me!? And other than the artwork, they're not even worth it - trust me. I foolishly sat around for an hour or so making all seven-hundred donations so I could achieve the 100% completion benchmark I set myself. First off, you need ~70k silver (depending on your Charisma) to even manage all the required donations, and that's not an entirely easy feat in and of itself. The whole thing reminds me of the 200 consecutive jumps you need to achieve in the Thunder Plains in Final Fantasy X for Lulu's ultimate weapon (or whoever's weapon you get). It's as if the whole thing is just some sort of sick joke on the developer's part to see if they can con any idiots into trying it. Well, they got me. (jerks....)

Rating: 5 Bodbs out of 5

NES - The Legend of Zelda

Haiku-Review:

one hero, two quests
a triangle and princess
romp through nostalgia

Addition Comments:

Well, I suppose I should start by stating the following: unlike most gamers who grew up on the NES, I never played LoZ as a kid. I had some friends that had the game and yea, it seemed mildly interesting when they showed it to me, but not enough to really grab my attention. After all, as stated before, I was an avid fan of platformers. Anyway, the years passed and eventually, after the 8-bit and 16-bit systems fell out of style due to the N64 and PS1 taking the reins, I rekindled my affinity for the old systems and started seeking out a lot of those old games that I missed out on. Legend of Zelda was one of the first I sought out, as I was well aware of the prestigious ranking the game held among retro gamers and sort of felt guilty that I never gave the game a fair chance as a kid. From the opening theme to the final showdown with Ganon, I was enthralled - I really did miss out on a classic as a kid.

Here it was, the late 90s, and I finally realized why gamers went nuts over this franchise. Eventually, I bought the Zelda Collection for GameCube and played through the entire game again, for the second time, and I think it was at this time that I actually gave the master quest a fair shot as well. I don't remember much, although I know I never completed it and am fairly certain I quit in frustration sometime after the third labyrinth.

Fast forward to the present - with my latest completion, I believe I've knocked out the first quest four times now, but finally, after all these years, I have driven the final nail into the coffin that is the master quest. Holy Shit! The master quest is one of the most unforgiving, convoluted mindfucks I've ever come across. With the introduction of invisible passageways and 1-way secret passages, the frustration level just skyrockets once these annoyances start teaming up with 1-way shutters. I can't even recall the amount of times I had to keep redoing the entirety of Labyrinth 7 due to a wrong turn involving a 1-way shutter or bad usage of the labyrinth's included 1-way secret passageway. Oh, and tracking down Labyrinth 6 was a nightmare on its own. I think I bombed every rock I could and burned down every tree I came across. Sheesh....

Nevertheless, LoZ is a great game. However, and it is really hard to criticize the game, I really don't think it's the best NES game out there as so many claim. I'll admit, for its time, the game was revolutionary and it completely redefined the action-adventure genre, but when it comes to the fun and replayability factor, this game just doesn't rank as well as other NES games for me. Frankly, it plays slow and being a puzzle game, the replay value is fairly diminished every time I give it a whirl. But that's not to say it's a bad game - far from it. After all, as my top 25 states, it's in my top 15.

As far as the franchise itself, it's hard to rank - maybe 5th favorite out of the titles I've played (I've played 9 different Zelda games to date for those that are curious). Again, it was amazing in its day, I'm sure, but after the material presented in both LttP and OoT laid the groundwork for the future of the franchise, completely reshaping the mechanics and nature of the game, LoZ just doesn't have a fighting chance. I don't understand these people who still think LoZ is the best one of them all. Personally, I think they looking at the game through nostalgia goggles, but to each their own.

But enough of that - criticism aside, amazing game with equally amazing music, although I will admit, about a third of the way through the master quest, I was getting pretty damn sick of listening to the same OW and Labyrinth music forever and anon. So, to continue my aurally induced illness, I present the Labyrinth Theme. (I never thought I'd grow to hate the music of Zelda.)

Rating: 4 Like Likes out of 5

XB360 - Bioshock 2

Haiku Review: 

From a drill melee,
For a little sister's cries,
You're the Big Daddy!

Additional Comments:

First: yeah...that haiku sucked. But, second, DUDE, this game was awesome! I was huge fan of the first game. In fact, I think that Bioshock (1) was probably the best game ever made. The environment was wonderful, the story was riveting and suspenseful and philosophical, the weapons and plasmids (magic) were satisfying, and the many other little things in the game made it a delight to play. To me, Bioshock is the maturity of the "Fallout direction" in gaming--meaning that the world is certainly one of the biggest stars, and survival one of the biggest gameplay devices, but you don't have to sacrifice story and content to prove you can make a survival game.

So I hear that BS2 is coming out, and I honestly have pessimistic feelings about it right off the bat. I'm kind of an anti-advocate for the trend in gaming to hammer out a new sequel to cashcow franchise every year, and after the satisfying conclusion of the first game, I didn't think they had anywhere to go with the story, for one, but also I didn't think they could even make a successor that was even remotely close to the penultimate paragon of my gaming experience. And it wasn't even made by the same developer! Needless to say, there were many obstacles in my mind.

But I gave it a shot, and borrowed it from my brother. I played it for about an hour on the first night, and I had to admit, this game is awesome. The story is still good. Even though it's a sequel story-wise, and I thought there was nowhere to go, they actually went to the back-story of how the Big Daddies and Little Sisters started. The world is as beautiful (in a broken down sort of way) than ever. But the biggest delight was that all the little inconveniences in the first game were streamlined and honed into a better version. The hacking is better, the guns and upgrades are better, the combat is better, the plasmids are better. And the new addition of the Big Sister surprised me at how good it was.

My only gripes are small ones. The music is virtually nonexistent in this game. I understand why, though, since it adds even more immersion to take away the music in this case and have the natural sounds fill your ears. That said, it still does have music, but more in the theatrical sense, along the lines of a suspenseful movie. It's there only when you want to build drama. My other quibble is that the dramatic tension in this game is somewhat less than in the first. There were many scenes and stages in the first where I literally sat on the edge of my seat as I played, hoping to not have something pop out in front of my face, having something do just that. In this game, there are couple of moments where it seems like that, but it just isn't all there. But, like I said, that's just a quibble. But my biggest (minor) gripes are about the story. Though the story was almost just as good as the first--and certainly just as immersive and satisfying--it seemed a little convoluted at times. And the ending scene dumbfounded me at how close it resembled the ending to the first game. It was almost identical.

Minor--very minor--gripes aside, this was a huge surprise, and was a really great game.

Rating:  5 crazy Big Sisters out of 5